Comedy Central Presents
Season 8

CC Presents: Frank Caliendo

  • Season 8, Ep 4
  • 02/05/2004

Frank Caliendo: WHEW!

YAY, ME!

YAY, ME!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]

ALRIGHT.

I'M CHUBBY.

ALRIGHT.

YEAH, THAT GOTCHA.

IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE IN

NEW YORK.

I WAS IN UTAH A COUPLE MONTHS

AGO.

ANYBODY EVER BEEN TO UTAH

ON PURPOSE?

[LAUGHTER]

MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT UTAH IS,

THEY DON'T SWEAR THERE.

THEY USE REPLACEMENT WORDS.

YOU KNOW WHAT THOSE ARE?

REPLACEMENT WORDS?

IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A

REPLACEMENT WORD IS, YOU EVER

SEE A MOVIE ON TELEVISION

THAT DOESN'T BELONG ON

TELEVISION 'CAUSE IT GOT TOO

MUCH SWEARING IN IT, SO WHAT

THEY DO IS THEY TAKE OUT ALL

THE BAD WORDS, AND REPLACE IT

WITH THE MOST RIDICULOUS WORD

POSSIBLE?

THEY GOT ALL THESE TOUGH GUYS

RUNNING AROUND TRYING TO LOOK

GOING ON HERE?"

"YOU SHUT UP, YOU ICE CREAM

CONE."

"DID YOU CALL ME AN ICE CREAM

CONE?"

"YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT,

YOU GODDLE-DAMPIN'-FRUITIN

DUMPSUIT."

[LAUGHTER]

THESE PEOPLE DON'T SOUND MAD.

THEY SOUND HUNGRY.

GIVE 'EM A PIECE OF PIE.

THAT'S WHAT MY MOM USED

TO SAY.

EVERY TIME SOMETHING WRONG WHEN

I WAS A LITTLE KID, THERE'S MY

MOM.

SHE'S LIKE "HAVE A PIECE OF PIE.

HAVE A PIECE OF PIE, FRANKIE.

I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE

A PIECE OF PA-HO-HOO-HOO--"

APPARENTLY MY MOM SOUNDED

A LOT LIKE ADAM SANDLER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LOVE ADAM SANDLER 'CAUSE

HE CAN SING A SONG AND IT WON'T

MAKE SENSE.

HE'LL RHYME IT AT THE END.

PEOPLE WILL GIVE HIM A TON OF

MONEY.

I WANT THAT GIG.

I WANNA COME HERE AND SING,

[MIMICKING ADAM SANDLER]

♪ A SONG FOR ME

♪ A SONG FOR YOU

♪ LET'S HAVE A SONG

♪ IN A CANOE

THIS GUY IS BRILLIANT!

HERE'S $20 MILLION.

[AS ADAM] HEY, THANK YOU.

WOULD YOU LIKE A PIECE OF PIE?

SOME OF YOU GUYS ARE GETTING

THIS STUFF.

OTHER PEOPLE LIKE, "WHAT THE

FRUIT IS THIS GUY TALKING

ABOUT?"

SEE, CABLE DOESN'T DO THAT.

THEY BLEEP OUT THE WORDS,

LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT

THEY'RE SAYING.

YOU CAN'T READ THEIR LIPS,

WHICH IS BULL--

[LAUGHTER]

THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT THE--

GOING ON HERE?

THAT'S A BUNCH OF BULL[BLEEP]--"

GIVE THE GUY THE FINGER,

THEY BLUR IT OUT.

SITTING AT HOME GOING,

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S BEHIND

THERE, POSSIBLY A BANANA.

HE DID SAY, 'FRUIT YOU.'"

[LAUGHTER]

I WISH I COULD'VE DONE THAT WHEN

I WAS YOUNGER 'CAUSE MY MOM WAS

ALWAYS YELLING AT ME TO CLEAN MY

ROOM.

BE LIKE, "MOM, DON'T BE SUCH AN

--HOLE."

WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?

"NOTHING."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LOVE FOOTBALL SEASON

FOOTBALL SEASON, MY FAVORITE

TIME OF YEAR.

NOW, I DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT

THE TEAMS, AND I DON'T CARE

ABOUT THE PLAYERS.

I ONLY CARE ABOUT ONE PERSON

DURING FOOTBALL SEASON, MY IDOL,

JOHN MADDEN.

YEAH, SOME PEOPLE DON'T LIKE

HIM.

I LOVE JOHN MADDEN BECAUSE

HE MAKES ME FEEL SMART.

[LAUGHTER]

HE DOES.

JOHN MADDEN EXPLAINS THINGS IN

THE FOOTBALL GAME YOU ALREADY

KNOW.

HE DOESN'T GIVE YOU ANY NEW

INFORMATION.

HE JUST SAYS THE SAME THING IN

THE BEGINNING OF THE SENTENCE

THAT HE SAYS AT THE END OF THE

HE'LL SAY THINGS LIKE, "GREAT

FOOTBALL.

THIS IS ABOUT GREAT FOOTBALL.

YOU GOT GREAT FOOTBALL PLAYERS

PLAYING GREAT FOOTBALL.

THAT'S THE BEST KINDA FOOTBALL

TO PLAY.

BUT WHEN YOU GOT--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BUT WHEN GOT REGULAR PLAYERS

PLAYING GREAT FOOTBALL,

THAT IS RIGHT THERE, THAT'S

JUST REGULAR GREAT FOOTBALL."

THEN HE GOT THE MADDEN LAUGH,

"I NEED MY INHALER.

I'M OKAY."

IT'S LIKE MIKEY IN

"THE GOONIES, WHEN HE WAS

UNDERNEATH THE WISHING WELL.

[LAUGHTER]

HE'S SO RIDICULOUS, HE COULD

DRIVE A GUY TO DRINKING, WHICH

EXPLAINED PAT SOMMERALL'S

PROBLEM, DIDN'T IT?

[LAUGHTER]

DON'T GET ME WRONG.

I LOVE PAT SOMMERALL.

SHAME ON FOX AND ABC FOR

BREAKING UP THE BERT AND ERNIE

OF FOOTBALL.

SOMMERALL HAD THE GREATEST

VOICE OF ALL TIME.

NEVER USED IT, THOUGH.

IF YOU PLAY THE VIDEO GAME,

YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M

TALKING ABOUT, THOUGH.

GUY WOULD BE RUNNING DOWN

THE FIELD.

SOMMERALL COULD PAINT A

BEAUTIFUL PICTURE WITH THE

ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

"DID HE 20, DID HE 25?

THERE'S THE FLAG ON THE PLANK

AFC.

IF THE REFEREE IF HE

THROWS THE FLAG IN AND HE DIDN'T

MAKE A MISTAKE, THEN THERE'S

PROBABLY-- THERE IS PROBABLY

GONNA-- GONNA-- GONNA--

GONNA BE-- GONNA BE A PENALTY."

THANKS, JOHN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DID YOU EVER HEAR MADDEN

DO THIS?

HE'LL TAKE, LIKE, 35,

40 BILLION DIFFERENT THINGS,

THROW 'EM ALL INTO ONE SENTENCE

'CAUSE HE THINKS THEY GO

TOGETHER.

SOMMERALL NEVER SAID ANYTHING,

'CAUSE HE'D BEEN DRINKING

SINCE LAST SUNDAY.

SOME OF YOU GUYS KNOW THE

FEELING.

MATTED STUFF IN SENTENCES

TOGETHER LIKE SARDINES IN A CAN,

LIKE, "SOMETIMES YOU CAN TELL

THESE...

NOW YOU KNOW THERE WAS A TIME

NOW MICHAEL IRVIN A COUPLE

YEARS AGO I HAD A CRACK PIPE

ON THE SIDELINE.

YOU COULD TELL THAT WAS THE

KINDA THING.

AND HE IN A PLACE WITH THE

HELPFUL HARDWARE MAN, THERE'S

A RAINBOW OUT TODAY.

MET AT AN OUTBACK STEAK HOUSE.

I HAD A DR. PEPPER ON MY WAY

OVER TO RAINBOW WORKS.

YOU GOT THE SUN OVER HERE.

AND THERE'S A CLOUD OVER HERE

AND THEN THE RAIN COMES DOWN.

HEY, LOOK, THAT'S PRETTY RAIN.

AND THE SUN SHINES THROUGH IT.

THAT'S A RAY OF SUN, AND NOT

LIKE RAY ROMANO.

HEY, RAY ROMANO, THAT GUY'S

GOT A GOOD SHOW.

EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND.

I LIKE THE TALL GUY AT THE END

OF THE RAINBOW THERE IS A POT

OF GOLD AND A LEPRECHAUN,

HE'S LOOKING FOR HIS LUCKY

CHARMS.

AND BRETT FARB--

BRETT FARBER'S THE GREATEST

PLAYER IN THE WORLD.

I MEAN, [LAUGHS]

BRETT FARB-- YOU CAN CUT OFF

BOTH BRETT FARB'S ARMS AND BOTH

HIS LEGS, HE'D STILL BE THE BEST

TORSO IN FOOTBALL.

I MEAN, [LAUGHS] ONE TIME

BRETT FARB AND I WENT TO

ACE HARDWARE, WE MAKE SOME KEYS,

PUT 'EM IN A PILE, TRY AND

FIGURE OUT WHICH ONE OPENS UP

THE BUS.

I MEAN, THAT'S FIVE OR SIX HOURS

OF FUN RIGHT THERE.

THEN BRETT FARB ONE TIME--

BUT SEE, NO, HERE'S THE THING.

BRETT FARB ONE TIME, HE HAD A

DOG ON HIS LEG AND ONCE A

FARMER HAD A DOG.

AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O.

I LEARNED HOW TO SPELL BINGO

IN THIRD GRADE, I-N-G-O,

CLAP AND SAID THE B DOG WAS

LICKIN'.

HE GOT A RASH THERE AND WANTS

TO GET RID OF IT.

BOOM, TOUGH ACTING TENACTIN

WILL GET RID OF IT."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

Frank Caliendo: ANY FANS OF

THE PRESIDENT HERE?

[SCATTERED BOO'S]

COUPLE OF YOU, REST OF YOU,

THE DIXIE CHICKS?

IS THAT WHAT'S GOING ON?

I LOVE OUR PRESIDENT.

IT'S PRESIDENT BUSH, FOR THOSE

OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW WHO IT IS.

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE PRESIDENT BUSH.

I THINK IT'S GREAT WE HAVE

A PRESIDENT WHO SEEMS LIKE HE'S

ALREADY LOOKING DIRECTLY INTO

THE SUN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"DO ME A FAVOR AND HAND ME

A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES, 'CAUSE

I CAN'T SEE [BLEEP] RIGHT

NOW."

[LAUGHTER]

REMEMBER THAT SAYING HE GOT

WRONG, AS IF THERE WAS ONE?

HERE'S A GUY WHO'S

UNDERESTIMATING.

REMEMBER THAT ONE, LIKE--

"THERE'S AN OLD SAYING IN TEXAS,

WHICH I'M PRETTY SURE IS WHERE I

COME FROM."

[LAUGHTER]

FOR ME ONCE-- SH-- SHAME--

[BLEEP].

HOW MANY OF YOU THINK HE SAYS

THAT?

"[BLEEP], I CANNOT BELIEVE

I SAID THAT."

HE SHOULD FINISH THINGS WITH

THE WORDS "THE END," SO YOU KNOW

THAT HE'S DONE.

BECAUSE HE TENDS TO RAMBLE.

DO YOU WANNA TEACH THE NATION

"A PENNY SAVED IS A PENNY

EARNED"?

"A PENNY SAVED IS AH--

IT'S ONE CENT--

OR IN SPANISH CENTAVO.

IT'S-- PUT IN YOUR POCKET

FOR AWHILE, 'CAUSE IT'S YOURS,

AND YOU-- YOU EARN--

EARNED IT.

THE END."

MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT HIM

THOUGH, IS WHEN HE GETS

SOMETHING RIGHT, 'CAUSE HE GETS

THAT LITTLE GRIN ON HIS FACE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,

RIGHT?

THAT LITTLE THING WHERE HE'S

LIKE, "AND THAT'S WHY THE

UNITED STATES WILL LEAD US ALL

TO PEACE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IS THERE A FAN BLOWING ON HIM?

THE EARS START GOING.

"SOMEBODY CALL WALT DISNEY."

GOT THAT CONFIDENCE WHEN WE WENT

TO THE MIDDLE EAST, YOU KNOW.

HE'S LIKE "WE WENT TO THE

MIDDLE EAST.

AND WE STOPPED HUSSEIN FROM

SODOMIZING IT.

[LAUGHTER]

[BLEEP]

I CANNOT BELIEVE I SAID THAT."

I MISDISPRONUNCIATED A WORD.

THAT WAS IRONICAL.

I MISDISPRONOUNCIATED A WORD.

WE WENT TO THE MIDDLE EAST

AND WE STOPPED HUSSEIN FROM

SADDAMIZING IT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M GONNA KICK SOME ASS.

THEY SHOULD PUT A LITTLE

BUTTON ON HIM, YOU KNOW.

"I'M GONNA KICK SOME ASS,

KICK SOME ASS,

KICK, KICK, KICK, KICK,

KICK SOME ASS, BEOTCH."

[LAUGHTER]

HE COULD NEVER HAVE GOTTEN

HIMSELF OUT OF THE STUFF CLINTON

GOT HIMSELF INTO.

THERE'S NO WAY, 'CAUSE CLINTON

COULD LIE HIS WAY OUT OF

ANYTHING.

BUSH HAS TRUTHFUL TURRET'S.

IF HE WANTED TO TELL YOU--

DID YOU HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS

WITH THAT WOMAN?

"AH, WHAT DID THEY TELL ME

TO SAY HERE?

[LAUGHTER]

CAN I SAY THAT PART OUT LOUD?

I CANNOT BELIEVE I SAID THAT."

DID YOU HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS

WITH THAT WOMAN?

"I DID NOT INHALE.

THE END."

REMEMBER THE MOVIE, "SCENT OF

A WOMAN WITH AL PACINO

WHERE HE SAID "HOO-WAH"

AFTER EVERYTHING?

IT WAS LIKE A PERIOD AT THE END

OF THE SENTENCE, LIKE, "I GOTTA

DOG ON MY LEG.

HOO-WAH."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"WHEN I'M HUNGRY, I EAT

BROCCOLI.

HOO-WAH."

"WOO-WAH" DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

IT'S A NONSENSICAL PHRASE.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE OUT THERE

GOING, "NAH NAH,

NANNY BOO-BOO."

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT PACINO DOES.

HE TAKES LITTLE KID SAYINGS,

TURNS 'EM INTO TOUGH-GUY

PHRASES NO MATTER WHAT THE

SITUATION IS.

SOMEONE CALLED THROUGH AND SAY

THE MOB'S GONNA KICK YOUR ASS,

BE LIKE, "YOU, SIR, ARE A LIAR.

LIAR, LIAR.

YOUR PANTS ARE ON FIRE!"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

"NAH NAH, NANNY FRICKIN'

BOO-BOO."

[LAUGHTER]

HE YELLS FOR NO REASON IN

MOVIES, TOO.

I WANNA SEE SOMEBODY CAST HIM

AS A LIBRARIAN, JUST TO SEE

WHAT HE'D DO.

THERE'S NO WAY HE COULD GET

THROUGH IT.

RUNNING AROUND, "WHERE'S THE

B SECTION?

WHERE THE HELL IS THE

B SECTION?!

AND WHAT ON EARTH IS THE

DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM?"

[LAUGHTER]

WATCH THE CARTOON NETWORK

THAT DOESN'T SMOKE POT?

SEE, HOW THERE ARE A LOT OF

PEOPLE WHO WENT, "OH,

THERE'S A CLAUSE."

[LAUGHTER]

PART A-8, PART B, NAY, SORRY

BUT DADDY'S A DOOBIE BROTHER.

I WATCH THE CARTOON NETWORK

MOSTLY FOR SCOOBY-DOO, MORE

SPECIFICALLY THE GUEST STARS

ON SCOOBY-DOO, 'CAUSE THEY

ALWAYS HAD A CULTURAL ICON

COMEDIAN, SOMEBODY THAT

REPRESENTED AMERICA ON THERE.

SHAGGY AND SCOOBY COME WALKING

IN.

"ZOIKS, LIKE, HEY, SCOOB.

LIKE, IT'S THE HARLEM

GLOBETROTTERS."

"WHO?"

"LIKE, IT'S THE GUYS IN WITH

THE FANCY BASKETBALL TRICKS."

"OOH.

RUBY ROO.

[LAUGHS]"

WAIT.

BUT I WISH THEY WOULD DO IS

UPDATE THAT WITH THE CULTURAL

ICONS AND COMEDIANS OF TODAY

ON, JUST 'CAUSE I WANNA SEE

THE CHRIS ROCK EPISODE,

SEE WHAT HE'D HAVE TO SAY.

SHAGGY AND SCOOBY COME WALKING

IN.

"ZOIKS, LIKE HEY, SCOOB.

LIKE, IT'S CHRIS ROCK."

"BROTHER, THEY PUT A BLACK MAN

ON SCOOBY-DOO WHO'S NOT A DAMN

GLOBETROTTER.

AND FORGET ABOUT SCOOBY SNACKS,

THAT DOG'S DOING SCOOBY CRACK."

"ZOIKS, LIKE, HEY, SCOOB, LIKE,

HE'S RIGHT.

LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO

ABOUT IT?"

"RUBY RECOVERY."

TODAY, SHAGGY AND SCOOBY MEET UP

WITH PRESIDENT BUSH.

"YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THERE'S

A DOG THAT CAN TALK?

[LAUGHTER]

I BELIEVE IT."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I WAS WATCHING THE CREDITS

TO SCOOBY-DOO THE OTHER DAY,

'CAUSE I HAVE THAT KINDA TIME.

THE VOICE OF SCOOBY IS DONE

BY A GUY NAMED DON MESSIK.

YOU KNOW WHO DID THE VOICE

OF SHAGGY?

IT WAS CASEY KASEM WHO WAS ALSO

THE VOICE OF ROBIN IN BATMAN

& ROBIN ON THE SUPERFRIENDS.

YOU REMEMBER THE SUPERFRIENDS?

YOU CAN TELL CASEY KASEM PLAYED

ROBIN 'CAUSE BATMAN AND ROBIN

COMING ON THE CRIME SCENE,

BATMAN'S LIKE, "WHO COULDA DONE

THIS?"

THERE'S ROBIN.

"LOOK, BATMAN, THERE'S A LETTER

FROM THE RIDDLER.

[LAUGHTER]

AND HE WRITES, 'DEAR BATMAN

AND ROBIN, IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME

SINCE I LAST SAW EITHER ONE OF

YOU.

BUT WHILE I WAS IN PRISON,

I CAME UP WITH THE MOST

DIABOLICAL PLOT OF ALL TIME.

A PLOT TO TAKE OVER GOTHAM CITY

AND THE REST OF THE WORLD.

BUT I NEEDED A PARTNER.

BATMAN, BECAUSE I'M THE

RIDDLER, I CAN'T TELL YOU WHO

THAT PARTNER IS.

BUT THE ANSWER LIES IN A SONG

FROM 1974.'

HOLY MIDNIGHT TOKERS, BATMAN,

IT'S THE JOKER."

IT'S A LONG WAY TO GO FOR A

STEVE MILLER BAND JOKE, BUT

HERE'S THE GUY WHO DID IT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THEY'RE REMAKING ALL KINDS OF

MOVIES.

IF I WAS GONNA REMAKE ANY

MOVIE ON EARTH, I WOULD REMAKE

THE WIZARD OF OZ WITH

ROBIN WILLIAMS, AND THAT'S IT.

[LAUGHTER]

JUST LET HIM DO THE WHOLE DANGER

THING BY HIMSELF.

WHY PAY ANYBODY ELSE?

SO, HERE WE GO.

THE WIZARD OF OZ STARRING

ROBIN WILLIAMS WRITTEN BY

ROBIN WILLIAMS AND DIRECTED

BY QUENTIN TARANTINO.

[LAUGHTER]

MY FAVORITE THING TO DO.

HERE WE GO.

"WHO DARES BOTHER THE OLD AND

POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ?"

"OH, MY GOD, WHAT AN

INCREDIBLY WONDERFUL PLACE.

BUT WHO THE HELL DOES YOUR

DECORATING?"

"SILENCE."

"WHOA, TACOS FOR LUNCH, OKAY.

LISTEN.

I WAS JUST OUT IN KANSAS HAVING

IT UP WITH THE PIGS,

MAKIN' BACON.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

CLUCKING AROUND THE CHICKENS,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

OH, MY GOSH, UNABOMER,

NEWSPAPER JOKE.

'GET ONE.

IT GETS FUNNIER, LITERACY,

IT'S A GOOD THING, OKAY.

SO THEN MY HOUSE IS UP IN

THE AIR, IT'S SPINNING AROUND

LIKE BARYSHNIKOV ON

AMPHETAMINES, I DON'T CARE IF

YOU LAUGH AT THAT JOKE, I DID IT

JUST FOR ME.

I LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW,

THERE'S A LITTLE WICKED WITCH

ON A HOOVER VACUUM CLEANER

GOING, 'I'LL GET YOU,

MY PRETTY, AND YOUR LITTLE DOG

TOTO, TOO.'

I SAID, 'LADY, I DON'T HAVE

BUT IF I DID, I'D GIVE HIM

TO YOU, 'CAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE

YOU NEED A DANGER FRIEND.'

SO, THEN THE HOUSE LANDED.

OH, NO.

I'VE LANDED ON RONALD MCDONALD.

[LAUGHTER]

HE'S WEARING A PAIR OF

MARV ALBERT SHOES.

NOW IT LOOKS LIKE A GOOD TIME

FOR THE GREAT TASTE--

YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN THE LITTLE

PEOPLE, LIKE, 'FOLLOW THE

WHO WAS MADE WHO'S MADE OF

I SAID, "HEY, MAN--

WHOA, HEY MAN, STRAW--

THAT'S A JOKE RIGHT THERE.

STUFF, JOHN MADDEN'S COMING

BACK TO EXPLAIN IT.

'SEE, THE GUY--

WHAT HAPPENED WAS, IS--

IS-- YOU KNOW, IT'S--

OVER HERE, IS PART OF THE JOKE

AND THE REFERENCE OVER THERE,

AND THEN BOOM, THAT'S WHERE

IT IS IN THE MIDDLE.'

OKAY, I'M BACK.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA--

THERE'S STILL SOME PEOPLE IN

HERE GOING, 'WHO THE HELL IS

JOHN MADDEN?'

'WHY IS THIS JACKASS DRAWING

CIRCLES IN THE AIR?

THIS IS THE STUPIDEST CRAP

I'VE SEEN ALL NIGHT.

THIS IS TERRIBLE.

BUY SOME PROPS.

I HATE MIME.

MIME IS FOR LOSERS.

APPARENTLY, I DON'T EVEN HAVE

A CIGARETTE HERE.

I CAN EXPLAIN THIS.

I HAVE CARPAL TUNNELS.

IN THE '60s, I WAS ALWAYS SAYING

'PEACE.'

IN THE '70s, I WAS A HAND MODEL

FOR THE INTERNATIONAL SYMBOL OF

SCISSORS.

AND IN THE '80s, I WAS ALWAYS

DOING LITTLE BUNNY FOO FOO.'

♪ LITTLE BUNNY FOO FOO

♪ HOP INTO THE FOREST

♪ PICKING UP THE FIELD MICE

♪ AND-- BOOM!--

♪ BOPPING 'EM ON THE HEAD

[LAUGHTER]

ROBERT DENIRO WAS IN A MOVIE

MARY SHELLEY'S "FRANKENSTEIN.

HE PLAYED THE FRANKENSTEIN

MONSTER.

YOU PICTURING THAT?

[LAUGHTER]

"LOOK AT ME, HUH?

I AM THE FRANKENSTEIN MONSTER.

I GOT BOLTS ON ME IN MY NECK.

I'M ELECTRIC AND SCARY.

WHOO.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DO NOT BRING THAT FIRE NEAR

ME."

KEANU REEVES WAS IN A DRACULA

MOVIE.

HE DIDN'T PLAY DRACULA,

THOUGH.

THANK GOD.

HE'D BE TRYING TO SCARE YOU,

YOU'D BE LAUGHING YOUR ASS

OFF.

KEANU REEVES COMING OUT OF

THE COFFIN.

TRY NOT TO LAUGH AT THAT,

SHOWS UP.

[LAUGHTER]

"I AM KEANU DRACULA.

DAMN.

COUNT DRACULA LIKE THE CEREAL.

I BROUGHT MY FRIEND IGOR

WITH ME, IGOR.

TELL THESE PEOPLE WHAT YOU

TOLD ME."

[LAUGHTER]

"I AM THE KEY MASTER.

ARE YOU THE GATEKEEPER?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

Frank Caliendo: IT'S BEEN

PRETTY COOL, 'CAUSE I'VE

GOTTEN TO MEET SOME PEOPLE

I DO IMPRESSIONS OF.

LENO CAME UP TO ME.

HE'S LIKE, "SO, WAS THAT YOU

DOING ME ON MAD TV?

YEAH, THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.

THAT WAS REAL GOOD.

JAY LENO'S THE ONLY GUY ON

EARTH WHO COULD HAVE A BOBBLE

HEAD MADE OF HIM THAT WOULD

BOBBLE LESS THAN HIS ACTUAL

HEAD.

[LAUGHTER]

AND HE COLLECTS CARS.

I THINK HE JUST SITS IN THE

DASHBOARD GOING, "THIS IS GONNA

BE A FUN RIDE.

HERE WE GO."

[LAUGHTER]

THERE'S SO MANY COOL VOICES

OUT THERE.

I THINK THAT'S 'CAUSE THERE ARE

SO MANY PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER]

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER HAS A

COOL VOICE.

THAT VOICE USUALLY WHEN HE

ASKS A QUESTION, THAT COOL

VOICE, THAT-- "VAT YOU DOING?

WHO ARE YOU?"

HE CAN ASK ANY QUESTION.

IT SOUNDS COOL, LIKE,

"WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HAIR?

DO YOU WANNA TOUCH MY BICEP?

WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY

BELLY BUTTON?"

YOU EVER HEAR SCHWARZENEGGER

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO,

LAUGH, CRY, RUN AWAY, FIND

SHELTER.

HE STARTS SCREAMING, HIS FACE

GETS ALL CONTORT--

"THERE'S A FIRE."

THERE'S A WHAT?

"THERE'S A FIRE.

GET DOWN."

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

"YELLING.

THAT'S HOW I YELL."

WHY ARE YOU YELLING?

"THERE'S A FIRE."

AT THAT POINT, EVEN

MIKE TYSON'S GOING, "I CAN'T

BELIEVE SUCH A BIG GUY HAS

SUCH A FUNNY VOICE."

[LAUGHTER]

TYSON GOT PULLED OVER A FEW

MONTHS AGO OR A YEAR AGO OR

TEN OR 12 YEARS AGO, I'M NOT

SURE HOW LONG AGO, 'CAUSE

I DON'T UPDATE MY ACT.

"HERE'S A GUY WHO'S HONEST.

[LAUGHTER]

IF HE WASN'T HONEST, HE'D

NEVER BE A REAL BOY.

HE'D GET SWALLOWED BY A WHALE

AND GEPETTO WOULD GET MAD,

THE CRICKET WOULD SING DISNEY

SONGS AND--" "OH, WHAT TANGLED

WEBS ARE WOVEN WHEN FIRST WE

PRACTICED DECEPTION AND--

CHARLOTTE DIES BUT WILBUR

LIVES ON FOREVER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE END."

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN

WONDERFUL.

AH...

[LAUGHS]

I DON'T--

YOU GUYS ARE JUST LAUGHING

AT ME NOW, AREN'T YOU?

[LAUGHTER]

"I STILL DON'T KNOW WHO

JOHN MADDEN IS AND BUNNY FOO FOO

IS A STUPID SONG."

PEOPLE THINK I LOOK LIKE A LOTTA

DIFFERENT PEOPLE, DON'T SAY

ANYTHING YET.

SOME PEOPLE THINK I LOOK LIKE

JOHN GOODMAN 'CAUSE I'M SO TALL.

I WAS AT A ALL-WOMEN'S COLLEGE

IN-- WHO CARES WHERE IT WAS?

THEY THOUGHT I LOOKED LIKE

THE REAL-LIFE VERSION OF

BARNEY RUBBLE.

[LAUGHS]

"YEAH, FRED, I GOT YOUR FRUITY

PEBBLES."

"BARNEY, THOSE AREN'T MY

FRUITY PEBBLES."

"OH, [BLEEP]."

[LAUGHTER]

BRAD PITT, TOM CRUISE,

TO SMASH THEIR HEADS TOGETHER.

WIPED AWAY THE BLOOD RIGHT HERE.

JOHN BELUSHI, THINK I LOOK LIKE

JOHN BELUSHI?

IF YOU'RE A NAYSAYER, HOLD ON,

JOHN BELUSHI.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW

HOW I FIGURED THAT ONE OUT.

[LAUGHTER]

SOMETIMES, PEOPLE SAY

CHRIS FARLEY JUST 'CAUSE THEY

WHAT'S AMAZING ABOUT

CHRIS FARLEY HE HAD A MOVIE

THAT CAME OUT AFTER HE

PASSED AWAY.

A FEW MONTHS LATER, HE'S IN

NORM MCDONALD'S MOVIE.

CAN YOU IMAGINE IF THAT KEPT

HAPPENING, FARLEY KEPT SHOWING

UP IN MOVIES, BE LIKE A TUPAC

KINDA THING?

THIRTEEN YEARS LATER, YOU'RE

GOING TO SEE ADAM SANDLER IN

IN SOME MOVIE, THE PREVIEW

COMES UP BEFORE IT.

"IN A MOVIE KEPT SO TOP SECRET,

EVEN HIS FRIENDS NEVER KNEW IT

WAS MADE.

THIS SUMMER, THE LEGEND LIVES

ON, BECAUSE CHRIS FARLEY IS...

TBATMAN."

"OH, MY FREAKING GORDE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I AM THE CAPED CRUSADER.

I LURK IN THE SHADOWS,

I'M A CREATURE OF THE NIGHT,

AND I HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF WHAT

YOU'D CALL A WEIGHT PROBLEM."

"WITH PAULY SHORE AS ROBIN."

AH-AH-HA-HA, I'M THE WEASEL.

"YOU'RE A LITTLE CRAZY, MAN.

I'M GONNA GET MOTIVATIONAL

ON YOUR ASS.

YOU MIGHT THINK YOU KNOW WHAT

YOU'RE DOING.

YOU'RE UP THERE--

[GRUNTING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU THIS,

SIR.

YOU DON'T KNOW DICK WAD!"

THANK YOU GUYS VERY MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

COMEDY CENTRAL.

Captioned By

mCCaptioning Services.

Reseda, California.

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