TODAY'S TOPIC IS

GO...

O-O-O-O-O-O...

O-O-O-O-O-O...

O-O-O-O-O-OALS.

GOALS.WE ALL HAVE GOALS, DON'T WE?

- I WANT TO BE A REAL BOY.

- I WANT TO BE PRESIDENTOF UNITED STATES.

- [whispering indistinctly]

- DOUG WANTS TO STAB THINGS.

- ALL ADMIRABLE DREAMS.

HOWEVER, SINCE THE ADVENTOF NUVASOUL,

MANY PEOPLE ARE TAKINGA SHORTCUT TO SUCCESS...

[cell phone vibrating]

BY SELLING THEIR SOULS,LIKE DUSTIN HERE.

- I'M SIX MINUTES LATEFOR MY INTERVIEW WITH SEACREST.

CAN WE SPEED THIS UP?

- "INTERVIEW," RIGHT.

- YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERETILL YOUR SOUL CONTRACT

IS SIGNEDBY A LEGAL GUARDIAN.

THEM'S THE RULES.

- BUT MY PARENTS GAVE ME UP.I'M AN ORPHAN.

- MAYBE YOUR PARENTS SHOULD HAVEAPPRECIATED THE MIRACLE

OF HAVING A BABYWITH A PENIS!

[all gasp]

- HMM,KIND OF LOOKS LIKE

WE TAPPED INTO SOMETHING THERE.

- I WANTED A BOY, BUT VERACOULD NEVER STICK THE LANDING.

AFTER PUMPING OUT 15 GIRLS,

SHE FINALLY GAVE UPAND DITCHED ME

FOR "THE COUNT,"HER NEW VAMPIRE HUSBAND.

- I ALWAYS WANTEDA BUNCH OF SISTERS.

YOU KNOW,HELP ME WITH MY BANGS.

- I THINK YOU TWO MIGHT BE ABLETO HELP EACH OTHER.

- SO YOU'RE SAYING THATMY STRONG DESIRE FOR A SON...

- AND MY LEGAL NEEDFOR A PARENT...

both:ARE SOMEHOW RELATED?

- EXACTLY.EVERYONE WINS.

AH!

[groaning]

OKAY, I HAVE TO GOTO THE HOSPITAL NOW.

- THAT'S WHAT YOU GETFOR EATING IN THE COMMISSARY.

- OKAY, DO YOU NEED WATER?

ARE YOU COMFORTABLE?

DO YOU NEED A PILLOW?THEY HAVE PILLOWS HERE.

CAN SOMEBODYGET ME A PILLOW, PLEASE?

- AS YOUR NUVASOUL SALES REP,

WE APPRECIATE YOUSTICKING WITH NUVASOUL

AND NOT THOSE CRAPPY KNOCKOFFSLIKE SOULVITRA.

HERE, TAKE SOME FREE PENS.

- LEONARD, IS THATA NUVASOUL WINDBREAKER?

- YEAH, I DO SOME PHARM REPWORK ON THE SIDE.

I OWE A LOT OF BAD PEOPLEA LOT OF FILTHY MONEY.

- PEDDLING NUVASOUL?

I HATE TO SAY THIS,BUT I'M DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.

- WHAT?

OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.THIS IS TOTALLY BENEATH ME.

THERE'S GOT TO BE A BETTER WAYFOR ME TO EARN CASH ON THE SIDE.

THANKS, MARK.YOU'VE SET ME STRAIGHT.

- OW, HELPING HURTS.

- OKAY, OKAY.SQUEEZE MY HAND.

WE'RE ALMOST THERE.WHAT WAS THAT?

WHO DO I HAVE TO [bleep]TO GET A DOCTOR AROUND HERE?

- THAT WOULD BE ME.

- EH.

DAD, I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

- YOU SAW THE NEWS.I'M A HAS-BEEN.

BARTENDER, SCHLITZ.

- DADDY, WE'RE IN YOUR OFFICE.

THERE'S NO BARTENDER HERE.

- AH, JUST KILL ME NOW.LITERALLY.

THERE'S A DAGGEROVER THERE IN THE CREDENZA.

- YOU CAN'T GIVE UP.

YOU'RE ONE BIG SOUL DEAL AWAYFROM BEING BACK ON TOP.

- SAVE YOUR BREATH, KITTEN.

FOR ME TO SAVEMAGGOTBONE INDUSTRIES,

I'D HAVE TO LAND--

- THE BIGGEST SOULYOU'VE EVER SEEN?

- RANDALL,WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- OH, NOTHING, JUST SAVINGYOUR DAD'S BIG FAT RED ASS.

FOR A CUT OF THE PROFITS,OF COURSE.

- AH![chuckles]

- AFTER YEARS OF GOOD DEEDS,

YOUR SOUL SWELLEDTO SUCH A MASSIVE SIZE

THAT IT STARTED CRUSHINGYOUR LIVER,

WHICH WE HAD TO REMOVE,BY THE WAY.

- SO WHAT'S THE CURE?

- WELL, WE CAN START YOUON A STRICT REGIMEN

OF BEINGA COMPLETE ASS[bleep].

OR YOU COULD ALWAYS UNLOAD ITON THE SOUL MARKET.

- SO WHAT'LL IT BE, THEN?

WEALTH?POWER?

DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT ASKINGFOR A MILLION WISHES,

BECAUSE THAT'STOTAL BULL[bleep].

- I'M NOT GIVING UP MY SOUL,

NO MATTER HOW BLOATING IT IS.

- WE CAN GIVE YOU EVERYTHINGYOU'VE EVER WANTED, MARK.

AND YOU WON'T HAVE TO WORRY

ABOUT ANYUNSIGHTLY STRETCH MARKS.

- MY SOUL IS STAYINGRIGHT WHERE IT BELONGS,

BETWEEN MY NAVELAND MY LOWER INTESTINE.

IT'S CALLED THE POOCH.

- AND THAT'S WHERE I GETTHE INSPIRATION FOR MY SONGS:

PUPPIES, PEOPLE'S MOMS.

- TELL US MOREABOUT YOUR BANGS!

- YOUR DAUGHTERSARE REALLY CUTE, FRANCIS.

I WISH THEY COULDCOME WITH US ON THE ROAD.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?IT'S A DONE DEAL.

WE'RE A FAMILY BAND NOW.

I'M ON BASS.

VERA PLAYS THE SKINS.

SURI, SAX.

ZAHARA, KEYS.

SHILOH, YOU'RE LEAD GUITAR,BANGING IT OUT.

MOON UNIT, RHYTHM GUITAR.

THE REST OF YOU ARE BACKUP.

- WHAT ABOUT ME?

I'M IN THE FAMILY TOO.

- OH, RIGHT,WHY WOULD I WANT TO FORGET

MY EX-WIFE'S NEW HUSBAND?

I GUESS YOU CAN BETHE MANAGER.

NOW, COME ON, GANG.WE'VE GOT SOME REHEARSING TO DO.

EVERYONE GETIN THE [bleep] GARAGE!

[laughs]OUT OF SIGHT.

SO MARK WHAT DO YOU SAY?

- I WANT ALL OF THIS.

I TRULY DO.

BUT I WANT TO ACHIEVE ITON MY OWN.

I DON'T WANT TO TAKEA SHORTCUT TO SUCCESS.

- [groans]

- ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE,IT'S A BUST.

SHUT IT DOWN.SHUT IT ALL DOWN.

- WHOA!

- MARK MY WORDS, LILLY.

I WILL GETTHAT SOUL OF YOURS

ONE WAY OR ANOTH--

AH!

- HI-YAH!

- DADDY!

- LEONARD?

- COME WITH ME IF YOU WANTTO KEEP YOUR SOUL.

- WHAT--WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

- WE'RE GONNACRACK SOME SKULLS.

[grunting]

OOPS, SORRY ABOUT THAT.

YEAH!

- HUH?

LEONARD, WHERE ARE WE?

- MY SAFE HOUSEIN LITTLE CHECHNYA.

HERE, HAVE A MAN'S BREAKFAST.

- WHY WOULD I WANTTO DRINK VODKA

AT 8:00 IN THE MORNING?

- TO ANESTHETIZE YOURSELF.

I REALIZE NOWTHE ONLY WAY TO PROTECT YOU

IS FOR US TO SWITCH FACES.

I'M NICOLAS CAGE.YOU'RE JOHN TRAVOLTA.

AND--WAIT. NO.I CALL TRAVOLTA.

[cell phone rings]

- WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW?

- WE COULD HAVE DONE THISTHE EASY WAY, MARK.

NOW, YOU GIVE US YOUR SOUL,

OR I PUT A SHELLIN YOUR ROOMMATE'S NOGGIN.

- THIS IS BRILLIANT.HE'LL TOTALLY FALL FOR THIS.

- NO, I'M REALLY GOINGTO SPLATTER YOUR SKULL

ALL OVER THAT WALL.

- OH, MY GOD, MARK!

I DON'T WANT TO DIE.

- [groans]

DR. FEELGOOD'SWELLNESS CLINIC,

TOMORROW MORNING.

- YOUR TURN.

- YOU CALL THATA DANCE ROUTINE?

I'M SEEING THE POPPING,BUT WHERE'S THE LOCKING?

DO I HAVE TO DOEVERYTHING MYSELF?

MOON UNIT,WHERE'S THAT TAMBOURINE?

[tambourine rattles]

FIVE, SIX, SEVEN.

♪ AND UH AND UH-UH

♪ UH-UH-UH, UH-UH

♪ UH-UH,HA-HA, HUH-HUH ♪

♪ UH-UH, UH-UH,AND UH AND UH-UH ♪

♪ UH-UH-UH, UH-UH

GROOVETASTIC.

NOW, THAT IS HOW YOU DO IT.

- DAMN!

I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS.I QUIT.

- FINE, GO!WE DON'T NEED YOU.

RUMER, YOU'RE UP.WHERE THE HELL IS RUMER?

- PEOPLE ARE DRIVENBY SURVIVAL.

WE'LL DO ANYTHING WE CANTO GET BY.

ONLY WHEN WE FEEL SAFE

DO WE START CONSIDERINGTHE THINGS WE WANT.

- 'SUP, GIRLS?

[girls screaming]

- ♪ I SEE YOU LOOKIN'IN MY DIRECTION ♪

♪ WANT TO GET UP CLOSE AND DOA FEDERAL BREAST INSPECTION ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WHEN YOU STARTTO DO YOUR THANG ♪

♪ UH, UH

♪ I'M GONNA HIT YOUWITH A-- ♪

- BANG!

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOUSELL YOUR SOUL TO BE A POP STAR

WITHOUT GETTINGPARENTAL CONSENT.