Mike Macdonald & William Coronel

  • Season 1, Ep 0125
  • 02/24/1992

WELL, ACTUALLY, IT'SA BROTHER AND SISTER ACT

AND THEY COME TO EVERY GIG,LIKE, WEEKS BEFORE

AND THEY CALL ME AT MY HOTELAND THEY GO

"THERE'S GOING TO BE TROUBLEIN ROW 29, SEAT B AND C."

THAT'S BECAUSE I'M...I GET WORRIED, YOU KNOW.

BUT I CAN SEE UP THERE,AND YOU'RE FINE.

BECAUSE YOU'RE NUNS--

THAT'S WHY EVERYTHING'SGOING TO FABULOUS.

AND I LOVE NUNS--I DIDN'T MEAN THAT

IN A DISRESPECTFUL WAY,YOU KNOW THAT.

BUT, UH...BUT I'M A LITTLE ANXIOUS

BECAUSE I HAVE A BEST FRIEND...WELL, A COLLEGE FRIEND

AND HE'S GETTING MARRIED FORTHE SIXTH TIME, WHICH IS SAD.

SO HE COMES OUT HERE AND HE SAYS

"I CAN'T BELIEVEYOU'RE HOSTING THE A LIST."

I SAID, "I WROTE YOU A LETTER."

I WROTE IT LIKE EIGHT WEEKS AGO.

I MEAN, WHAT IS... THE MAILKEEPS GOING UP, THE STAMPS.

I MEAN, FIRST-CLASS MAIL SUCKS.

WHAT IS...WHAT IS THIRD-CLASS MAIL?

THEY MUST STRAP A LETTER ONTHE BACK OF A MENTAL PATIENT

AND HE WANDERS AIMLESSLY.

( laughter )

BUT HE'S MOVING OUT HERE WITHHIS SOON-TO-BE-SEVENTH WIFE

OR SIXTH, I DON'TEVEN KNOW ANYMORE

AND HE HAS ONE KID FROMHIS, I THINK, SECOND MARRIAGE

AND HE TURNED HOLLYWOOD--

HE CALLED HIS SON "BRUNCH,"WHICH I FELT WAS SAD.

( laughter )

AND I PICKED HIM UP, ANDHE WAS NERVOUS, HE WAS DRINKING.

LIKE, HE TOOK THE RED-EYEFROM NEW YORK, AND, UH...

I MEAN, 7:00 A.M.-- LOOK,I'M NOT JUDGING ANYBODY

BUT HE HAD A BLOODY MARYAT THE AIRPORT BAR

AND... I DON'T KNOW,IT WAS ALMOST LIKE

IF YOU'RE GOING TO DRINK AT 7:00

WHEN THEY PUTTHAT CELERY STALK IN THERE

IT WAS ALMOST LIKEAN ANNOUNCEMENT

LIKE WAR OF THE WORLDS:

"SOMEONE IS DRINKING AT 7:00,SOMEONE IS DRINKING AT 7:00."

( mimicking alarm )

REALLY, AND IT JUST...

BUT, UM, YOU KNOW,I DIDN'T MIND HIM DRINKING.

I MEAN, I'M NOT...I DON'T JUDGE ANYBODY

BUT HE STARTED EVERY SENTENCEWITH, "HO, HO, HO!"

SO I DON'T KNOW,THAT WAS EMBARRASSING.

THAT WAS A VERY NICEINTRODUCTION FROM RICHARD

VERY SUCCINCT AND CONCISE.

I APPRECIATE THAT.

A WHILE AGO, I DIDCAROLINE'S COMEDY HOUR

WHEN IT WAS HOSTEDBY CAROL LIEFER.

PEOPLE ARE FAMILIARWITH CAROL LIEFER?

YEAH, SHE'LL BE HAPPYABOUT THE NAME RECOGNITION.

ANYWAYS...

SO I'M ON THE SHOW,AND IT'S ONE OF THOSE SHOWS

WHERE THEY HAVE50 ZILLION COMEDIANS

AS OPPOSED TO JUST TWO.

SO BEFORE THE SHOW, THEY PASSOUT THESE BLANK FLASHCARDS

FOR THE COMEDIANS TO WRITETHEIR OWN INTRODUCTIONS.

HIGHLY PRESUMPTUOUS, I THINK.

WHAT THE HELL AREYOU GOING TO WRITE?

"OH, SAY THAT I'M SO GREAT.

YEAH, I'M REALLY FUNNY--SAY THAT."

SO I'VE KNOWN CAROL FOR ABOUTTEN YEARS, SHE'S A GOOD FRIEND

SO I WALK UP TO HER AND I SAY,"LOOK, JUST SAY WHAT YOU WANT."

SHE BRINGS ME UP LIKE THIS:

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,I'M SO HAPPY

"TO HAVE OUR NEXT GUESTON THE SHOW.

"IT'S TAKEN YEARSFOR ME TO GET HIM ON

"AND I THINK HE'SONE OF THE FUNNIEST

MOST PROLIFIC COMEDIANSWORKING TODAY."

I GO ONSTAGE, I KNOW ALL THEOTHER COMICS ARE IN THE BACK

GOING, "WHO THE HELLDOES THIS GUY THINK HE IS?

"I COULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT,THAT EGOMANIAC.

"WHAT THE HELL...

LOOK AT HIS HEAD,LOOK HOW BIG IT IS, LOOK."

BUT, YOU KNOW, I REALLYENJOY STAND-UP COMEDY

FOR ONE SIMPLE REASON:IT'S HONEST, IT'S PURE.

YOU CAN'T FAKE THIS-- EITHERYOU'RE FUNNY OR YOU'RE NOT.

IF CHRIST CAME BACK AND WANTEDTO BE A STAND-UP COMEDIAN

IF HE WASN'T FUNNY WITHINTHE FIRST THREE MINUTES

PEOPLE WOULD START GOING,"DON'T QUIT YOUR CARPENTER JOB."

"OH, HE'S DOING THE WINEAND FISH TRICK AGAIN.

OH, WE HAVEN'T SEENTHIS ONE BEFORE."

( applause )

"OH, MAN.

"OH, HE'S WALKING ON THEDRINKS-- THAT'S NEW, THAT'S NEW.

HE'S GOT SOME NEW MATERIAL,THAT'S GOOD."

( laughter )

ELVIS GETS A STAMP,JESUS DOESN'T GET A STAMP?

WHAT DOES THE GUY HAVE TO DOFOR YOU PEOPLE?

( laughter )

GET A COUPLE MORE TOP TEN,MAYBE... YEAH, OKAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE ELVIS STAMPMEANS, DON'T YOU?

IT MEANS IT'S TIME TO BUYTHAT CAR YOU ALWAYS WANTED

TAKE THAT VACATIONYOU ALWAYS WANTED TO TAKE

GATHER AROUND YOUR LOVED ONES

BECAUSE THE APOCALYPSEIS AT HAND.

IT'S RIGHT THERE IN REVELATIONS:

THE LAST TWO LINKS OF THEAPOCALYPSE ARE THE ELVIS STAMP

AND GROWING PAINSGOING INTO SYNDICATION.

NOW, I WAS WATCHING C.N.N.A LITTLE WHILE AGO.

I PREFER C.N.N. BECAUSEIT HAS SOME CLASS TO IT.

NOTHING WORSE THANTHESE BAD NEWS SHOWS

WHERE THEY SUFFERFROM SEGUE DISEASE.

THEY HAVE THISHEART-RENDERING STORY

ABOUT A FAMILY WHO'S BEENBURNED OUT OF THEIR HOUSE

THEY LOSE EVERYTHING THEY OWN--

YOU KNOW, A TEARJERKER,YOU KNOW.

THEN THEY SEGUETO THE SPORTS GUY.

"WELL, SPEAKINGOF LOSING EVERYTHING

THE DODGERS TODAY LOSTTHE BIG DOUBLE-HEADER..."

YOU KNOW, HAVE SOME CLASS,WHY DON'T YOU?

( laughter )

IT'S, YOU KNOW...IT'S LOW, YOU KNOW?

SO I'M FOLLOWING THIS STORYON OZZY OSBOURNE.

HE'S BEING SUEDBECAUSE APPARENTLY

THIS BOY'S PARENTS BELIEVE

THAT THEIR BOY WAS KILLEDDUE TO A SONG BY OZZY OSBOURNE

CALLED "SUICIDE SOLUTION."

NOW, YOU HAVE TO ADMIT,IT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD FOR OZZY.

"SUICIDE SOLUTION"--I'M SURE HIS AGENT IS GOING

"WELL, WHY DON'TYOU JUST CALL IT

"'KILL YOURSELF SOYOUR PARENTS CAN SUE US.'

"WHY DON'T YOU CALL ALL THE SONGS THAT?

GOOD, MR. BIG SHOT, MR. LUCIFER,MR. I'M-SO-DARK."

BUT ANYWAYS,THE IDEA OF A ROCK STAR

MAKING YOUR CHILD KILLTHEMSELVES IS SO LUDICROUS.

I MEAN, I'VE ENJOYEDROCK 'N' ROLL SINCE I WAS A KID.

NOW, WHEN I WAS A KID,I WORSHIPPED THE BEATLES

BUT IF THEY WERETO COME UP TO ME PERSONALLY

AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, PAULY,GEORGE AND RINGO AND I

WERE THINKING YOUSHOULD KILL YOURSELF"

AND IT WAS LIKE, "YEAH, I THINKTHERE'S A NEW STONES ALBUM OUT.

EXCUSE ME."

( laughter )

I MEAN, THIS IS LUDICROUS.

( applause )

YOU KNOW?

I STILL LISTEN TO A LOTOF THAT MUSIC, YOU KNOW

AND SOME OF IT ISMORE LONG TERM.

LIKE THE BEATLES STILL STAND UP.

I REMEMBER IN '78, '79, '80,I WAS REALLY INTO THE PUNK MUSIC

BUT THAT STUFFDOESN'T QUITE HOLD UP.

I MEAN, I STILL SEE KIDSWITH THE LOOK AND EVERYTHING

BUT IT'S HARD TO IMAGINETHESE PEOPLE 40 YEARS FROM NOW

GOING, "THEY'REPLAYING OUR SONG."

( laughter )

( applause )

"BOY, I CAN'T SLAM DANCETHE WAY I USED TO.

AND THAT HEAD BUTT REALLYTOOK SOMETHING OUT OF ME THERE."

( laughter )

I WAS THINKING ABOUT IT,YOU KNOW.

IT'S POSSIBLE THAT MY PARENTS,WHEN THEY CONCEIVED ME

WERE LISTENING TO THEPOPULAR MUSIC OF THEIR DAY

AND I GOT VERY CURIOUS AT THIS,SO I CHECKED IT OUT.

I WAS BORN JUNE 21, 1955.

I CHECKED OUT AN OLDBILLBOARD CHART BOOK.

THE NUMBER ONE SONG FOR 1955 WAS"THE BALLAD OF DAVY CROCKETT."

NOT REALLY THE CONCEPTION SONGI WAS LOOKING FOR, BUT...

IT'S KIND OF HARD TO PICTUREYOUR PARENTS GOING

♪ DAVY, DAVY...

"PASS ME THAT COONSKIN CAP,HONEY."

♪ DAVY...

( laughter )

OF COURSE, IT'S HARD TO PICTURE

YOUR PARENTS DOING ITAT ALL, REALLY.

IT... YOU KNOW.

( laughter )

YOU KNOW?

I HAVE TWO BROTHERS-- THATMEANS THEY DID IT THREE TIMES.

( laughter )

ANYWAY...

"LEAVE HER ALONE," YOU KNOW?

( laughter )

MY WIFE IS TRYINGTO GET PREGNANT NOW

AND THE STRANGEST WAYI'VE HEARD IT BEING PUT IS...

ONE OF MY FRIENDSACTUALLY SAID TO ME

"I HEAR YOU'RE WORKINGON HAVING A KID."

THAT IS THE STUPIDEST WAYTO PUT IT.

IT'S LIKE, "YEAH,WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK."

( laughter )

WORK, WORK, WORK...LOT OF UNEMPLOYED OUT THERE

BUT I HAVE A FULL-TIME JOB.

WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK.

( applause )

I DON'T MIND THE OVERTIME...YEAH, THAT'S IT.

"HE'S A COMPANY MAN,THAT MacDONALD, YES."

( laughter )

A JAPANESE--"VERY HARD WORKER, OH, YES.

"VERY HARD.

HE NOT LAZY, NOT LAZY AT ALL."

( laughter )

BUT TO MY CHAGRIN, IT HASTURNED OUT TO BE QUITE THE WORK

BECAUSE MY WIFEHAS GONE OVERBOARD

WITH THESE PREGNANCY CHARTS.

SHE HAS CHARTS NOWOF THE MOON AND THE TIDES

AND, LIKE, THE OPTIMUM TIMEFOR FERTILIZATION.

IT'S LIKE, "5:30 THURSDAY--HAVE IT AT 5:30 THURSDAY."

IT'S LIKE ALL THIS PRESSURE NOW,IT'S LIKE A MISSION.

IT'S LIKE, "I'LL BEWEARING A RED CARNATION.

ASK FOR COLONEL TROUTMAN."

WORK, WORK, WORK--YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE...

IT TAKES ALL THE ROMANCEOUT OF IT.

AND CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF,REAL MEN ENJOY ROMANCE.

REAL MEN WANT TO SATISFYTHEIR PARTNERS.

NOTHING MORE THAN I--MY SATISFACTION DERIVES

FROM MY WIFE'S SATISFIED LOOKON HER FACE IN BED.

I THINK EVERY ROMANCE FANTASY IS

TO HAVE THE PARAMEDICS COMEAFTER SEX.

"CLEAR!

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER, BUDDY?CLEAR!

"THAT'S THE THIRD TIMETHIS WEEK!

WE'RE NOT COMING BACK."

MY BUDDY, HE SAYS,"CAN I COME TO THE..."

MY FRIEND WHO'S GETTING MARRIEDFOR THE EIGHTH TIME

HE ASKED ME HOW LONGHE CAN STAY.

AND I SAID, "WELL, I DON'T KNOW,HOW LONG DO YOU WANT TO STAY?"

BECAUSE THE WEDDING'S, LIKE,IN EIGHT MONTHS.

SO HE SAYS, "WELL, I FIGURED I'DSTAY TILL THE MESSIAH COMES."

OH, GEE, YOU KNOW...THAT JUST... IT'S A LONG...

YEAH, I THINK HE'S EVOLVED.

I'M NOT SURE IFHE'S A MOBSTER OR...

WHAT'S A JEWISH MOBSTER?I DON'T EVEN...

"I'M GOING TO BREAK THE LEGSOF YOUR THERAPISTS

THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING TO DO."

BUT IN COLLEGE--THE REASON I'M PARANOID...

HEY, KIDS, SAFE SEX, NO DRUGS

BUT HE SMOKED A LOT OF GRASSBACK IN COLLEGE

BECAUSE WE'RE TALKING THE '60s,AND, UH...

I MEAN, THIS IS A GUYWHO IN INTRAMURALS

ACTUALLY WAS LIKE... HE GOT SMACKED DURING A TACKLE

AND WALKED OFF THE FIELD ANDHE WAS COMPLAINING OF CLARITY.

THAT'S HOW WHACKED OUTTHIS GUY WAS.

( laughter )

HE WOULD DRIVETO THE FRATERNITY HOUSES

AND HE PUT VISINE INTHE HEADLIGHTS OF HIS CAR

BECAUSE THE CARDIDN'T KNOW WHERE...

( laughter )

AND THOSE MIRRORSTHAT YOU WENT...

"IS THAT JULIUS CAESAR?"

HE HAD NO IDEA WHAT THOSEOBJECTS WERE IN HIS MIRROR.

I MEAN, HE WAS OUT OF HIS MIND.

BUT HE WOULD DRIVE LIKEABOUT A MILE AN HOUR.

I MEAN, HIS CAR WOULD TIPPY-TOE.

HE WAS SO STONED ALL THE TIME.

HE ACTUALLY ONE TIME--

THAT'S WHEN I KNEW DRUGSWERE LIKE, YOU KNOW--

AND AGAIN, KIDS,ON THE A LIST NO DRUGS--

BUT HE ACTUALLY, HE WOULDBRAKE FOR THE HORIZON.

THAT'S HOW STONED HE WAS.

( laughter )

SO... FORGET ABOUT IT.

NOW I WANT TO BRING OUTNOW SOMEBODY

IT IS BILLIAM, IT'S NOT WILLIAM,IT'S WITH A "B."

I KNOW IT'S BIZARRE--IT'S LATIN.

IT MEANS WILLIAM, AND, UH...

MY MOTHER COULDN'T DECIDE

SO SHE TOOK TWO NAMES ANDJUST MIXED THEM TOGETHER:

BOUILLON AND HELIUM.

( laughter )

CORONEL, MY LAST NAME,OF COURSE AN INDIAN WORD

MEANING "NOT GOOD ENOUGHFOR HARVARD."

( laughter )

I ACTUALLY WENT TO YALE,WHICH I'M VERY PROUD OF.

NOT THE UNIVERSITY,WENT TO THE LOCKSMITHS' SCHOOL

BUT, UH...THAT'S NOT EASY EITHER.

THEY HAVE A GREAT SLOGAN--

"IF YOU CAN GET IN,YOU CAN GET IN."

I HAD NO IDEA.

( laughter )

I'M GLAD TO BE HERE.

THIS... I JUST MOVED BACK HERE.

THIS TAKES A LOT OF GETTINGUSED TO, CALIFORNIA.

THIS SUNTAN LOTIONIS CONFUSING ME.

WHEN I LEFT TEN YEARS AGO

THE HIGHEST SUNTAN LOTION NUMBERWAS 15.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS NOW?

FORTY-FIVE.

YOU KNOW, A FLANNEL SHIRTIS ABOUT 30.

45? WHO'S THIS FOR, VAMPIRES?

GEEZ! IF YOU NEED 45, GIVE UP--YOU'VE BEEN BEATEN GENETICALLY.

YOU DON'T NEED LOTION

YOU NEED A SLEEPING BAGIN A DARK BASEMENT.

THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED.

YEAH.

( applause )

HAVE A CHECKUP--MAYBE YOU'RE A MOLE.

YOU DON'T HAVE SKIN, YOU HAVEFILM, THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

I WANT TO MEET THE GUYWHO MADE THIS WATERPROOF.

THERE'S A NICE FEELING, HUH?

LAY DOWN ON HOT SAND

COVERED IN COCONUT GREASETHAT WON'T WASH OFF-- OH, YEAH.

WHY DON'T I JUST COVER MYSELFIN BACON DRIPPINGS

AND ROLL AROUND IN DIRT?

AT LEAST THEN I'LL HAVESOME COLOR.

YOU DON'T HEAR THE BEACH BOYSSINGING ABOUT THIS PART.

WHEN I THINK ABOUT CALIFORNIA--MY FAMILY LIVES HERE

AND I'M STILL RECOVERINGFROM THE BIG REUNION LAST WEEK.

YOU GET TOGETHERWITH YOUR MOM AND YOUR DAD

AND YOU HAVEN'T SEENTHESE PEOPLE IN TEN YEARS

AND YOU GET A GOOD LOOKAND THINK, "YOU KNOW

FRIENDS COME AND GO,BUT FAMILY IS FOREVER."

WHAT A PACK OF LOSERSI GOT STUCK WITH.

DARWIN HAS GOT SOMEEXPLAINING TO DO HERE.

MY UNCLE'S THE WORST.

IF HE HAD ONE LESS CHROMOSOME,HE'D BE A SIMPSON.

ACTUALLY, ON WHEEL OF FORTUNE

YELLED OUT,"I WANT TO BUY A VOWEL."

"OKAY."

"A FOUR."

( laughter )

WE WENT HUNTING--I'VE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE.

MY UNCLE MAKES HIS OWN DECOYS,WHICH WAS A HUGE HASSLE.

ALL DAY LONG, HAD TO LUG AROUNDTHESE BIG WOODEN DEER.

( laughter )

WENT FISHING, THOUGH...CAUGHT A SHARK.

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, WHEN A SHARKSEES A DEER IN THE WATER

THEY GO RIGHT FOR IT.

A DROWNING DEER,THAT'S A TREAT FOR THEM.

HOW MANY TIMES DO DEERFALL OFF A BOAT?

VERY RARELY, VERY RARELY.

( laughter )

TOOK MY UNCLE TO HIS FIRSTALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS MEETING.

YOU EVER BEENTO AN A.A. MEETING?

WE ENDED UP ATAN A.A.A. MEETING BY MISTAKE.

THING IS, WE DIDN'T KNOW IT.

EVERYBODY'S FILLING OUT FORMSAND READING MAPS.

WE'RE GOING,"HOW'S THIS GOING TO HELP?"

BUT MY UNCLE'S A TROOPER.

HE STOOD UP AND SAID, "MY NAME'SFRANK, AND I'M AN ALCOHOLIC."

THEY ALL LOOKED AND SAID, "WELL,THEN, YOU SHOULDN'T BE DRIVING."

IN FACT, WE GO TO THE BEACH,AND PEOPLE SWIM OUT TO US.

IT'S REALLY SAD.

MY SISTER'S THE WORST.

I MEAN, I'M OVERWEIGHT

BUT SHE QUIT SCHOOLTO EAT FULL TIME.

SHE HAS AN HOURGLASS FIGURE

BUT THERE'S ONLYEIGHT MINUTES LEFT.

I THINK YOU KNOW YOUHAVE TO GO ON A DIET

WHEN YOU GO BUNGEE JUMPING

AND YOU PULL THE BRIDGE DOWNWITH YOU.

YEAH, I'D FEEL BAD, TOO.

MY DAD'S THE WORST, THOUGH

BECAUSE HE'S REAL FATAND HE'S SHORT

WHICH IS NOT A GOOD COMBINATION.

HE'S A WEEBLE, MY FATHER.

HE WOBBLES, BUT HE WON'TGO DOWN, WHICH IS NICE.

HE'S OLD, TOO,SO HE'S REAL SLOW.

WHEN I WAS BORN, HE WAS 48.

GROWING UP,MY FATHER WAS IN HIS 60s.

WE'D STILL DO FATHER-AND-SON THINGS.

THEY WERE JUST DIFFERENT.

WE TOOK NAPS TOGETHER--THAT WAS OUR BIG THING.

WE USED TO CUTEACH OTHER'S FOOD.

IT WAS NICE, BUT...

YOU EVER DRIVEWITH A MAN THAT OLD?

HERE'S A TIP FOR YOU:PACK A LUNCH.

WE'RE DRIVING EIGHT MILESAN HOUR DOWN THE HIGHWAY.

IN FACT, DOGS WOULD PEE ONOUR TIRES AS WE WERE MOVING.

( laughter )

WE SOLD THE CAR,HAD THE ORIGINAL TANK OF GAS.

IT WAS PATHETIC.

( laughter )

THEY HAD A FIAT,WHICH IS ITALIAN.

IT MEANS "LAWN MOWER."

IN FACT, THEY DID THECOLLISION TEST WITH THE FIAT

THE CAR BROKE DOWNON THE WAY TO THE WALL.

SOMEBODY SAID,"WAIT FOR THE NEXT CRASH

AND GET A RIDE BACK WITH THEM."

IT WAS KIND OF SAD.

EAT A LOT OF WEIRD FOODS,TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT.

A LOT OF TOFU--YOU GUYS EAT THAT STUFF?

I THINK IT'S SPACKLING COMPOUND.

WHAT IS THIS STUFF?IT'S CHICK-PEAS AND GROUT.

YOU EAT TOFU WITH RYE BREAD,GO TO THE BATHROOM

YOU CAN MAKE ADOBE.

YOU CAN CAULK WINDOWS--THAT CAN'T BE GOOD FOR YOU.

TRY TO GIVE TOFU TO A DOG,HE GOES: ( sniffs ).

"I DON'T THINK SO, NO."

THIS IS AN ANIMALTHAT LICKS BETWEEN ITS LEGS

AND SNIFFS FIRE HYDRANTS.

IF HE DOESN'T LIKE SOMETHING,I GO WITH THAT OPINION.

HE'S DRINKING OUT OF THE TOILET.

FIND OUT WHAT HE THINKS.

A DOG EATS ANYTHING...EXCEPT GRAPES.

COULD BE FOOD, MIGHT BE A BALL.

HE'S NOT SURE, SO HE CAN'TTAKE THAT CHANCE.

JUST POLISHES IT UP...

PUH! RIGHT BACK ON THE CARPET,JUST IN CASE.

YOU EVER TRYTO POINT SOMETHING OUT TO A DOG?

LOOK AT THAT! LOOK! OVER THERE!

WHAT DOES HE DO?HE LOOKS AT YOUR FINGER.

TAKE A PICTURE OF IT,TAPE IT TO YOUR FINGER.

"THERE, SEE? THAT'S WHATYOU'VE BEEN MISSING."

I LIKE YORKSHIRE TERRIERS--ANYBODY HAVE ONE OF THOSE?

GOOD TO WASH YOUR CAR WITH--UNBELIEVABLE.

THEY FIT RIGHT IN THE BUCKET,WHICH IS NICE.

"HOLD YOUR BREATH--THERE YOU GO," AND YOU...

BLOW DRY THEM,PUT A STICK UP THEIR BUTT

AND DUST THE FURNITURE.

ANYBODY HAVE A BASSET HOUND?

THERE'S A PARTY ANIMAL, HUH?

YOU THROW A FRISBEE, THEY GO,"NOT A CHANCE IN HELL.

"I'LL TRY TO HAVE IT BACK BYNEXT THURSDAY, BUT I DON'T KNOW.

WORKING ON THAT STICKMOST OF THIS WEEK."

HOW ABOUT A CHIHUAHUA?

THERE'S A WASTE OF DOG FOOD,DON'T YOU THINK?

CHIHUAHUA... LOOKS LIKEA BIG DOG THAT'S STILL FAR AWAY.

( laughter )

( applause )

"LOOK AT THAT GREAT DANEACROSS THE STREET!

"WHAT? OH, IT'S HERE--I HAD NO IDEA.

IT'S A BONSAI GREAT DANE."

THEY ALWAYS BARK...YOU KNOW WHY THEY'RE PISSED OFF?

BECAUSE THEY'RE A BIG DOGIN A TIGHT SKIN.

THEY WANT TO GET BIGGER,BUT THE SKIN HOLDS THEM BACK.

THEIR EYES MADE IT,BUT NOTHING ELSE.

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