February 19, 2014 - Alexander Payne

  • 02/19/2014

U.S. ice dancers nab a gold medal, Buddy Cole investigates gay propaganda in Sochi, Al Qaeda members accidentally kill themselves, and Alexander Payne talks "Nebraska."

>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FORTHE REPORT, EVERYBODY, GOOD

NIGHT.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY.

MY GUEST TONIGHT, DIRECTOROF "NEBRASKA"

PLEASE WELCOME ALEXANDERPAYNE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)HEY, MR. PAYNE.

THANK YOU FOR COMING ON.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU ON.

>> NICE TO BE ON, THANKS FORHAVING ME.

>> FOR THOSE PEOPLE OUTTHERE WHO MAY NOT KNOW YOU

ARE A TWO TIME OSCAR WINNINGWRITER, DIRECTOR, PRODUCER,

PAST FILM, THE DESCENDANTS,SIDEWAYS, ABOUT SCHMIDT AND YOUR

LATEST FILM "NEBRASKA" ISCURRENTLY NOMINATED FOR SIX

OSCARS.

>> YES, SIR.

>> Stephen: ARE YOUNOMINATED FOR BEST DIRECTOR.

>> I AM.

>> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONSWITHIN THANK YOU, SIR.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU ONE OFTHOSE, BECAUSE YOUR MOVIES

ARE A LITTLE ARTY, YOU KNOW,THEY'RE CROWD PLEASERS BUT A

LITTLE ARTIE.

THIS ONE IS IN BLACKAND WHITE.

>> YES T IS.

>> Stephen: AND YOU YOURSELFARE SORT OF IN BLACK AND

WHITE.

>> YES, I AM, THANKS FORNOTICING.

>> Stephen: YOUR FIRST FILMWAS AT THE TIME SET IN

NEBRASKA, SO WAS YOUR NEXTFILM ELECTION.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: AND THIS ONENEBRASKA ALSO SET IN

NEBRASKA.

>> AND ABOUT SCHMIDT.

>> Stephen: AND ABOUTSCHMIDT.

>> ALSO IN ONLY AHA!.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE FROMNEBRASKA, RIGHT.

>> RIGHT, STILL LIVE THERE.

>> Stephen: YOU ARE ALLOWEDTO LEAVE NEBRASKA.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: YOU DON'T HAVEONE OF THOSE TRACKING ANKLETS

ON OR ANYTHING, YOU'RENOT A WANTED MAN.

>> NO.

>> Stephen: WHY DO YOU KEEPSHOOTING IN, YOU KNOW, WHAT

HOLLYWOOD AND THE EAST COASTELITE WAS CALL A FLY OVER

STATE, YOU KNOW?

>> YEAH, I AM FROM THERE SOI JUST LIKE BEING THERE.

I MEAN WE DON'T-- WE DON'TREALLY ASK WOODY ALLEN OR

MARTIN SCORSESE WHY THEYLIKE TO SHOOT IN NEW YORK,

FOR EXAMPLE.

WE JUST KIND OF THINK THATTHAT IS OKAY.

BUT BECAUSE I'M FROM A MOREFAR-FLUNG UNUSUAL PLACE, I'M

ASKED-- .

>> Stephen: IT'S EXOTIC.

>> IT IS.

>> Stephen: I'M ALL FOR ITI'M ALL FOR IT.

THAT'S THE HEARTLAND, OKAYTHAT IS THE REAL AMERICA.

LIKE NOT THE WEST COAST, NOTTHE EAST COAST, SOUTH OF

CHICAGO, NORTH OF MIAMI,EVERYWHERE IN THERE IT'S

1983 REAGAN IS JUST TAKING,YOU KNOW-- REAGAN IS PEAKING,

REAGAN IS STILL PEAKING INTHERE.

>> YEAH, IT'S A PRETTYREPUBLICAN STATE, THAT'S

TRUE.

BUT FAIRLY FREE THINKING ASWELL.

I MEAN WE'VE HAD MANYDEMOCRATIC SENATORS.

WE'VE HAD TWO WOMEN RUNAGAINST EACH OTHER IN THE

GUBERNATORIAL RACE.

IT'S ONE OF TWO NONWINNERTAKE ALL STATES FOR THE

ELECTORAL COLLEGE AND IN '08OMAHA GAVE ONE ELECTORAL

VOTE TO BARACK OBAMA, FOREXAMPLE.

SO THERE'S MORE GOING ON.

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT,PROBABLY VOTER FRAUD ON THAT

ONE.

OKAY, LET'S SHOW A LITTLECLIP FROM "NEBRASKA"

>> THERE'S WOODY'S LITTLESISTER.

SHE WAS ONLY 19 WHEN SHE WASKILLED IN A CAR WRECK NEAR

WASHINGTON.

WHAT A WHORE.

>> MOM.

>> NO, I LIKED ROSE BUTMY GOD SHE WAS A SLUT.

NOW I'M JUST TELLING YOU THETRUTH.

>> WHERE'S YOUR FAMILY.

>> THEY'RE IN THE CATHOLIC

CEMETERY.

>> CATHOLICS WOULDN'T BECAUGHT DEAD AROUND ALL THESE

DAMN LUTHERANS.

HERE'S DELMER, WOODY'SCOUSIN.

HE WAS A DRUNK.

ONE TIME WE WERE WRESTLINGAND HE FELT ME UP.

GRABBED A HANDFUL OF BOOBAND WOODY WAS RIGHT THERE

AND DIDN'T HAVE A CLUE, DIDYOU WOODY?

(APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: IS EVERYONE IN

NEBRASKA THAT HONEST?

>> ONEREASON I LIKE LIVING THERE

IS THAT PEOPLE ARE FAIRLYPLAIN SPOKEN.

>> Stephen: UH-HUH, UH-HUH ARETHERE REASONS YOU WOULD LIVE

THERE BECAUSE I HAVE BEENTHERE.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: THIS TIME OFYEAR.

>> GRIM.

>> Stephen: IT IS GRIM.

IT IS IN BLACK AND WHITE,ALL THE TIME.

>> YUP.

>> Stephen: WITH JUST THECORN STUBBLE, LAID LOW LIKE A

SAILOR'S BEARD ON A SHORELEAVE.

AND THE BLEAKNESS, THE SNOWACTUALLY SOMEHOW MAKES IT

SEEM DIRTIER.

>> YEAH, WELL, NOW YOU KNOWWHY I CHOSE TO SHOOT IN

BLACK AND WHITE IT CAPTURESTHAT FEELING.

>> Stephen: UH-HUH.

THAT MIGHT HAVE ACTUALLYBEEN COLOR FILM YOU WERE

USING.

>> YEAH, RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: THE ROAD TRIP

THIS IS A ROAD TRIP IN THISMOVIE.

>> YUP.

>> Stephen: FATHER AND SON ONA ROAD TRIP.

YOU'VE DONE SEVERAL ROADTRIPS, DO YOU LIKE DRIVING,

DO YOU ACTUALLY LIKE DRIVING.

>> I DO, I DO INDEED.

>> Stephen: YOU ARE A BIGHOLLYWOOD GUY, WHY NOT GET

ON THE JET.

THAT'S EXCITING, PEOPLE WANTTO SEE THAT, PEOPLE WANT TO

SEE THAT.

>> I DON'T THINK THAT IT'STHE PROPER WAY TO THINK OF

THIS COUNTRY AS A FIVE ORSIX HOUR FLY OVER.

I THINK IF YOU DRIVE IT ORTAKE THE TRAIN, I TAKE

AMTRAK WHENEVER I CAN, IT'SFUN TO SEE THINGS.

>> Stephen: UH-HUH, OKAY,OKAY, BUT, YOU KNOW, THAT

TAKES A LONG TIME AND WE'REALL GOING TO DIE AT SOME

POINT.

>> YUP.

>> Stephen: AND IT'S NOTABOUT THE JOURNEY, IT'S

ABOUT THE DESTINATION.

>> YES, YES.

>> Stephen: OKAY, ALL THATCRAP ABOUT IT'S THE

JOURNEY IS FOR PEOPLE WHOHAVEN'T GOT TO THE

DESTINATION.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: BECAUSE WHERE IHAVE ARRIVED, FANTASTIC.

>> FAIR ENOUGH, FAIR ENOUGH,OKAY.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU HAPPY-- (LAUGHTER)

BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE INYOUR FILMS, THEY'RE NOT

HAPPY.

THEY'RE NOT HAPPY.

BUT YOU DON'T SEEM LIKE ASAD GUY, ARE YOU HAPPY?

>> YEAH, I THINK SO I THINKI'M BASICALLY A HAPPY,

POSITIVE PERSON.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, I MEANYOU THINK THAT THERE IS A

CERTAIN UNHAPPINESS IN THEFILMS BUT I'M MAKING

COMEDIES.

>> Stephen: NO, NO YOU CANBE SAD AND FUNNY.

>> YEAH, YEAH.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU ONE OFTHOSE SAD CLOWNS?

BECAUSE I HEARD-- I HEARDSOME COMEDIANS ARE ACTUALLY

SAD INSIDE.

>> REALLY?

>> YEAH, I HEARD THAT I READTHAT ABOUT THEM.

>> HAMM.

>> Stephen: WELL, ALEXANDER,THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR

JOINING ME.

ALEXANDER PAYNE, THE FILM IS"NEBRASKA" THE MAN IS

NEBRASKA, WE'LL BE RIGHTBACK

>> Stephen: HEY!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY THANKS SO MUCH.

YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I DON'TKNOW ABOUT YOU BUT IT SEEMS

THAT EVERY TIME I TURN ONTHE NEWS CHANNELS ALL I HEAR

IS DOOM AND GLOOM.

THEY'RE TOO FOCUSED ON THENEGATIVE, YES, 700 CRUISE

SHIP PASSENGERS SPENT A WEEKSQUIRTING LIQUIDS AT HIGH

PRESSURE FROM EVERY HOLE INTHEIR BODY.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE UPSIDE?

A CRUISE WHERE YOU LOSE TENPOUNDS?

SIGN ME UP.

THAT'S WHY EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE THOSE NEGATIVE NELLIES

NEED TO TAKE THEIR HEAD OUTOF THE OVEN AND STICK IT

INTO STEPHEN COLBERT'S SMILEFILE.

TONIGHT ON THE SMILE FILE ALQAEDA.

FOLKS, PEOPLE SAY YOU NEVERHEAR ANY GOOD NEWS FROM IRAQ,

NOT TRUE.

SUMERIANS GAVE THE WORLDCUNEIFORM SCRIPT IN THE 4th

MILLENNIUM B.C., NICE WORK,GUYS, OR SHOULD I SAY WEDGE

HEDGE DOG, SLANTY DIAMOND.

BUT THE LATEST NEWS OUT OFIRAQ IS SURE TO TURN THAT

CRESCENT MOON UPSIDE DOWN.

>> A GROUP OF POTENTIALSUICIDE BOMBERS IN IRAQ

WON'T GET TO CARRY OUT THEIRPLANS BECAUSE THEY WERE

ACCIDENTALLY KILLED DURING ATRAINING EXERCISE.

21 MEMBERS OF A CAR BOMBTRAINING CLASS WERE BLOWN UP

WHEN THEIR AL QAEDAINSTRUCTOR UNWITTINGLY SET

OFF THE EXPLOSIVE CHARGE.

>> Z HEY, THOSE WHO CAN DOTHOSE CHO WHO CAN'T TEACH,

AND THOSE WHO CAN'T TEACHACCIDENTALLY BLOW THEMSELVES

UP.

(LAUGHTER)THAT SORT OF HANDS

ON-- (APPLAUSE)

>> BIG EXPLOSION FANS HERETONIGHT.

FOLKS, IT'S THAT KIND OFHANDS-ON TEACHER REMINDS ME

OF DEAD POET SOCIETY, ONLYWITHOUT THE POETS, OR THE

SOCIETY.

SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT ALQAEDA, THEY VALUE EDUCATION.

IT'S LIKE THEY SAY, GAVE AMAN A SUICIDE BOMB HE BLOWS

UP ONCE, TEACH A MAN TOSUICIDE BOMB, HE ALSO BLOWS

UP ONCE.

(LAUGHTER)STILL WORKING OUT THE KINKS

ON THAT ONE.

BUT FOLKS THE VIOLENT DEATHOF 22 PEOPLE ISN'T THE ONLY

RAY OF SUNSHINE HERE.

BECAUSE THERE WERE ALSO 15OTHER TERRORISTS WOUNDED.

OKAY, JUST WOUNDED MEANSTHEY'RE NOT QUITE MARTYRS,

THEY'RE JUST MARTISH, ANDINSTEAD OF 72 VIRGINS THEY

GET ONE 72-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN,EVEN BETTER, EVEN BETTER,

FOLKS, SECURITY FORCES WEREDRAWN TO THE AREA BY THE

SOUND OF THE EXPLOSION ANDARRESTED 22 SURVIVORS,

INCLUDING THE MASTERMIND OFTHE GROUP WILE E AL COYOTE.

AND IT'S NO SURPRISE-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IT COMES AS NO SURPRISE THATI'M NOT THE ONLY ONE La, La,

La, La, LOVING THIS STORY.

ONE LOCAL IRAQI REACTED BYSAYING THIS IS SO FUNNY T

SHOWS HOW STUPID THEY ARE,THOSE DOGS AND SONS OF DOGS.

IT IS HILARIOUS.

IT'S LIKE JACKASS ONLY WITHMORE REDEEMING SOCIAL VALUE.

FOLKS, IT'S STORIES LIKETHIS THAT MAKE YOU NOT ASK

THE QUESTION, WHY DO BADTHINGS HAPPEN TO BAD PEOPLE?

GOD OFTEN WORKS INMYSTERIOUS WAYS.

BUT SOMETIMES HE MAKES SOMEREALLY OBVIOUS CHOICES.

AND THAT'S THE SMILE FILE.

REMEMBER, IF YOU ARE'SFEELING BLUE, JUST BE GLAD

YOU'RE NOT FEELING BLEWEDUP. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

AND RUSSIA IS READY TO BRINGDOWN THE HAMMER AND SICKLE

ON ANY PRO GAY AGITATORS.

JUST TODAY THEY WENT AFTERFEMINIST ART COLLECTIVE AND

RUSSIA'S ANSWER TO THEWIGGLES PUSSY RIOT.

FRIENDS OF THE SHOW, FRIENDSOF THE SHOW.

NOW CLEARLY THERE IS AMASSIVE GAY CONSPIRACY TO

BRING DOWN THESE OLYMPICGAMES.

THAT'S WHY I ENLISTED MY OLDFRAT BUDDY AND COLBERT

REPORT PRODUCER BUDDY COLETO INVESTIGATE THE GAY

THREAT TO SOCHI.

LAST WEEK BUDDY SAT DOWNWITH THE U.S. SPEED SKATING

TEAM TO TEACH THEM HOW TOAPPEAR JUST AS STRAIGHT AS

HE IS.

AND NOW BUDDY'S IN THE BELLYOF THE BEAST, PLEASE WELCOME

LIVE FROM SOCHI BUDDY COLE.

BUDDY, MY FRIEND.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)BUDDY, I GOT TO SAY IT IS

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

>> BONJOUR FROM RUSSIA,STEPHEN.

NOW YOU'RE JOINING US LIVEFROM THE HEART OF THE

OLYMPICS.

>> THAT'S RIGHT, STEPHEN, ISTAYED HERE IN SOCHI.

I WANTED TO BE SURE I WASSTILL IN RUSSIA WHEN THESE

SEGMENTS ABOUT THEIRANTI-GAY LAWS AIRED.

>> Stephen: THAT'S VERYBRAVE OF YOU.

>> YES, AREN'T I.

>> Stephen: NOW BUDDY THEMAYOR OF SOCHI SAYS THERE

ARE NO GAYS IN THE CITY.

CAN YOU CONFIRM THAT?

>> I CAN CONFIRM THERE IS ATLEAST ONE.

>> THAT'S MY BLOODHOUND,SMOKE THEM OUT, MY FRIEND.

NOW YOU HAVE MET WITH ANYOLYMPIANS.

>> ACTUALLY LAST NIGHT AT ACAFE I MET WITH ONE OF THOSE

GUYS, YOU KNOW THE ONESTHAT SKI AND SHOOT.

>> Stephen: A BIATHLETE.

>> HE IS NOW.

>> Stephen: OKAY, GOOD, ALLRIGHT.

LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT I SENTYOU TO INVESTIGATE THE

RAMPANT GAY PROPAGANDIZING,WHAT YOU HAVE UNCOVERED.

>> WHY TELL WHEN I CAN SHOW.

>> Stephen: OKAY, GREAT,LET'S SEE THE REPORT.

>> CAN I SAY JIM TONIGHT?

>> Stephen: YOU CERTAINLYEARNED IT, JIM?

>> "THE COLBERT REPORT"PRESENTS A SPOR REPORT

EXCLUSIVE, FROM RUSSIA WITHLOVE.

>> NO GAY STUFF.

>> DOUBLE O 14.

>> WITH ME, BUDDY COLE.

>> I FINALLY ARRIVED INSOCHI RUSSIA FOR THE WINTER

OLYMPICS.

I JUST HAD TO FIND THEOLYMPICS, OR FOR THAT MATTER

WINTER.

HELLO?

WHERE'S WINTER?

I'M LOOKING FOR THE WINTEROLYMPICS.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE WINTEROLYMPICS ARE?

UPSTAIRS?

GOOD ENOUGH.

NOW WHILE I BELIEVE EVERYOCCASION CALLS FOR SHORT

SHORTS, I DECIDED THISASSIGNMENT REQUIRED GOING

NATIVE.

THE HUNT WAS ON.

>> I'M LOOKING FOR THEWINTER OLYMPICS.

WHERE ARE THEY?

>> OLYMPIC NOT HERE, OLYMPICIN --

>> OKAY.

I DIDN'T CATCH ALL OF THAT.

OR THAT.

>> OR THAT.

>> LUCKILY THESE OLYMPICELVES SHOWED ME THE WAY.

>> FINALLY I FOUND SOMETHING,AND GOT AS UP CLOSE AND

PERSONAL AS NBC WOULD ALLOW.

WELCOME TO THE OLYMPIC GAMES.

I CAN'T SEARCH OLYMPICVILLAGE FOR GAY PROPAGANDA

SO INSTEAD I SEARCHED THEOFFICIAL SOUVENIR SHOP AND

FOUND OLYMPIC FASHIONSREFRESHINGLY FREE OF

HOMOSEXUAL TASTE.

>> OH, EXCUSE ME.

>> WELL DONE, VLADIMIR PUTIN,THAT'S A GAY SUICIDE VEST.

YOU PUT THIS ON, YOU WANT TOKILL YOURSELF.

OH, A BEAR NOT WEARINGPANTS, NOTHING GAY ABOUT

THAT.

>> SATISFIED THAT NO GAYPEOPLE HAD EVER TOUCHED THIS

CLOTHING, I TOOK MY CRUSADETO THE STREETS.

>> THE MAYOR OF SOCHI SAYSTHERE ARE NO GAYS IN SOCHI.

WHERE AM I GOING TO FIND THEGAYS?

IS THAT TRUE?

>> NEXT QUESTION PLEASE.

>> THEY'RE GAY.

>> BUDDY COLE, NICE TO MEETYOU.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU TOO.

>> IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE MYGRINDER SAID YOU WERE 300

YARDS AWAY.

OH WELL, WE'RE TRYING TOSEEK OUT THE GAY PROPAGANDA

THREAT HERE IN RUSSIA.

HAVE YOU SEEN IT ANYWHERE?

THE GAY PROPAGANDA.

SO THERE'S NO GAY PROPAGANDATHREAT IN SOCHI.

>> NO, NO.

>> SO NO GAYS ON MAINSTREET.

I FIGURED THEY MUST ALLBE AT PUTIN'S FREE SPEECH

PROTEST.

>> HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUTTHESE PROTEST ZONES, WHERE

WOULD I FIND THESE PROTESTZONES.

>> PROTEST, WHAT IS PROTEST.

>> PROTESTS WHERE PEOPLE GONO, NO, I DON'T LIKE THAT,

DOWN WITH SOMETHING I DON'TUNDERSTAND.

>> WHICH WAY TO THE GAYPROTEST ZONE?

>>.

>>.

>> APPARENTLY THE OFFICIALFREE SPEECH PROTEST ZONE WAS

CONVENIENTLY LOCATED JUSTOUTSIDE OF SOCHI.

JUST DOWN THE HIGHWAY.

PAST THIS, THROUGH THISTUNNEL, AND THROUGH THE

MOUNTAINS.

9 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THEWALL, 99 BOTTLES OF BEER.

IT'S AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

THE VIADUCT AND THEN TO THISKIND OF PLACE WHERE YOU

WOULD DUMP A BODY AND JUSTTHE BRISK HALF MILE WALK.

PAST THE POLICE STATIONUNDER THE FREEWAY.

THROUGH THE CONSTRUCTIONSITE.

PAST THE BARBED WIRE.

AND I HAD ARRIVED JUST A HOPSKIP AND 17 KILOMETERS FROM

SOCHI.

THIS WAS THE PROTEST ZONEWHERE NO ONE WAS PROTESTING.

SO I THOUGHT I MIGHT AS WELL.

>> I WANT A DRINK, I WANT ADRINK.

I WANT A DRINK.

>> IT WAS ALL GOINGSWIMMINGLY UNTIL I RAN OUT

OF VODKA.

AND THE POLICE SHOWED UP.

>> CAN I SIT ON THE BENCH,THIS IS A PROTEST ZONE.

>> GO SILT ON THE BENCH.

>> THIS IS THE PROTEST ZONE.

>> PLEASE.

>> I PROTEST.

>> STOP YELLING, OKAY, NOMORE YELLING.

>> NO YELLING.

WHY, IT IS A PROTEST ZONE,PEOPLE DON'T WHISPER IN A

PROTEST ZONE.

>> SO I FINISHED MY COCKTAILAND SAID HELLO TO THE

POLICE.

HE WAS A VERY NICE MAN INLEATHER JACKETS.

SEEN HERE ON THIS EXCLUSIVENERVOUS PRODUCER CAM.

THEY HAD COME TO TAKE USEWAY.

BUT MY PRODUCER EXPLAINED,PLEASE DON'T.

WHILE SHOOTING THIS FOOTAGEWITH A GO-PRO APPARENTLY

STRAPPED TO HIS CROTCH, TURNSOUT TO PROTEST THE RUSSIAN

GOVERNMENT YOU NEED AWRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE

RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT, OH NO.

AS A JOURNALIST AND MAN OFPRINCIPLES, I TOOK A

COURAGEOUS STAND AND GOT THEHELL OUT OF THERE.

>> Stephen: GREAT WORK,BUDDY.

BUDDY COLE, EVERYBODY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

SHOW, EVERYBODY.

>> STEPHEN, STEPHEN,STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THEREPORT.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

NATION, IF YOU WILL EXCUSEME IF I SEEM A BIT MORE

RADIANT TONIGHT.

OR IF MY MOVEMENTS ARE MOREPOETIC THAN NORMAL.

I'M UNUSUALLY IN SYNC WITHMYSELF, I'M JUST STILL

FLOATING ON AIR FROM THISWEEKEND'S GOLD MEDAL

PERFORMANCE BY THE U.S. ICEDANCING TEAM.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THESE GUYS THEIR PASSION

COULD HAVE MELTED THE ICEAND EVEN IF IT HAD, THEY

WOULD HAVE JUST WON THE GOLDSYNCHRONIZED

SWIMMING. YOU KNOWTHEM, THEY'RE AMERICA'S

DARLINGS.

THE BOUNCING AND BEHAVINGCHARLIE WHITE AND MERYL

DAVIS WHO I BELIEVE COMESFROM THE ISLAND WHERE THEY

GROW DISNEY PRINCESSES.

NOW OF COURSE THIS NETWORKDOES NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO

REBROADCAST ANY OF NBC'SCOVERAGE.

IF I COULD I WOULDSHOW YOU FOOTAGE OF BOB

COSTAS AND THE HORRIBLELOVECRAFTIAN EYE NIGHTMARE

THAT FORCED HIM OFF THE AIRLAST WEEK.

BUT I CAN'T SO INSTEAD IWILL JUST SHOW A PHOTO OF AN

ACTUAL SNOWMAN MY KIDS MADELAST WE CAN WHERE THEY USED

BLACK BERRIES FOR THE EYESAND ONE OF THE BLACKBERRIES

BURST.

IT'S UNCANNY.

(APPLAUSE)GET WELL, BOB.

GET WELL.

BUT FOLKS THERE IS A DARKCLOUD HANGING OVER THESE

OLYMPICS.

THE SOCHI GAMES HAVE BEENUNDER CONSTANT THREAT FROM A

GROUP OF RADICALS WHO PUTTHE MEN IN FUNDAMENTALISTS,

THE GAYS.

NOW I HAVE TO GIVE A LOT OFCREDIT TO MY FRIEND VLADIMIR

PUTIN, V-PUTZ DID HISBEST TO KEEP GAMES SAFE FROM

HOMOSEXUALS BY PASSINGANTI-GAY PROPAGANDA LAWS.

BUT ARE THOSE LAWS ENOUGH TOKEEP HOMOSEXUALITY OUT OF

THE OLYMPICS?

WELL, UNTIL THEY MAKE ABOBSLED OUT OF GLASS THERE

IS NO WAY TO TELL.

(LAUGHTER)AND, ANYTHING COULD BE

HAPPENING, ANYTHING, MADNESS.

>> TONIGHT, THE LATESTFROM SOCHI, DUE TO WARM

WEATHER THE BOBSLED IS NOWTHE LOG FLUME.

AND SURPRISING NEWS FROMIRAQ, IN THAT I'M SURPRISED

THAT ANYONE IS REPORTINGNEWS FROM IRAQ.

AND MY GUEST ALEXANDER PAYNEDIRECTED THE FILM "NEBRASKA"

WHICH WAS SHOT IN BLACK ANDWHITE THOUGH BECAUSE IT WAS

NEBRASKA I'M GUESSING MOSTLYWHITE.

GEORGIA IS OFFERING ALICENCE PLATE WITH THE

CONFEDERATE FLAG.

I CERTAINLY HOPE STATETROOPERS DON'T USE IT TO

RACIALLY PROFILE WHITEPEOPLE.

THIS IS THE COLBERT REPORT.