Hammond, House, Pinataland

  • Season 2, Ep 0206
  • 05/30/1998

YOU GUYS ARE A REAL GOOD CROWD.

I SUPPOSE WE GOT SOME "S & L" FANS.

I GOT TO MEET--

HUH ?

BAH TO YOU TOO, ALRIGHT.

THE BEST WAS LIKE MEETING JOE--

I GOT TO MEET JOE PESCI.

IT WAS THE SCARIEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE.

SO I WALK IN THIS ROOM,

AND THERE'S PESCI, MAN.

THERE HE IS.

THIS IS LIKE AN IDOL.

HE'S LITERALLY THE SIZE OF...

THAT BIG.

I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS THAT BIG, MAN.

AND HE'S REALLY COOL AND I'M REALLY NERVOUS.

AND HE'S SITTING THERE THESESUNGLASSES, BIG CIGAR.

"HEY, HEY, HOW YOU DOING ?HOW ARE YOU ?

"HOW YOU DOING ?

"WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN OVER HERE.

"SIT DOWN, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

"LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

"YOU GONNA THANK ME FORGIVING YOU A CAREER ?

I GOT NERVOUS, MAN.

I WAS LIKE OH, MAN.

HOLY COW.

I GO LISTEN, MAN.

IT'S COOL TO BE IN YOURHONOR AND STUFF, YOU KNOW.

HE'S LIKE,

"DO WE HAVE TO USE THE WORD GUINEA AND WOP IN ALL THESE SKETCHES ?

"I MEAN DO YOU FIND THATOFFENSIVE ? YOU KNOW, I COME HERE AND YOU KNOW.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT ?

"WELL, FUNNY ASS, WHAT IS IT ?

YOU GONNA SIT THERE WITH A THUMBUP-- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA BAH FOR ME, YOU GONNA BAH FOR ME ?

"TELL ME SOMETHING, BIG GUY.

"I'M HERE IN FRONT OF YOU.

"YOU'RE TALKING TO ME LIKE I'M MICKEY MOUSE OR SOMETHING.

JOE, MAN, I'M REALLY.

HE SAID,

"HEY, I'M BUSTING YOUR HORNS.

"YOU'RE ON A SHOW OVER HERE,LET'S HAVE A GOOD TIME TONIGHT.

"JUST LIKE YOU PEOPLE.

"YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME ?

( applause )

AND I ALWAYS WATCH THE NEWS, YOU KNOW FOR MATERIAL.

BUT TODAY I JUST HAD TO TURN IT OFF.

IT'S JUST SO CONFUSING NOW.

YOU KNOW, AND NOWHERE IS THAT I GUESS MORE REFLECTED THAN

ON THE FACE OF PRESIDENT CLINTON,

WHO SEEMS TO BE AGING NOW AT MOCK SPEED.

HAVE YOU SEEN HIS FACE, IT JUST--

HE'S GOT THAT A SYMMETRICAL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

HE'S LIKE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE FOR WHOM LAUGHTER ANDRAGE IS INDISTINGUISHABLE NOW.

BILL, HOW'S IT GOING ?

HE LOOKS LIKE HE WANTS TO JUSTLOOK INTO THE CAMERA JUST ONETIME AND JUST SAY, YOU KNOW,

"LET ME, LET ME SAY NOW,

"TO THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA AND THE NATIONS,

"THE NATIONS OF THE WORLD,

"I HATE YOU.

"WHEN I ACCEPTED THIS JOB, I HAD NO EARTHLY IDEA HOW MUCH IT WAS GONNA SUCK."

LIKE GEORGE BUSH HAD A MEAN STREAK.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

BUSH WOULD TRY TO BE COOL,BUT HE COULDN'T HELP HIMSELF.

HE'D START SHAKING.

YOU KNOW HE'D START SHAKING.

( stuttering )

DIDN'T HE ?

HE'D TRY TO START COOL BUT HE'DSTUTTER HIS WAY TO HIS HEART.

IT'S LIKE A PORKY PIG THING WITH HIM.

GEORGE, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO ABOUT HUSSEIN IN KUWAIT ?

SANCTION.

EMBARGO.

SHOOT HIM !

YOU KNOW HE WAS NEVER REALLY A DIPLOMAT, THAT BUSH.

WHEN HE WAS VICE PRESIDENTAND REAGAN WOULD BE TALKING,

IT WAS SO FUNNY CAUSE YOUCOULD CATCH BUSH SITTINGBEHIND REAGAN LOOKING AT HIM,

LIKE YOUR DOG LOOKS AT YOUR ANSWERING MACHINE WHEN YOUR VOICE IS COMING OUT.

HUH ?

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ?

WHAT THE HELL IS HE TALKING ABOUT ?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

CAUSE REAGAN COULD REALLY DRIVE YOU NUTS.

NO DISRESPECT, BUT HE COULD.

CAUSE HE'S PROBABLY THE ONLY HUMAN IN HISTORY THAT COULD SAY NOTHING

BUT SOUND LIKE HE SAID SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

YOU COULD SAY, MR. REAGAN, I HAVE A PHOTO OF YOU AND OLLIE NORTH

LOADING GUNS INTOA TRUNK OF A CAR.

THE AYATOLLAH KHOMEINIBEHIND THE WHEEL.

DO YOU WANT TO COMMENT ON THAT, SIR ?

REAGAN: "WELL,

"IF YOU TAKE A BICYCLE PUMP

"AND LEAVE IT OUTSIDE OVERNIGHT.

"NEXT QUESTION."

BECAUSE HE IS SINCERE IS JESSE JACKSON.

AND I ALWAYS WONDERDO PEOPLE THAT POWERFUL...

BUT THINK ABOUT IT,

IF YOU WERE THAT POWERFUL,

WOULD YOU HAVE CASUAL CONVERSATIONS,

AT ALL ?

SO JESSE DO YOU THINK YOU'D LIKE SOME DINNER ?

"I SAY THAT WE SET THAT APPARATUS IN MOTION.

"IT MADE GOOD JUDGMENT, BUT NOT ONLY THAT, IT MADE GOODSENSE TO HAVE A HARDY BREAKFAST.

"AND IT MADE GOOD JUDGMENT,BUT NOT ONLY THAT,

"IT'S STARTING TO MAKE GOOD SENSE TO HAVE A HARDY LUNCH."