CC Presents: Chelsea Handler

  • Season 11, Ep 13
  • 03/08/2007

Chelsea Handler doesn't drink to make herself seem more fun. She drinks to make you seem more fun.

- [CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE] - THANK YOU!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THAT'S A VERY WARM WELCOME.

I HAVE BEEN HEREFOR A TOTAL OF SIX HOURS

AND I'VE ALREADY BEEN REAR-ENDED.

I DIDN'T REPORT IT 'CAUSE IT HAPPENED IN MY HOTEL ROOM.

AFTER THAT I STARTEDTHINKING ABOUT STARTINGA FAMILY AND DECIDED

I DON'T [BLEEP] WANT ONE. I WANT TO GET MY TUBES TIED.

I DON'T WANT TO DO IT PERMANENTLY,

I DON'T KNOW IF THEY CAN DO A SLIPKNOT OR SOMETHING.

I JUST DON'T THINK IT'S OKAY FOR ANYBODY TO HAVE A BABY...

- BRITNEY SPEARS. OKAY?- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T THINK THAT'S OKAY.

HAVING A BABY IS A HUGE RESPONSIBILITY.

IT'S LIKE A 5-YEAR COMMITMENT,AND YOU NEED TO BE READY FOR IT.

- [LAUGHTER] - OKAY.

I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE WHO HAVE BABIES AND ACT LIKE THEY DID SOMETHING

THE REST OF US CAN'T FIGURE OUT. ANYBODY CAN HAVE ONE, OKAY?

I COULD HAVE HAD THREE IF I HAD GONE THROUGH WITH ANY OF MY PREGNANCIES.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU. THAT'S RIGHT.

I DON'T LIKE PEOPLEWHO HAVE BABIES AND THENBITCH AND MOAN ABOUT IT.

MY BABY WEIGHT, MY BABY WEIGHT, I CAN'T LOSE MY BABY WEIGHT.

YOUR BABY'S [BLEEP] SEVEN.

OKAY, YOU'RE A FAT ASS NOW.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

PUT DOWN THAT TACO, OKAY?

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT BABY ANYMORE.

I DON'T LIKE PEOPLEWHO HAVE BABIES AND THENSTART TALKING IN MONTHS.

YOU KNOW, MY BABY'S 48 MONTHS, YOU MEAN FOUR, ASS-[BLEEP]?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- IS THAT WHAT YOU MEAN? - I'M NOT 216 MONTHS. I'M 31.

- PLEASE STOP TALKING LIKE THAT. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

A LOT OF CELEBRITIES ARE HAVING BABIES.

ANGELINA JOLIE AND BRAD SCHMITT HAD THEIR LITTLE BABY

IN NAMBAMBIA, OR WHATEVER THE HELL THAT TOWN IS.

SO, TECHNICALLY, THAT BABY IS AFRICAN AMERICAN EVERYBODY.

THAT'S RIGHT. QUESTION, DO YOU THINK SHE'LL TALK LOUD IN MOVIE THEATERS?

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I HOPE SHE DOESN'T AXE HER PARENTS TOO MANY QUESTIONS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DO YOU EVER WONDERWHY THAT LITTLE ESKIMO,MADDOX, NEVER SMILES?

DOESN'T HE LOOK PISSED OFF ALL THE TIME?

I USED TO THINK HE WAS JUST BURNT OUT ON TRAVEL.

AND THEN I THOUGHT-- YOU KNOW WHAT HIS PROBLEM IS?

HE'S SO PISSED OFF 'CAUSE HE PROBABLY THOUGHT

HE WAS LIKE SCORINGTHE BIGGEST DEAL OF HIS LIFETIME

GETTING ADOPTED BY THIS FAMOUS MOVIE STAR WHO WAS GONNA RESCUE HIM

FROM HIS THIRD WORLD CAMBODIA.

ONLY TO FIND OUT SHE'S GONNA TAKE HIM TO EVERY OTHER [BLEEP]

THIRD-WORLD COUNTRY IN THE WORLD.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

HE'S PROBABLY LIKE,WHEN THE [BLEEP] ARE WEGONNA GET TO MALIBU...

LIKE, YOU PROMISED?

I WANT TO KNOW WHO DECIDED COFFEE WAS A DATE.

WE CAN'T EVEN GET A MEAL AND [BLEEP] ANYMORE LADIES.

I MEAN, REALLY. WHAT IS A FRAPPUCCINOGONNA LEAD TO?

WHAT, A PIGGYBACK RIDE?

I LIKE TO GO OUT FOR A COCKTAIL, LIKE SEVEN IN A ROW, OKAY?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S LIKE, SPARE ME, JUST SPARE ME.

I WENT OUT WITH A GUYTHE OTHER NIGHT HE GOES,

"YOU KNOW CHELSEA, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRINK TO MAKE YOURSELF

MORE FUN TO BE AROUND." [LAUGHS]

I'M LIKE, "LISTEN [BLEEP] NUT--

I'M DRINKING SO THAT YOU'RE MORE FUN TO BE AROUND."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

SPICE IT UP BITCH. QUICKL OKAY?

THE PROBLEM WITH MEN IN L.A. IS EVERYBODY'S ALL THERAPIED-OUT.

YOU KNOW THEY HAVE ONE HARD NIGHT OF DRINKING

AND THEY WANT TO THROW IN THE TOWEL AND JOIN AA.

IT'S LIKE, GOD, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO AN AA MEETING?

NO WONDER THESE PEOPLE ARE ALCOHOLICS,

I'VE NEVER NEEDED A DRINK MORE BADLY IN MY LIFE.

I WENT ONE TIME. IT WASN'T VOLUNTARY. IT WAS PRETTY MUCH

COURT-ORDERED,BUT I THOUGHT--

I THOUGHT I COULD GIVE BACK TO THE AA COMMUNITY, YOU KNOW,

SEE ALL THOSESINGLE HOTTIE MEN THERE.

IT'S LIKE I COULD BE LIKE A SPONSOR.

YOU KNOW, HAVE 'EM CALL ME AT 2:00AM AND BE LIKE,

I WANT TO HAVE A DRINK. I'D BE LIKE

- "I HAVE ONE, COME OVER. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

COME TO MOMMY WHERE IT'S SAFE AND WARM. LET'S GO."

- OH, GOOD TIMES. - [LAUGHTER]

THE GREAT THING ABOUT BEING AN ALCOHOLIC IS THAT

NOBODY DEPENDS ON YOU FOR [BLEEP], OKAY?

NOBODY EVER ASKED ME FOR A RIDE TO THE AIRPORT.

I'M ALWAYS LIKE,THAT SOUNDS LIKE A HOOT,

BUT I'LL BE DRINKING THAT DAY, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THAT MAKES THEM INTERESTING?

MY CLEANING LADY DOESN'T HAVE A CAR,

BUT SHE HAS A WEB SITE AND A WEEKLY PODCAST.

LIKE, WHAT ISFLORENCIA RANTING ABOUTHOW TO FIT 12 PEOPLE

- INTO AN EL CAMINO? - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I RECENTLY DATED AN ENGLISH GUY.DID ANYBODY EVER DATE ONE OF

THOSE PIECES OF [BLEEP] LOSERS? WHAT A WASTE OF TIME.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT ISABOUT AN ENGLISH, IRISH,

OR AUSTRALIAN ACCENT THAT MAKES ME JUST WANT TO GET UNDRESSED

- AND HIGH-FIVE MYSELF. - [LAUGHTER]

THAT'S HOW IT WAS WITH MY BOYFRIEND.

THE FIRST TWO MONTHS WERE GREAT 'CAUSE I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD HE SAID.

AFTER TWO YEARS I'M LIKE, STOP TALKING LIKE THAT, OKAY?

TALK LIKE ME, JUST TRY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU DIRTY UNCIRCUMCISED FREAK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY DON'T JUST CIRCUMCISEGUYS IN OTHER COUNTRIES.

THEY'RE ALL GONNA END UP IN OUR COUNTRY ANYWAY, OKAY?

DID YOU HEAR THE NEW PHENOMENON THAT'S GOING ON ABOUT

UNCIRCUMCISED PARENTS, THAT THEY'RE LETTING THEIR THE BOYS DECIDE

IF THEY WANT TO GET CIRCUMCISED? IT'S LIKE, OKAY,

IT SHOULDN'T BE UP TO THE BOY. IT SHOULD BE UP TO THE GIRL.

THE ONE THAT'S GONNA BE[BLEEP] HIM IN 15 YEARS.

OKAY, THAT SHOULD BE HER DECISION.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

ALL HE EVER TALKED ABOUT WAS THREESOMES, HE'S LIKE,

"CHELS, CHELS, TRY IT, YOU'RE REALLY GONNA LIKE IT,

IT'S REALLY POPULAR IN EUROPE."

IT'S LIKE,SO IS DAVID HASSELHOFF.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND SHE'S GETTING MARRIED--

I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE WHO GET MARRIED

AND THEN MAKE THE ENTIRE YEAR ABOUT THEM.

YOU KNOW, THESE PEOPLE WHO DO THIS-- IS ANYBODY ENGAGED,

GETTING MARRIED? YEAH-- GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, GOOD LUCK.

I DON'T LIKE THESE BRIDES WHO GO AND REGISTER

FOR THEIR OWN GIFTS.WHO DECIDED IT WAS OKAY

TO PICK OUT YOUR OWN GIFTS. AND THEN THEY ACT SURPRISED

WHEN THEY GETTHE GIFT AND WRITE YOUA THANK-YOU LETTER LIKE,

OH MY GOD, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR THOUGHTFUL GIFT.

HOW DID YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE, BITCH, YOU PICKEDIT OUT, THAT'S HOW I KNEW, OKAY?

I TYPED IN YOUR NAME, AND A CEILING FAN CAME UP.

WHAT-- PICK THAT OUT ON MY OWN,

WHY DON'T YOU BUY ME A GIFT,I'M STILL SINGLE.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN REGISTER AT A LIQUOR STORE, BUT I WOULD LIKE TO TRY.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

WHEN I GET MARRIED FOR THE FIRST TIME,

I'M GONNA REGISTER AT BANK OF AMERICA.

I'M A HALF A JEW,I'M NOT [BLEEP] AROUND.

WE GET NOTHING OUT OF IT, YOU THROW WEDDING SHOWERS,

AND BACHELORETTE WEEKENDS FOR THESE GIRLS, RIGHT,

WE SPEND SO MUCH MONEY ONTHESE DRESSES THAT ARE TERRIBLE.

AND WHAT DO WE GET OUT OF IT, NOTHING, A PIECE OF CHICKEN

AND A ROLL IN THE HAY WITH THEIRHILLBILLY COUSIN, NO THANK YOU.

MY FAMILY'S VERY CLOSE,I CAN DO THAT AT HOME.

NEVER ENDS AT THE WEDDING 'CAUSE THEN THEY LEAVE

AND THEY GO ON THEIR HONEYMOON AND YOU'RE SO HAPPY IT'S OVER

AND ALL THE BRIDESMAIDS ARE COMPLAINING ANDCOMMISERATING TOGETHER.

AND THEN THEY COME BACKAND WANT YOU TO WATCH THE VIDEO.

IT WAS LIKE, BITCH, I WAS THERE, OKAY. I SAW.

I DON'T REALLY WANT TO SEE FOOTAGE OF ME PASSED OUT ON A CAKE.

[LAUGHTER]

OR THEY FEEL BAD FOR YOU-- YOU KNOW-- THEY FEEL BAD--

MY GIRLFRIEND MET HER BOYFRIENDICE SKATING ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.

I'M LIKE, LISTEN UP CAMEL TOE, IF YOU SEE A GROWN MAN ALONE

ON A PAIR OF SKATES ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.

YOU'RE THINKING I'M NOT GONNALET THIS FISH GET AWAY?

- GOOD LUCK WITH THAT MARRIAGE. - [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.HE'S GONNA COME DANCING OUT OF THE CLOSET

IN A BALLERINA OUTFIT IN ABOUT SIX MONTHS, OKAY?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY FEEL SO BAD FOR YOUR SINGLE PEOPLE-- THEY'RE LIKE,

OH, CHELSEA, IT'S SO SAD, YOU'RE ALWAYS SLEEPING WITH

STRANGE GUYS AND HOOKING UP, IT'S SO SAD, IT'S SO SAD.

LIKE, IT'S ACTUALLYCALLED HAPPY HOUR, OKAY,SO IT'S NOT THAT SAD.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

OR THEY COME OVER AND THEY GO,

"WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER ON FRIDAY NIGHT,

WE'RE GONNA HAVEA BUNCH OF PEOPLE OVER,

WE'RE GONNA HAVE GAME NIGHT, IT'S GONNA BE NUTTY."

GAME-- UNLESS WE'RE PLAYING WHO'S HIDING THE ECSTASY

I'M NOT GONNA MAKE IT, OKAY, 'CAUSE THAT'S MY FAVORITE GAME.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

GAME NIGHT, I'D RATHER TAKE A BUBBLE BATH WITH MY FATHER,

- OKAY? - [LAUGHTER]

SPEAKING OF SHAMU. MY FATHER'S BALD,

WEIGHS 250 POUNDS,AND PEES IN OUR DRIVEWAYLIKE A GERMAN SHEPHERD.

SO I THOUGHT I'D TAKE HIM TO COSTA RICA THIS SUMMER

'CAUSE MY MOM PASSED AWAY A COUPLE MONTHS AGO,

AND I THOUGHT IT'D BE A NICE TIME TO BOND WITH MY FATHER.

OR AS I LIKE TO CALL HIM, BITCH TITS.

AND-- I WAS EXPECTING TO BOND WITH MY DAD.

WHAT I WASN'T EXPECTINGWAS FOR PEOPLE TO THINK WE WERE A COUPLE.

IT STARTED WHEN WE GOTUPGRADED TO FIRST CLASS,

WHICH I THOUGHT WAS A COURTESY, AND I LATER FOUND OUT

THEY THOUGHT WE WERE ON OUR HONEYMOON 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT HE TOLD THEM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS AFTER HIM CAUSING A HUGE STINK

BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'TLET HIM BRING HIS COMPUTER ON THE PLANE,

IT'S A DESKTOP. OKAY?

THIS IS WHAT I'M DEALING WITH.

HE'S LIKE IT'S BETTER THEY THINK WE'RE A COUPLE

THEN THEY THINK YOU'RE A LESBIAN.

I'M LIKE-- FIRST OF ALL DAD, YOU POINTING AT YOUR PENIS

IS NOT THE INTERNATIONAL SIGN FOR A LESBIAN, OKAY?

AND I'M NOT A LESBIAN. OKAY-- I HAVE A SISTER

WHO'S ON A VOLLEYBALL TEAM THAT PRACTICES INDOORS.

SO IF ANYONE'S A LESBIAN, IT'S NOT [BLEEP] ME. OKAY?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BELIEVE ME, I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT BECOMING A LESBIAN, THOSE BITCHES LOOK LIKE

THEY'RE HAVING A HELL OF A TIME, DON'T THEY?

GETTING ALL DRUNK AND GOING [BLEEP] HUNTING AND [BLEEP].

IT'S LIKE-- YEAH-- YEAH--

THEN YOU GOT TO GET INTOTHE WHOLE LESBIAN SCENE,

YOU KNOW, AND GO BUY LIKE HIKING BOOTS AND A TRUCK.

[LAUGHTER]

- AND THEN WHO PAYS FOR [BLEEP]?- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I GUESS THE GUY WHO'S WATCHING, BUT WHAT IF HE'S NOT THERE?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT IF HE CAN'T MAKE IT?

SO MY DAD'S LIKE, YOU'RE NOT A LESBIAN, ARE YOU?

I'M LIKE, NO. I SLEEP WITH GUYS ALL THE TIME.

HE'S LIKE-- WELL, YOU'RE NOT A HOOKER, ARE YOU?

I'M LIKE, NO, I DON'T CHARGE PEOPLE. I'M LIKE, AND BY THE WAY,

CAN YOU STOP, LIKE, POINTING AT YOUR PENIS

'CAUSE YOU'RE CREEPING ME OUT. I GUESS I SHOULD'VE BEEN HAPPY,

HE'S LIKE-- YOU'RE NOT A HOOKER, ARE YOU?

I LIKE TO SPANK MYSELF ON STAGE,

MOSTLY 'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE TO GET SPANKED IN THE BEDROOM.

BOYS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT NEWSLETTER ALL OF YOU GOT

TELLING YOU WE LIKE TO GET HIT WHEN [BLEEP] GOING DOWN. OKAY?

THAT'S SOMETHING YOU NEED TO DISCUSS WITH US, OKAY?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S SO DEMORALIZING, LADIES, ISN'T IT?

YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE HAVING A MOMENT WITH SOME-- MEXICAN-- OR WHOEVER

YOU'RE PARTIAL TO, YOU KNOW.

AND THEN YOU FEEL THAT HAND ON YOUR ASS, YOU'RE LIKE, OH MY GOD, JUST HIT ME?

- I THOUGHT I WAS DOING BUENO. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE YOU'RE GONNA GO UPTO MAKE HIM A QUESADILLA

WHEN YOU'RE DONEOR SOME [BLEEP].

I HATE ROMANTIC COMEDY MOVIES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE [BLEEP] ABOUT YOURSELF

'CAUSE YOU KNOW THESE THINGS WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO YOU.

AND THERE'S THREE FORMULAS I FIGURED OUT

'CAUSE I SPENTA LOT OF TIME HUNG OVER.

AND MY FAVORITE IS WHERE J.LO IS WALKING ACROSS THE STREET

AND TRIPS OVER SOMETHING RIDICULOUS

LIKE A LEAF OR SOME [BLEEP]. AND THEN MATTHEW MCCONNA-GAY

COMES WHIPPING AROUND THE CORNER.

JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME, AND HE-- WHEN DOES

[BLEEP] LIKE THAT HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE? I FALL ALL THE TIME.

YOU KNOW WHO COMES AND GETS ME, THE BOUNCER.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

THESE MOVIES ARE SO DEPRESSING, YOU KNOW, YOU SEE 'EM AND THEN

THEY MEET SOMEWHERE ROMANTIC, AND THEN AT THE 60-MINUTE MARK

THEY BREAK UP, AND THEN AT THE 90-MINUTE MARK

THEY GET BACK TOGETHER-- THEY BUMP INTO EACH OTHER

BY CO-INKY-DINK OR SOME [BLEEP], YOU KNOW?

BY THE RIVER OR ON THE TARMAC AS THERE ARE 747s--

WHO EVER CHASED YOU DOWN A RUNWAY?

WHEN DOES THIS EVER HAPPEN?

YOU DON'T RUN INTOEX-BOYFRIENDS AND EX-GIRLFRIENDS

WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD AND WANT TO.

LAST TIME I RAN INTO AN EX-BOYFRIEND WAS AT THREE IN THE MORNING

AT RITE AIDE. AS I'M RINGING UPGAS-EX AND CORN REMOVERS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I'M LIKE,HEYYY YOUUU. WHAT'S UP?

THESE ARE FOR MY GRANDMOTHER,THAT OLD BITCH.

HE'S LIKE, AREN'T THEY BOTH DEAD? I'M LIKE, ONE OF THEM

CAME BACK, OKAY,AND SHE'S SICK.

THREE OR FOUR VIBRATORS ONYOUR BIRTHDAY IS KIND OF FUNNY.

IT'S KIND OF FUNNY. ELEVEN, IT'S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE. I MEAN,

HOW MANY DO YOU THINK WE NEED? HOW MANY DO YOU THINK WE NEED?

ALL YOU NEED IS ONE GOOD ONETHAT WORKS, OKAY?

UNLESS THEY CAME OUTWITH A NEW ONE THAT CAN ALSO MAKE DRINKS,

ALL YOU NEED IS ONE.

I GOT 11 VIBRATORS FOR MY BIRTHDAY THIS YEAR.

DO MY GIRLFRIENDS THINK I'M AT HOME DOUBLE-TEAMING MYSELF?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I GOT A VIBRATOR THAT NEEDEDTWO NINE-VOLT BATTERIES.

WHAT AM I? R2-D2? I DON'T-- I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE DATING A GUY AND THEY MAKE UP SOME SILLY EXCUSE

ABOUT WHY THEY DON'T WANT TO DATE YOU ANYMORE,

OR THEY'RE TRYING TO SCARE YOU OFF?

LIKE, I HAVE HERPES-- OR SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW-- LIKE-- OKAY--NOT SO FAST. SO DO I.

[LAUGHTER]

I WROTE A BOOK CALLED

MY HORIZONTAL LIFE,A COLLECTION OF ONE-NIGHT STANDS.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - OH, THANK YOU.

I ACTUALLY HAVEN'T READ IT,BUT THANK YOU.

AND PEOPLE ARE LIKE, OH, YOU KNOW,

YOU NEVER THINK WHEN YOU'RE A LITTLE GIRL THAT,

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GONNA GROW UP AND BE-- WELL, A WHORE.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL I WAS LIKE,

OH MY GOD, I'M GONNA WAIT 'TIL I GO TO COLLEGE TO LOSE MY VIRGINITY.

YOU KNOW-- HAD ALL THESE BIG DREAMS. AND THEN THE THIRD GRADE

JUST ENDED UP BEING SUCH A NUTTY YEAR.

AND I'M SO GLAD I DIDN'T WAIT FOR COLLEGE,

'CAUSE I DIDN'T END UP GETTING ACCEPTED ANYWHERE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY ANYBODY WAITS TO HAVE SEX IN THIS DAY AND AGE.

LIKE, AT THIS POINT, YOU NEED TO FIND OUT

WHAT'S GOING ON IN THIS ARENA RIGHT AWAY, OKAY?

I DON'T WANT ANY SHRINKY-DINK SURPRISES ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.

THE LAST TIME I WAITEDTO HAVE SEX WITH A GUY,

HE SHOWED UP AT MY DOOR WITH BUTT PLUGS AND A FLASHLIGHT.

IT'S LIKE, OKAY,WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WHAT'S UP WITH THE FLASHLIGHT, SIR?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

FROM YOUR GYNECOLOGIST? IS THAT--

[LAUGHTER]

I RECENTLY HAD SEX WITH A MIDGET, NOT ON PURPOSE.

HE WAS A TRICKY LITTLE [BLEEP].

HE KEPT GIVING ME SHOT AFTER SHOT AFTER SHOT OF TEQUILA.

AND HE KEPT GETTING TALLER AND TALLER AND TALLER.

AND SOME PEOPLE HAVE A PHOBIA OF MIDGETS, YOU KNOW,

THEY'RE LIKE SCARED OF THEM. I HAVE THE EXACT OPPOSITE,

I SEE THEM I WANT TO HOLD THEM DOWN AND CUDDLE THEM

AND BE LIKE, COME HERE YOU LITTLE [BLEEP] NUGGET, WHO'S YOUR MOMMY NOW?

YOU'RE SO CUTE. IT'S LIKE-- [GRUNTING]

PEOPLE ARE LIKE, THAT'S NOT THE POLITICALLY CORRECT TERM,

MIDGET, YOU KNOW? I'M LIKE, OBVIOUSLY YOU'VE NEVER HUNG OUT

WITH ONE, SIR, 'CAUSE I'VE HUNG OUT WITH 12 OR 13 AND I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE

THEY LIKE TO BE CALLED EITHER NUGGET OR LITTLE [BLEEP]. OKAY?

I MET MY FIRST MIDGET IN MEXICO AND HE WAS A WAITER

WITH A SOMBRERO ON HIS HEAD FILLED WITH CHIPS AND SALSA.

LIKE I WAS GONNA LET THAT GUY GET AWAY?

I DON'T THINK SO. OKAY? I DON'T THINK SO.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I BROUGHT HIM TO MY HOTEL ROOM AND I WOKE UP IN THE MORNING

AND HEARD THE LITTLE PITTER PATTER OF LITTLE FEET

ON MY SPANISH TILE AND I'M LIKE,OH MY GOD, DID I HAVE A BABY?

WHAT IS THAT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS THAT PENIS SIZE DOESN'T MATTER.

AND SHE'S LIKE, CHELSEA, IT DOESN'T MATTER IF A GUY DOESN'T HAVE A CAR,

OR IF HE HAS A SMALL PENIS, HE CAN BE GOOD AT OTHER THINGS.

LIKE WHAT-- WHAT MATH?

FINDING GUYS WITH BIG PENISES? WHAT IS HE GOOD AT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LOVE WHEN YOU'RE ON MYSPACE AND A GUY IS LIKE,

OH, DO YOU WANT TO GO OUT.AND I'LL BE LIKE,

HOW BIG IS YOUR PENIS, AND THEY'LL BE LIKE,

I'VE NEVER HAD ANY FORMAL COMPLAINTS.

AS IF WHEN WE ENCOUNTER A SMALL PENIS WE WAKE UP FIRST THING

IN THE MORNING AND LODGE A FORMAL GRIEVANCE WITH THE LAPD.

OKAY, IF YOU PULL YOURPANTS DOWN AND WE START

TEXT MESSAGING OUR FRIENDS, YOU HAVE A SMALL PENIS, OKAY?

SIR, YOU HAVE A SMALL PENIS. I CAN TELL BY YOUR SWEATER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW WHO MYFAVORITE CELEBRITY IS?I JUST MET-- BY THE WAY,

MY FAVORITE CELEBRITY EVER NOW, WHO I WASN'T A HUGE FAN OF,

BUT I MET HIM A COUPLE WEEKS AGO AT A PARTY,

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS GUY.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]- YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

YOU KNOW WHY?BECAUSE HE'S COMMITTED--

TO BEING AN ALCOHOLIC,HE'S ABSOLUTELY COMMITTED TO IT.

AND I RESPECT THAT. I MEAN, THIS IS A GUY WHO'S BEEN ARRESTED

FOR LIKE DRUG POSSESSION ON SEVERAL DIFFERENT OCCASIONS.

AND THEN AFTER THAT MANAGED TO GET A DUI AND HAVE LIKE

POT, COKE, AND A GUN ON HIM. LIKE MY QUESTION IS,

AFTER YOU'VE BEEN ARRESTED THREE OR FOUR TIMES,

WHO CALLS UP THEIR FRIENDS AND IS LIKE,

HEY, LET'S GET AN EIGHT BALL,A BAG OF WEED, A GUN, A SIX PACK

- AND, [BLEEP] IT, I'LL DRIVE. - [LAUGHTER]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, I'M CHELSEA HANDLER,

THANK YOU GUYSFOR COMING OUT TONIGHT.

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