Charles Fleischer & Stevie Ray Fromstein

  • Season 1, Ep 0116
  • 02/24/1992

I'M 44 AND I FEEL LIKEI MIGHT NOW HAVE TO...

I WENT TO THE DOCTOR.

I SAID, "GEE, THERE'S NO ONEIN MY LIFE AND, UH...

CHECK OUT, YOU KNOW,CAN I HAVE A CHILD?"

AND HE SAYS, "WELL, YOUR SPERMMIGHT NEED TRAINING WHEELS

TO GET TO THE..."

MAYBE I'LL DO ONE OF THOSEMICK JAGGER DEALS.

I CANNOT EVEN IMAGINE--

YOU KNOW, WATCHING FATHER KNOWS BEST MY WHOLE LIFE--

HAVING ONE OF THOSE FAMILIESMARRYING A MODEL FROM SWEDEN

AND SEEING MY SON EVERY FIVEYEARS, UH, MY SON, SVENSON.

"I'M SVENSON LEWIS.

MY FATHER WANTS METO BE A KOSHER CATERER."

AND I NEED TIME.

OLD MEN NEEDTIME, YOU KNOW.

AND I PLAY ONE OF MY FAVORITESONGS FROM THE BEATLES--

I DON'T KNOWIF IT'S THE WHITE ALBUM--

BUT JUST SO I CAN MAKE SURE

I'M GOING TO BE THEREAT THE MOMENT OF PASSION

I PLAY NUMBER NINE,NUMBER NINE...

SO THAT GIVES ME ABOUT AN HOUR,HOUR AND A HALF

JUST TO MAKE SURE THINGSARE GOING TO WORK OUT AND UH...

AND WHEN THINGSAREN'T WORKING OUT

I KNOW IT'S A DRAG,YOU KNOW, FOR MY LOVER

SO I HIRE A BARBER SHOP QUARTETTO COME IN AND SING

♪ HE'LL GET AROUSED,HE'LL GET AROUSED... ♪

( laughter )

I THINK THE LOW POINTFOR ME MAKING LOVE

ABOUT A MONTH AGO I SAID

"HEY, THIS ORGASM'S FOR YOU!"

AND THAT WAS REALLY, YOU KNOW...

BUT HEY, I'M NOT PROUD OF IT.

I'M NOT PROUD OF IT,BUT I'M LEARNING, I'M LEARNING.

WE HAVE ALL KINDS OF SYMBOLISM--AN INVERTED CRYSTAL PHALLUS.

YOU COULD NOT DO THISON NETWORK TELEVISION.

BUT YOU CAN, YOU SAY SYMBOLISM

YOU NEED TWO, OTHERWISEIT'S NOT REALLY BELIEVABLE.

LOOKS LIKE BORIS KARLOFFOPENED UP A BEAUTY PARLOR.

( as Karloff: )"YES, COME ON IN.

"WE'LL HAVE A LITTLE RINSEFOR THE DAY.

OOH, YOUR NIPPLES DANCEWHEN YOU LAUGH."

WHAT KIND OFWORK DO YOU DO?

DO YOU HAVE A JOB?

NO, I'M A SMOKER.

SMOKER, I SEE.

WELL, WHO'S THE RECIPIENT?

SOMEONE WE KNOW OR SOMEONEFROM ANOTHER SPECIES?

( hooting )

WAIT A MINUTE.

THE INTERPRETATIONSON THAT PARTICULAR RESPONSE

CAN BE NUMEROUS AND UP TO YOUROWN INDIVIDUAL ENLIGHTENMENT.

"SMOKE OF SPECIES,LIKE SMOKED FISH?

WAS IT SALMON?

"I THINK IT'S ABEAUTY PARLOR REFERENCE.

I'M NOT REALLY CLEAR."

OKAY, I'LL LEAVE IT AT THATAND MOVE TO OTHER PEOPLE

WHO WISH TO RESPONDIN THE NORMAL WAY

LITTLE SMOKED MONKEY HAMMERWITH YOUR PINK AND WHITE FACE.

I THINK IT IS NOT A COINCIDENCE

THAT SMOKER AND BUTTARE BOTH ASSOCIATED

IN THE SAME KINDOF GENERAL THINKING.

I WOULD NOT BE MESSING WITH HIM

HAD HE RESPONDEDIN THE APPROPRIATE MANNER.

BUT NO, HE CHOSE TO BELITTLE ME.

HE CHOSE TO TRY AND USURPMY STAGE POWER

AND I HAVE REDUCED HIMTO ASHEN POWDER.

( imitates spray can )

"FORGET THE HELMET,MOM, I'M OKAY."

"IT'S MOUSSY MOUSSE,HELMET-IN-A-CAN."

SO DO YOU HAVE A JOB, MY FRIEND?

WHAT DO YOU DO, SIR?

DON'T MESSWITH ME

BECAUSE I'LLPUNISH YOU

LIKE BUTTHEADOVER THERE.

SO REALLY, MY FRIEND

YOU APPEAR TO BE MUSICAL,IN SOME WAY ARTISTIC.

I'M USUALLY RIGHTIN MY OBSERVATIONS

SO TELL ME WHAT YOU DO,YOUNG STAR GONG.

I'M A GUITARIST.

BEAUTIFUL.

( with British accent: )SO YOU IN A GROUP?

WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE GROUP?

INK CINEMA?

GOOD NAME.

AND WHAT DO YOU DO,MY LOVELY YOUNG ONE

WITH YOUR MALACHITE JEWELRYAND YOUR FINE LACE PEDANTICS

AND YOUR LITTLE SQUEAKY MOUSSE

WAITING FOR ZOMBO'SFLATTENED SCOOTER MONKEY?

"WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"I DON'T KNOW, IT WAS NOT CLEAR.

"WHAT DOES HE MEAN?"

SO REALLY WHAT DO YOU DO?

YOU APPEAR TO BEA LOVELY YOUNG WOMAN.

APPEARANCES CANBE DECEIVING THOUGH

BUT PLEASE DON'TMAKE ME PUNISH YOU.

PARDON?

A WRITER.

YOU'RE A WRITER.

AND WHAT'S YOURFAVORITE LETTER?

LET ME GUESS.

"O."

MY FAVORITE LETTER IS "O"AND THEN I LIKE "M."

"O", "O", "M."

OM, YOU SEE, THE SEXUAL ANDTHE SPIRITUAL UNITED AT ONCE.

OM, OM, OH, MY GOD.

SO WHAT DO YOU WRITE--LABELS?

DO YOU WRITE NOVELS, NOVELLAS,MATCHBOOK COVERS, STREET SIGNS?

QU'EST-CE QUE C'EST, VOTRE PEN, MAMA?

( laughter )

WHAT DO YOU WRITE?

NONFICTIONAND SCREENPLAYS.

SPREADING YOURSELF A BIT THIN,DON'T YOU THINK?

WHAT AN ARTISTIC CROWD:GUITAR MAN--

PERHAPS HE CAN DO THE SCOREFOR YOUR NEXT FEATURE.

EVER SOLD A SCREENPLAY?

NO.

WELCOME TO HOLLYWOOD.

EVEN DOGS AREWRITING SCREENPLAYS.

"COME ON."

( barking )

"HE'S DOING REWRITES."

ARE YOU AN ARTIST-WRITERAS WELL?

NO, I'M TALKING TO THE PEOPLE

THAT LIVE DEEPINSIDE YOUR PANCREAS.

I'M STANDING DIRECTLYIN FRONT OF A WOMAN.

I'M SPEAKING AT HER FACE.

IN ADDITION,I HAVE ELECTRICAL EQUIPMENT

THAT AMPLIFIES MY VOICEAND SHE SAYS, "ME?"

WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU THINKI'M TALKING TO YOU?

WHAT POMPOUS RIDICULOUS WORLDHATH BROUGHT YOU UP

TO THINK SUCH FOOLISH THINGS?

I'M ACTUALLY ADDRESSINGTHE PEOPLE OF EL SALVADOR.

YOU ARE MERELY A CONDUITFOR MY MAGNIFICENT VERBIAGE.

( speaking pretend Spanish )

( wild applause )

"ME?"

"ME?"

"ME?"

"NO, NOT YOU."

AND HOW ABOUT YOU

MY LOVELY YOUNG BLONDEFLEVICKIMOUS WONGO WOMAN?

YOU'RE A WHAT?

"I'M WHATEVER YOU WANTYOU TO BE?"

HOW ABOUT A KNEEPAD SALESWOMAN?

( hooting and applause )

WAIT.

I MEANT THAT STRICTLYIN THE SENSE OF SPORTING GOODS--

WRESTLING, LIKE HULK HOGAN.

YOU PEOPLE ARE DEBAUCHED BUTTHAT'S OKAY I CAN UNDERSTAND IT.

NO, JUST TELL MEWHAT YOU REALLY DO.

I WORK FOR THE FILM MARKET.

FOR THEFILM MARKET?

FILM ON YOUR TEETH OR FOTOMAT?

POST.

YOU KNOW, THEY ACTUALLYHAD MEETINGS ABOUT THIS.

"SHOULD IT BE DRAPED?"

"NO, IT'S BETTER OFF THIS SIDE."

"TO THE RIGHT?"

"NO, IT'S FUNNIER OVER HERE.

"BUT IF WE TURNED IT A LITTLE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, LOU?"

"LARRY, I DON'T KNOW.

"I LIKE THE PHALLUS,THE CRYSTAL, IT'LL BE BETTER.

"AND THIS IS GOOD.

THIS IS LIKE A TRIBUTE TO PRINCEAND HENDRIX AT THE SAME TIME."

THIS SET IS SO BUSY.

IT'S LIKE UNBELIEVABLE.

IT'S BUSY, BUSY, BUSY, BUSY.

( laughter )

BY THE WAY, THIS ISTHE POPEIL POCKET BOOM STAND.

IT CAN ALSO BE USED

TO CREATE LITTLE LUGUBRIOUSBUTTER SUBSTANCES.

♪ I LIKE TO TALK TO PEOPLE

♪ SITTING AT MY SHOW

♪ BUT I BET IT'S THE LAST TIME

♪ THEY SIT IN THE FRONT ROW.

♪ GUITAR PLAYERWITH HIS HAIR OVER-MOUSSED ♪

♪ HE THINKS HE'SGOING TO MAKE IT BIG ♪

♪ BUT HIS NAME'S KIND OF LOOSE

♪ I THINK THAT MAYBE YOU SHOULDTRY SOMETHING NOT SO FAR ♪

♪ SOMETHING DIFFERENTTHAN INK CINEMA. ♪

♪ WRITER GIRL,WRITE YOUR WORLD ♪

♪ NONFICTION SCREENPLAYSWILL SELL MAYBE ONE DAY ♪

♪ IF YOU REMEMBERTO HAVE ACTION ♪

♪ AND LOTS OF NAKED WOMENON THE SCREEN. ♪

( cheering and applause )

YOU GUYS IN BED TONIGHT,YOU GO HOME

YOU'LL MAKE LOVE-- FABULOUS.

I HAVE LOWEREDMY EXPECTATIONS SEXUALLY.

I DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENSAT BED ANYMORE

AS LONG AS I DON'T MAKEANY GRAMMATICAL ERRORS.

WHEN YOU GET OLDERYOU GET SCARED AND...

YOU KNOW, ORGASMS ARE IMPORTANTBUT I BASICALLY TELL MY LOVERS

TO ALLOW SIX TO EIGHT WEEKSFOR DELIVERY.

AND IF THAT'S NOT--HEY, CALL MY BANKER.

WE CAN WORK OUT, YOU KNOW,ORGASM BALLOON PAYMENTS.

THAT CAN HAPPEN.

THE THING IS,MEN UNFORTUNATELY--

OR FORTUNATELY--

THERE'S THIS THING HERETHAT HANGS AND YOU HAVE TO...

YOU'RE HOT OR YOU'RE NOT.

AND YOU NEED TO BE HOT IN BEDOR IT'S OVER AND I, I, I...

I ASKED HERTO CALL ME BY, YOU KNOW--

I NEED HEAT LIKE, "TAKE ME,WANT ME, LICK ME"-- I NEED HEAT.

AND SHE CALLED MEBY A TERM OF ENDEARMENT--

SHE SAID, "TAKE ME, LICK ME,WANT ME, LITTLE GOOBER."

SHE CALLED ME "LITTLE GOOBER."

I INSISTED ON KING OF KINGS.

IS THAT TOO MUCH, KING OF KINGS?

IS THAT REALLY TOO MUCH?

I WAS COMPLETELY NAKED

AND THE MAID WALKS IN...

FINALLY.

YOU EVER DATING ANYONE ANDYOU THINK THEY'RE NORMAL

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN THEY START,LIKE, FREAKING OUT ON YOU.

YOU KNOW, THEY START YELLING,"UNTIE ME!"

( laughter )

MEN AND WOMEN,WE HAVE SUCH DIFFERENT TASTES

LIKE IN TELEVISION.

LIKE I LIKE A SHOWLIKE STAR TREK.

YOU KNOW, I THINKMEN LIKE STAR TREK.

YOU KNOW, I'M NOTA TREKKIE OR ANYTHING.

YOU KNOW, I GOT THE PAJAMAS.

I THINK I LIKE PAJAMASBECAUSE WHEN I WAS A KID

MY FAMILY WOULD GOTO THE DRIVE-IN.

WE'D ALL GET INTO OUR PAJAMAS.

MY MOM WOULD BE IN A NEGLIGEE.

MY DAD WOULD BE NAKEDWEARING A MASK.

( laughter )

THINGS ARE SODIFFERENT THESE DAYS.

EVERYTHING'S AN ADDICTION NOW.

YOU NOTICE THAT?

THEY EVEN HAVE SEX ADDICTS.

PEOPLE WHO ARE ADDICTED TO SEXAND THEY GO TO MEETINGS

FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE TRYINGNOT TO HAVE SEX.

I WENT TO ONE.

I FIGURED IT'S ONEOF THE FEW PLACES

WHERE I COULD GO AND BE ADMIRED.

EVERYBODY'S GOING,"HOW DO YOU DO IT?"

"IT'S BEEN HOW LONG?"

TELL YOU, ONE THING

I'VE ALWAYS HAD THIS FANTASYTO MAKE LOVE WITH TWO WOMEN

YOU KNOW, IN THE SAME YEAR.

WOMEN CRITICIZE MEN FOR LIKINGBIG BREASTS, YOU KNOW

BUT I THINKIT'S JUST A NATURAL THING.

I THINK WE'RE JUST TRYINGTO GET BACK THAT TIME

WHEN WE'RE BABIES AND,YOU KNOW, A BREAST WAS LIKE...

( laughter )

AND WOMEN RESENT ITIF YOU KEEP GLANCING DOWN

WHEN YOU'RE TALKING TO THEM

ESPECIALLY IF THEY'REWEARING SOMETHING LOW-CUT.

THERE'S ALWAYSTHAT CHALLENGE TO, YOU KNOW.

AND THEY NEVER REALLYACKNOWLEDGE THOUGH

THEIR ROLE IN THIS PHENOMENON.

YOU KNOW, IT'S A FASHIONSTATEMENT... OR IT'S HOT.

"WHAT AM I GOING TO WEARIF IT'S HOT?"

BUT MEN COULD NEVER DO THAT.

YOU KNOW, MEN COULDNEVER WALK AROUND

WITH, LIKE, MAYBE HALFA TESTICLE DANGLING OUT.

( laughter )

"WANT TO MAKE SOME EYE CONTACTFOR A MINUTE, PLEASE?"

( laughter )

WE'D BE ARRESTED, YOU KNOW.

"BUT IT'S HOT."

( laughter )

THIS EVER HAPPEN TO YOU?

YOU EVER MAKING LOVEWITH A WOMAN--

AND THIS IS MOSTLY FOR THE MEN--

( laughter )

AND AFTERWARDS YOU SAY,"WELL, DID YOU, UH...

YOU KNOW?"

"DID YOU?"

AND SHE SAYS,"COULDN'T YOU TELL?"

BUT I MEAN, HOW ARE YOUSUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT WAS IT?

YOU KNOW, MAYBE SHE WAS FIGHTINGOFF A SNEEZE OR SOMETHING.

I MEAN, YOU KNOWWHEN A MAN IS FINISHED.

YOU KNOW, HE STOPS.

( laughter )

AND LEAVES.

( laughter and applause )

ALTHOUGH SOME WOMENMAKE IT REALLY CLEAR.

YOU KNOW, THEY LET OUTA WILD, PASSIONATE SCREAM

WHICH I'VE READ ABOUT.

( laughter )

AND WOMEN MAKE SIMILAR SOUNDSFOR PLEASURE AS THEY DO FOR PAIN

WHEN THEY'RE MAKING LOVE.

IT CAN BE KIND OF CONFUSING.

YOU EVER FIND THAT?

KIND OF LIKE: ( panting )

"OH, DID THAT FEEL GOOD?"

"NO, IT HURTS, STOP IT."

( squeals )

"OH, SORRY."

"NO, I LIKED IT.

DO IT AGAIN."

"AH, AH..."

"WHAT?"

"CHOO."

( laughter and applause )

BECAUSE MEN AREN'T THAT VOCAL.

YOU KNOW, AT LEAST, I UH...

LIKE I KNEW THIS ONE GIRL--

SHE'D SAY TO ME, YOU KNOW,"YOU NEVER SAY ANYTHING.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW,YOU KNOW."

SO I'M TRYING.

WE'RE MAKING LOVE ANDI'M GOING, "ALL RIGHT."

"GOOD ONE."

"WHEEEE."

"REMEMBER THE ALAMO."

"HIGH FIVE."

THESE ARE STRANGE TIMESWE LIVE IN.

THEY SAY NOW YOU SHOULD USEA CONDOM FOR ORAL SEX AS WELL.

WHAT'S HAPPENING TO THIS WORLD?

I CAN'T WAITFOR THE COMMERCIALS.

"NEW TROJANS, WITH RETSYN."

( laughter )

"IT'S A CONDOM."

"IT'S A MINT."

( laughter )

"IT'S A CONDOMINT."

( laughter and applause )

MET THIS ONE GIRL RECENTLY,AND WE WENT BACK TO MY PLACE

AND SHE TOOK OFF ALL HER CLOTHES

AND I WENT TO KISS HER

AND SHE SAID, "NOT SO FAST."

( laughter )

SHE SAID A WOMAN SHOULDBE ABLE TO WALK AROUND NAKED

AND A MAN SHOULDN'T DO ANYTHINGUNLESS HE HAS PERMISSION.

SHE SAID SHE SAW IT ON OPRAH.

I SAID, "WELL, I WATCH GERALDO SO BEND OVER.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

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