CC Presents: Pete Lee

  • Season 13, Ep 11
  • 01/11/2009

AND MY THREE BEST FRIENDSIN NEW YORK CITY

ARE THREE GIGANTIC-LOOKINGBLACK DUDES, YOU KNOW?

I LOVE HANGING OUT WITH THEM.

I BROUGHT THEM HOMETO JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN,

WHERE I'M FROM,

AND EVERYBODY WAS LOOKING AT MEAND LOOKING AT THEM

AND LOOKING AT MEAND LOOKING AT THEM,

LIKE, "WOW,HE MUST BE THEIR KICKER!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW? I ACTUALLY PLAYON A FOOTBALL LEAGUE WITH THEM.

THAT'S HOW I MET THEM.

AND I'M THE WORST PERSONON THE TEAM.

I SUCK, ALL RIGHT?

SO THEY NICKNAMED ME"GLOBAL WARMING."

YEAH, 'CAUSE EVERY TIMEI'M ON THE FIELD,

THEY ACT LIKEI DON'T EVEN EXIST.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW?

SO I WANTED TO GIVEOUR TEAM CAPTAIN, TREY,

I WANTED TO GIVE HIMA COOL NICKNAME,

BUT I'M REALLY BAD AT THAT, TOO.

SO THE OTHER DAY, I WAS LIKE,"WHAT'S UP, SNOOPY?"

AND...RIGHT?

AND HE'S LIKE,"WHY YOU CALLING ME SNOOPY?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "UM, AWKWARD!"

RIGHT? YOU KNOW?

"'CAUSE YOU'RE ORIGINALLYFROM NEW ORLEANS,

"AND EVERY TIME YOU SEEA PICTURE OF SNOOPY,

HE'S ALWAYS ON TOP OF HIS ROOF."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S THE CUTEST, MEANEST JOKEYOU'VE EVER HEARD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HEY, I SAID IT, YOU LAUGHED.

SEE YOU IN HELL.

I HAVE A REALLY WEIRD ROOMMATEIN NEW YORK.

MY ROOMMATE,HE'S A 29-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN.

RIGHT? NO, SILENCE IS THEAPPROPRIATE RESPONSE TO THAT.

WHEN I FIRST MET HIM, LIKE,"WOW, THAT'S SO RARE.

YOU'RE LIKE A UNICORN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT HE'S ALWAYS TRYING TO BRAGABOUT HIS VIRGINITY,

LIKE IT'S ONEOF THOSE HIGH-SCHOOLAFTER-SCHOOL SPECIALS.

HE'S ALWAYS LIKE,"BRO, I'M A VIRGIN

"BECAUSE JESUS CHRISTWANTS ME TO BE A VIRGIN.

AWESOME!"

I'M LIKE, "YEAH, DUDE, OF COURSEGOD WANTS YOU TO BE A VIRGIN.

THAT'S WHY HE MADE YOU UGLY,DUDE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE'S LIKE, "BUT MY PARENTS WEREVIRGINS WHEN THEY WERE MARRIED."

I'M LIKE, "YEAH, DUDE,UGLY PLUS UGLY EQUALS YOU.

"ALL RIGHT?

"SERIOUSLY, WHEN YOU WERE BORNFOR THE FIRST TIME,

"GOD WAS LIKE,'CRAP, MAYBE DARWIN WAS RIGHT.

"'HEY, SAINT PETER, CHECK OUTTHIS UGLY BABY THAT I MADE.

LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE STOMPEDON A YOGURT CUP.'"

I KNOW.

I KNOW, AND IT'S WEIRD

BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE LAUGHEDREALLY HARD AT THAT JOKE,

AND OTHER PEOPLE WERE LIKE,"NAW!"

YOU KNOW?

AND THOSE PEOPLEARE CALLED UGLY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY PERSONALITYIS I'M PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE.

AND IF YOU GUYS DON'T KNOWWHAT THAT MEANS,

IT JUST MEANS THAT I'M LIKEA LITTLE MASCOT, YOU KNOW?

OUT HERE, I'M ALL LIKE,"COME LOOK AT ME!

I'M ALL FUN AND FRIENDLYAND I'M REALLY SUPER NICE!"

BUT IN HERE, I HAVE A SECRET --I HATE PEOPLE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW?

WHAT IT REALLY MEANS,PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE,

IS THAT I JUST PREFER REVENGETO COMMUNICATION, ALL RIGHT?

IF YOU GUYS DON'T THINKTHAT REVENGE IS AWESOME,

YOU HAVE NEVER SNUCKINTO YOUR BOSS'S OFFICE

AND TAPED FIRECRACKERSTO ALL HIS LIGHT BULBS BEFORE.

YEAH, NO ANNUAL RAISE?

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!

DANCE, DRAGON, DANCE!

POP-POP, POP-POP!

OR HAVE YOU GUYS EVER BEENDOING LAUNDRY IN A LAUNDROMAT,

SOMEBODY TAKES YOUR SOPPING-WETCLOTHES OUT OF THE DRYER,

THEY PUT THEIRS INON YOUR QUARTER?

"OH, NO, YOU DIDN'T!"RIGHT?

WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO,

HAVE A LITTLE "HEART-TO-HEART"WITH THEM?

LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT, DUDE,WHEN YOU DID THAT,

THAT REALLY HURT MY FEELINGS."

NO, YOU DON'T DO THAT.

YOU WAITTILL THEY'RE NOT LOOKING,

YOU OPEN UP THEIR DRYER DOOR,AND YOU POUR IN MILK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH.

[ APPLAUSE ]

AND COTTON CANDY.

AND [BLOWS] CONFETTI.

YEAH, HAVE FUNFOLDING YOUR PI√ĎATA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ HUMMING "MEXICAN HAT DANCE" ]

HAI! OKAYDOKAY!

THE COOLEST THING ABOUT REVENGE,YOU KNOW,

IS THAT REVENGE DOES NOT HAVEAN EXPIRATION DATE.

IT'S NOT LIKE MILK, YOU KNOW.

NO, SIRREE, BOB.

NO, MAN.REVENGE IS AWESOME, MAN.

LIKE, MY BROTHER,

HE USED TO BEAT THE LIVING SNOTOUT OF ME GROWING UP,

SO LAST OCTOBER, I TAUGHTHIS YOUNGEST DAUGHTER

THAT THE F-WORD MEANS "CANDY."

HAPPY HALLOWEEN.

'CAUSE, LIKE, I'M NOTVERY TOUGH, YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE MY NAME IS PETE LEE,

AND YOU CAN'T BE TOUGHIF YOUR NAME IS PETE LEE.

BECAUSE MY NAMEHAS FOUR E's IN IT.

MY NAME SOUNDS LIKETHE HORN OF A MOPED.

IT'S LIKE, "PETE LEE!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

PETE LEE!

MY NAME SOUNDS LIKE IF A MOPEDHAD A REALLY SISSY CAR ALARM.

IT'S LIKE...

[ High-pitched voice ]"PETE LEE! PETE LEE! PETE LEE!"

[ Singsong voice ] WUSS!

WUSS!

PANSY! PANSY! PANSY!

[ Gruff voice ]WEAK, WEAK, PETE!

[ LAUGHS ]

[ Normal voice ] YEAH.THANK YOU, GUYS.

AND YOU CAN'T BE TOUGH IF YOURNAME RHYMES LIKE MINE DOES.

MY PARENTS MIGHT AS WELLHAVE NAMED ME "OKEYDOKEY."

OR IN SPANISH, "OKAYDOKAY!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

OKAYDOKAY!

I DO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND,YOU KNOW.

AND IT'S WEIRD WHEN I SAY THAT.

PEOPLE LOOK AT ME

THE WAY THAT YOU PEOPLEARE LOOKING AT ME RIGHT NOW.

LIKE,"SHE'S PROBABLY IMAGINARY."

WHEN WE FIRST STARTED DATING,ALL MY BUDDIES WERE LIKE,

"HEY, PETE, WHERE'STHIS 'GIRLFRIEND' OF YOURS?"

I WAS LIKE, "DUDE, SHE TRAVELSALL AROUND THE WORLD

FOR WORK, ALL RIGHT?"

THEY'RE LIKE,"YEAH, SO DOES SANTA."

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW?

AND MY GIRLFRIEND'S NAMEIS JAMIE,

WHICH THAT DOESN'T HELP

THAT MY GIRLFRIENDHAS A DUDE'S NAME, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, WHY DO YOU PARENTS

KEEP NAMING YOUR ADORABLELITTLE DAUGHTERS DUDES' NAMES?

'CAUSE SISSIES LIKE MEDATE THEM.

WE GOT TO BE LIKE, "HEY, THISIS MY GIRLFRIEND, TRAVIS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT SUCKS, MAN.

BUT, SO, WE CAME UPWITH A SOLUTION.

WE WANTED TO GIVE EACH OTHERCUTE LITTLE NICKNAMES, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, SHE NICKNAMED ME"PUMPKIN BUTTER BUTT."

YEAH, AND I NICKNAMED HER"SARAH."

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