The One with the Replacement Hosts

  • Season 2, Ep 1
  • 06/30/2015

Andy Daly, Cameron Esposito and Hampton Yount perform, and Abbi Jacobson and Ilana Glazer temporarily take over hosting duties for Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani.

Are you on the show tonight?

No, we're dropping in, man.You're just hanging out?

You're inside of the show.I like that.

Right, that's right.Yeah, you know.

All right, I'm gonna go writea bit that fits this outfit.

I have a question. I know youguys don't want to do anythingonstage...

so just feel free to say"no" to this.

We have an idea, where you guysjust go up as me and Jonah...

and just introduce the nextcomedians.

You wouldn't do any material,you'd just go up, pretendto be me and Jonah.

Would we like, no joke,put your shirts on?

You could put my shirt on,you could put his shirt on.

Dude, putting your pants on,too, would be really funny.

Putting your whole outfits on.Huh?

If you're willing to take yourclothes off, I'll do it.

Okay.

That mean we have to strip withall the cameras in here, too?

No, we just put their clotheson, on top of our clothes.

They're dudes.

I actually don't feelcomfortable continuingthe show...

without you guys havinga little bit to eat.

Is that-- would thatfeel good for you?

I just feel like, is there any--can anybody on the show--

If there's anything that youguys can find, like a cookie.

Just literally anything,if there's soup, just loosesoup poured in their hands.

Just whatever, okay, wait,what is that?

What do you guys have?Doughnuts.

Oh, doughnuts, okay,great, yeah, great.I'll just actually--

That's wonderful. There you go.

You get two of them.

If there's like an extra,I'll take it, you know, for--

Oh, you want to give me half?Great. Thank you.

Did you bite this?I did not.

Can you?Go for it!

You guys, I'm not gonnamake any promises to you.

I'm not gonna promisethat I'm gonna have a baby.

But I want you to know,that if I do...

at least, for oncein my goddamn life...

my period would not becompletely fucking uselessto me.

Yeah, because, you guys, I havenever had a pregnancy scare.

So it's never beena relief to get it.

And now when I said "period",there were possibly someof you...

that got a little weirded out,especially the gentlemen.

"Oh, disgusting!"

Well, I don't believe you'veever had an honest conversationwith a woman.

Yeah, because if you thinkperiods are disgusting...

you have no idea... howdisgusting periods actually are.

I wake up in the nightand I am bleeding a crime scene!

Into my bed!

And no one else is around,I gotta get up and process it.

I gotta take it, put itin plastic bags...

and send it to the lab and seewho did it, and it's always me!

I'm the victim and theperpetrator every time!

That's funny, that reminds meof one of my earliest cameos...

on the TNT seriesFranklin and Bash.

Do you know what?It was good.

I-- sometimes I likeFranklin more...

and then I go backand I'm all Bash!I'm telling you.

I'm all Bash, all day.Now.

You know, that was money for mycraft, and I appreciate it.

Speaking of money, thisis how I carry my stuff.

I just carry it like this in mypocket, because I'm like...

"Life is short and I wantto lose it all." I don't know.

I feel like it's feminine towrite in a-- like a journal,so I do loose paper.

Yeah. And never fold-- you can'tfold that shit nicely.

No, it's like garbage, garbage.No, crinkle it.

Got to get it crinkled.

You know what I love, is beingmarried to a smart, strongwoman.

Yeah.I love that.

I fucking love that.Me, too, man, I love my wife.

Me, too. I love it.

I want to fucking go home, andjust listen to her and then eather out all night.

Yeah, yes!Right?

The only reason I hateMeltdown...

is that I'm not fuckingmy dope wife right now.

At this height, that I am?Yeah.

It's a whole other point of viewof the world...

that you guys will neverunderstand.It's like a differentadventure.

As a more compact man--

No offense, but I feel likeI've just like become whole.You know what I mean?

You're supposed to be likeGaston, from like Beauty and theBeast...

which I didn't seewhen it came out, but um...

I saw it years later and waslike, "What?" Um...

I love you on Silicon Valley,man.

Thank you, thank you so much.

I'm not jealous at allthat you're on it.

That's what brotherly love is,you know?

But you're great, you're real--there's no denying it.

I am the funniest part.

I feel like so normal,it's eerie.

It doesn't look--

Yours doesn't look weird.

I felt perfect.

Look like-- absolutelylook like Kumail now.

It just looks like laundry day.Just like--

Don't-- I'm up here!

Don't go down there.

And everybody's putting theirdicks in everybody's face.

It's like, "Okay, nobody forcedyou to do it." You know whatI mean?

I'm getting very nervous. Ihaven't had an opportunity toreally process the character.

Oh, please, just gesture a lot,and... soak it in.The shoes are so funny.

Ahh...Ahh...

You now have low self-esteem.

So do you. Oh, no!

Hey, you guys, hey!

Whoo!

Back to our regular scheduledprogram.

Whoa!Meltdown.

Oh, man, I can see you guysall so clearly. It's great.

Oh, my god, Meltdown, whata staple in my life, you know?

You know what I was justthinking about?

I miss Hawaii... where I'm from.

I feel you.Yeah, I just miss it.

As a Pakistani American,I understand.

I mean, I guess Hawaii isAmerican, but like, I feel likemy story is more American.

Did you know, I used to playpunk slash rock?

Oh, my god, I do, becausewe are good, old friends.

Did you give them thisinformation?No.

(electronic music)

- Please everybody welcome Hampton Yount.

(applause)

- Woah, wait no.

Way less, you're wrong.

(audience laughs)

Hi, my name is Hampton Yount.

It's the dumbest name I've ever heard

(audience laughs)

So how do you think I feel living with that

every day of my life?

My name is Hampton Parker Yount.

Whitest, it's the second whitest name I've ever found.

The first whitest name is Mitt Romney.

(audience laughs)

Then Hampton Parker Yount then Benedict Cumberbatch.

(audience laughs)

And we're the holy triumvirate,

we just hang around together

we just do white guyshit together you know,

pollute lakes,

(audience laughs)

take land from people you know,

Mitt Romney will grab a girls throat

and he'll go too hard it was weird

(audience laughs)

me and Eggs Benedict,

that's what I call Benedict Cumberbatch

we have to pull him off,

we're like no, no, no!

(audience laughs)

This is my group.

It's what I do.

This is such a weird set (laughs)

I don't know how to get comfortable.

There have to be people who have their birthday on 9/11

for whatever it's worth.

And of that group of people,

there has to be at least one guy who got up that day

and had no idea what wasgoing on and his friend

calls him and his friend's like, "Oh my God

do you know what's happening today?"

He's like, "yes."

(audience laughs)

So,

it's the end of that joke, I don't have anymore,

I will not write anymore.

But I think it's a good palettecleanser for the beginning.

So there's no god

and I was thinking about that the other day, how that sucks.

(audience laughs)

I was raised really catholic and I didn't masturbate

'til I was 19 'cause I thought the minute you masturbate

you go to hell.

Like a trap door goes under you (screams)

you just fall down.

So I remember the nightI became an atheist,

which is me at night just like rock hard erection

just like (grunts),

it's probably bullshit (groans).

(audience laughs)

Then, that's how it all happened man.

It's how it happened.

I just don't think you should force,

like you can believe whatever you want

just don't force it on anybody.

Like, a week ago somebody put under my windshield wiper,

not gonna say who, puta picture of a dead baby

underneath my windshield wiper.

It was like a Christian group.

I was like, okay I don't need coffee now.

(audience laughs)

It was an anti-abortionI think, I didn't check.

That would be weird if that was a pro-abortion pamphlet.

(audience laughs)

Like hey dead baby, what do you think?

Interested?

Want to try?

(audience laughs)

It was an anti-abortionpamphlet I think

and I didn't read, like the cover just made me laugh

before I threw it off my car and it said

abortions kill three lives every second!

And I say it like that because it had like

five exclamation points and a bunch of frowny faces

like mu-ah you get it.

And I was like, I remember always hearing that fact

a person is born every second.

Are you saying without abortion,

four people would be born every second?

Thank god for abortion!

(audience laughs)

that's the greatest pro-argument for abortion

I've ever heard.

I fucking hate people.

(audience laughs)

I just feel bad for abortion doctors now, don't you.

Like having to keep up with that crazy work load.

I feel like it's like in I Love Lucy

where she's in the chocolate factory like

(audience laughs)

Woah these babies!

What a silly place.

(audience laughs)

No one would get anabortion there (laughs)

Hi (laughs)

I was raised with like abstinence as my only sex education,

I don't think that's a good idea.

I think that's why I'm fucked up.

I think that's why I'm screwed up.

You know what I mean like, the idea behind it is like,

kids can't get pregnant of they're not having sex.

Yes, much like in the way you could cure diarrhea

by spackling your asshole shut with wet cement.

(audience laughs)

It's like hey man, how's that diarrhea treating you?

You know what, it's all taken care of.

(audience laughs)

My insides are on fire and I'm crying a brown liquid,

but none of that pesky diarrhea.

(audience laughs)

So feel pretty good,what I'm trying to say.

It's weird what people want to pass on to their kids.

It kind of fascinates me.

My dad cut up my dick when I was a baby.

It wasn't recent, it's when he did it.

It's when you caught me old man,

you caught me when I was a baby,

I was weak, couldn't fight back.

(audience laughs)

It's when you came at my dick.

You try that shit now,

you try and cut up mydick now old man, uh-uh.

(audience laughs)

It ain't working out like that.

You've taken too many slices from the deli sir.

(audience laughs)

No, on-guard, how dare you.

(audience laughs)

I think it is so funny that we still circumcise babies.

For the same reason like every dad has the same reason

like, "I want his penisto look like mine".

That's the most serial killer shit I've ever heard

in my entire life

is like, "make that baby's penis

look like my adult male penis!

(audience laughs)

Why don't more things look like my weird dick?"

You vain, vain man.

(audience laughs)

Pun intendo.

(audience laughs)

I've sometime had people like it's cleaner, it's cleaner.

What lazy parent is justlike, "oh you know what,

just cut it off.

I don't want to be cleaning this kid's dick every

every morning, noon, and night.

He's just gonna get mud and twigs and sticks on it.

Cut off his dick, cut off a part of his penis."

I think sometimes how I would raise my kids,

if any woman were toever let me cum inside,

(audience laughs)

but if I were to have a kid, how would I raise my kids?

I've come to the conclusionthat I would raise them Jewish.

Like really Jewish, like super Jewish,

like orthodox Jew, just every day,

he's gotta wear the hat,he's gotta wear the cape

and the curls.

Every day I'm like, "get up, you gotta be Jewish today.

You gotta go to temple!"

And like drop him off, "Learn Hebrew, learn Hebrew!"

Everyday for years and years until he's about the age

of eight or nine, and he's like, "Dad, why am I Jewish,

and you're not Jewish?"

And I'll be like, "CauseI think it's funny!"

(audience laughs)

And he's like, "Well I don't want to do that.

I don't want to be Jewish if you're not

gonna be Jewish.

I don't want to have to do this

if you're not gonna be Jewish."

And then I get to go,

"boy you Jews really love to complain."

(audience laughs)

Which is just a fun jokeabout indoctrination.

I was told this was a Palestinian audience, is it?

(audience laughs)

Is it going well?

(audience laughs)

I think I would believe in the Greek and Roman gods,

if I had a choice.

I grew up reading about those stories.

It always made a lot of sense to me.

The Greek and Roman gods were all related to each other,

and they would just fuck each other,

and fuck over each other andhave weird murder revenge plots

and turn into animals and fuck each other.

They were just like if rednecksfucked the justice league,

and people prayed to them.

(audience laughs)

Like that was real, that was their shit.

But then you think ofthe Judeo-Christian God,

whenever something bad happens in your life,

what do they always tell you.

They're always like, "he's got a plan, he's got a plan."

God's like JasonStatham, he's got a plan

and you can't see it, and you got questions

and you're like, "what about starvation in Africa?"

He's like, "I've got a fucking plan,

it's all part of the plan."

(audience laughs)

I think the Greek and Roman gods make

so much more sense whenbad things are happening

in your life, right?

You're wife cheats on you with your best friend,

takes the kids, takes every dime you've ever made.

Your like, "what god would allow this?"

It's like Zues, Zues would totally allow that!

(audience laughs)

He thinks it's funny.

You'd never have these huge metaphysical questions like,

"what god would allow war?"

The god of war.

(audience laughs)

The war god, he's the one.

I was raised in the Catholic church,

and they're really anti-gay in my small town

of like 6 thousand people.

Not the most progressivetown in the world.

And, I'm sweating so much, real comedy (laughs).

(audience laughs)

But it's funny whenever the Catholic church comes out

against gay people,

they always use the same couple arguments.

And the big one they always have is,

"it says you can't lay with another man!

It says that, it's in there!"

Yeah, but that doesn't say no butt fucking.

(audience laughs)

I hate to be a realstickler for the rules,

Lincoln lawyer, I object.

(audience laughs)

But that doesn'tsay no butt sex.

What if god justdoesn't want you to have

like a loving, caring relationship with another man

and lay down with him.

What if god is just intorough trade gay sex,

that's it.

(audience laughs)

That's all he's into, like the standing 69

that two guys can do where they're like

blowing each other and they're just like,

"is this okay god?"

And god's like, "yeah, yeah, yeah (groans)

galaxy, stars, nebulus."

(audience laughs)

That's how it all happened man.

(audience laughs)

You guys are super fun,thank you very much

have a great night.

(applause)

Take care of yourselves.

- Hampton Yount everybody.

(cheers)

(upbeat rock music)