Monday, March 3, 2014

  • 03/03/2014

Kurt Braunohler, Chris Jericho and Andy Kindler create food-inspired songs for Fat Tuesday, title Vines from spring break and peruse the BodyBuilding.com message boards.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH TONIGHT,

KINDLER VERSUS JERICHO.

ANDY, ANY PREDICTIONS?

>> I'M ANDY, Y2JEW, AND LET ME

TELL YOU, TONIGHT I'M GOING TO

MAKE TWITTER MY PLAYTHING.

I'M GOING TO TAKE IT BY ITS FONT

AND SQUEEZE IT UNTIL ITS JUGULAR

OR SOME OTHER KIND OF ANALOGY,

I'M GOING TO MAKE JERICHO

MY BRONY.

>> Chris: TALK ABOUT TAKING OUT

THE TRASH WITH TALK, JERICHO,

ANY RESPONSE?

>> I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A FAN OF

MIDGET WRESTLING, THAT WAS GOOD!

>> OH!

>> Chris: I'M CHRIS HARDWICK,

(BLEEP) YOU BOTH.

LET US BEGIN.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

TONIGHT'S RAPID REFRESH HAS A

SPONSOR AND IT'S A VERY GOOD

ONE, IT'S BROUGHT TO YOU BY

"SOUTH PARK: STICK OF TRUTH,"

WHICH I AM VERY EXCITED ABOUT.

IT'S AVAILABLE TOMORROW ON

XBOX 360 AND PLAYSTATION 3

AND PC AND I BETTER (BLEEP) GET

A COPY OF THAT GAME AFTER I

JUST SAID THAT BECAUSE I HAVE

BEEN WAITING FOR IT FOR A LONG

TIME.

ALL RIGHT, THE OSCARS LITERALLY

BROKE TWITTER LAST NIGHT WHEN

THE SELF-CONGRATULATING EVENT

BECAME A SELFIE-CONGRATULATING

EVENT AND THIS PICTURE GOT 2.7

MILLION RETWEETS.

THERE IT IS.

THAT'S A LOT OF FAMOUS PEOPLE.

IF THE TERRORISTS AIMED THERE,

WE WOULD BE DONE AS A COUNTRY,

WE WOULD JUST CRUMBLE.

OF COURSE, THE BIGGEST DEAL

ABOUT THE OSCARS ISN'T THE

AWARDS ANYMORE, IT'S THE MEMES

THAT ARE GENERATED DURING AND

AFTER THE SHOW.

LIKE THIS MEME OF EVERYONE IN

ELLEN'S SELFIE AS KEVIN SPACEY.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S ALL JUST KEVIN SPACEY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I'M NOT SURE HOW RACIALLY

COMFORTABLE I AM WITH THIS ONE.

(LAUGHTER)

COMEDIANS, WHICH OF THE

FOLLOWING MEMES BASED ON AN

OSCAR MOMENT GOT THE MOST

RETWEETS?

A) BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH WHO

PHOTOBOMBED U2 AT THE OSCARS

CUMBERBOMBING GRAVITY.

THERE HE IS.

(LAUGHTER)

B) BETTE MIDLER STOLE APPLAUSE

FROM THE IN MEMORIAM MONTAGE AND

HERE SHE IS STEALING PHARRELL'S

HAT.

(LAUGHTER)

C) JARED LETO AS BUDDY JESUS

FROM DOGMA.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING GOT THE

MOST RETWEETS?

KURT BRAUNOHLER.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY A JUST

BECAUSE I WANT TO SAY BENNY

DICK.

>> Chris: IT'S BENEDICT.

HE'S SHERLOCK HOLMES, GET IT

RIGHT.

NO, THE CORRECT ANSWER IS C,

BUDDY JESUS AND JARED LETO.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

#HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

DO YOU FEEL THAT?

IT FEELS LATE.

THAT MEANS IT'S PAST MIDNIGHT,

WHICH MEANS IT IS OFFICIALLY

FAT TUESDAY!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS A

CELEBRATION OF GLUTTONY IN

EVERY WAY, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#FOODSONGS.

SO EXAMPLES OF THIS MIGHT BE

HOTEL CALIFORNIA PIZZA KITCHEN,

OR OOPS, I ATE IT AGAIN.

(LAUGHTER)

OR WIND BENEATH MY HOT WINGS.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK STARTING NOW, AND GO!

BRAUNOHLER.

>> I STILL HAVEN'T FOUND WHAT

I'M COOKING FOR.

>> Chris: YES, NICE, WELL DONE.

JERICHO.

>> YOU COOKED ME ALL NIGHT LONG.

>> Chris: YES, WELL DONE.

POINTS.

ANDY KINDLER.

>> WICHITA KEY LIME PIE MAN.

>> Chris: IT'S CLUNKY, BUT I

LIKE YOU, POINTS.

KURT.

>> ♪ HEY, FOOD.

>> Chris: DON'T SING ANYMORE, WE

CAN'T AFFORD THAT.

POINTS, I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS TO

STOP YOU.

JERICHO.

>> I WANT TO FOLD YOUR HAM.

>> Chris: YES, I WANT TO FOLD

YOUR HAM.

THAT ALSO WOULD HAVE WORKED FOR

PORN SONGS.

KURT BRAUNOHLER.

>> CHALLAH BACK GIRL.

>> Chris: POINTS, YES.

ANDY KINDLER.

>> LET IT BEETS.

>> Chris: YES, OKAY, THAT'S WHEN

BEETS WORKS.

POINTS.

KURT.

>> WHEN DOVES CRY BECAUSE WE ARE

COOKING THEM.

>> Chris: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)

NOT REALLY FOOD, IT'S TORTURE.

OKAY, YES, POINTS THOUGH.

JERICHO.

>> SMOKE ON THE WATERMELON.

>> Chris: YES, SMOKE ON THE

WATERMELON.

YEAH, ANDY KINDLER.

>> I WANT CANDY, BUT I PROBABLY

SHOULD HAVE A SENSIBLE SALAD OR

A HANDFUL OF HEALTHY NUTS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT,

BUT SPRING BREAK 2014 HAS

OFFICIALLY BEGUN!

WHOO!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

COMEDIANS, WE'RE GOING TO SHOW

YOU SOME VINES OF AMERICA'S

FUTURE LEADERS ENJOYING THEIR

SPRING BREAKS, FOR EACH ONE YOU

HAVE TO COME UP WITH A NAME FOR

THEIR VIDEO.

ALL RIGHT?

YOU'RE NAMING SPRING BREAK

VINES.

HERE WE GO, THERE'S THIS FIRST

ONE.

>> WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO THE

BEACH!

>> WHOO!

>> SPRING BREAKERS!

>> (BLEEP)!

>> Chris: JERICHO.

>> THREE GIRLS, ONE SOLO CUP.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

POINTS, CHRIS JERICHO.

>> I GOT ONE FOR THAT.

>> Chris: WHAT?

>> WHEN THIS BABY HITS 88 MILES

PER HOUR, YOU ARE GOING TO SEE

SOME SERIOUS (BLEEP)!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YES.

I BELIEVE THAT WAS FROM THE PORN

"BACK DOOR TO THE FUTURE."

(LAUGHTER)

NEXT ONE, NEXT ONE.

CHECK OUT THIS PAINT PARTY.

KURT.

>> HEY, THIS GUY OVER HERE

(BLEEP) RAINBOWS!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

ANDY.

>> YOU'RE RIGHT.

LEAD PAINT IS GROOVY.

(LAUGHTER)

WEIGHT LISTING.

WEIGHT LISTING.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO I FEEL LIKE MAYBE ONLY ONE

OF US IN THIS GROUP MIGHT

ACTUALLY KNOW THIS, BUT THE

MESSAGE BOARDS AT

bodybuilding.com ARE AS STRANGE

AS THEY ARE BROAD.

COMEDIANS, WE WILL GIVE YOU THE

TITLES OF TWO bodybuilding.com

MESSAGE BOARD THREADS AND YOU

HAVE TO GUESS WHICH ONE IS REAL.

SO HERE'S THE FIRST ONE:

HOW CAN I CONTACT A

HONEST-TO-GOD NINJA?

OR: HAD A WEIRD DREAM ABOUT

GEORGE COSTANZA LAST NIGHT.

SERIOUS.

KURT.

>> HAD A WEIRD DREAM ABOUT

GEORGE COSTANZA LAST NIGHT.

>> I BELIEVE THAT IS THE CORRECT

ANSWER: HAD A WEIRD DREAM ABOUT

GEORGE COSTANZA LAST NIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

LET ME JUST READ YOU A PASSAGE.

LET ME JUST READ YOU A PASSAGE.

GEORGE IS NOW MAD AS (BLEEP) AND

HE GOT HIS HANDS ON ME AND I TRY

TO PUSH HIM AWAY, BUT I CAN'T,

DUDE IS LIKE HULK STRONG.

HE PUSHES ME, PRETTY MUCH LIFTS

ME UP AND THROWS ME ON THE

TABLE.

I'M SURPRISED AS (BLEEP) BY HIS

HUGE POWER.

>> "WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH ANAL

SEX?"

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH

IT?

>> I LOVE THE IDEA THAT SEINFELD

COMES IN AND SEES THIS.

OH, I CAN MAKE SOME

OBSERVATIONAL HUMOR ABOUT THIS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE

WHAT'S HAPPENED, JERRY!

(SCREAMS)

(BLEEP)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: JERICHO--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT, KURT GOT POINTS FOR

THAT.

NOW, I'LL GIVE CHRIS 100 POINTS

FOR JERICHO KRAMER.

NEXT ONE, NEXT ONE: MY FARTS

ARE LITERALLY OUT OF CONTROL,

BRAHS, DEAD SERIOUS.

OR: WHAT KIND OF FISH WOULD BE

CLOSEST IN TEXTURE TO MERMAID

MEAT?

JERICHO.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY WHAT KIND OF

FISH WOULD BE CLOSEST IN TEXTURE

TO MERMAID MEAT.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS:

MY FARTS ARE LITERALLY

OUT OF CONTROL, BRAHS.

DEAD SERIOUS.

IT'S THE EGG WHITES, BRAH.

SERIOUSLY, THEY MAKE MINE SMELL

LIKE SULFUR AND GENOCIDE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> I LIKE THAT THEY ARE

CONSTANTLY REMINDING EVERYONE

THAT THEY'RE SERIOUS.

LIKE THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY

OR INTERESTING ABOUT THIS.

LIKE, NO, SERIOUS, BRAH.

>> OR LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION,

IS IT MY FARTS ARE LITERALLY OUT

OF CONTROL, BRAHS, DEAD SENIORS.

HIS FARTS ARE SO BAD THEY

ACTUALLY KILLED OLD PEOPLE.

>> Chris: OLD PEOPLE DON'T HAVE

THE ABILITY TO--

>> MY FARTS OUT OF CONTROL, DEAD

SENIORS EVERYWHERE.

IF YOU WANT GENOCIDE, I'M GOING

TO GIVE THEM TO YOU, TO THE DEAD

SENIORS.

>> Chris: OH, NO, HE'S COMING

THIS WAY!

NEXT ONE.

"PENIS DOES NOT FIT."

AND THEN THAT'S IT.

PENIS DOES NOT FIT.

OR THE WONDER YE ARS FINALLY

COMING TO DVD.

KURT.

>> PENIS DOES NOT FIT.

JUST BECAUSE A MAN CAN DREAM.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

PENIS DOES NOT FIT!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND THE WONDER YEARS FINALLY

COMING TO DVD.

♪ WHAT WOULD YOU DO

IF MY PENIS WAS BIG? ♪

>> WHO SINGS THAT SONG?

>> Chris: JOE COCKER.

POINTS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

JERICHO, POINTS.

BAD WRESTLING MOVES!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WHAT WAS THE WORST WRESTLING

MOVIE THAT YOU EVER REGRETTED

DOING?

>> ACTUALLY THERE IS A GUY IN

JAPAN WHO USED TO JUMP OFF THE

TOP ROPE ONTO YOUR STOMACH WITH

BOTH FEET AND IT WOULD CAUSE

YOU TO (BLEEP) YOURSELF.

THAT'S TRUE, TRUE STORY, YEAH.

>> Chris: SO BASICALLY--

>> HE WOULD JUMP OFF AND JUST

GO--.

>> Chris: OH, LIKE A TOOTHPASTE

TUBE.

(FART SOUNDS)

>> WAS THAT CALLED THE POOP

SHOOTER?

>> IT COULD HAVE BEEN.

HE WAS 300 POUNDS.

>> Chris: WOW, WHY WOULD ANYONE

ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN?

>> BECAUSE YOU HAD TO.

BECAUSE WE'RE STUPID.

BECAUSE FIRE BAD!

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, THERE ARE

THOUSANDS OF WRESTLING TUTORIALS

ON YOUTUBE THAT TEACH YOU HOW TO

DO REAL WRESTLING MOVES LIKE THE

CAMEL CLUTCH, THE CROSS FACE

CHICKEN WING AND OF COURSE THE

WALLS OF JERICHO.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOU

GUYS TO NAME WRESTLING MOVES

THAT SHOULD NEVER EVER EXIST.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK, AND GO.

KURT.

>> UNCLE FUNKLE'S BAD TOUCH.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: SHOULD NOT EVER EXIST.

POINTS.

KURT.

>> THE LUMPY PUMPER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: GOD, POINTS.

JERICHO.

>> THE TAINT BITE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: AS A WRESTLING MOVE?

YOU'D HAVE TO PIN SOMEONE DOWN

AND JUST GINGERLY--

POINTS, POINTS.

KURT.

>> THE AIRPORT SALAD.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WHAT IS THAT?

>> OH, IT'S JUST SAD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

IT'S ALL WILTY AND SAD.

ANDY KINDLER.

>> THE GET ALL SWEATY AND THEN

HUG YOU INAPPROPRIATELY MOVE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WHICH IS THE UNCLE--

>> UNCLE FUNKLE'S BAD TOUCH.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS ANDY

KINDLER.

JERICHO.

>> THE FISTING.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: OH, GOOD LORD!

POINTS!

>> THE ATOMIC FINGER BLAST.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

JERICHO.

>> THE TOP ROPE DROP (BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER)

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