Monday, June 20, 2016

  • 06/20/2016

Joe Randazzo, Mary Holland and Dave Hill celebrate the Cleveland Cavaliers' big win, get unwanted concert tickets and make up #BasketballMovies.

Sunday night everyone inCleveland broke down in tears,

but this time,for happiness reasons!

The 52-year curse

that had been on the city'ssports team was lifted,

though the 50-year curseon their economy

-is still going strong.I'm sorry. -(applause)

No, don't clap.That's terrible.

No. Seriously, why would youcelebrate a town's misfortune?

LeBron James ledthe Cleveland Cavaliers

to an NBA finals victoryover the Golden State--

"We only shoot three-pointers"--in a spectacular...

Nah, I don't reallyget that joke.

'Cause I was watching Game of Thrones. Like, I didn't...

-I didn't... I don't know.-(applause and cheering)

-Yes.-That's what I was watching.

But everyonein the land of Cleves

has been losingdamn their minds,

which gave us this fun updateon Twitter.

-Yay!-(laughter)

The police in Cleveland

actually corrected.This fire truck wasn't stolen,

just mobbed by fans who havenever felt this emotion

called happiness.

-(laughter)-Happy-ness.

This image, by the way,was approximately one

of 3.8 catrillion

captured on peoples' phonesin downtown Cleveland.

And as you know, uh...

And by the way,you know it's downtown Cleveland

'cause you can see theirthree buildings down there.

-(laughter)-(whooping) -There it is.

-So...-Wow.

Since things are gettingpretty rowdy over there in Ohio,

how else will Clevelandcelebrate their victory?

Joe Randazzo, go.

By investing in job trainingprograms for the unemployed.

Just kidding. They're gonnalaunch a bunch of frozen turkeys

into a local hospital

-and then set that hospitalon fire! -HARDWICK: Yeah.

-(applause and cheering) -Yes.-They're launching... -Yes.

On fire, Chris.

I love, Randazzo,

you gave yourselfthe Family Feud clap after

-you gave your answer.Good answer. -Yeah.

-Good answer.-Good answer.

Show me... turkey fire! Ding!

(laughter)

RANDAZZO:Really hope it happens.

Mary Holland, go.

Mandatory rim jobsfrom the people in Cincinnati.

(cheers and applause)

Dave Hill.

By telling those bitchesin Akron to suck it.

The world of directticket issuing and processing

was shaken to its core last weekwhen Ticketmaster, the most...

That's how I'm gonna sayit from now on. Ticketmaster.

...the most popularticket seller in the world

behind Briansetzerstubs.com--sure you're all familiar.

Uh, they're in the midstof a class-action lawsuit.

Courts ruled that Ticketmaster had to pay back consumers

millions and millions of dollarsin bull (bleep) service charges.

Rather than providecash refunds, though,

Ticketmaster's offering vouchersand discount codes

that can only be used for,quote, "eligible events,"

which is Ticketmaster codefor (bleep) events.

(laughter)

Here's what Twitter user

@Cryptoterra hadto say about it.

(laughter)

(applause and cheering)

Could be worse. Imagine openingyour "free vouchers" tab

and seeing something like"Walking on the Soleil,"

the "Smash MouthCirque du Soleil" show.

(laughter)

♪ Might as well be walkingon soleil. ♪

Circus (bleep).

-(laughter)-All right, comedians,

as a Ticketmaster user,please open your tab

and find out what (bleep)ticket voucher they gave you.

Dave Hill.

Two tickets to see Nickelback.

Also, you are in Nickelback.

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: Oh, wow.

-I'm... My voucher puts mein Nickelback. -Yeah.

(applause and cheering)

Points.

Mary Holland. Mary Holland.

I got front row seatsand backstage passes

to Third Eye Blind,and I'm not allowed to say no!

HARDWICK:All right, points.

-(applause and cheering)-Thank you.

♪ Joe Randazzo's next.

Oh, nice!

Front row seats to Billy Joel'ssemi-annual prostate exam.

(laughter)

Right up front.

♪ I'm gonna haveto get a big shot! ♪

-(laughter)-Yes!

-HOLLAND: I would actually...-(applause and cheering)

-I would actually like to seethat. -I mean... -It's tough.

-I don't know what, you know?-(overlapping chatter)

When he gets a prostate exam,it's called "The Stranger."

-(laughter)-You get it?

-Points.-You get it?

One, two, three, four,pressure.

(laughter)

It's now timefor the #HashtagWars.

(cheering)

As we mentioned earlier,

there was a very big gameof hoops ball Sunday night.

People on Twitter saidit felt like a movie.

Cleveland came back from behindto win it all

in a tense battlebetween millionaires

and some other millionaires.

And... wouldn't you know it,the millionaires won.

-Hooray!-(cheering)

I think. And sincethe basketball game

supposedly hada bit of Hollywood magic,

tonight's hashtagis #BasketballMovies.

Examples might be: When Harry Fouled Sally,

and Requiem for a Double Team.

Uh... I'm gonna put...

(laughter)

It kind of disgustingly worksif you saw Requiem for a Dream.

HOLLAND:It really... it really does.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, starting now.

-Joe Randazzo. -There Will Be Blood Tests.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-Mary Holland. -Eat, Pray, Kevin Love.

Points. Dave Hill.

-LeBron Golden Pond. -Yes, points.

-(laughter)-Joe Randazzo.

Star Wars: Episode IV-- A New Hoop.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

Eh... that hurt, but I'llgive you points. Dave.

No Country for Rod Men.

-All right, points.-(laughter, applause)

Yeah. Joe.

The Divine Secret of the Yao Ming Sisterhood.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-Dave. -Shraq.

-Yeah, I'm gonna go aheadand allow it. -It's Shrek

-and Shaq.-Yeah. Shreq.

-It's... -Shrek with a Q. Shrek with a Q.

No, with an A-Q. It's...what you take is the character

from the hit movie Shrek,

-(Holland groans)-and then you mix it with...

(laughter)

(laughing):I love... I love how...

I love how... I lovehow exasperated Mary got

-part of the way through that.-HOLLAND (groans): Come on!

What are we doing?

-Mary Holland. -Space Jam.

Yes! Points!Give her points for that.