The Matrix

  • Season 2, Ep 6
  • 02/18/2015

Disaster strikes when Abbi and Ilana decide to go phoneless on the same day they're meant to attend a dog wedding.

(Ilana)I love "Scarface," dude.

(Abbi)We just watched that.

Cocaine and incest,baby.

Can't get enough.

Wait, what about"Food, Inc."?

That's supposed to be likereally life-changing

and eye-opening and likea really important film to see

about where our foodcomes from and stuff.

And then the wholecorn issue.

Sometimes it's the less youknow, though... you know?


Dude, I wonderwhat kind of food

they're going to have atthe dog wedding today.

Let's watchthe E-vite again.



(barking happily)


I love it!

It really isa masterpiece.

Oh my God.

Why is that shot in there?

It's animated, it didn'tneed to be in there at all.


Not to belike a downer

but did you know that peoplesteal people's dogs

and then sell them?

There's a "Judge Judy" episodeabout that where this guy is

like reunited withhis dog, who was taken.

Yes, baby boy!Yes!

Wait, is "Judge Judy"still on right now?

We should watch that.

Holy (bleep), dude.

"Judge Judy"ran for 18 seasons.

Jesus Christ!

Judge Judy'snet worth is...


... dollars.

Wait, keep that face.

I gotta take a picand capture your deep,

deep Judy discovery.

(cell phone clicking)

Oh, so good.

I'm gonna 'gram it.

No filter.All right, fine.



(fax machine screeching)

(computer alert chiming)

What up, my queen?


Jesus, I forgot you werein the (bleep) room!

Holy (bleep), dude,how did we forget

that we werehere together?

What is wrong with us?

I feel likeI blacked out.

We were so tapped intothe worldwide bloodstream,

we fell intothe lint roll matrix.

What time is it?

Oh God.(hissing)

All right, we needto go outside for real

(Abbi)Ow... oh...


Pain is in the brain.

Ow!Pain is in the brain.

Pain is in my stupid,stupid brain.

I'm down the shorewith my family.


We're at the beachand it's fine.

No, (bleep) that.

(bleep) that!

I am at dinnerwith Elijah Wood.

And people are sayingthat we're so cute together.

And all we getis dessert.

No, (bleep) that.

I am at an extravagantflea market

with Mark Ruffalo.


All we want issome wooden milk crates

to line our office/maybenursery one day.

(whispering)But we don't say thatto everybody.


I am in Turks and Caicosright now...


... with Taye Diggs.

There's no pain when you'regetting your groove back.

Okay,I can do this.

I have nature skills.


♪ Watch your mouth

♪ We've only opened upPandora's Box ♪

♪ You'll pass my head

♪ Unsettling deeds Eliot!

♪ Forget about your math book Eliot?

♪ Destiny we slidethis roller coaster ♪

♪ Up we bond the ticket

♪ We're walkin'the line ♪

♪ Make your mind up

♪ Make your mind

♪ You seem so rightjust give me reasons ♪

♪ You know I don't needto pretend you care ♪

♪ I've been lookin' for you ♪


What am I doing?




(Monica)I think we can all agreeit's clear.

There's a lot of love here,

and it was communicated to mebefore this ceremony

how important trust isin this relationship.

Atticus and Poppi's dads

taught lovefrom a very young age.

And now, without the rings,

do you, Poppi,take Atticus

to be yourlawfully wedded husband?

She does.

And do you, Atticus,

take Poppi to be yourlawfully wedded wife?


If anyone here objects to thisunion, speak now or forever--


Hold up!

Stop the wedding,stop the wedding!

She's always gottamake it about her.


This was once Abbi's shirt thatI repurposed to make cooler.

Come on, boy,that's her scent.

She's a girl.Oh.

We'll treat herdifferently, then.

Oh God, this is the worst dayto go off the grid.

Brazil nut, I gotta sayyour pitch is fantastic.

You have some star quality.

I can't speakfor the other judges

but we'll see what theyhave to say, okay?

No, I completelydisagree.

Are you kidding me?

She put her heart out there.

She put hersoul out there.

You are completely overlooking

the level of commitmentthat performance took!



I'm pretty sure she's this way,but let's split up to be sure.

Okay, meet back, meet back.


(Abbi)Congratulations, spool stick.

You're going to Hollywood,my friend!


Yeah, it's her!

Hold up, hold up,hold up, hold up.

Abbi's wearing my backpackas a diaper.

Dude, I was gonefor like 25 minutes.

Half-hour tops.

It felt likea lot longer.

Abbi, that footis jacked-up.

You should putsome ice on it.

I know.

I'm practically a doctor.

But you're not.

I am a doctor, and I havea lot of experience

with sprains and breaks.

(Lincoln)No offense,but it's more like

you drain fluidfrom their butt sacks.

Uh, none taken, but I workwith several species.

None of which are human.

Look, the truthabout cats and dogs is--

So is the ambulancecoming soon?

Yep, it's on its way.

(whispering)Can I borrow your phone?


Oh, wow,there they are.

(Brandon)Oh, those are beautiful.You know what?

We'll get themwhen the swelling goes down.

Which I'm sure will bevery soon.

48 hours.In about one to two weeks.