The One With the Improv Troupe

  • Season 3, Ep 1
  • 09/27/2016

Jonah makes fun of Kumail's fashion choices, Byron Bowers reinvents a classic board game, and Jonah's little sister performs with her improv team.

- Thank you so muchfor coming to the show.

- Thanks for coming to the show.

Give it up forKumail's white T-shirt.

- Fuck you.- Give it up for it.

- What's wrong with this?- He's just like you guys.

A real blue-collar,middle-class...

♪ Like my blue jeansand my white T-shirt ♪

- No, these aren't blue jeans.These are Bonobos, motherfucker.

[laughter]I'm nothing like you.

[laughter]

Wha--what's wrongwith the shirt?

Seriously?- No, it's a great fitted...

attention-grabbing...- All I want is something

that won't make Jonahmake fun of me.

- [laughs]

- Emily bought me a T-shirtthat had thumbs-ups on it,

and I was like, "No."- [laughs]

- Too big a swing.

Jonah can smell bloodin the water.

He's tasted human flesh,and it wants more.

- It does.

- He's making funof the shirt, Emily.

- It's great.I picked it.

- Did you also pick upthe jacket from last season?

[laughter]

Yeah, Kumail's dumb shirt.The hashtag for this episode

is #KumailsDumbShirt.- It's not dumb.

I really was like,"No big swings.

Just go for buntsand base hits."

I had to learn baseballto come up with that analogy.

- I'm a wrestling fan.Any other wrestling fans?

[cheering]

Like, not a lot, so...

the rest of you,fuck you and your fake sport.

I love wrestling.

We lost some key guyslast year in 2015.

We lost some crucial guys,some Hall of Famers,

some old-timers.

We lost Rowdy Roddy Piper.

We lostthe Ultimate Warrior.

We lost Hulk Hogan...

[laughter]

To racism.

And I don't know if you knowthe whole story

of why Hulk Hoganwas in the news last year,

but it turns outhe made a sex tape.

Oh, my God.

I want to fucking get in lineto never, ever see

the Hulk Hogan sex tape.

And duringthe Hulk Hogan sex tape

where the controversy arose,

is apparently he saysthe N-word a bunch

while he's having sexwith the lady.

He says the N-word.

Which, who hasn't hadsex, right?

It's super racist.

No, it's fucking not.

You're not doing it right,Hulkster.

And what I loveabout that story

is it was recordedfour years ago,

and we're just hearingabout it now,

proving my pointthat no one wanted to watch

the fucking Hulk Hogansex tape.

It was sittingon some wrestling nerd's

pile of shit to watchfor, like, four years.

He's like,"Well...

"I made it throughall those 'Doctor Who's.

"That tooklonger than I thought.

"I guess I'll watchHulk Hogan fuck a lady.

Oh, my God!He's racist!"

[laughter]

And if you're surprisedHulk Hogan's racist,

you've never lookedat Hulk Hogan.

That dude looks racistfrom a long ways away.

'Cause that fucking mustacheis made of racism.

I bet if you watchthe sex tape--and don't,

but if you did,you'd find out it's not even

Hulkster being racist.

It's hisracist-talking mustache.

He was, like, having sexwith the lady

and his 'stache is like,"N-word. N-word. N-word."

He's like, "Brother,trying to have sex here."

[laughter]

"Should have shaved offmy talking, racist mustache

when I realized it hatedMexicans last year."

"Don't get me started."

I like "Monopoly"'cause you got a chance

to be, like,like, the 1%.

See what they live like.You know what I mean?

You could makeall this money and shit.

But I created something,you know what I mean?

For people in that lower class,that lower percent.

It's called "Nopoly," you know?

[laughter]

The hood edition.Look at that!

Almost like "Monopoly," but,you know, it's different.

You know what I mean?

You got Jail,but now they added Prison.

And instead of Free Parking,you go to Yo Mama House

'cause you always can kick itat your mama house.

Ain't no Community Chest

'cause ain't no communityin the hood.

It's every man for himself.

Got the top tenmost dangerous cities

to live inin the United States.

It's baller.

I'm gonna dosome rounds for y'all.

I need somebody.I need a volunteer.

You know what I mean?Come on up, brother.

Give this mana round of applause!

What's your name?- Josh.

- Josh?Nice to meet you, Josh.

Thank you for playing.

You get one die instead of somedice, 'cause in the hood,

you don't get many chancesto advance.

[laughter]

Now here's your character.

You're gonna bea nigga with a stick.

You know?

There right there.

And I'm gonna bea nigga with a stick.

Also, every time you roll,

you got to pick a chance card.- Okay.

- 'Cause when you from the hood,when you leave the house,

there's a chanceyou might not come back.

Let's do it!

Three!- Should I pick the card

and then do it,or move first?

- Move.Run! Run!

[laughter]

Compton!

- "You were set upby the police,

go directly to jail."- Wow.

Welcome to the system,you know?

One.Richmond, California.

"You made a million dollarslegally."

Unh![laughter]

- "But you didn't pay taxes,go directly to jail."

[laughter]

It's hard out here for pimp.

It's jail.Everybody get out of jail.

Detroit, Michigan.[exhales sharply]

- "You get out of jail,but you go back

because you're black."

- Dang.

This game is real,ain't it?

Whoo.

Five.

One, two, three,four, five.

Birmingham.Ugh.

[laughter]

"Bang!You got shot at a Bar Mitzvah."

[laughter]

"Shalom, nigga.You dead."

[laughter]

"You win."I win!

[cheering]

- All right, you guys ready for an awesome show?

(applauding)

- We got a good lineup.

- Hey, I wanna go up!

- [Jonah] Oh.

- Let me go up, I wanna do some comedy.

- No, Lauren, I'm so sorry.

My little sister's here again.

Lauren you can't do comedy, you proved that last time.

- I don't do stand-up anymore.

- Okay last time it was so awkward,

'cause she's like in love with me.

- No, I know, I know.

- I don't want this.

- Hi Kumail!

- I thought you were in the car.

- I got out of the car again.

- Jesus Christ, if you're not gonna do comedy,

what are you gonna do?

You're not doing stand-up.

- I'm doing improv now.

- Oh Jesus.

Well we're not gonna bedoing improv with you,

and you can't do improv by yourself, so thanks anyway.

- I don't need you, I have a team!

- [Jonah] What?

- Hi Kumail!

- Hi Kumail! - Hey Kumail, what up!

(laughter)

- [Lauren] Let us come up!

- [All] Please, please, please.

- [Kumail] Jonah, don't do this.

- My mom will kill me ifwe don't bring them up.

Alright, come on.

- [All] Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes man, yes man!

(laughter)

- Hi. - Hi.

(laughter)

- Hi.

- How ya doing girls?

- Hi, we're fine, shut up.

- Fine, shut up.

(laughter)

- Alright, well what's your troupe name?

- [All] We're the We Just Got Our Periods.

- Oh come on, Lauren!

- Except for me, but almost.

- Jonah, this is weird, hi, hey.

- Your shirt looks awesome.

- [All] Yeah.

- Look, look.

- Oh yeah.

- Oh my god, you'relike in love, oh my god.

- Okay, alright, alright, alright, come on.

Lauren just do whatever you're gonna do and then.

- Okay, should we get a suggestion?

- Yeah, let's do it.

- Okay.

- Who can give us a suggestion of anything at all?

- Hurry up and give thema suggestion, please.

- [Audience] Salad bar.

- Salad bar. - Salad bar.

- Thank you.

(eating)

- Lovely.

- This salad bar is really good.

- So good!

- The croutons are here.

- They taste almost as good as I bet Kumail does

if you kiss him.

(inaudible yell and laughter)

- I bet Kumail could toss my salad.

- Oh Lauren, please, Lauren, mom watches the show.

- I don't care, Mom knows about tossing salads.

(laughter)

- You know what doesn't taste good?

Skid marks like your brother has in his underwear.

- Hey, shut up!

- [All] Ew!

- Stay out of my room!

- Wipe your ass!

- I do!

I do wipe my ass, I do wipe my ass!

- Yeah right.

- You wipe your ass with the underwear that you put on.

(laughter)

- Okay, new scene, new scene.

- Okay, can we do another one?

- Yeah.

- Okay, let's do another.

Okay, give us a suggestion.

- What's the suggestion?

- [Audience] Kumail's abs.

- Shut up, no, no, no, no, no.

Shut up, shut up, shut, shut, shut up.

Okay, how about, here'sone, apples, apples.

- Apples, apples.

- Thank you apples.

- Thank you apples.

- So many apples.

- I can't wait to make an apple pie.

- Yeah I'm going to make an apple pie

for my husband, Kumail.

(laughter)

- My husband Kumail and I sometimes lay in the same bed

and our butts touch.

(laughter)

- My husband Kumail and I, sometimes he kisses me

with tongue.

(laughter)

- Sometimes my husband, Kumail,

I put apples in my shirtand they look like boobs

and then I say come and take a bite out of my apples

and he's like, okay,and then I go, go lower!

- End scene, end scene, end scene.

Okay, that's good, you guys are good.

- [All] No, no, no, no.

- You're not letting us do anything.

- Jonah, I told you not to, hey, don't look at me.

- What are you about to say?

- Finish your sentence.

- Go on.

- Don't finish your sentence, Kumail.

- Say it slowly.

- Yeah, whateveryou want to say.

- Feel it.

- Whisper it.

- You guys should go sit down.

(moans)

- Oh god, oh god, Kumail.

Just don't sayanything to them, okay?

- Let us do one more scene, please.

- Please.

- No you did a--

- We'll do a serious one, it won't be about Kumail,

we'll do a serious one.

- It won't be about Kumail?

- It won't be about Kumail.

- Or any of my stuff?

- You can pick the suggestion.

- Okay, funeral home.

- I'm so sad Jonah died.

- This is a good scene.

(laughter)

- It was crazy how he pooped forever 'til he died.

(laughter)

- I know.

- Let's take turns damaging the body.

(laughter)

- I brought my screwdriver.

- That's good.

- I brought a full bladder.

(laughter)

- What did you bring?

- I just brought a secret, but I forgot you can't

tell dead bodies secrets cause they'll never spread

them and then you won't make friends.

- You can tell us your secret.

- Yeah!

- Okay, yesterday I thought I felt my period start

but it was just a little liquid.

- Oh.

- Oh.

- [Female] Do that on the body.

- Go on, do it on the body.

- Ew.

(laughter)

- Lauren, I know obviously we all hate Jonah cause

he's the worst but, he was your brother so you're

probably gonna miss him right?

- We're so sorry he was your brother.

(laughter)

- I'm sorry too but the coolpart is, I didn't tell you guys

I get to fuck Kumail everyday the rest of my life.

- [Jonah] Okay, alright.

- What the fuck?

- Okay get out of here,get out of here Lauren.

- No, one more!

- [All] One more, one more!

- No more!

- [All] One more!

- Okay, all right, but you can't talk about Kumail.

- Just give them a suggestion, this is the last one.

- [All] You giveit, you give it.

- Please, please, please.

- [Female] Anything.

- [Female] Anything at all.

- Um, pickup truck.

- I heard Kumail.

- I'm Kumail.

I'm Kumail.

I'm Kumail.

- Alright stop it!

End scene, end scene, end scene, end scene.

- Fine, thank you!

- Yeah thanks!

- Get out of here!

(upbeat music)