I Thought My Dad Was Dead, but It Turns Out He's Not

  • Season 2, Ep 14
  • 11/20/2008

Brian tries to justify his expensive DVD purchase, and Sarah finds out her father is alive.

UH, MORE COFFEE?

MM-HMM.

PEGGY.

DOES THAT BUM YOU OUT?

'CAUSE YOUR NAME RHYMESWITH EGGY?

LIKE EGG.

FINALLY.

OH, GOSH, WE HADTHE CRAZIEST MORNING.

JAY WAS INVOLVEDIN A MASSIVE SHOOTOUT

AT THE BANK.

YES, I WAS ONTHE GOOD GUYS' SIDE, OF COURSE.

AND THEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN,

THE HOSPITAL'S BACKED UP

WITH ALL THESE COPSAND BANK ROBBERS.

I SHOOT 'EM,SHE SAVES 'EM.

IT'S, LIKE, WHY EVEN BOTHERWASTING THE BULLETS?

YOU KNOW?I'M KIDDING, PUMPKIN.

OH, MY GOD,

THAT'S SO WEIRD,'CAUSE I HAD A CAH-RAZY MORNING.

I WAS WALKING DOUG,

AND IT WAS LIKE,

CRAZY,AND IT WAS JUST LIKE

THE CARS WERE LIKE--AND COLORS...

AND OOH--AND THEN DOUG POOPED,LIKE, A PERFECT "L."

LIKE A CAPITAL "L."

OR NO, IT WAS A,UM--

NO, A, LIKE,A LOWERCASE "L."

SWEETIE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TRYTO COMPETE WITH ME AND JAY.

WE JUST HAPPEN TO HAVEVERY EXCITING JOBS.

I MEAN, THAT'S WHYALL THE BEST TV SHOWS

ARE ABOUT HOSPITALSOR COPS.

WELL, UM, THAT'S FUNNY

'CAUSE LOST ISN'T A HOSPITALOR A COP.

BUT JACK IS A DOCTOR.

ANA LUCIA'S A COP.

THIS CONVERSATION'S OVER.

THAT WAS UNNECESSARY.

(Sarah) LARRY BIRD.

[dramatic music]

DAD.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS.I JUST SAW DAD.

IN HERE?

NO, NO, I SAW HIM.I REALLY SAW HIM.

HE WAS OUTSIDE THE BOOKSTORE.

SARAH, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

DAD'S BEEN DEADFOR YEARS.

AND HIS KIND OF DEATHWASN'T AMBIGUOUS.

HE DIED AS COMPLETELY ANDIRREVERSIBLY AS A PERSON CAN.

REMEMBER, MOM TOLD USHOW IT HAPPENED.

[knock at door]

ROSE SILVERMAN?

YES?

ROSE, I'M SORRYTO HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS,

BUT YOUR HUSBAND, MAX,IS DEAD.

HE WAS IN A CAR EXPLOSION.THERE'S NO BODY.

EVERYTHING IN THE CARWAS INCINERATED.

THE ONLY THING THAT WAS LEFTINTACT WERE THE DENTAL RECORDS.

SO EITHER MAX IS DEAD,OR THE DENTIST IS.

AND I JUST HADMY TEETH CLEANED.

IF DENTAL RECORDSARE SO INDESTRUCTIBLE,

WHY DON'T THEY JUST MAKETHE WHOLE CAR OUT OF THEM?

I-I SEE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

IT'S SORT OF LIKE THE CONCEIT

WITH THE AIRPLANEAND THE BLACK BOX.

A LOT OF, YOU KNOW, STAND-UPCOMEDIANS TALK ABOUT THAT.

I WAS IN THE AUDIENCETHE OTHER NIGHT AT A CLUB,

AND THIS GUY WAS GOING OFFON THAT WHOLE STING,

AND I WISHTHEY HAD MICROPHONES,

SO I COULD SORT OF SET HIMSTRAIGHT

BECAUSE HE'S GOING OFF

WITH THE BLACK BOX--FIRST OF ALL,

IF THE AIRPLANE WAS BUILTOUT OF THE BLACK BOX

IT WOULD RENDERTHE WHOLE PLANE FLIGHTLESS,

AND NOBODY'S GOING ANYWHERE.

I'M JUST TRYING TO SAY--

IF YOU'RE GONNA DOSTAND-UP COMEDY

AND YOU CAN TALK

ABOUT ANYTHING YOU WANT,

TALK ABOUT SOMETHINGTHAT'S REAL.

SO, UM,HOW YOU HOLDING UP?

WELL, I KNOWWHAT I THINK I SAW.

(Sarah) MAX SILVERMAN?

SORRY, KID, YOU GOT ME CONFUSEDWITH SOMEONE ELSE.

WELL, THEN, WHY DID YOU TURNAROUND WHEN I SAID YOUR NAME?

WHAT?

SOMEBODY YELLS SOMETHING.I TURN AROUND.

(man) HEY, YOU!

SEE.

WELL, IF YOU'RE NOTMAX SILVERMAN,

MY FATHER,THEN IT WOULDN'T BE GROSS

TO MAKE OUT WITH ME,WOULD IT?

FINE.

GREAT.GOOD.

AWESOME.LET'S DO IT.

OKAY.

AH, YOU GOT ME.I'M YOUR DAD.

I KNEW IT.[laughs]

OH. OOH.OOH.

ALL RIGHT,ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM.

WHY AREN'T YOU DEAD?

YOUR MOTHER JUST TOLD YOUI WAS DEAD

TO PROTECT YOUAND YOUR SISTER.

PROTECT US?

I'M WITH A SPECIAL UNITOF THE CIA

CALLED NEW ENGLAND FOLIAGE.

IT'S AN ELITE GROUP DEDICATEDTO STOPPING THE NEXT 9/11.

I ALMOST STOPPEDTHE FIRST 9/11.

EVERYTHING WAS IN PLACE,BUT I HAD DIARRHEA.

OH, MY GOD.

I DID MANAGETO STOP 9/10,

9/12, 9/13, AND 14.

THOSE BASTARDS HADA WHOLE WEEK PLANNED,

BUT NOBODY TALKS ABOUT THAT.

YOU'RE A HERO.I KNEW IT.

MR. SILVERMAN, YOU KNOWYOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

LET'S GO.WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M SHOPPING.I'M A LITERARY BUFF.

HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

DAD, WHAT IS THIS?

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,ALL RIGHT, FINE.

IT SEEMSTHAT CERTAIN PEOPLE SAY

THAT I'M STALKINGLARRY BIRD.

WHAT?

I'M NOT IN THE CIA.

I JUST COULDN'T HANDLEBEING A FATHER.

SO I LEFT MY FAMILYTO FOLLOW MY BLISS,

WHICH WAS FOLLOWINGTHE BOSTON CELTICS

AROUND THE COUNTRY.

WHO'S YOUR HERO NOW?

DON'T LOOK AT ME.I'M A FAILURE.

ALL I COULD DOWAS CROCHET.

LOOK, LOOK,I MADE THESE BOXERS.

WHOA.

YEAH.

BUT OTHER THAN THAT,I'M A COMPLETE LOSER.

NONE OF THIS MATTERS.

THE IMPORTANT THING IS

THAT WE FOUNDEACH OTHER.

I'LL KEEP HIMOUT OF TROUBLE, FELLAS.

HE'S MY DAD.

COME ON.

IT'S TIME FOR THIS FAMILYTO HAVE A PROPER REUNION.

REALLY?

DO YOU LIKE SALT?

I LIKE SALTON MY TOMATOES.

(Sarah) EVERYTHING.

[laser fire]

(Rage) BRIAN.

I'VE BEEN DOING SOME THINKING.

YEAH, I'M A HERO,A MAN OF DECISIVE ACTION,

AND ALL THAT HOO-HAH,

BUT I'M ALSO A MANOF REASON AND INTROSPECTION.

I MADE A MISTAKE.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE ENCOURAGED YOUTO BUY THESE DVDs.

LOVING RELATIONSHIPSARE MUCH MORE IMPORTANT

THAN PROVINGA RIDICULOUS POINT,

AND FAR MORE VALUABLE THAN ANY DVD BOX SET.

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS,BRIAN,

I SLEEP ALONE AT NIGHT.

DON'T END UP LIKE ME.

IT'S TRUE.

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