Daniel Tosh: People Pleaser

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 04/17/2016

Daniel Tosh takes on everyone from couples who can't conceive and parents of sick children to hoarders, marathoners, his own detractors and even his fans.

It is great to be here inAmerica

Oh, yeah.

The greatest countryin the world...

if you haven'ttraveled a lot.

Do we have to constantly screamwe're number one?

It's alwaysthe people that live

in the most boring partsof this country

that scream the loudest.

People in Kansas, "We're thegreatest country in the world."

It's like,do you guys have Internet there?

You ever seena photo of Fiji?

I've never been to Fiji,but I've seen photos.

It looks pretty amazing.

It's hard to thinkwe're better than that.

We're top ten.

Maybe if we startedscreaming that every day,

maybe terroristswould stop trying

to saw our heads off.

"We're top ten."

And they'd be like,"That's fair."

"It was that number one stuffthat was getting old."

America's basically turnedinto one of these factories

where we justhave a sign up like,

"It's been 22 dayssince our last horrible thing."

Then it's like, "Oop,all right, rip it down.

We're back at zero again."

These thingsjust keep happening,

you know, whetherit's Ferguson or Baltimore.

I can solve racist cops.

That's an easy fix.

But nobody comes to mefor the answers.

You want to get ridof that forever?

How about this?

Only black peopleshould be allowed to be cops.

Boom, problem solved.

And if any of youhave issue with this,

it's because you're racist.

"Well,what about white people?"

White peoplecan be firefighters.

We're more outdoorsy.It makes sense.

White people, firefighters.Black people, cops.

Who wants ticketsto the softball game now?

Yeah, it's gonna getpretty tense.

Might want to put ina mercy rule.

Would you like me to fix

all the environmental problemson the planet?

I can do it.The solution's simple.

You won't help.That's the real problem.

Stop having kids.

[cheers and applause]

You hear that?That's not enough support.

That's why we haveto contaminate the water.

Because most of youare not on board yet.

But that's allthat has to happen.

Just stop having kids

and then we can havethe greatest party

for the next 60 to 70 years

just pissing throughall the natural resources.

It would be amazing.

But what happens?Some of you, you get fed up.

You're like,"Uh, I hate my life.

You try."[sputtering]

[laughs]"Look, it looks like me."

Selfish.

That's what I thinkof your families...

selfish.

China has the right idea.

They're the smartest peopleon the planet.

If they thinkboys are more important

and two should be the cap,good enough for me.

We have a TV showin our country

called "19 and Counting."

That show should be called"Wrecked Pussy."

Shocking that one of those kidsturned out to be a bad egg.

You mean you can'tkeep your eye on 19 children?

You can't be a good parentto three kids.

Do you knowhow I know that?

Because my parentshad four.

What are you gonna dowhen one of them asks,

"Who do you love more?"

"I love you all the same."

"Oh, really,a 19-way tie?

[bleep] you, Mom."

And you deservethat kind of language.

You can't sella 19-way tie to anyone.

You're gonna have to be honestwith those kids.

Like, "All right,let's see.

"One of you's a predator,so you're out.

"Not even surethese three are mine anymore.

"No idea why the ginger'sstaring at me.

"You have no shot.

"What, you think I enjoy dunkingyou in a tub of sun block

"just to bring you outside,you mutant?

"What is your X-Men powerbesides killing every boner

in every roomyou walk into?"

I tease, redheads.

You're just as prettyas prettier people.

The reason so many peoplein this country

you don't hear alot about thecharity work I do

and it's becauseI don't do any.

You know what's betterthan tax write-offs?

Keeping your money.

That's just a fun joketo tell rich people.

It's not true.

I work with Make-A-Wishall the time.

That's an incredibleexperience,

uh, for me,not the kids that are dying.

Yeah, they choseto hang out with me.

They knewwhat kind of jokes I told.

They were okay with it.

I don't pander onstage,

and I certainly don'tpander offstage.

And I'm telling you honestly,these dying kids

have the best sense of humoron this planet.

Their parents,not so much,

but I don't care.

As soon as I meet them,I start giving it to them.

Like, "Are you sureyou're dying?

You knowthis is my weekend, right?"

And they're like,"I'm dying."

I'm like,"All right, let's go.

Don't cough on me,mother[bleep]."

They want to be teasedlike anybody else.

They can handle it.

Trust me, they've handleda lot worse.

This kid I was hanging out withlast year a bunch was 17.

I'm like, "This is awesomethat you're dying now.

You got this inright under the wire."

If you don't know,the organization

is 18 and under.

So if you're dying of cancerat 19, they're like...

[blows raspberry]"Hope your dreams are cheap."

If you're laughingright now,

it's becauseyou're a good person

and you realize how absurdthat statement is,

to thinkthat they draw a hard line,

but it's funny to thinkthey might be

holding their doors shut.

"You can't get in, kid.You're too old."

And they don't evenhave to hold tight

because they kidsare so weak

because the diseaseis winning.

Don't feel badfor this kid.

The first thing he saidwhen he met me was--

he told meI was his third choice.

And to this day,I don't know

if he was [bleep] kiddingor not.

That's not cool.I'm healthy.

I'm gonna livea long time.

I don't need thatnoodling around up there.

And if it makes you feelany better

laughing at these jokes,know that he is cured

and healthy now.

He's not.He's dead.

I blame Hollywood for ruiningevery relationship

that I've ever been in.

What you don't realizeis how negatively

they affectyour relationships.

Everyone's awareof the liberal media bias

in the news,but what about the way

they portray couplesin every sitcom,

where there's a dumb husbandchasing his wife around

the whole episode like,"I want to have sex,"

and she's never in the mood?

They just hammerthat stereotype home

that men alwayswant to have sex

and women never do.

Let's get thisout of the way right now.

Women want to have sexway more often than men.

[cheers and applause]

I assure you, ladies,this is not the perspective

you're going to enjoy.

I don't know if you're newto my comedy or not.

I havea very gender-specific slant

that I ride pretty hard.

Because the reality is,

whether you wantto admit it or not,

no man's everloved you more

or been more physicallyattracted to you

than he was the first timehe had sex with you.

And from that moment,it goes down.

Okay, now, don't look at himright now

and make the eveninguncomfortable.

"Is that true?"

And then he has to be like...

"No.I'm pretty sure he's queer.

I don't carewhat he says."

It's true100% of the time.

How fast it divesis case by case.

It doesn't have to falloff a cliff immediately.

We've all been therewhen it does.

Can you be happily marriedfor 50 years?

Of course you can,but know that for him,

every time you have sex,it's going down a notch.

Men die ten years earlier

because we [bleep] want to.

Don't make himfeel inadequate.

Don't challenge his drive.

"I'm with the only guyin the world

that doesn't wantto have sex all the time."

Uh, no, you're not.

When I'm in a relationship,

I can go two to three weekswithout thinking about sex.

When I'm single,I need to masturbate

twice a daybefore I step outside,

or I willsexually assault someone.

Don't put stickerson your car.

Despite what you thinkthey say,

know they read,"I'm poor."

No one careswho you cheer for

or what you believe in.

Just drive a little faster.

And God forbidif you lost a loved one

and you think the best wayto memorialize him

is by turningyour Honda Civic

into a moving tribute.

Don't.

Because the only thingthat makes me want to do

is T-bone you

so you and Junebugcan finally be together again.

Like my morning commuteisn't depressing enough?

Now I'm stuck behind youand your word problem,

trying to figure outhow old this shithead was

in the first place.

There's not enoughinformation.

I got to pull upnext to you.

"Was he a Geminiby chance?

"15, too soon.

Speed it up.Some of us aren't dead."

Don't text and drive.It's the law.

Yeah, way to fast-trackthe big issues in this country.

Do you know whatyou are allowed to do?

Write a letter longhandwhile driving.

Completely legal.

I would argue just as dangerous,if not more.

Do I have to be a martyrfor this issue?

I'll do it.

Get on the freeway,like, "Dear Grandma,

It's been a while."

"Winter is coming."

Have you seen the campaignto stop texting and driving

where they show youreal final texts?

"Be right..."

They're like,"Was it worth it?"

I don't know.

Were you trying to get laidat 3:00 in the morning?

I'm not gonna judge you.Maybe it was.

Maybe you finally had sexwith that one person

you've been chasingyour entire life

and you can't waitto text your buddy.

"You're never gonna believewho I..."

and then boom.

Congratulations.You went out on top.

Yeah, I promise youlife wasn't gonna get better

after that moment.

Best-case scenario,six months from now,

you're sending her texts.

"Yeah, Thai food's fine.Whatever."

You can't text and drive,but you can have

a three-course Taco Bell mealin your lap

at 2:00 in the morning?

Everyone knowsyou're drunk as shit.

You ought to be arrestedas soon as you place the order.

[cheers and applause]

If you've ever convinced yourman

to go to a Halloween partyor a costume party

of any sortsand he's dressed up,

know that he'scheated on you.

You're welcome.

Now, what you dowith that information

is up to you.

It's just a theoryI'm working on,

but I thinkit's foolproof.

Because this is howthis conversation should go

if you'rein a relationship

with a manwho's never cheated on you.

"Hey, honey, next week,we're going to go to this

funny Christmas sweater party."

"Fuck that.""What?"

"Nope, no, I'm not.I'm an adult.

"I'm gonna stay homeand watch TV

and then go to bed."

That's what a man saysthat has never cheated on you.

A manthat's cheated on you goes,

"Oh, I owe her.

"Yeah, that sounds fun.

Let's go."

I only like this jokebecause I know

there's a guy in hereright now going,

"What the fuckwas that about?

Mexicans?

You know who you are.

You are notsupposed to be here.

I love Mexicans.

I love Mexican food,

but next timeI'm in your restaurant,

please don'tcome up to my table and ask

if I would like to startwith the house-made guacamole.

You know good goddamn wellI want that guacamole.

Let's just bring it out.

I make that kind of money now.

What's upsetting to meis when my entrée comes

with a free side of guacamolestaring me in the face,

teaching me a costly lessonin patience.

That's too much guacamole.

What kind of Ponzi schemeare you Mexicans up to?

This joke is stupid.I don't care.

What happenedin the last ten years

in this countrywhere we've become so obsessed

with guacamole?

"Is there gonna beguacamole there?"

"Honey, get dressed.It's avocado season."

This joke doesn't workin Canada

because they've never heardof Mexicans.

Canada has the greatest fenceever built...

America.

It is foolproofif you can afford it.

Really easy to be the cool,open-minded, hippie country

when there'sa Kevlar Snuggie of America

draped around your fat,frozen asses,

daring the worldto talk shit.

"We don't useour military."

Uh, we know.We got you taken care of.

Go back to bed.

We'll wake youwhen the NHL play-offs start.