Charles Fleischer & Stevie Ray Fromstein

  • Season 1, Ep 0116
  • 02/24/1992

I'M 44 AND I FEEL LIKEI MIGHT NOW HAVE TO...

I WENT TO THE DOCTOR.

I SAID, "GEE, THERE'S NO ONEIN MY LIFE AND, UH...

CHECK OUT, YOU KNOW,CAN I HAVE A CHILD?"

AND HE SAYS, "WELL, YOUR SPERMMIGHT NEED TRAINING WHEELS

TO GET TO THE..."

MAYBE I'LL DO ONE OF THOSEMICK JAGGER DEALS.

I CANNOT EVEN IMAGINE--

YOU KNOW, WATCHING FATHER KNOWS BEST MY WHOLE LIFE--

HAVING ONE OF THOSE FAMILIESMARRYING A MODEL FROM SWEDEN

AND SEEING MY SON EVERY FIVEYEARS, UH, MY SON, SVENSON.

"I'M SVENSON LEWIS.

MY FATHER WANTS METO BE A KOSHER CATERER."

AND I NEED TIME.

OLD MEN NEEDTIME, YOU KNOW.

AND I PLAY ONE OF MY FAVORITESONGS FROM THE BEATLES--

I DON'T KNOWIF IT'S THE WHITE ALBUM--

BUT JUST SO I CAN MAKE SURE

I'M GOING TO BE THEREAT THE MOMENT OF PASSION

I PLAY NUMBER NINE,NUMBER NINE...

SO THAT GIVES ME ABOUT AN HOUR,HOUR AND A HALF

JUST TO MAKE SURE THINGSARE GOING TO WORK OUT AND UH...

AND WHEN THINGSAREN'T WORKING OUT

I KNOW IT'S A DRAG,YOU KNOW, FOR MY LOVER

SO I HIRE A BARBER SHOP QUARTETTO COME IN AND SING

♪ HE'LL GET AROUSED,HE'LL GET AROUSED... ♪

( laughter )

I THINK THE LOW POINTFOR ME MAKING LOVE

ABOUT A MONTH AGO I SAID

"HEY, THIS ORGASM'S FOR YOU!"

AND THAT WAS REALLY, YOU KNOW...

BUT HEY, I'M NOT PROUD OF IT.

I'M NOT PROUD OF IT,BUT I'M LEARNING, I'M LEARNING.

YOU GUYS IN BED TONIGHT,YOU GO HOME

YOU'LL MAKE LOVE-- FABULOUS.

I HAVE LOWEREDMY EXPECTATIONS SEXUALLY.

I DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENSAT BED ANYMORE

AS LONG AS I DON'T MAKEANY GRAMMATICAL ERRORS.

WHEN YOU GET OLDERYOU GET SCARED AND...

YOU KNOW, ORGASMS ARE IMPORTANTBUT I BASICALLY TELL MY LOVERS

TO ALLOW SIX TO EIGHT WEEKSFOR DELIVERY.

AND IF THAT'S NOT--HEY, CALL MY BANKER.

WE CAN WORK OUT, YOU KNOW,ORGASM BALLOON PAYMENTS.

THAT CAN HAPPEN.

THE THING IS,MEN UNFORTUNATELY--

OR FORTUNATELY--

THERE'S THIS THING HERETHAT HANGS AND YOU HAVE TO...

YOU'RE HOT OR YOU'RE NOT.

AND YOU NEED TO BE HOT IN BEDOR IT'S OVER AND I, I, I...

I ASKED HERTO CALL ME BY, YOU KNOW--

I NEED HEAT LIKE, "TAKE ME,WANT ME, LICK ME"-- I NEED HEAT.

AND SHE CALLED MEBY A TERM OF ENDEARMENT--

SHE SAID, "TAKE ME, LICK ME,WANT ME, LITTLE GOOBER."

SHE CALLED ME "LITTLE GOOBER."

I INSISTED ON KING OF KINGS.

IS THAT TOO MUCH, KING OF KINGS?

IS THAT REALLY TOO MUCH?