Monday, August 17, 2015

  • 08/17/2015

Bridey Elliott, Jessica St. Clair and Lennon Parham hand out #RealTeenAwards, discover the next dance craze and critique a man's attempt to join a goat herd.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'SINTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S

RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE)"TIME" MAGAZINE POSTED ITS

ANNUAL LIST OF THE BESTPLACES TO LIVE IN AMERICA

AND THE TOP OF THE LIST ISSTOCKTON, CALIFORNIA.

I'M KIDDING.

IT'S APEX, NORTH CAROLINA.

FOR THE 10th STRAIGHT YEARTHE WORST PLACE TO LIVE IN

AMERICA IS INSIDE JOSE CANSECO'SCAMPER VAN.

JOSE'S CAMPER VAN: IF YOULIVED HERE YOU'D HAVE

SCABIES BY NOW.

APEX WON BECAUSE IT HAS GOTGREAT SCHOOLS AND COMMUNITY

SPIRIT.

BUT COMEDIANS, WHAT ARE SOMEOTHER LESSER KNOWN

ATTRIBUTES THAT MAKE IT THEBEST PLACE TO LIVE IN

AMERICA.

>> LENNON.

>> THE DENTISTS DON'T GIVE A[BLEEP] IF YOU FLOSS.

>> YEAH.

>> Chris: WHAT A WORLD THATWOULD BE.

WHAT A WORLD.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK'S CLASSICTHRILLER, "THE BIRDS," IMAGINED

A WORLD WHERE BIRDS STOPPEDTHEIR PEACEFUL COEXISTENCE

WITH HUMANS AND BEGAN ANUNRELENTING KAMIKAZE ASSAULT.

TECHNICALLY, THAT'S ALSO THEPLOT OF "BIRDEMIC."

HITCHCOCK'S MASTERPIECE HASNOTHING ON THIS CHILLING

VIDEO THOUGH.

>> YOU'RE NOT TAKING MY PEN.

STANLEY.

JET, YELL AT HIM, JET.

>> Chris: SURE HAS BEENWEIRD SINCE GLORIA DIED.

(LAUGHTER)GLORIA WAS MY IGUANA. I HAD

SEX WITH HER.

(LAUGHTER)OR THIS EXPLAINS WHY GEORGE

R.R. MARTIN HASN'T FINISHEDTHE NEXT "GAME OF THRONES" BOOK.

COMEDIANS, WHAT WAS THISGERIATRIC DR. DOOLITTLE

TRYING TO WRITE?

LENNON?

>> A LETTER TO THE PARROTEUTHANSIA BOARD.

>> Chris: THE ENTIRE BOARD?

>> LENNON IS VERY DARKTONIGHT.

>> KEEP IT DEATH-FOUSD. I'MGOING WITH DEATH ALL NIGHT LONG

BECAUSE IT KILLS. IT KILLS.

>> IT KILLS.

>> Chris: THERE'S TROUBLEBREWING IN THE CLICKBAIT

CONFETTI KNOWN AS BUZZFEED.

THE COMPANY C.E.O. IS REPORTEDLYTRYING TO TALK EMPLOYEES OUT OF

UNIONIZING. BUZZFEED'S CLICKENJOYMENT OFFICER,

JONAH PERETTI TOLD FELLOWBUZZ PALS AT A RECENT BUZZ EVENT

THAT UNIONS QUOTE "WOULDN'T BEVERY GOOD FOR EMPLOYEES."

SOME OF THEIR FULL-TIME WRITERSALREADY HAVE BENEFITS AND

SOME DON'T, BUT ALL OF THEMWANT IT.

NOW BUZZFEED WOULD REALLY BEIN TROUBLE IF CATS OR THE

'90s DECIDED TO UNIONIZE.

BUT IT'S FINE, THEY'RE NOTAT THE MOMENT.

SO COMEDIANS, AS ONE OF THEBUZZPLOYEES WHO DOESN'T

HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE, WHATIS A BUZZFEED HEADLINE YOU

MIGHT WANT TO WRITE? JESSICA.

>> 15 PLACES I'M BLEEDING OUT OFRIGHT NOW.

>> Chris: YES, PONTS, POINTS.

BRIDEY.

>> THE TOP TWO EYES I CAN'TSEE OUT OF.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

LENNON PARHAM.

>> ARE YOU A DOCTOR?

TAKE THIS QUIZ OR WHATEVER,JUST HELP ME.

>> Chris: YEAH.

POINTS.

POINTS.

IT IS NOW

TIME FOR THE EVENING#HASHTAGWARS.

I MEAN I ASSUME YOU GUYSRECOVERED AFTER LAST NIGHT'S

TEEN CHOICE AWARDS AND ALL.

ALL THE STARS WERE THERE,JADE THIRLWELL, EVA GUTOWSKI,

PLEASE HOLD YOUR APPLAUSEUNTIL I'M DONE.

A GUY WHO MADE A VINE THATONE TIME.

THE PRESTIGIOUS CEREMONYINCLUDED CATEGORIES SUCH AS

CHOICE TWIT AND A LIFETIMEACHIEVEMENT AWARD FOR

BRITNEY SPEARS BECAUSE GOSH,SHE REALLY NEEDS THIS RIGHT

NOW.

BUT I THINK IT'S TIME WESTART GIVING AWAY AWARDS TO

ACCURATELY REFLECT TEENACHIEVEMENT.

SO TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#REALTEENAWARDS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: FEWESTBOOBS TOUCHED.

OR ITCHIEST BACNE ORBREAKOUT SHOWER DICK.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDSON THE CLOCK AND BEGIN.

BRIDEY.

>> MOST VISIBLE TAMPONSTRING IN GYMNASTICS.

(LAUGHTER)>> YOU JUST WANT TO PULL IT.

>> OR SHOVE IT BACK IN IT.

>> Chris: LENNON.

>> NASTIEST RUMOR ABOUT KELSEYLYDEN.

>> OH MY GOD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT SHEDID.

>> Chris: JESSICA.

>> MOST INCONVENIENTERECTION.

>> Chris: POINTS.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

>> YOU SAID YOU WERE ROCKHARD AT THE TOP OF THIS

SHOW.

I'M ASSUMING IT'S STILL THATWAY.

>> Chris: THERE IS NOT ACONVENIENT TIME FOR ME RIGHT

NOW!

CALL ME LATER.

BRIDEY.

>> DRIEST HUMP.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)>> Chris: LENNON.

>> SICKEST CARGO SHORTS.

>> Chris: YEAH, BRO.

POINTS.

BRIDEY.

>> MOST FRICTIONY HAND JOB.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JESSICA.

>> LEAST BELIEVABLE CANADIANBOYFRIEND AT CAMP.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

BRIDEY.

>> WORDIEST PORN SEARCH.

>> Chris: POINTS, JESSICA.

>> MOST LIKELY TO GET FINGERBLASTED AT WARPED TOUR.

THAT WAS ME.

>> Chris: THAT WITH YOU?

>> I DON'T LIKE TO BRAG.

(LAUGHTER)JK, NOBODY WANTED TO DO

THAT TO ME.

>> Chris: I GOT FINGERED ATSO MANY 311 SONGS THAT YEAR.

I GOT FINGERED 311 TIMESDURING 311.

>> THAT'S TOO MANY TIMES,CHRIS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY DUNCE LIKENOBODY'S WATCHING.

(APPLAUSE)THE NAE NAE IS THE INTERNET

DANCE CRAZE DU JOUR BLOWINGUP THE VINES AND THE GRAMS

AND THE WHATNOTS.

I REALLY DON'T WANT TO BETHE BEARER OF BAD NEWS HERE

BUT I MUST PRONOUNCE THE NAENAE DEAD.

>> NO!

>> Chris: YES, LET IT GO!

YES!

>> MY TWO-YEAR-OLD JUSTLEARNED IT.

MY TWO-YEAR-OLD--I DIDN'TKNOW WHAT THE NAE NAE WAS--

>> Chris: LENNON, I'M SOSORRY, ARE YOU OKAY, I

DIDN'T MEAN TO SHATTERYOUR --

>> IT'S OKAY.

>> Chris: I KNOW.

WELL, LISTEN, IT'S SIMPLYBECAUSE LOCAL NEWS TEAMS

HAVE GOTTEN THEIR DESPERATESELF-TANNER-SOAKED HANDS ON IT

AND IT'S NOT PRETTY.

WATCH.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

>> WATCH ME.

IT FEELS VERY AWKWARDDOESN'T IT.

>> Chris: MY EYES!

SO MUCH WHITENESS. IT IS THEDANCE EQUIVALENT OF A MASON JAR

WRAPPED IN A NORTH FACEJACKET IN THE MOSH PIT OF A

HOOBASTANK CONCERT.

(APPLAUSE)I THINK I'M HEMORRHAGING.

BECAUSE THESE [BLEEP]MONSTERS HAVE RUINED A

PERFECTLY GOOD DANCE CRAZE.

WE NEED A NEW ONE.

SO I WILL SHOW YOU ANINTERNET DANCER. FOR 250

POINTS, I WANT YOU TO NAMETHEIR DANCE, ALL RIGHT?

FIRST UP, THIS MIDDLE-AGEDBOOZE ENJOYER.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: WHAT'S THAT CALLED?

BRIDEY.

>> THAT IS A TRADITIONALIRISH FUNERAL DANCE

I KNOW VERY WELL, VERY CLOSETO MY HEART, ACTUALLY.

>> Chris: NEXT UP THESESURPRISINGLY SINGLE FURRIES.

♪ IF YOU LIKED IT, THEN YOUSHOULD HAVE PUT A LEASH ON IT.

♪♪

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: SOMETIMES MY JOB

IS REALLY HARD.

(LAUGHTER)SOMETIMES IT'S HARD.

>> I THOUGHT THAT, SEE THEFOX, I THOUGHT THOUGH WERE

HIS BALLS, DID YOU SEE THAT?

AND I WAS LIKE THAT IS SOMELOW HANGING FRUIT.

BUT HIS PENIS WOULD HAVEBEEN COMING OUT THE

WRONG SIDE.

>> Chris: I THOUGHT YOUTHOUGHT THIS.

I'M LIKE -->> I WAS SO CONFUSED.

>> Chris: WHOSE STEAMROLLEDBALLS HAVE YOU BEEN LOOKING AT?

BRIDEY.

>> AT HOME AND PERSONAL WITHYOUR MIDDLE SCHOOL TEACHERS.

>> THAT IS DARK.

>> Chris: NEXT UP, FROMPERFORMANCE ARTIST MELATI

SURYODARMO, THE INTRIGUING PIECEENTITLED "BUTTERDANCE."

>> YES.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: LENNON.

>> THE "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'SNOT ART."

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)>> Chris: YES.

JESSICA.

>> HOW ABOUT "THE PAULA DEENLEAN"?

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

>> Chris: BRIDEY.

>> THE MARGARINE-A.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS. NEXTUP. FROM OUR PALS AT

EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE, IT'SDUANE.

>> DUANE.

♪ (LAUGHTER)

>> YES.

THAT WAS YOU.

IS THIS YOU?

AS A CHILD?

>> WAIT, YOU HAVE A FULLERECTION, SIR, I'M NOT

INTERESTED.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> I'M NOT INTERESTED.

>> Chris: I'M TOO CAUGHT UPIN THE PASSION OF THE DANCE.

>> I'M NOT INTERESTED.

>> AS LONG AS YOU STAY ONTHAT SIDE OF THE PODIUM.

>> YEAH.

>> Chris: LENNON?

>> NO, NOBODY WANTS IT.

MAKING ENDS MEET AFTER "HOMEIMPROVEMENT" WAS CANCELLED?

>> Chris: YES!

(APPLAUSE)BRIDEY.

>> DRENCHED IN PUSSY.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> IT IS THE WAY SHELINGERED ON THAT WORD.

>> HOW DO YOU SAY "DRENCHED INPUSSY"?

>> Chris: COMO SE VA-- HOWDO YOU SAY "DRENCHED IN PUSSY"?

IS LIKE A PUSSY DRENCH.

I AM-- I AM-- THE PUSSY ISSO MUCH I'M DRENCHED.

LIKE GRAVY.

>> SO MANY JUICES.

>> Chris: LIKE I WENT OUT INA PUSSY STORM AND OH NO!

I FORGOT MY UMBRELLA!

>> I SWIMMING IN IT.

>> Chris: SO MUCH.

>> I SWIMMING IN IT.

>> Chris: SWIMMING!

THROUGH A PUSSY RIVER!

(APPLAUSE)>> Chris: FINALLY THESE FIT

AUSSIES.

>> OKAY, FIVE, SIX, SEVENAND DUCK, TWO, THREE, FOUR,

FIVE, SIX, SEVEN.

DUCK, TWO, THREE, FOUR, ANDSHAKE IT UP.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: YEAH, YOU CAN'T

PLAY IN THE GAME IF YOULEAVE YOUR TOILET BRUSH AT

HOME, SHEILA!

THIS DOESN'T COUNT.

JESSICA.

>> BIDET MATE

>> Chris: YES, OH SO GOOD.

OH MY GOD.

JESSICA!

>> THANK YOU.

>> Chris: YOU GOT TO RETIREAFTER THAT.

THAT WAS AMAZING.

>> SEE YOU LATER.

THAT'S IT.

SEE YOU LATER.

BEFORE THE BREAK I TOLD YOUABOUT A GUY WHO TOOK A

VACATION AS A GOAT AND IASKED TO YOU BECOME A GOAT

AND THEN GIVE HIM A GOAT JOBREVIEW.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU WROTE.

LENNON, LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> HEEYY.

>> YES, YES.

>> YES.

>> THE NEW GOAT IS JUST SOMEASSHOLE DRESSED LIKE A GOAT,

UNLIKE ME JEFF-- I MEANBILLY, BILLY.

>> Chris: YES, WELL DONE.

WELL DONE.

BRIDEY.

>> I CAN'T SHAKE THE FEELINGTHAT THIS NEW GOAT IS A SAD

GUY.

NO GOAT I'VE EVER SEENMUTTERS ABOUT HIS

ALL-SANDWICH DIET AND HISLIFE FALLING APART.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

JESSICA ST. CLAIR.

>> STRANGELY THE NEW GOATSEEMED MORE INTERESTED IN

EATING THE STUFF THAT ISINSIDE THE CANS RATHER THAN

THE CANS THEMSELVES.

>> Chris: YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME,LADIES NIGHT.

EXCLAMATION POINT.

>> YEAH.

(APPLAUSE)>> Chris: AS YOU MAY HAVE

NOTICED THE PANEL TONIGHT ISALL FEMALE AND I DID WANT TO

POINT OUT, THAT IN COMEDY,THERE IS THIS REALLY WEIRD

PHENOMENON THAT WHEN ACOMEDY, WHEN A STAND-UP

COMEDY SHOW IS ALL FEMALE,THEY GIVE IT TERRIBLE NAMES.

TERRIBLE, LIKE JUST TO LETYOU KNOW IT'S AN ALL-FEMALE

COMEDY SHOW.

USUALLY PRETTY DERISIVE AND[BLEEP] AND HORRIBLE.

YOU GUYS PERFORM ALL OVERTHE COUNTRY.

YOU HAVE PROBABLY BEEN TOCOMEDY CLUBS THAT HAVE THESE

HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE, CRINGEY LADIES NIGHT NAMES LIKE

"CHICKS AND GIGGLES" OR"LAUGHIA MAJORA" OR "ONE IN THE

PINK MINIMUM, TWO IN THEDRINK MINIMUM."

YOU KNOW WHAT'S ANOTHER TERM FORFUNNY FEMALE COMEDIANS?

"FUNNY COMEDIANS."

BUT THESE CLUBS COULDN'TPOSSIBLY HOST AN ALL-FEMALE

LINE-UP AND NOT REFERENCEWHITE WINE AND VULVA PARTS,

SO COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOUTO COME UP WITH AS MANY TERRIBLE

NAMES AS YOU CAN FOR CHEESYCOMEDY CLUB LADIES NIGHTS.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

BRIDEY.

>> [BLEEP] ON MY BITS.

>> Chris: POINTS. LENNON.

>> EAT, PRAY, LAUGH.

>> Chris: POINTS.

LENNON.

>> MUCH ADO ABOUT MUFFIN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> JESSICA.

>> DIAPHRAGM BAM THANK YOUMA'AM.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BRIDEY.

>> GIGGLE TILL YOU SQUIRT.

>> Chris: LENNON.

>> AT YOUR CERVIX.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JESSICA.

>> JESTROGEN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

LENNON.

>> DOES THE COMEDY MATCH THEDRAPES?

>> Chris: POINTS. JESSICA.

>> GLEE BAGGING.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

>> GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVEPUN.

>> Chris: YES, PERFECT.