Ex-Boyfriend

  • Season 1, Ep 9
  • 03/10/2016

When Billie gets stressed out about reconnecting with her well-heeled ex-boyfriend, Gene hatches a plan to impress him.

- Yes, just seat yourself,McCallister.

I'll be back momentarily.Gene!

- Oh, those are [bleep] done.- Gene!

- Huh? What?- Who is this?

This isn't part of the plan.- This is New Chet.

- Hi.I'm Darryl.

- I was inspired by your wholeblast from the past situation.

Darryl and I usedto ass-mule liquid cocaine

out of the Bahamas together.

- And we were married.

- Oh, that's right!We were.

- Right? Yes.- Oh, for two days.

- Yeah, 'member?- Oh, my gosh.

Wednesday and--

both: Thursday.- Excuse me!

- What?- The burner isn't even on.

his burner's not--you're cooking over nothing.

- Okay.- Oh, God.

This isn't going well.

No, no, no, no.I'm gonna tell him.

- No, no, no, no.You can't tell him.

You can't tell him.It's gonna be fine.

- Get your hair-fingerout of the soup!

- Look, solved.

- He just sucked--

- Darryl is here for a reason,okay, mon?

- Why are you talkinglike a Rastafarian?

- Okay.

- Can you bend at all?Got it? Okay.

- Thank you.

- Dinner will be here soon,because I-I'ma get it.

- Thank you.

So nice of you to come tonight.

And I've changed so muchsince our..."skyool" days.

- What's with your voice?

- Sort of a global accent.

I'm very world-traveled,like Madonna Ciccone,

who I've metat several giant balls.

- Where did you,uh, travel last?

I love to travel.

- Oh, it's...all a blur.

Peni--Pen Island.- Hmm?

- So glad we could do this.

- You mentioned that,like, 30 seconds ago.

- Mm.- It actually worked out well

'cause my book signing, um,was canceled.

- That must make youfeel like...

no one likes your books.

- No.No, just too many RSVPs.

Had to move itto a bigger venue.

I'll be hitting upthe B & Nobles

in Pasadena tomorrow.

- Grea--great.

So glad you could come.

- You said that.

- Boom, boom,shake the room.

- There we go.

- Nah, you haven't seen mein a bunch of years though, man.

I am grown.

- Yeah?- Yeah.

I've got a house.I'm in a bowling league.

- What?- Yeah.

I've got, like, two,three kids.

- So, you'renot a prostitute anymore?

- No, I'm still a prostitute.- Oh.

- So, how's married life?Terribly confining or--

- Ugh.Alice left me.

We're in the middleof a divorce right now.

It's ugly.

- I'm so sorry, McCallister.I didn't--I didn't know.

- Don't be. Actually,it turned out quite well.

I'm now dating successfulscreenwriter Diablo Cody.

She won the Oscar for"Juno."

- Never heard of it.- Yes, you have.

- I don't know.J'you know?

- It's "Juno."The movie.

- J'you know what movie?

- J'you know that I'm dating

successful screenwriterDiablo Cody?

- I don't know, like,what's making me think of this

right now, but I've, like,always wanted to be a witch,

with, like,a bubbling cauldron.

- That's super dope, man.Go for it.

- Thanks. I will.

- Hey, remember that Christmas

when we brokeinto that kid's house

but we couldn't steal anything'cause he was so wily?

- No.

- Yeah, we were casing the placefor weeks posing as plumbers.

I think we even had a name.

- The Wet Bandits?

- Yes!

- Yeah, that's the plotto "Home Alone."

- Oh, so it didn't happen againin New York?

- No.That's "Home Alone 2."

- What are you doing?

We're supposed to be Zumba-ing,you zombie.

Have the whole houseto ourselves this weekend.

- Oh, yeah. I forgot.

- You want to come now or keepplaying stare at phone game?

- My ex-boyfriendjust invited me to dinner

and I said yes.

- Oh, nice.

A little sex with the ex.Make it more complex.

I like that.- No.

- Maybe he makes you orgasm?Look like a tiny T-Rex?

- No. No.I don't want to go. I panicked.

Like saying no would showweakness or something.

Now he's gonna pick me up

and see how I'm living,that I'm poor.

I wasted my education.

- And you live in a mansion.

- I work in a mansionas a nanny to an adult.

- Okay.- With no mental disabilities.

- Okay, you don't need to

make us bothfeel like crap, Billie.

- Meanwhile, he's on the backof his own book jackets.

- Whoa.You dated Juliette Lewis?

Oh, my gosh, what is she like?- No, that's him.

- She's, like,my favorite singer.

- He's in town on a book tour.

Thought he'dtake the opportunity

to come by and remind me

how not sad he isthat he dumped me

and what a failure I am,

and stop readingand enjoying the book, Gene.

I can see you outof the corner of my eye.

- I just want to seeif Sancho takes the bait.

Just let me see!

- How could you be so advancedin this plotline!

- It's engaging!I can't help it!

- Okay!You can barely read.

How do you know so muchabout what's going on?

- That's not true.I can read just fine.

- Say that word.

- "Tuh-rhee."

- Three.- Okay.

- What's this?

- A "W."

- It's--that's correct as well.