April 2, 2014 - Dan Harris

  • 04/02/2014

A U.N. report warns of devastating climate change, Tennessee seeks new death penalty drugs, aging tech workers resort to plastic surgery, and Dan Harris talks "10% Happier."

>> Stephen: WELCOME, GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

THANK YOU.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Stephen: ANYBODY OUT THERE

WHO KNOWS ME KNOWS THAT I'M A WELL KNOWN OUTDOORSMAN.

I'M OUT THERE TWICE A DAY.

AND OF COURSE, I LOVE MOTHER EARTH.

JUST LIKE THE WISE NATIVE AMERICANS WITH THE BUFFALO.

I BELIEVE THAT WE SHOULD EXPLOIT EVERY PART OF THE

PLANET.

THERE'S STILL A COUPLE OF ANIMALS I HAVEN'T WORN AS SHOE

YET. I'M JUST SAYING MEERKATSWOULD MAKE GREAT COMFORT

INSOLES.

BUT NOW THE GLOBAL WARMING WHINERS AT THE U.N. RELEASED A

REPORT THAT WILL RAISE THE URINE LEVELS IN YOUR PANTS.

DIRE WARNING. THE PREDICTIONTHAT CLIMATE CHANGE COULD

DESTABILIZE HUMAN SOCIETY.

>> A NEW UNITED NATIONS REPORT RAISED THE THREAT OF CLIMATE

CHANGE TO A WHOLE NEW LEVEL.

>> SCIENTISTS SAY WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.

>> FOOD AND WATER SHORTAGES.

FLOODS, DROUGHTS.

WILDFIRES AND CYCLONES.

>> DOGS AND CATS LIVING TOGETHERMASS HYSTERIA

THANK YOU, DOCTOR VENKMAN>> Stephen: THE REPORT CLAIMS

THAT THE PROBLEMS ARE SO BAD THEY ADDED A NEW LEVEL OF RISK

THEIR DANGER CHART.

THE HIGH COLOR BLAZING RED NOW GOES TO VERY HIGH COLOR

PURPLE.

OBVIOUSLY HIGH WASN'T ACTUALLY THAT HIGH.

SO WHY SHOULD WE BELIEVE THAT VERY HIGH IS HIGH.

CALL ME WHEN IT REACHES ULTRAVIOLET.

AND YES THE HUMAN EYE CAN'T SEE THAT.

BUT WE'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION ANYWAY.

AND WE'RE NEVER GOING TO.

AT LEAST ACCORDING TO A MUCH MORE OPTIMISTIC STUDY PUT OUT

BY MY FAVORITE ENVIRONMENTAL GROUP, EXXON MOBIL.

IN A REPORT TO SHAREHOLDERS RELEASED THE

EXACT SAME DAY AS THE U.N. REPORT, EXXON ACKNOWLEDGED THE

NEED TO ADDRESS CLIMATE CHANGEBUT CONCLUDED THE GOVERNMENTS

ARE HIGHLY UNLIKELY TO ADOPT POLICY THAT IS CUT EMISSIONS.

EXXON KNOWS WHAT THEY'RE TALKINGABOUT, BECAUSE THE COMPANY

CONTRIBUTES $20 MILLION A YEAR TO THE AMERICAN PETROLEUM

INSTITUTE WHICH LOBBIES AGAINST CLIMATE CHANGE

LEGISLATION.

YOU SEE, THE GOVERNMENT IN ACTION INCREASES EXXON SHARE

PRICE.

EXXON THEN USES THAT MONEY TO INFLUENCE POLITICIANS.

IT'S A PHENOMENON CALLED THE GREEN HOUSE EFFECT.

[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: ALSO, THE GREENSENATE EFFECT. THEY SPREAD ITAROUND.

FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I LOVE CAPITAL PUNISHMENT.

IT SENDS A CLEAR MESSAGE THAT WE AS A SOCIETY THINK IT'S

DEPRAVED TO TAKE A HUMAN LIFE, AND TO PROVE IT, WE'RE

GOING TO KILL YOU.

THAT'S WHY I WAS SWOLLEN WITH PRIDE WHEN I SAW THIS FROM THE

CHATTANOOGA FREE PRESS.

TENNESSEE IS SEEKING EXECUTION DATES FOR 10 DEATH ROW

INMATES.

IT'S AN UNPRECEDENTED MOVE FOR A STATE THAT'S EXECUTED ONLY

SIX INMATES SINCE 1960.

ONE OFFICIAL SAYS THEY'VE NEVER SEEN 10 EXECUTION DATES

ALL AT ONCE.

>> Stephen: YOU HAVE TO DO 10 AT ONCE.

THAT'S HOW YOU GET THE FREE SUB.

>> TENNESSEE HAD TO HALT ALL EXECUTIONS IN 2011, BECAUSE

THE ITALIAN CHEMICAL COMPANY THAT MADE THEIR LETHAL DRUG OF

CHOICE.

SODIUM PENTOBARBITAL STOPPED PRODUCING IT AFTER TENNESSEE

COULDN'T GUARANTEE IT WOULDN'T BE USED FOR CAPITAL PUNISHMENT

EVEN THOUGH THEY SAID IT WOULD ONLY BE USED AS AN INCREDIBLY

EFFECTIVE COUGH SUPPRESSANT.

AND THE SCARCITY OF LETHAL INJECTION DRUGS HAS FORCED

STATESTO SCRAMBLE FOR SUBSTITUTES.

IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU RUN OUT OF HALF AND HALF AND HAVE TO PUT

SKIM IN YOUR COFFEE.

JUST KILL ME NOW.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Stephen: A LOT OF DEATH

PENALTY FANS IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT.

THESE SUBSTITUTE DRUGS HAVE MADE CAPITAL PUNISHMENT SEEM

UNUSUALLY CRUEL.

AFTER A KNOW AN OKLAHOMA INMATE WAS INJECTED HIS FINAL

WORDS I FEEL MY WHOLE BODY BURNING.

BIG DEAL, I YELL THAT ALL THE TIME IN HOT YOGA.

AND DURING AN OHIO EXECUTION IN JANUARY, THE PRISONER MADE

SNORTING AND CHOKING SOUNDS FOR10 MINUTES AND TOOK

25 MINUTES TO DIE, WHICH IS PARTICULARLY

DISTURBING BECAUSE A LOT OF THESE EXECUTIONS DON'T START

UNTIL MIDNIGHT, AND HELLO, SOME OF US HAVE TO GET UP IN

THE MORNING.

FORTUNATELY, TENNESSEE HAS FOUND A WAY AROUND THE PUBLIC

LETHAL INJECTIONS, AND IT'S THE SUBJECT OF TONIGHT'S WORD

[APPLAUSE]FOLKS, THESE BOTCHED LETHAL

INJECTIONS ALL SHARE ONE FUNDAMENTAL PROBLEM.

THE PROBLEM IS THE PUBLIC HEARD ABOUT THEM.

BUT A NEW LAW IN TENNESSEE ALLOWS THE STATE TO WITHHOLD

ALL KINDS OF INFORMATION FROM THE PUBLIC, INCLUDING THE TYPE

OF DRUGS THAT THEY PLAN TO USE.

YOU SEE, IF THEY KEEP IT SECRET, THEY COULD USE

ANYTHING.

SODIUM PENTOBARBITAL, SODIUM AND BARBOSOL.

DIET COKE AND MENTOS.

THE CINNAMON CHALLENGE.

THE NEW LAW ALSO ALLOWS TENNESSEE TO NEVER DISCLOSE

WHO THE DRUG MANUFACTURER IS, WHICH IS VERY IMPORTANT,

BECAUSE THE NEW DRUG THEY WANT TO USE, SODIUM PENTOBARBITAL,

IS NOT AVAILABLE FROM ANY LEGAL DRUG MANUFACTURER.

AND YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO GET QUALITY PRODUCT WHEN THE

SLOGAN IS, DON'T TELL ANYONE WHERE YOU GOT THIS.

BUT NO WORRIES, FOLKS.

[ APPLAUSE ]NO WORRIES.

BECAUSE A SPOKESPERSON FOR THE TENNESSEE DEPARTMENT OF

CORRECTIONS SAYS WE ARE CONFIDENT WE WILL BE ABLE TO

SECURE THE DRUG WHEN NECESSARY.

YES, THEY WILL BE ABLE TO GET THE DRUG, EITHER FROM A

REPUTABLE LICENSED PHARMACIST OR FROM A GUY LOITERING UNDER

THE OVERPASS.

OF COURSE, SOME OUTSIDE AGITATORS CALLED "THE PEOPLE

THEY'RE GOING TO EXECUTE" ARE DEMANDING TO KNOW WHAT'S BEING

INJECTED INTO THEM.

YOU SEE, ACCORDING TO THEIR LAWYERS, THE PEOPLE HAVE A

RIGHT TO KNOW THE DEPARTMENT OF CORRECTIONS ISN'T TORTURING

CITIZENS USING PUBLIC FUNDS.

RIGHT.

BECAUSE THAT'S THE CIA'S JOB.

[ APPLAUSE ]WELL, THE PUBLIC EVENTUALLY

MAY HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW, BUT WHAT ABOUT MY RIGHT OF I'D

RATHER NOT KNOW.

NOW FORTUNATELY, TENNESSEE'S LAW ALSO MAKE ITS IMPOSSIBLE

TO KNOW EXACTLY WHO WILL CARRY OUT THE EXECUTIONS.

OH, OH, THAT MAKES CAPITAL PUNISHMENT INTO A FUN GAME OF

WHODUNIT>> AND IT'S GREAT, BECAUSE

AMERICANS SUPPORT THE DEATH PENALTY, BUT DON'T WANT TO

KNOW HOW THE SAUSAGE IS MADE.

BY THE WAY, UNTIL WE KNOW HOW THEY'RE KILLING PEOPLE, I'D

STAY AWAY FROM TENNESSEE SAUSAGE.

[APPLAUSE]THE STORY ABOUT SECRECY OF

EXECUTION IS NOTHING KNEW, ONE OF THE TENNESSEE LAWYERS

ARGUED THE STATE'S INTEREST IN KEEPING IT SECRET IS SETTLED.

THE PROCESS OFWEARING HOODS AT EXECUTIONS

HAS BEEN AROUND SINCE THE MIDDLE AGES.

TENNESSEE JUST WANTS TO TAKE THE SYSTEM BACK TO THE MIDDLE

AGES.

BUT EVEN WITH ALL THE SECRECY[APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: THERE IS STILL SOMETHING THAT MAKES PEOPLE

UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT STRAPPING A GUY TO A TABLE AND WATCHING

HIM DIE.

THE GUY ON THE TABLE.

WHY DO WE HAVE TO KNOW WHO HE IS, IT PUTS A HUMAN FACE ON

HUMANS WITH FACES.

THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD TELL US THEY CAUGHT A BAD GUY, AND

MADE SURE HE WAS BAD WITH A JUDGE OR WHATEVER, AND ONCE

JUSTICE IS SERVED, PUT HIM UP ON A SCOREBOARD OUTSIDE THE

PRISON.

OR BETTER YET, JUST KEEP EXECUTING PEOPLE THE WAY WE DO

NOW, BUT INSTEAD OF BLINDFOLDING THE PRISONER,

BLIND FOLD THE PUBLIC, AND THAT'S THE WORD. WE'LL BE RIGHTBACK.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY, THANKS SO MUCH.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU KNOW, I LOVE

SILICON VALLEY. IT'S AN INNOVATIVE TECH UTOPIA WHERE YOU

CAN SEAMLESS YOUR DINNER, WRITE ON YOUR GLASS FROM INSIDE YOUR

UBER, WHILE IGNORING THE HOBOWHO'S DOWNLOADING ON TO A

WALL.

I WAS DISTURBED TO LEARN THAT MANY OF TECHS BRIGHTEST MINDS

ARE FOCUSING ON THE PAST.

>> THERE'S A PLASTIC SURGERY BOOM, NOW SILICON VALLEY IS

PLACING A HUGE PREMIUM ON YOUTH, AND IT HAS MEN OVER 30

TURNING TO DOCTORS TO KEEP THEM YOUNG.

>> BASICALLY, IF YOU HIT 30, YOU'RE NO GOOD FOR ANY OF

THESE TECH COMPANIES.

>> Stephen: YES.

WHAT YOU WANT IS SOMEBODY WHO IS DROPPED OFF BY THEIR

PARENTS AND THEN ASKS YOU TO BUY THEM BEER.

BUT HOW CAN INVESTORS TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN EMPTY

32-YEAR-OLD HUSK, AND SOMEONE WITH A FUTURE.

FOR ALL WE KNOW, THIS GUY IS A SENIOR CITIZEN WITH CHEEK

IMPLANTS AND A HOODY THROWN ON TO A HOUSE COAT.

HAVE YOU EVER MET ANYONE UNDER 70 NAMED MARK ZUCKERBERG.

AND THIS AFFECTS ME PERSONALLY.

I WAS IN ON THE GROUND FLOOR OF TUMBLER, RAPTR, FLICKR, AND

HARVSTR, WHICHSCOURS THE INTERNET COLLECTING

OTHER START-UPS FOR E RESALE.

NOW LUCKILY, I'VE GOT EXCELLENT YOUTHDAR, AND I'VE

GOT A PITCH RIGHT NOW WITH A YOUNG GENIUS, WHO HAS

SILICON VALLEY'S NEXT BILLION DOLLAR IDEA.

GLEN, GET OUT HERE.

[ APPLAUSE ]GOOD TO SEE YOU.

HASHTAG HELLO, STEPHEN.

WE'RE DOING YOUTH SPEAK.

>> HELLO.0, AND @MIDNIGHT BACK TO YOU, GLEN. I CAN TELL BY

THAT HIP FACIAL HAIR AND RAZORSCOOTER THAT YOU ARE SUPER

YOUNG, BUT I WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU HAVEN'T HAD PLASTIC

SURGERY JUST TO TRICK ME.

NAME A COOL BAND I'VE NEVER HEARD OF.

>> DO YOU KNOW AMPERSAN CRUSH.

HELIO BARN?

HOW ABOUT RUBY, DONKEY DONKEY DONKEY.

>> Stephen: THREE DONKEYS?

I NEVER HEARD OF THAT.

OKAY, YOU'RE YOUNG.

WHAT DISRUPTIVE DIGITAL BREAKTHROUGH HAVE YOU COOKED

UP IN THAT MILLENNIAL BRAIN OF YOURS.

>> HOLD ON TO YOUR ECIGARRETTEINTRODUCING SNAP SHIRT.

IT KEEPS YOUR COLLAR STRAIGHT WHILE STREAMING DATA TO YOUR

SMART PHONE ABOUT HOW YOUR COLLAR ISN'T BENDING.

>> Stephen: OKAY, OKAY.

I'M INTRIGUED.

HOW IS IT MONETIZED?

>> LET'S SAY BIT COIN.

>> Stephen: I'VE HEARD OF THAT.

I'VE HEARD OF THAT.

SO WHAT'S YOUR ROLL OUT PLAN WE'RE GOING TO POST IT

ALL OVER SOCIAL MEDIA FROM CHRISTIAN MINGLE TO THE ELK

LODGE.

>> Stephen: SOLD, SOLD.

HERE'S $10 MILLION.

[APPLAUSE]THANKS BRO, SEE YOU IN URBAN

OUTFITTERS.

GLEN, EVERYBODY.

I'M GOING TO BE RICH. WE'LL BERIGHT BACK.

[APPLAUSE]>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK. MY

GUEST IS AN ABC JOURNALIST WHO HAS A NEW BOOK ABOUT TAMING

THE VOICE IN HIS HEAD.

LET'S SEE IF HE CAN TAME THE VOICE IN MY MOUTH.

PLEASE WELCOME DAN HARRIS.

[APPLAUSE]SIT DOWN, THERE YOU GO.

ALL RIGHT.

THERE'S A FEW PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO MAY NOT KNOW THAT YOU'RE

THE EMMY AND AWARD WINNING JOURNALIST, THE CO-HOST OF

"NIGHTLINE", AND THE WEEKEND ANCHOR OF GOOD MORNING

AMERICA.

YOU REPORTED ON COMBAT FROM AFGHANISTAN AND MADE SIX TRIPS

TO IRAQ.

YOUR NEW BOOK IS CALLED 10% HAPPIER.

HOW I TAMED THE VOICE IN MY HEAD AND REDUCED STRESS

HOW IT ACTUALLY WORKS, A TRUE STORY.

I'M AFRAID THAT'S ALL WE HAVE TIME FOR.

THANKS FOR COMING.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Stephen: NOW WHAT DOES 10%

HAPPIER MEAN?

>> WELL, I SPENT A LOT OF TIMEIN THE RESEARCH OF THIS BOOK

HANGING AROUND WITH SELF-HELP GURUS WHO SAID YOU COULD SOLVE

YOUR PROBLEMS THROUGH THEPOWER OF POSITIVE THINKING

>> Stephen: WHY CAN'T YOU?

>> IT'S IMPOSSIBLE. CAN YOU?

>> Stephen: YES, I'M COOL.

I USED TO NOT BE HAPPY ALL THE TIME, AND THEN I GREW A PAIR

AND MANNED UP.

[LAUGHS]>> THAT'S AWESOME.

>> Stephen: MEN TAKE THE BADFEELINGS AND STUFF IT DOWN

UNTIL OUR HEARTS EXPLODE AT 53.

>> YOU JUST MADE MY CASE FOR ME.

>> Stephen: LET'S TALK ABOUT THEIMPETUS FOR THIS.

YOU'D BEEN EMBEDDED WITH THE TROOPS IN AFGHANISTAN.

YOU'D BEEN THERE FOR FIRE FIGHTS.

YOU CAME BACK, AND FELT THE STRESS OF THAT.

YOU HAD A PANIC ATTACK ON AIR.

WHAT DID THAT FEEL LIKE?

WHAT SHOW WAS IT?

>> GOOD MORNING AMERICA.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY ON GOOD MORNING

AMERICA.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: SO WHAT CAME OVER YOU?

>> MY HEART WAS RACING, PALMS SWEATING, AND I COULDN'T TALK.

I WAS HALFWAY THROUGH SIX STORIES I WAS SUPPOSED TO

READ, AND I HAD TO BAIL AND SEND IT BACK.

>> Stephen: YOU WERE EXPERIMENTING WITH

NON-PRESCRIPTION DRUGS?

>> YES.

>> AFTER THE WAR ZONES I GOT DEPRESSED, AND IN AN ACT OF

TOWERING STUPIDITYWAS

EXPERIMENTING WITH COCAINE AND ECSTASY, WHICH RAISES THE

LEVEL OF ADRENALINE IN THE BRAIN AND CAUSED A PANIC

ATTACK.

>> Stephen: ON ECSTASY, DID YOU HAVE A

PACIFIER IN YOUR MOUTH AND A GLOW STICKS?

WHAT DID YOU THINK -- HOW DID YOU THINK THAT WOULD HELP.

>> YOU'RE MAKING ME REALIZE I DID IT WRONG.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Stephen: THAT'S GOOD.

OKAY.

SO THEN THE LATE GREAT PETER JENNINGS PUT YOU ON THE RELIGION

BEAT AFTER THAT.

>> RIGHT.

>> Stephen: WHAT RELIGION HELPED YOU?

DID YOU FIND JESUS?

>> I MET A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN JESUS AND WAS MOVED

BY THEIR STORYS.

NOTHING SPOKE TO ME PERSONALLY, BUT I DID

ULTIMATELY FIND MEDITATION.

>> Stephen: WHAT RELIGION DID YOU FIND MEDITATION?

>> BUDDHIST MEDITATION.

>> Stephen: AND WILL THAT MEDITATION BE SOMETHING THAT

HELPS YOU WHEN YOU'RE EVENTUALLY SENT TO HELL?

[LAUGHTER] YOU SIT THERE IN THE FIRE LIKE

THIS.

IT'S A GOOD START.

BUT FOR 10% MORE HAPPINESS, YOU'RE RISKING AN ETERNITY

OF DAMNATION.

>> I HESITATED SLIGHTLY ON THE BUDDHIST THING.

THE MEDITATION COMES OUT OF BUDDHISM, IT CAN CO-EXIST

WITH A BELIEF IN JESUS OR ANY OR NO FAITH.

>> Stephen: WHAT IS MEDITATION SUPPOSED TO DO FOR ME?

DOES IT HOLLOW YOU OUT AND MAKE YOU A SHELL OF A PERSON?

>> NO.

THAT'S THE STEREOTYPE.

THAT YOU HAVE TO BE DEEPLY INTO AROMATHERAPY.

SHAVE YOUR HEAD, LIVE SHOELESS.

NOT TRUE AT ALL.

IT'S SIMPLE BRAIN EXERCISE.

AND THE SUPER POWER IS IT GIVES YOU A DIFFERENT

RELATIONSHIP TO THE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD.

>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD?

>> THE INNER ANCHOR MAN JAMMERING AT YOU ALL DAY, AND

JUDGING, NOT WANTING, CASTING YOURSELF FORWARD INTO AN

IDEALIZED FUTURE OR REMEMBERING THE PAST AND NOT

FOCUSING ON WHAT'S HAPPENING >> Stephen: I'VE GOT A VOICE

IN MY HEAD AND IT'S TELLING ME YOU'RE GOING TO BE GREAT.

[ APPLAUSE ] OKAY SO HOW DO YOU MEDITATE

>> YOU WANT>> Stephen: SURE.

>> YOU GUYS WANT TO DO THIS TOO?

[APPLAUSE]>> IT'S VERY SIMPLE AND VERY

QUICK.

STEP ONE, SIT UP STRAIGHT ANDCLOSE YOUR EYES

SECOND STEP IS TO NOTICE WHERE YOU'RE FEELING YOUR BREATH

MOST PROMINENTLY, THE BELLY, NOSE OR CHEST, AND FEEL THE

BREATH COMING IN AND GOING OUT, AND EVERY TIME YOUR MIND

WANDERS, WHICH IT WILL,LIKE WHAT AM I GOING TO HAVE

FOR DINNER, AND WHY DID I SAY THAT TO MY BOSS, JUST CATCH

YOUR WANDERING, AND COME BACK TO THE BREATH.

AND YOU BREAK A LIFETIME OF HABIT OF WALKING AROUND IN A

DAYDREAM OF FUTURE AND PAST AND FOCUSING ON WHAT'S

HAPPENING NOW.

>> Stephen: AND YOU SAY THAT THIS IS GOING TO GIVE ME A

SUPER POWER?

>> YES.

>> Stephen: IT WILL?

WILL I HAVE HEAT VISION WHEN I OPEN MY EYES?

>> I HOPE NOT.

>> Stephen: THAT WAS PLEASANT.

IS SLEEPING THE SAME AS MEDITATING, BECAUSE I CAME VERY

CLOSE JUST NOW.

>> NOT A NEW PROBLEM.

FALLING ASLEEP IS SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE

MEDITATING.

>> Stephen: BUT YOU'RE A NEWSMANDO I REALLY WANT A NEWSMAN

TO BE HAPPY?

[LAUGHTER] BECAUSE THE WORLD IS ROUGH,

AND TERRIBLE THINGS HAPPEN.

DO I WANT A HIPPIE ZEN-LIKENEWSMAN INTERVIEWING

TERRORISTS SAYING DON'T WORRYABOUT IT BRO, WE'RE ALL ON OUR

OWN JOURNEYS>> THAT IS TO MISUNDERSTAND

MEDITATION.

MEDITATION DOESN'T MAKE YOU WHERE ANYBODY CAN WALK ALL

OVER YOU.

IT ENABLES YOU TO SEE CLEARLY WHAT'S HAPPENING IN YOUR HEAD.

>> Stephen: YOU CAN DEFEND YOURSELF STILL?

>> ABSOLUTELY.

I'M A SMALL MAN, A PUNCH MIGHT NOT HURT THE ATTACKER, BUT I

CAN DO IT>> Stephen: DO YOU FEEL LIKE

THROWING ONE RIGHT NOW?

>> AT YOU?

>> YEAH.

>> I'M WORRIED ABOUT THE HEAT VISION.

>> Stephen: I'LL KEEP MEDITATINGAND WE'LL SEE HOW IT GOES

DAN HARRIS, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

DAN HARRIS.

[APPLAUSE]10% HAPPIER.

TRY IT. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[APPLAUSE]>> Stephen: THANKS SO MUCH.

IN JUST A FEW SHORT MOMENTS, THIS BROADCAST WILL END, AND

THEN WHAT WILL YOU DO?

TALK TO YOUR KIDS?

IT'S MIDNIGHT.

WHY ARE YOUR KIDS STILL UP?

YOU'RE A TERRIBLE PARENT.

LUCKILY THERE'S A NEW WAY TO NEVER BE WITHOUT MY SHOW.

JUST DOWNLOAD THE NEW OFFICIAL APP WHICH

WORKS ON iPAD, iPHONE, AND FOR SOME REASON, THE 2003

MOTOROLA RAZOR.

WITH THE APP, YOU CAN WATCH EVERYTHING THIS NETWORK HAS TO

OFFER FROM THE LATEST EPISODES OF "COLBERT REPORT" TO

ARCHIVED EPISODES OF THE "COLBERT REPORT", PLUS YOU CAN

CATCH UP ON OTHER GREAT PROGRAMS LIKE SOUTHERN PARK,

HASHTAG TWELVE O' CLOCK,WORKPLACE COMEDY.

FUTURE SIMPSONS, AND OF COURSE, THE JOHN DALY SHOW.

IT'S A GREAT APP, AND I'D LIKE TO BE CLEAR, I HAVE ABSOLUTELY

NO CONTROL OVER WHAT GOES ON IT.

SO GET YOUR COPY WHEREVER FREE APPS ARE SOLD.

GOODNIGHT.

[APPLAUSE] Captioning sponsored by

COMEDY CENTRAL Captioned by

Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org