Hammond, House, Pinataland

  • 05/29/1998

YOU GUYS ARE A REAL GOOD CROWD.

I SUPPOSE WE GOT SOME "S & L" FANS.

I GOT TO MEET--

HUH ?

BAH TO YOU TOO, ALRIGHT.

THE BEST WAS LIKE MEETING JOE--

I GOT TO MEET JOE PESCI.

IT WAS THE SCARIEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE.

SO I WALK IN THIS ROOM,

AND THERE'S PESCI, MAN.

THERE HE IS.

THIS IS LIKE AN IDOL.

HE'S LITERALLY THE SIZE OF...

THAT BIG.

I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS THAT BIG, MAN.

AND HE'S REALLY COOL AND I'M REALLY NERVOUS.

AND HE'S SITTING THERE THESESUNGLASSES, BIG CIGAR.

"HEY, HEY, HOW YOU DOING ?HOW ARE YOU ?

"HOW YOU DOING ?

"WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN OVER HERE.

"SIT DOWN, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

"LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

"YOU GONNA THANK ME FORGIVING YOU A CAREER ?

I GOT NERVOUS, MAN.

I WAS LIKE OH, MAN.

HOLY COW.

I GO LISTEN, MAN.

IT'S COOL TO BE IN YOURHONOR AND STUFF, YOU KNOW.

HE'S LIKE,

"DO WE HAVE TO USE THE WORD GUINEA AND WOP IN ALL THESE SKETCHES ?

"I MEAN DO YOU FIND THATOFFENSIVE ? YOU KNOW, I COME HERE AND YOU KNOW.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT ?

"WELL, FUNNY ASS, WHAT IS IT ?

YOU GONNA SIT THERE WITH A THUMBUP-- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA BAH FOR ME, YOU GONNA BAH FOR ME ?

"TELL ME SOMETHING, BIG GUY.

"I'M HERE IN FRONT OF YOU.

"YOU'RE TALKING TO ME LIKE I'M MICKEY MOUSE OR SOMETHING.

JOE, MAN, I'M REALLY.

HE SAID,

"HEY, I'M BUSTING YOUR HORNS.

"YOU'RE ON A SHOW OVER HERE,LET'S HAVE A GOOD TIME TONIGHT.

"JUST LIKE YOU PEOPLE.

"YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME ?

( applause )

OH, MAN.

IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK HERE IN L. A.

IF YOU NEVER HEAR THE WORD EL NINO AGAIN,

WOULDN'T THAT BE ALRIGHT WITH YOU ?

THEY BLAME EVERYTHING ON EL NINO .

WHEN I CAN'T GET IT UP, I GO BABY IT'S EL NINO .

IT AIN'T ME, BABY.

I'M A MAN.

IT'S EL NINO , SEE.

IT'S A WARM FRONT IN THE OCEAN.

THAT'S WHY THIS AIN'T WORKING.

USE EL NI WHEN YOU'RE LATE FOR WORK.

EL NINO .

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT INTHE BAG, YOU DIDN'T PAY FOR IT ?

EL NINO .

THE CURSE OF EL NINO MADE ME STEAL THIS.

I AM SO SORRY.

EL NINO .

IT'S NOT EL NINO .

IT'S CALLED RAIN, OKAY.

GET USED TO IT.

AND EVERY TIME THESE PEOPLE ON TV WHINING.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL THEM LOOK, MAN, YOU LIVE NEAR THE OCEAN.

EVERY NOW AND THEN YOUR CRIB'SGONNA SLIDE INTO THE OCEAN.

THE OCEAN BEEN HERE BEFOREYOU WAS LARGE, OKAY, HOMES ?

IT WILL BE HERE AFTER YOU DEAD.

OKAY, GET WITH THE PROGRAM.

THE GUY WAS ON TV.

I WAS SHOCKED.

THE WHOLE HOUSE WENT-- I WAS SHOCKED.

WAIT A MINUTE.

THANK YOU,THANK YOU.

WE DON'T HAVE TIME FORAPPLAUSE, JUST LAUGH.

NO, WHY WOULD YOU BE SHOCKED ?

I MEAN IF YOU LIVED IN NEBRASKA AND THE PACIFIC OCEAN TOOK YOUR PAD,

I'LL GIVE YOU SHOCKED.

I'LL GIVE YOU SHOCKED.

AND THEN THEY COVER IT FORFIFTEEN MINUTES A NIGHT ON TV.

I'M STANDING HERE ON THE P.C.H...

IT'S POURING DOWN RAIN ON THIS DUDE.

LIKE WHY DO YOU HAVE TOSTAND IN THE RAIN TO TELL US IT'S RAINING ?

WE'LL BELIEVE YOU IF YOU TELL US FROM THE COMFORT OF THE STUDIO.

WE'LL GO OKAY.

WHY DON'T THEY DO THAT FOR FOREST FIRES ?

HAVE SOME GUY STAND IN THE FIRE CAUSE WE CAN'T BELIEVE THEM CAN WE ?

STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIRE.

THERE'S FLAMES COMING OFF HIS HEAD.

I'M STANDING HERE,I'M BURNING.

I WAS A CAUCASIAN BEFORE THIS ASSIGNMENT.

THEY'VE ALREADY LOWERED MY PAY.

THAT'S WHY HILLARY CLINTON.

THAT'S MY GIRL, MAN.

SHE STANDS BY HER MAN.

TWENTY-FOUR SEVEN.

YEAH.

HILLARY.

YEAH !

I KNOW YOU'RE LYING, BILL, BUTWAIT UNTIL THIS ELECTION'S OVER.

WAIT UNTIL WE GET OUT OF THIS WHITE HOUSE.

I'M GONNA KICK YOUR BUTT.

IT'S SO FUNNY.

BUT SHE SAID SOMETHING REALLY BRILLIANT.

SHE SAID IT TAKES THE VILLAGE PEOPLE TO RAISE A CHILD.

THAT'S DEEP, AIN'T THAT ?

THAT'S DEEP.

CAUSE I BE EDUCATING MYSELF.

YOU KNOW, YOU GOTTA CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU WR-WR-WRECK YOURSELF.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ?

SHE SAID IT TAKES THE VILLAGE PEOPLE TO RAISE A CHILD.

CAUSE SOMETIMES YOU NEED A CONSTRUCTION WORKER,

SOMETIMES YOU NEED A COP,

SOMETIMES YOU NEED A BIG GAY INDIAN.

YOU DO.

EVERY NOW AND THEN.

BUT PEOPLE--

YOU KNOW YOU GOTTA THINKGLOBALLY AND DRINK LOCALLY.

THAT'S WHAT I SAY.

BECAUSE PEOPLE HAVETHIS MISCONCEPTION

THAT LIKE TECHNOLOGY IS GONNA SAVE US FROM OURSELVES.

YOU KNOW, TECHNOLOGY'S COOL, BUT...

IF PEOPLE DON'T GET A LITTLE HIPPER,

IT AIN'T GONNA DO NOTHING,BUT DESTROY YOU QUICKER.

I MEAN YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE HITLER WITH WINDOWS 98 ?

DO YOU ?

I MEAN YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT.

MUSSOLINI ON A MACINTOSH.

YOU DON'T WANT THAT.

FOLKS, I GOT A MILLION OF THEM.

RONALD REAGAN WITH A BRAIN,WOULDN'T THAT HAVE BEEN SCARY ?

BUT MY POINT IS--

OH, SHUT UP, SHUT UP !

GO TO THE AIRPORT.

GO TO ORANGE COUNTY,GET OUT OF HERE.

ANYWAY, MY POINT IS--

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

MAN, THIS WHOLE TECHNOLOGICAL THING IS KIND OF,

YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW.

BUT PEOPLE ARE GETTING KIND OF WOOOOOO !

LIKE IT'S GONNA HELP-- LIKE CLONES.

OH, MAN IT'S GREAT WE GOT CLONES.

LIKE WHY ?

YOU AIN'T GONNA GET A CLONE,YOU CAN'T EVEN GET A CAR.

SHUT UP, YOU KNOW ?

OOOOOH !

CAUSE CLINTON CAME OUT AND SAID THERE WILL BE NOFEDERAL FUNDING FOR CLONES.

AND I'M THINKING WOW, THAT AIN'T GONNA WORK.

PROHIBITION'S NEVER WORKED IN THIS COUNTRY.

THEY TRIED TO DO IT WITH CIGARETTES.

THEY TRIED IT WITH ALCOHOL.

IT JUST CREATES ANOTHER CRIMINAL ELEMENT.

CAUSE WHEN CLONES ARE OUTLAWEDONLY OUTLAWS WILL HAVE CLONES.

YEAH, THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU'LL BE WALKING THROUGH THE PARK.

SOMEBODY GO YO, MAN, YOUWANT TO GET ONE OF YOU ?

WHAT ?

YEAH, I'M HOLDING, BABY.

I'M ROLLING,I GOT ONE OF YOU.

YOU WANT ONE OF YOU, CUZ, OR WHAT ?

IT'S IDENTICAL, HOMEY.

EXCEPT THE EAR KIND OF FALLING OFF.

AND I ALWAYS WATCH THE NEWS, YOU KNOW FOR MATERIAL.

BUT TODAY I JUST HAD TO TURN IT OFF.

IT'S JUST SO CONFUSING NOW.

YOU KNOW, AND NOWHERE IS THAT I GUESS MORE REFLECTED THAN

ON THE FACE OF PRESIDENT CLINTON,

WHO SEEMS TO BE AGING NOW AT MOCK SPEED.

HAVE YOU SEEN HIS FACE, IT JUST--

HE'S GOT THAT A SYMMETRICAL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

HE'S LIKE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE FOR WHOM LAUGHTER ANDRAGE IS INDISTINGUISHABLE NOW.

BILL, HOW'S IT GOING ?

HE LOOKS LIKE HE WANTS TO JUSTLOOK INTO THE CAMERA JUST ONETIME AND JUST SAY, YOU KNOW,

"LET ME, LET ME SAY NOW,

"TO THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA AND THE NATIONS,

"THE NATIONS OF THE WORLD,

"I HATE YOU.

"WHEN I ACCEPTED THIS JOB, I HAD NO EARTHLY IDEA HOW MUCH IT WAS GONNA SUCK."

LIKE GEORGE BUSH HAD A MEAN STREAK.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

BUSH WOULD TRY TO BE COOL,BUT HE COULDN'T HELP HIMSELF.

HE'D START SHAKING.

YOU KNOW HE'D START SHAKING.

( stuttering )

DIDN'T HE ?

HE'D TRY TO START COOL BUT HE'DSTUTTER HIS WAY TO HIS HEART.

IT'S LIKE A PORKY PIG THING WITH HIM.

GEORGE, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO ABOUT HUSSEIN IN KUWAIT ?

SANCTION.

EMBARGO.

SHOOT HIM !

YOU KNOW HE WAS NEVER REALLY A DIPLOMAT, THAT BUSH.

WHEN HE WAS VICE PRESIDENTAND REAGAN WOULD BE TALKING,

IT WAS SO FUNNY CAUSE YOUCOULD CATCH BUSH SITTINGBEHIND REAGAN LOOKING AT HIM,

LIKE YOUR DOG LOOKS AT YOUR ANSWERING MACHINE WHEN YOUR VOICE IS COMING OUT.

HUH ?

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ?

WHAT THE HELL IS HE TALKING ABOUT ?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

CAUSE REAGAN COULD REALLY DRIVE YOU NUTS.

NO DISRESPECT, BUT HE COULD.

CAUSE HE'S PROBABLY THE ONLY HUMAN IN HISTORY THAT COULD SAY NOTHING

BUT SOUND LIKE HE SAID SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

YOU COULD SAY, MR. REAGAN, I HAVE A PHOTO OF YOU AND OLLIE NORTH

LOADING GUNS INTOA TRUNK OF A CAR.

THE AYATOLLAH KHOMEINIBEHIND THE WHEEL.

DO YOU WANT TO COMMENT ON THAT, SIR ?

REAGAN: "WELL,

"IF YOU TAKE A BICYCLE PUMP

"AND LEAVE IT OUTSIDE OVERNIGHT.

"NEXT QUESTION."

BECAUSE HE IS SINCERE IS JESSE JACKSON.

AND I ALWAYS WONDERDO PEOPLE THAT POWERFUL...

BUT THINK ABOUT IT,

IF YOU WERE THAT POWERFUL,

WOULD YOU HAVE CASUAL CONVERSATIONS,

AT ALL ?

SO JESSE DO YOU THINK YOU'D LIKE SOME DINNER ?

"I SAY THAT WE SET THAT APPARATUS IN MOTION.

"IT MADE GOOD JUDGMENT, BUT NOT ONLY THAT, IT MADE GOODSENSE TO HAVE A HARDY BREAKFAST.

"AND IT MADE GOOD JUDGMENT,BUT NOT ONLY THAT,

"IT'S STARTING TO MAKE GOOD SENSE TO HAVE A HARDY LUNCH."

WOW !

THIS IS--

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT WHERE I'M FROM AND WHAT THIS MEANS TO ME.

I'M FROM A LITTLE TOWNCALLED GRAND PRAIRIE, TEXAS.

PLEASE STAY SEATED.

I KNOW IT'S VERY EXCITING.

GRAND PRAIRIE.

THIS IS HOW I GREW UP.

OUR HIGH SCHOOL MASCOT WAS A GOFER.

LIKE MY SELF-ESTEEM WASN'TLOW ENOUGH IN HIGH SCHOOL.

WE HAD TO CHEER FOR A RODENT.

WHAT IS THAT ?

OUT THERE AT THE BIG GAMES.

WE'VE GOT SPIRIT YES WE DO,WE CAN BURROW, HOW ABOUT YOU ?

DON'T MESS WITH US.

WE'LL RIP UP YOUR GOLF COURSE.

WHENEVER I GO HOME, I LIKE TOLOOK AT MY HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK

CAUSE I LIKE TO LOOK AT THE PEOPLE THAT USED TO INTIMIDATE ME.

THAT'S THE BEST.

YOU LOOK THROUGH,IT'S LIKE WOW.

BETH, WAS THE HOMECOMING QUEEN.

NOW SHE'S THE TRAILER PARK QUEEN.

WHOO !

GO GOFERS !

IF YOU LOOK IN YOUR HIGH SCHOOLYEARBOOK IT'S SO GREAT,

CAUSE THE STUFF PEOPLE WROTE IN THERE,

VERY SINCERE.

I WANT TO LIKE CALL PEOPLE BASED ON WHAT THEY WROTE IN MY YEARBOOK.

LIKE I NEVER TALKED TO THEM SINCE, JUST CALL THEM UP,

HEY, SUSAN, WHAT'S GOING ON, THIS IS LAURA.

WHAT AM I DOING ?

STAYING SWEET JUST LIKE YOU SAID.

YEAH, THANKS FOR THE ADVICE.

IT IS REALLY WORKING OUT FOR ME.

HEY, SUSAN, I HAVE A QUESTION.

ARE YOU STILL WITH COREY TRAPPER MULLENS ?

NO.

OH.

SAYS HERE FOREVER.

THAT'S TOO BAD.

ALRIGHT.

I USED TO HAVE THIS JOB.

I'M NOT BRAGGING JUST TO LET YOU KNOW.

AND I USED TO TEACH--

I TAUGHT SEVENTH GRADE FOR THREE YEARS,

BEFORE I REALIZED I'M NOT A MORNING PERSON.

AND I HATE KIDS.

I JUST STARTED TOO YOUNG.

I STARTED AT TWENTY-THREELIKE RIGHT OUT OF COLLEGE,

WHICH IS WAY TOO YOUNG TO ENTER THE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM.

CAUSE I'M LIKE GOING IN HUNG OVER

AND LIKE TRYING TO HIDE HICKEYS.

THAT'S NO GOOD.

ALRIGHT, KIDS,OPEN YOUR BOOKS.

JUST A CURLING IRON BURN.

LET IT GO.

THE KIDS WOULD TEASE ME LIKE,

"MS. HOUSE, IS COTTON MOUTH A NOUN OR A VERB ?"

ONE THING THAT WAS KIND OF COOL IS LIKE I'M SHORT AND I LOOK YOUNG.

SO WHEN I WAS IN THE HALL A LOT OF KIDS I DIDN'T HAVE THEYJUST THOUGHT I WAS A STUDENT.

AND SO I WOULD BUST KIDSDOING STUFF ALL THE TIME.

THIS ONE GUYS HE COMES UP TO ME, HE'S TOTALLY CLUELESS.

HE GOES,

"HEY,

"YOU WANT TO GO GET HIGH ?"

I WAS LIKE THAT'S IT,WE'RE GOING TO THE OFFICE.

"I'M PRETTY SURE WE'LL GET CAUGHT.

SO I HAVE TO BE TOUGH SO I SAID.

LOOK, I'M A TEACHER AND I'MTAKING YOU TO THE OFFICE.

"YOU'RE ALREADY HIGH."

SHE WAS LIKE "LOOK, DON'TDRINK AND DON'T DO DRUGS AND DON'T SLEEP AROUND."

AND THEN ONE DAY IT'S LIKE SHE CHANGED HER MIND ABOUT EVERYTHING.

SHE SAID, "YOU'RE GOING TO COLLEGE."

SOME OF YA BEEN THERE, NICE ?

MY BROTHER WENT THREE OR FOUR OR TEN TIMES.

WE'RE VERY PROUD OF HIM.

IT'S NOT THAT HE'S DUMB OR ANYTHING.

HE GOES TO STRIP BARS A LOT

AND IT'S KIND OF WEIRD CAUSE

HE WON'T LIKE ADMIT TO IT ALL THE TIME.

WHICH IS STUPID.

WHATEVER YOU DO, BE PROUD OF IT.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO, ENJOY IT.

NOW I'M PREACHING.

YEAH.

AND ANOTHER THING.

NO JUST BE PROUD.

LIKE I WAS A STRIPPER IN RUSSIA.

YEAH.

IT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENTSTANDARD OVER THERE.

IT'S COOL CAUSE THEY PUTBREAD IN YOUR G STRING.

BEATS WAITING IN LINE.

I WILL SHAKE MY MONEY MAKERFOR THE RUBLES, DADDY.

WHOOO, YEAH !

YOU'RE THE CZAR.

YOU'RE THE CZAR.

♪ I FOUND YOU UNDERNEATH A ROCK ♪

♪ IN THE MIDDLE OF A HORRID SWAMP ♪

♪ CHEWING ON A RAT'S HEAD ♪

♪ I TOOK YOU HOME

♪ PUT YOU BY THE FIREPLACE ♪

♪ YOU ATE UP ALL THE SILVERWARE ♪

♪ BUT TRICKLED OUT YOUR NOSE ♪

♪ AHHHH

♪ AHHHH

♪ ON OUR WEDDING DAY

♪ YOU FRIGHTENED ALL THE GUESTS AWAY ♪

♪ BUT TEARING OFF YOUR BRIDAL GOWN ♪

♪ AND REVEALING WHAT WAS UNDERNEATH ♪

♪ I MADE OUR BED, WHICH YOU POURED ACID ON ♪

♪ YOU EAT A VERY LARGE COCOON ♪

♪ AND REPRODUCED A SEXUALLY ♪

♪ A SEXUALLY

♪ WHEN I STARE INTO YOUR RED EYES, I SEE TENDERNESS AND SURPRISE ♪

♪ YOUR ANTENNA, QUIVER WITH JOY ♪

♪ AND I FEEL ALL TENDER INSIDE ♪

♪ AND IF PEOPLE CALL ME A FOOL ♪

♪ IT'S BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW THAT ♪

♪ YOU AND ME COULD LIVE SO HAPPILY ♪

♪ WHAT TURNED YOU INTO SUCH A VEGETABLE ♪

♪ SENT FROM HELL

♪ NATURAL

♪ I DON'T CARE

♪ I DON'T CARE

♪ I DON'T CARE BECAUSE I LOVE YOU ♪

♪ I LOVE YOU

♪ I LOVE YOU

♪ I LOVE YOU

♪ I LOVE YOU

♪ I LOVE YOU

♪ I LOVE YOU

♪ I LOVE YOU

( applause )

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