Daniel Tosh takes on everyone from couples who can't conceive and parents of sick children to hoarders, marathoners, his own detractors and even his fans.
It is great to be here inAmerica
The greatest countryin the world...
if you haven'ttraveled a lot.
Do we have to constantly screamwe're number one?
It's alwaysthe people that live
in the most boring partsof this country
that scream the loudest.
People in Kansas, "We're thegreatest country in the world."
It's like,do you guys have Internet there?
You ever seena photo of Fiji?
I've never been to Fiji,but I've seen photos.
It looks pretty amazing.
It's hard to thinkwe're better than that.
We're top ten.
Maybe if we startedscreaming that every day,
maybe terroristswould stop trying
to saw our heads off.
"We're top ten."
And they'd be like,"That's fair."
"It was that number one stuffthat was getting old."
America's basically turnedinto one of these factories
where we justhave a sign up like,
"It's been 22 dayssince our last horrible thing."
Then it's like, "Oop,all right, rip it down.
We're back at zero again."
These thingsjust keep happening,
you know, whetherit's Ferguson or Baltimore.
I can solve racist cops.
That's an easy fix.
But nobody comes to mefor the answers.
You want to get ridof that forever?
How about this?
Only black peopleshould be allowed to be cops.
Boom, problem solved.
And if any of youhave issue with this,
it's because you're racist.
"Well,what about white people?"
White peoplecan be firefighters.
We're more outdoorsy.It makes sense.
White people, firefighters.Black people, cops.
Who wants ticketsto the softball game now?
Yeah, it's gonna getpretty tense.
Might want to put ina mercy rule.
Would you like me to fix
all the environmental problemson the planet?
I can do it.The solution's simple.
You won't help.That's the real problem.
Stop having kids.
[cheers and applause]
You hear that?That's not enough support.
That's why we haveto contaminate the water.
Because most of youare not on board yet.
But that's allthat has to happen.
Just stop having kids
and then we can havethe greatest party
for the next 60 to 70 years
just pissing throughall the natural resources.
It would be amazing.
But what happens?Some of you, you get fed up.
You're like,"Uh, I hate my life.
[laughs]"Look, it looks like me."
That's what I thinkof your families...
China has the right idea.
They're the smartest peopleon the planet.
If they thinkboys are more important
and two should be the cap,good enough for me.
We have a TV showin our country
called "19 and Counting."
That show should be called"Wrecked Pussy."
Shocking that one of those kidsturned out to be a bad egg.
You mean you can'tkeep your eye on 19 children?
You can't be a good parentto three kids.
Do you knowhow I know that?
Because my parentshad four.
What are you gonna dowhen one of them asks,
"Who do you love more?"
"I love you all the same."
"Oh, really,a 19-way tie?
[bleep] you, Mom."
And you deservethat kind of language.
You can't sella 19-way tie to anyone.
You're gonna have to be honestwith those kids.
Like, "All right,let's see.
"One of you's a predator,so you're out.
"Not even surethese three are mine anymore.
"No idea why the ginger'sstaring at me.
"You have no shot.
"What, you think I enjoy dunkingyou in a tub of sun block
"just to bring you outside,you mutant?
"What is your X-Men powerbesides killing every boner
in every roomyou walk into?"
I tease, redheads.
You're just as prettyas prettier people.
The reason so many peoplein this country
you don't hear alot about thecharity work I do
and it's becauseI don't do any.
You know what's betterthan tax write-offs?
Keeping your money.
That's just a fun joketo tell rich people.
It's not true.
I work with Make-A-Wishall the time.
That's an incredibleexperience,
uh, for me,not the kids that are dying.
Yeah, they choseto hang out with me.
They knewwhat kind of jokes I told.
They were okay with it.
I don't pander onstage,
and I certainly don'tpander offstage.
And I'm telling you honestly,these dying kids
have the best sense of humoron this planet.
Their parents,not so much,
but I don't care.
As soon as I meet them,I start giving it to them.
Like, "Are you sureyou're dying?
You knowthis is my weekend, right?"
And they're like,"I'm dying."
I'm like,"All right, let's go.
Don't cough on me,mother[bleep]."
They want to be teasedlike anybody else.
They can handle it.
Trust me, they've handleda lot worse.
This kid I was hanging out withlast year a bunch was 17.
I'm like, "This is awesomethat you're dying now.
You got this inright under the wire."
If you don't know,the organization
is 18 and under.
So if you're dying of cancerat 19, they're like...
[blows raspberry]"Hope your dreams are cheap."
If you're laughingright now,
it's becauseyou're a good person
and you realize how absurdthat statement is,
to thinkthat they draw a hard line,
but it's funny to thinkthey might be
holding their doors shut.
"You can't get in, kid.You're too old."
And they don't evenhave to hold tight
because they kidsare so weak
because the diseaseis winning.
Don't feel badfor this kid.
The first thing he saidwhen he met me was--
he told meI was his third choice.
And to this day,I don't know
if he was [bleep] kiddingor not.
That's not cool.I'm healthy.
I'm gonna livea long time.
I don't need thatnoodling around up there.
And if it makes you feelany better
laughing at these jokes,know that he is cured
and healthy now.
He's not.He's dead.
I blame Hollywood for ruiningevery relationship
that I've ever been in.
What you don't realizeis how negatively
they affectyour relationships.
Everyone's awareof the liberal media bias
in the news,but what about the way
they portray couplesin every sitcom,
where there's a dumb husbandchasing his wife around
the whole episode like,"I want to have sex,"
and she's never in the mood?
They just hammerthat stereotype home
that men alwayswant to have sex
and women never do.
Let's get thisout of the way right now.
Women want to have sexway more often than men.
[cheers and applause]
I assure you, ladies,this is not the perspective
you're going to enjoy.
I don't know if you're newto my comedy or not.
I havea very gender-specific slant
that I ride pretty hard.
Because the reality is,
whether you wantto admit it or not,
no man's everloved you more
or been more physicallyattracted to you
than he was the first timehe had sex with you.
And from that moment,it goes down.
Okay, now, don't look at himright now
and make the eveninguncomfortable.
"Is that true?"
And then he has to be like...
"No.I'm pretty sure he's queer.
I don't carewhat he says."
It's true100% of the time.
How fast it divesis case by case.
It doesn't have to falloff a cliff immediately.
We've all been therewhen it does.
Can you be happily marriedfor 50 years?
Of course you can,but know that for him,
every time you have sex,it's going down a notch.
Men die ten years earlier
because we [bleep] want to.
Don't make himfeel inadequate.
Don't challenge his drive.
"I'm with the only guyin the world
that doesn't wantto have sex all the time."
Uh, no, you're not.
When I'm in a relationship,
I can go two to three weekswithout thinking about sex.
When I'm single,I need to masturbate
twice a daybefore I step outside,
or I willsexually assault someone.
Don't put stickerson your car.
Despite what you thinkthey say,
know they read,"I'm poor."
No one careswho you cheer for
or what you believe in.
Just drive a little faster.
And God forbidif you lost a loved one
and you think the best wayto memorialize him
is by turningyour Honda Civic
into a moving tribute.
Because the only thingthat makes me want to do
is T-bone you
so you and Junebugcan finally be together again.
Like my morning commuteisn't depressing enough?
Now I'm stuck behind youand your word problem,
trying to figure outhow old this shithead was
in the first place.
There's not enoughinformation.
I got to pull upnext to you.
"Was he a Geminiby chance?
"15, too soon.
Speed it up.Some of us aren't dead."
Don't text and drive.It's the law.
Yeah, way to fast-trackthe big issues in this country.
Do you know whatyou are allowed to do?
Write a letter longhandwhile driving.
I would argue just as dangerous,if not more.
Do I have to be a martyrfor this issue?
I'll do it.
Get on the freeway,like, "Dear Grandma,
It's been a while."
"Winter is coming."
Have you seen the campaignto stop texting and driving
where they show youreal final texts?
They're like,"Was it worth it?"
I don't know.
Were you trying to get laidat 3:00 in the morning?
I'm not gonna judge you.Maybe it was.
Maybe you finally had sexwith that one person
you've been chasingyour entire life
and you can't waitto text your buddy.
"You're never gonna believewho I..."
and then boom.
Congratulations.You went out on top.
Yeah, I promise youlife wasn't gonna get better
after that moment.
Best-case scenario,six months from now,
you're sending her texts.
"Yeah, Thai food's fine.Whatever."
You can't text and drive,but you can have
a three-course Taco Bell mealin your lap
at 2:00 in the morning?
Everyone knowsyou're drunk as shit.
You ought to be arrestedas soon as you place the order.
[cheers and applause]
If you've ever convinced yourman
to go to a Halloween partyor a costume party
of any sortsand he's dressed up,
know that he'scheated on you.
Now, what you dowith that information
is up to you.
It's just a theoryI'm working on,
but I thinkit's foolproof.
Because this is howthis conversation should go
if you'rein a relationship
with a manwho's never cheated on you.
"Hey, honey, next week,we're going to go to this
funny Christmas sweater party."
"Nope, no, I'm not.I'm an adult.
"I'm gonna stay homeand watch TV
and then go to bed."
That's what a man saysthat has never cheated on you.
A manthat's cheated on you goes,
"Oh, I owe her.
"Yeah, that sounds fun.
I only like this jokebecause I know
there's a guy in hereright now going,
"What the fuckwas that about?
You know who you are.
You are notsupposed to be here.
I love Mexicans.
I love Mexican food,
but next timeI'm in your restaurant,
please don'tcome up to my table and ask
if I would like to startwith the house-made guacamole.
You know good goddamn wellI want that guacamole.
Let's just bring it out.
I make that kind of money now.
What's upsetting to meis when my entrée comes
with a free side of guacamolestaring me in the face,
teaching me a costly lessonin patience.
That's too much guacamole.
What kind of Ponzi schemeare you Mexicans up to?
This joke is stupid.I don't care.
What happenedin the last ten years
in this countrywhere we've become so obsessed
"Is there gonna beguacamole there?"
"Honey, get dressed.It's avocado season."
This joke doesn't workin Canada
because they've never heardof Mexicans.
Canada has the greatest fenceever built...
It is foolproofif you can afford it.
Really easy to be the cool,open-minded, hippie country
when there'sa Kevlar Snuggie of America
draped around your fat,frozen asses,
daring the worldto talk shit.
"We don't useour military."
Uh, we know.We got you taken care of.
Go back to bed.
We'll wake youwhen the NHL play-offs start.