The Stalking Dead

  • Season 2, Ep 204
  • 04/11/2012

Lady Hoo-Ha, America's most adored pop star, goes zombie, and her many devoted fans follow suit.

- I DIVE INTO THE INFINITE LIGHTOF SELF-CREATION.

[baby whimpers]

BEYOND DEATH, MY VOICEEMBRACES THE UNIVERSE'S SONG.

[zombies moaning]

[pop music]

- A GREAT MAN ONCE SAID,

"WE HAVE NOTHING TO FEARBUT FEAR ITSELF."

ANOTHER SAID, "TO CONQUER FEARIS THE BEGINNING OF WISDOM."

PROBLEM IS...

- OW!

- I DON'T THINK THEY HAD AS MUCHTO BE AFRAID OF AS WE DO.

[drum solo]

- UGH!CUT! CUT!

- I AM SO SORRY,LADY HOO HA.

WE'LL GET THOSE SEWN BACK ONRIGHT AWAY.

- [scoffs] NO, IDIOT.THAT'S MY BIG FINALE.

WHERE'S YOUR SENSEOF SHOWMANSHIP?

- UGH, I WISH I WORKEDFOR ZOMBIE BEYONCE.

CARL, I'VE ASKED MY ROOMMATERANDALL TO COME BY

AND HELP US ACCLIMATE YOUTO LIFE AS A ZOMBIE AMERICAN.

RANDALL HAS BEEN "Z"FOR WELL OVER A YEAR NOW.

I THINK YOU COULD LEARNA LOT FROM HIM.

- HE SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT GUY.

I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET HIM...

[stammering]FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE.

- WHAT AN ODD THING TO SAY.

- OKAY, WHERE'S THE FIRE?

I BET LEONARD I COULD JERK OFF30 TIMES IN ONE DAY,

AND I WAS JUST ABOUT TO WIN--TWICE.

- UH, RANDALL, I'D LIKETO INTRODUCE YOU TO CARL.

CARL IS A NEW ZOMBIEWHO COULD USE A MENTOR.

- HI, THERE.I'M CARL.

MARK HAS TOLD ME SO MUCHABOUT YOU.

- I HAVE?

- YOU LOOK KIND OF FAMILIAR.

OH, BRAINEATERS ANONYMOUS,RIGHT?

YOU'RE THAT DUDE THAT'S ALWAYS,UH, CRYIN' LIKE A LITTLE BITCH?

- THAT REALLY DEFEATSTHE PURPOSE

OF "ANONYMOUS," RANDALL,

BUT CARL JUST WENT "Z"THIS WEEK.

THERE'S NO WAYYOU COULD HAVE MET HIM.

- DUDE, I NEED THIS HANDTO DO HORRIBLE THINGS, REMEMBER?

- CARL, PLEASE LET GOOF HIS HAND.

- SO, UH, RANDALL,YOU WANT TO GRAB A BITE TO EAT?

IT'S ON ME.

OR IT CAN BE ME.J/K.

[laughs]

JUST TRYING OUTSOME NEW ZOMBIE JOKES.

[sighs]

- YEAH, WELL, DON'T EVERDO THAT AGAIN.

- SORRY, CARL.NO TIME TO DILLYDALLY.

WE NEED TO FIND YOU A NEW JOBTHAT'S ZOMBIE-APPROPRIATE.

- YEAH, I CAN HOOK HIM UPWITH THE PERFECT JOB.

I KNOW A GUY.

BUT FIRST, IF I COULD KINDLYBORROW SOMEBODY'S HAND LOTION,

I WOULD PREFER NOT TO DOA KANSAS CITY DRY RUB.

COME ON, THE CLOCK'S TICKING,PEOPLE.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

- ♪ WHEN THE TRUTH IS FOUND

♪ TO BE LIES

DAMN IT!

CARL, I'M TELLING YOU, MAN,

THERE IS NO POINTIN PLAYING THIS

IF YOU CAN'T PULL YOUR WEIGHTON THE DRUMS.

- I'M SORRY, MARK,IT'S JUST A LITTLE DIFFICULT

WITH THIS--[chuckles]THE ONE ARM AND ALL.

- I DON'T HEAR THE GUYFROM DEF LEPPARD COMPLAINING.

- I'M SORRY, RANDALL.I WON'T MESS UP AGAIN.

- SEE THAT YOU DON'T.

- MAYBE I SHOULDPOP IN A MOVIE.

- DO YOU HAVE MUST LOVE DOGS?

- OH, JEEZ, DO I HAVE

THE BEST JOHN CUSACKROMANTIC COMEDY EVER MADE?

I GUESS IT KIND OF DEPENDSON IF YOU WANT TO SEE IT

ON BLURAY, DVD, OR LASERDISC,BRO.

YOU TELL ME.

YOU TELL ME IF I HAVE MUST LOVE DOGS.

- YOU LIKE THAT CRAP TOO?

- PFFT, FOR MY MONEY,NOTHING BEATS CUSACK,

EXCEPT MAYBE TYLER PERRY.

- WAIT.

YOU ARE ALSO A PERRYHEAD?

- OH, JESUS.HERE WE GO.

- OF COURSE!

HE'S THE ONLY PERSONIN SHOWBIZ WHO IS...

both: ABLE TO SEAMLESSLY BLENDCOMEDY AND MELODRAMA

WHILE ACCURATELYAND RESPECTFULLY PORTRAYING

THE BLACK EXPERIENCEIN CONTEMPORARY AMERICA!

- YES!- HMM...

- OH, MAN.THANKS FOR HANGIN' OUT, MARK.

I HAD A LOT OF FUN TODAY.

- ME TOO, CARL.

WE HAVE WAY MORE IN COMMONTHAN I EXPECTED.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, THANKSFOR RECOMMENDING SERENDIPITY.

DON'T KNOW HOW THAT ONESLIPPED BY ME.

HEY, THANKS FOR LETTING CARLHANG OUT HERE TODAY.

HE'S HAVING A TOUGH GOADJUSTING TO ZOMBIEHOOD.

- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

- IS THERE SOMETHINGON YOUR MIND?

- I DON'T LIKE THIS "CARL."

THERE'S SOMETHING OFFABOUT HIM.

- OH, COME ON.HE'S HARMLESS.

A LITTLE AWKWARD, MAYBE,BUT IMPECCABLE TASTE IN MOVIES--

- I'M JUST SAYING, WHAT DO YOUREALLY KNOW ABOUT THIS GUY?

YOU CAN'T TRUST ZOMBIES,MARK.

TRUST ME ON THAT ONE.TRUST ME.

[cell phone ringing]- YELLO.

- MARK,YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE

WHO I'M FRIENDS WITH NOW--LADY HOO HA.

WE'RE IN HER TOUR BUSRIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT.

YOU SHOULD JOIN THE FUN.

- WHERE ARE YOU?

- PARKED ON THE CORNER.HURRY ON DOWN.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE A HOOKAH PARTY.HAMBURGER.

- OKAY.

- I TASTE ALMONDS.

[button beeps]

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TO HANG OUT WITH CARLAND HIS STUPID NAME?

- I'M GONNA GOCHECK ON GRIMES.

I'M PRETTY SUREHE'S HAVING A STROKE.

BUT SINCE YOU ASKED,

YES, CARL AND I ARE MEETINGLATER FOR FROYO.

- CARL'S CREEPY, MARK.

AND THAT'S COMING FROM A GUY

WHO JERKED OFF 60 TIMESTO WIN A BET.

- ♪ CAUGHT ME BY SURPRISEBUT I FOUND A FRIEND IN YOU ♪

HEY SUDOKU IS BORING AS S--T.

WHAT IS IT,A PUNISHMENT IN CHINA

FOR GOOGLING THE WORD"FREEDOM"?

WHEN IS MARK GETTING HOME?

- HOW ABOUT NEVER?

- CARL,WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- I AM THE RIGHTFUL HEIR

TO YOUR CURRENT--NOW PAST ROOMMATE'S BEDROOM.

- OH, OKAY, RIGHT.

BUT, UH,HERE'S THE THING.

WHAT THE [bleep]ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- I'M TALKING ABOUT SAYINGGOOD-BYE TO MARK LILLY

AND HELLOTO YOUR NEW ROOMMATE...

ME!

"AWESOME GUY

"LOOKING TO SHAREUPSCALE APARTMENT.

NO KIDS, PETS,OR ACTRESSES."

- MY OLD CRAIGSLIST ADFOR THE APARTMENT.

I KNEW YOU LOOKED FAMILIAR.

[harp strumming]

- AND FOR TURNOFF,I'D HAVE TO SAY,

PEOPLE WHOWON'T BE MY FRIEND.

- BELIEVE IT OR NOT,

THAT'S THE LEAST CREEPY ANSWERSO FAR.

WRITE YOUR NUMBERON THE SIGN-IN SHEET,

AND I'LL BE IN TOUCH.

- I WAITED WEEKSFOR THAT CALL,

EVEN PUTTING A HOLDON MY PROMISING ACTING CAREER.

THE SECOND I MET YOU,

I KNEW YOU WERE THE BEST FRIENDI NEVER HAD.

- YOU MEAN,THE ONLY FRIEND?

- YOU WERE COOL, LAID-BACK,CONFIDENT,

EVERYTHING I WASN'T.

WHEN I FOUND OUTYOU RENTED THE ROOM

TO SOMEONE ELSE,

I WAS DEVASTATED.

I VOWED TO FIND OUTWHAT HE HAD THAT I DIDN'T.

I SPENT A YEARSPYING ON MARK LILLY,

DISCOVERING HIS TERRIBLE TASTEIN ENTERTAINMENT,

HIS AFFINITY FOR BOWLING,

EVEN HIS INEXPLICABLE LOVEOF EGGS.

WHAT IS THAT?

WHEN THE ZOMBIE CRAZE HIT,

I FINALLY HAD AN EXCUSETO GET INTO MARK'S CLASS.

I USED THE INFORMATIONI HAD GATHERED

TO GAIN HIS TRUST,

SO I COULD LURE HIMTO HIS DEATH.

- WAIT.YOU KILLED HIM?

- RANDALL,DON'T YOU DESERVE A ROOMMATE

WHO WOULD KILL FOR YOU?

- WELL, NOW THAT YOU PUT ITTHAT WAY...

WELL, HOW'S YOUR CREDIT?

- FREEZE, DIRTBAG!

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