Mike Macdonald & William Coronel

  • Season 1, Ep 0125
  • 02/24/1992

WELL, ACTUALLY, IT'SA BROTHER AND SISTER ACT

AND THEY COME TO EVERY GIG,LIKE, WEEKS BEFORE

AND THEY CALL ME AT MY HOTELAND THEY GO

"THERE'S GOING TO BE TROUBLEIN ROW 29, SEAT B AND C."

THAT'S BECAUSE I'M...I GET WORRIED, YOU KNOW.

BUT I CAN SEE UP THERE,AND YOU'RE FINE.

BECAUSE YOU'RE NUNS--

THAT'S WHY EVERYTHING'SGOING TO FABULOUS.

AND I LOVE NUNS--I DIDN'T MEAN THAT

IN A DISRESPECTFUL WAY,YOU KNOW THAT.

BUT, UH...BUT I'M A LITTLE ANXIOUS

BECAUSE I HAVE A BEST FRIEND...WELL, A COLLEGE FRIEND

AND HE'S GETTING MARRIED FORTHE SIXTH TIME, WHICH IS SAD.

SO HE COMES OUT HERE AND HE SAYS

"I CAN'T BELIEVEYOU'RE HOSTING THE A LIST."

I SAID, "I WROTE YOU A LETTER."

I WROTE IT LIKE EIGHT WEEKS AGO.

I MEAN, WHAT IS... THE MAILKEEPS GOING UP, THE STAMPS.

I MEAN, FIRST-CLASS MAIL SUCKS.

WHAT IS...WHAT IS THIRD-CLASS MAIL?

THEY MUST STRAP A LETTER ONTHE BACK OF A MENTAL PATIENT

AND HE WANDERS AIMLESSLY.

( laughter )

BUT HE'S MOVING OUT HERE WITHHIS SOON-TO-BE-SEVENTH WIFE

OR SIXTH, I DON'TEVEN KNOW ANYMORE

AND HE HAS ONE KID FROMHIS, I THINK, SECOND MARRIAGE

AND HE TURNED HOLLYWOOD--

HE CALLED HIS SON "BRUNCH,"WHICH I FELT WAS SAD.

( laughter )

AND I PICKED HIM UP, ANDHE WAS NERVOUS, HE WAS DRINKING.

LIKE, HE TOOK THE RED-EYEFROM NEW YORK, AND, UH...

I MEAN, 7:00 A.M.-- LOOK,I'M NOT JUDGING ANYBODY

BUT HE HAD A BLOODY MARYAT THE AIRPORT BAR

AND... I DON'T KNOW,IT WAS ALMOST LIKE

IF YOU'RE GOING TO DRINK AT 7:00

WHEN THEY PUTTHAT CELERY STALK IN THERE

IT WAS ALMOST LIKEAN ANNOUNCEMENT

LIKE WAR OF THE WORLDS:

"SOMEONE IS DRINKING AT 7:00,SOMEONE IS DRINKING AT 7:00."

( mimicking alarm )

REALLY, AND IT JUST...

BUT, UM, YOU KNOW,I DIDN'T MIND HIM DRINKING.

I MEAN, I'M NOT...I DON'T JUDGE ANYBODY

BUT HE STARTED EVERY SENTENCEWITH, "HO, HO, HO!"

SO I DON'T KNOW,THAT WAS EMBARRASSING.

MY BUDDY, HE SAYS,"CAN I COME TO THE..."

MY FRIEND WHO'S GETTING MARRIEDFOR THE EIGHTH TIME

HE ASKED ME HOW LONGHE CAN STAY.

AND I SAID, "WELL, I DON'T KNOW,HOW LONG DO YOU WANT TO STAY?"

BECAUSE THE WEDDING'S, LIKE,IN EIGHT MONTHS.

SO HE SAYS, "WELL, I FIGURED I'DSTAY TILL THE MESSIAH COMES."

OH, GEE, YOU KNOW...THAT JUST... IT'S A LONG...

YEAH, I THINK HE'S EVOLVED.

I'M NOT SURE IFHE'S A MOBSTER OR...

WHAT'S A JEWISH MOBSTER?I DON'T EVEN...

"I'M GOING TO BREAK THE LEGSOF YOUR THERAPISTS

THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING TO DO."

BUT IN COLLEGE--THE REASON I'M PARANOID...

HEY, KIDS, SAFE SEX, NO DRUGS

BUT HE SMOKED A LOT OF GRASSBACK IN COLLEGE

BECAUSE WE'RE TALKING THE '60s,AND, UH...

I MEAN, THIS IS A GUYWHO IN INTRAMURALS

ACTUALLY WAS LIKE... HE GOT SMACKED DURING A TACKLE

AND WALKED OFF THE FIELD ANDHE WAS COMPLAINING OF CLARITY.

THAT'S HOW WHACKED OUTTHIS GUY WAS.

( laughter )

HE WOULD DRIVETO THE FRATERNITY HOUSES

AND HE PUT VISINE INTHE HEADLIGHTS OF HIS CAR

BECAUSE THE CARDIDN'T KNOW WHERE...

( laughter )

AND THOSE MIRRORSTHAT YOU WENT...

"IS THAT JULIUS CAESAR?"

HE HAD NO IDEA WHAT THOSEOBJECTS WERE IN HIS MIRROR.

I MEAN, HE WAS OUT OF HIS MIND.

BUT HE WOULD DRIVE LIKEABOUT A MILE AN HOUR.

I MEAN, HIS CAR WOULD TIPPY-TOE.

HE WAS SO STONED ALL THE TIME.

HE ACTUALLY ONE TIME--

THAT'S WHEN I KNEW DRUGSWERE LIKE, YOU KNOW--

AND AGAIN, KIDS,ON THE A LIST NO DRUGS--

BUT HE ACTUALLY, HE WOULDBRAKE FOR THE HORIZON.

THAT'S HOW STONED HE WAS.

( laughter )

SO... FORGET ABOUT IT.

NOW I WANT TO BRING OUTNOW SOMEBODY