Tuesday, September 15, 2015

  • 09/15/2015

Nick Swardson, Kyle Kinane and Nikki Glaser propose new environmental initiatives for the LAPD, pitch #BadMovieMashups and reminisce about the 90s.

( APPLAUSE )RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES LOST TOTHE FALCONS LAST NIGHT, LEAVING

A LOT OF ANGRY BIRDS.

IT'S MY ONLY WAY INTO SPORTS.

CONFUSED AND ANGRYPHILADELPHIANS FLOCKED TO

CHURCH, OR AS THEY CALL IT, THEWAWA PARKING LOT, TO FIGURE

OUT WHAT WENT WRONG.

OUR FAVORITE THEORY IS THAT THEYLOST BECAUSE THE TEAM WAS JUST

REALLY CONFUSED BY THIS PLAYCALL.

>> WHAT IS THAT?

>> CHRIS: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THATIS.

COMEDIANS, CAN YOU PLEASE TELLME WHAT PLAY THIS COACH IS

ACTUALLY CALLING FOR?

KYLE KINANE.

>> LISTEN, IF YOU CAN'T TACKLEHIM, TRY TO TICKLE HIM OR SUCK

HIS ( BLEEP ).

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: FIRST OF ALL, POINTS.

AND SECOND OF ALL, ISN'T THATREALLY THE SUBTEXT OF WHAT'S

GOING ON IN FOOTBALL, ANYWAY?

>> ELEMENT OF SURPRISE.

>> CHRIS: I CAN'T TICKLE YOU OR( BLEEP ) SO I'M GOING TO KNOCK

YOU DOWN AND TAKE THE BALL.

>> HOW DO YOU DO IT?

IT'S LIKE THAT THING WHEREYOU'RE PATTING YOUR HEAD-- LIKE,

YOU CAN'T DO BOTH.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> CHRIS: I CAN'T PICK MY ARMPITAND GIVE A BLOW JOB AT THE SAME

TIME.

I'M NOT THAT COORDINATED.

BY THE WAY, YOU LOOKED SOJOYLESS RIGHT NOW DOING THAT.

>> I'M HAVING A BLAST!

>> CHRIS: I'M SUCKING YOUR(BLEEP) BUT I'M JUDGING YOU.

>> IT'S A BANANA PARTY WITHMONKEYS.

>> HE JUST SAID IT'S A BANANAPARTY WITH MONKEY.

>> CHRIS: BY THE WAY, MILLIONTIMES BETTER THAN LEMON PARTY.

>> I'M GOING TO FIND OUT FORMYSELF DURING THE COMMERCIAL

BREAK.

>> CHRIS: YOU KNOW WHAT LET'SDO?

LET'S DO THIS.

ON THE FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK IWANT YOU TO GO BACKSTAGE AND

YOU'RE GOING TO WATCH LEMONPARTY AND YOU'RE GOING TO COME

BACK AND TELL US HOW YOUR LIFEIS FOREVER ALTERED.

>> YOU PUT A POINT VALUE ON MEDOING THAT. WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT.

>> CHRIS: I WILL.

>> IT'S SAFE TO SAY AMERICA'SPOLICE FORCE IS HAVING A REAL

( BLEEP ) YEAR WHEN IT COMES TOPR.

BUT THERE IS A SMALL BIT OFPOSITIVE PO-PO NEWS ONLINE

THIS WEEK. OUR OWN LOCAL LAPDHAS ANNOUNCED A NEW

ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLYINITIATIVE. WHAT IS IT?

NICK.

>> "B," ALL-ELECTRIC TESLAPOLICE CRUISERS?

>> CHRIS: AS A MATTER OF FACT ITIS ALL-ELECTRIC TESLA POLICE

CRUISERS.

( APPLAUSE )THE NEW PROTOCOL FOR HIGH-SPEED

CHASES WILL BE TO TRY TOCONVINCE THE PERP TO PULL OVER

AT A WHOLE FOODS SO THEY CANSPEND AN HOUR AND A HALF AT THE

CHARGING STATION.

IF THIS DOES SIGNAL A MOREENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY LAPD,

WHAT SHOULD THEIR NEXT GREENINITIATIVE BE? NIKKI GLASER.

>> I THINK TO CUT DOWN ON

BULLETS THEY SHOULD ONLY SHOOTPEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY DESERVE IT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

( APPLAUSE )KYLE KINANE.

>> BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THAT'SNOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

( LAUGHTER )WHEN THEY ACCIDENTALLY MURDER

ANOTHER HOMELESS MAN, THEY'LLSTILL RECYCLE HIS CANS.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: NICK SWARDSON.

>> I THINK INSTEAD OF MACE, THEYSHOULD JUST USE YOGA BOOB SWEAT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

POINTS. VERY SALTY.

IT IS NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S"#HASHTAGWARS."

THERE ARE SO MANY MOVIE REBOOTSAND SEQUELS AND SHARED UNIVERSES

THESE DAYS, IT'S HARD TO KEEPTHEM ALL STRAIGHT.

I SAY LET'S JUST DO HOLLYWOOD'SJOB FOR THEM WITH TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG, #BADMOVIEMASHUPSCOMBINE TWO MOVIES TO MAKE AN

EVEN WORSE MOVIE.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE STRAIGHT OUTTACASABLANCA,

OR KRAMER VS. KRAMER VS.PREDATOR.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN. KYLE KINANE.

>> NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREETCARNAMED DESIRE.

>> JUWANNA MANDELA.

>> MY LEFT FOOTLOOSE.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: KYLE.

>> STAR WARS EPISODE FIVE:TOKYO DRIFT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NIKKI GLASER.

>> ABOUT A BOILER ROOM.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

VERY GOOD.

NICK SWARDSON.

>> THE 10 COMMANDMENTS I HATEABOUT YOU.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

KYLE KINANE.

>> LETHAL WEAPON 4: ELECTRICBOOGALOO

>> DENNIS THE MENACE II SOCIETY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> THE FAULT IN OUR STAR WARS.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS. THAT WAS"PHANTOM MENACE."

IT'S TIME TO PLAY "AMAZON BOOKFAIR: SELF-HELP FOR KIDS!

EDITION."

CHELSEA CLINTON'S NEW BOOK "IT'SYOUR WORLD" IS OUT TODAY AND

IT'S BY FAR THE BEST SELF-HELPCHILDREN'S BOOK THE CLINTON

FAMILY HAS EVER WRITTEN. MUCHBETTER THAN "SLICK WILLY WINKY

TEACHES THE VALUE OFSECRET-KEEPING" OR

"HILLARY BIDILLERY AND THECASE OF THE MISSING EMAILS."

KIDS SELF-HELP BOOKS IS A HUGEINDUSTRY, SO I'M GOING TO SHOW

YOU ASSORTED TITLES AND FOR 250POINTS I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME A

CHAPTER FROM THE BOOK.

FIRST UP, "MRS. GORSKI, I THINKI HAVE THE WIGGLE FIDGETS."

>> CHAPTER ONE: IT'S PROBABLYPARKINSON'S.

>> CHRIS: OH, GOOD LORD.

OH, DEAR LORD.

KYLE.

>> CHAPTER ONE, WE CALL IT"WIGGLE FIDGETS" BECAUSE YOU

CAN'T PRONOUNCE "FETAL ALCOHOLSYNDROME."

( LAUGHTER )>> CHRIS: POINTS.

( LAUGHTER )>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NEXT ONE, "MY BIG SISTER TAKESDRUGS."

NICK.

>> ADVENTURES IN CRACKBABY-SITTING.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NIKKI GLASER.

>> AND SHE'S NEVER LOOKEDBETTER.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH RESULTS,RIGHT?

NEXT UP: "WHEN SOPHIE GETSANGRY--REALLY, REALLY ANGRY."

NICK.

>> CHAPTER ONE: SOPHIE, UNFOLLOWDONALD TRUMP.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

( APPLAUSE )>> SEE THE BACK OF THE BOOK FOR

FUN STENCIL DESIGNS TO CARVEINTO YOUR ARM.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

LAST UP, PROBABLY THE BEST ONE,"MY MOM HAS HEPATITIS C."

WE'RE ALL JUST CHILLING OUT INTHIS LETTER.

NIKKI.

>> CHAPTER 3: I FEEL LIKE ISHOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT THIS.

( LAUGHTER )>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> CHAPTER 1: WHAT HAPPENED INVEGAS STAYED IN MOMMY'S VAGINA.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWED YOUTHE ZODIALOGICAL SIGN FOR CANCER

GETTING CANCER AND I ASKED YOUGUYS TO GIVE ME THE LIFE STORY

OF A CHAIN-SMOKING PHILADELPHIACRAB.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAME UP WITH.

KYLE KINANE, LET'S START WITHYOU.

>> ME, I'M A BLUE CRAB, BUT SOMEDAYS ARE BETTER THAN OTHERS, I

GUESS.

( APPLAUSE ).

>> CHRIS: NIKKI GLAZER.

>> ( BLEEP ) YOU.

I'M ON VACATION.

GET OFF MY DICK.

>> CHRIS: VERY WELL PLAYED.

NICK.

>> YEAH, I ( BLEEP ) THE LITTLEMERMAID.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

"STUFF ONLY 90s KIDS REMEMBER."

I'M A LITTLE BIT OLDER BUT I WASSTILL A '90s KID IN TERMS OF

CARTOONS. I REMEMBER THE FIRSTTIME I SAW "REN AND STIMPY" ON A

SUNDAY MORNING AT 11 A.M. IN1991.

IT COMPLETELY CHANGED MY LIFE.

AND I KNOW A LOT OF US FEEL ALOT OF THE SAME WAY.

YOU KNOW, "RUGRATS," "DOUG,""ROCKO'S MODERN LIFE."

SO MANY GREAT--"AHHH! REALMONSTERS"-- SO MANY GREAT SHOWS.

NICKELODEON IS LAUNCHING A NEWPROGRAMMING BLOC OF 90s ERA

CARTOONS CALLED "THE SPLAT!"

THE INTERNET IS POSITIVELYSPLATTING THEIR PANTS ABOUT IT.

I WONDER WHERE NICKELODEON GOTTHAT IDEA.

MAYBE IT'S FROM YEARS OF BEINGBLUDGEONED WITH BUZZFEEDY

HEADLINES LIKE "39 AWESOMETHINGS ONLY 90s KIDS WILL

REMEMBER."

OR "30 THINGS ONLY THOSE WHO ARETRUE 90s KIDS WOULD UNDERSTAND."

"27 MEMES ALL 90s KIDS WILLTOTALLY RELATE TO."

AND, OF COURSE, THE CLASSIC"27 THINGS ALL 90s LATINAS KNOW

TO BE TRUE."

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HOWNOSTALGIC CAN YOU PEOPLE GET

OF TAMAGOTCHIS AND KOOSH BALLSAND "THE RACHEL"?

I SAY THIS AS THE FORMER HOST OF90s GAME SHOW SENSATION "SINGLED

OUT."

( BLEEP ).

>> YOU LOOK LIKE A VAMPIREMAGICIAN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )NOW YOU SEE IT, NOW YOU DON'T.

>> CHRIS: I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU100 POINTS FOR RECOGNIZING MY

TRUE NATURE.

COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO TELL MEAS MANY THINGS AS YOU CAN THAT

ONLY 90s KIDS REMEMBER.

IN 60 SECONDS AND BEGIN.

NIKKI.

>> WHEN YOU DISCOVER YOUR CLITWHEN YOU'RE WATCHING "HOME

IMPROVEMENT," BECAUSE YOU LOVEJ.T.T.

(LAUGHTER)DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?

>> CHRIS: I HOPE TO GOD YOU DIDIT LIKE THIS... POINTS.

NICK.

>> YEAH I ( BLEEP ) THE LITTLEMERMAID.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, POINTS,POINTS.

KYLE.

>> THAT TIME YOU DELIVERED APIZZA TO THAT BAD APARTMENT

COMPLEX.

AND IT WAS LIKE A WHOLE FAMILYBUT THEY STILL WANTED YOU TO GET

STONED WITH THEM, SO YOU DID.

AND THEN THE 14-YEAR-OLD BROKE AFOUR-FOOT GLASS BONG IN THE

OTHER ROOM AND WAS REAL PISSEDBECAUSE HE THOUGHT IT WAS MY

FAULT.

EVEN THOUGH THEY JUST INVITED METO SMOKE POT WITH THEM.

I DIDN'T ASK FOR THE BONG.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

EVERYONE'S GOT THAT STORY.

NICK.

>> BLOCKBUSTER VIDEOS LATE FEESCOSTING MORE THAN MY CAR.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS.

( APPLAUSE )>> I'LL RETURN IT LATER, MAN.

>> CHRIS: KYLE.

>> MAN, LIKE, THE 90s, LIKETHAT TIME WHEN YOU WORKED AT A

DONUT FACTORY AND YOU LOST ABAND-AID ON YOUR HAND WORKING AT

THE DONUT FACTORY, AND YOU'RELIKE, "I'M PROBABLY NOT GOING TO

HAVE A JOB TOMORROW."

>> CHRIS: I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS,BUT I FEEL LIKE YOU

MISUNDERSTOOD AND YOU THOUGHTYOU WERE SUPPOSED TO JUST TELL

US THINGS YOU DID IN THE 90s.

>> I'M TALKING ABOUT WHAT IREMEMBER FROM THE 90s.