Bobby Slayton & Margaret Cho

  • 02/24/1992

NO.

NO, YOU KNOW, I JUST GOT OFFTHE ROAD AGAIN SO I'M ORNERY

I'M IRRITABLEAND KIND OF ON EDGE

BECAUSE I WAS OUTWITH MY BAND AND...

STAYING IN...

( laughter )

STAYING IN A LOT OF,YOU KNOW, GOOD HOTELS THIS TIME.

YOU KNOW, LIKEHOLIDAY INNS AND STUFF.

AND, YOU KNOW, THE GROUPIES AREDRIVING ME INSANE, OF COURSE.

THE 15-, 16-YEAR-OLD KIDSCOME BACK

AND, YOU KNOW,WE'RE COOL WITH THEM.

WE HAVE THEM COME BACK

AND WE USUALLY PICK OUTABOUT SEVEN OR EIGHT PER NIGHT.

( laughter )

A GOOD MIXTUREOF YOUNG BOYS AND GIRLS

JUST TO KEEP IT FAIR, YOU KNOW.

( laughter )

AND THEN WE BRINGTHEM BACKSTAGE.

WE ALWAYS HAVE A NICEDELI PLATTER TO SHARE WITH THEM.

THEY'RE USUALLY RUNAWAYSSO THEY'RE HUNGRY.

SO WE RELAX AND... BUT USUALLYTHEY NEED A SHOWER OR A BATH

BECAUSE THEY'VE BEEN,YOU KNOW, ON THE ROAD

SO WE TAKE THEMBACK TO THE HOTEL

AND, YOU KNOW, GIVE THEM SOMET-SHIRTS AND SOME SWEATSHIRTS

GIVE THEM A NICE BATH AND...

OH, SOMETIMES THEYSPEND THE NIGHT.

THEY NEED A NICE BEDTO SLEEP IN, YOU KNOW.

SOMETIMES WITH ME,SOMETIMES OUT ON THE COUCH.

SOMETIMES HALF THE NIGHT WITHME, AND THEN OUT ON THE COUCH.

( laughter )

THEN IF THEY'RE CUTE

WE KEEP THEM WITH US FORA COUPLE DAYS ON THE JET

AND GIVE THEMPER DIEM OF COURSE.

WE GIVE THEM SOME MONEY FOR FOOD

IN CASE THEY WANTTO WANDER OFF BY THEMSELVES.

AND THAT'S BASICALLY IT.

AND THEN IN BETWEENWE DO OUR SHOWS

AND IT'S REALLY COOL, YOU KNOW?

SO THAT'S KINDOF WHERE I'VE BEEN AT.

A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE

I'M BASICALLY ON THE ROADALL THE TIME WITH MY GROUP SO...

I DON'T REALLY DO COMEDYSO THIS IS LIKE NEW FOR ME

KIND OF TO HOST A SHOWLIKE THIS AND EVERYTHING.

BUT I'VE BEEN KNOWNTO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH.

NOT NECESSARILY ON PURPOSE,SOMETIMES JUST...

THAT'S A CUTE LITTLEGIRLY HAT YOU'RE WEARING.

Woman:I WORE ITFOR YOU.

YOU WORE IT FOR ME?

A KOOKY LITTLE HAT?

DON'T YOU KNOW I'LL JUST

KNOCK IT RIGHT OFFYOUR HEAD AND SLAP YOU?

DON'T BE SHOWING UP

WITH THOSE LITTLEHATS WITH FAKE...

FAKE FLOWERS ON THEM.

I'M GOING TO WEARSOMETHING GIRLY TONIGHT.

YEAH, ME TOO.

SO THIS IS THE NIGHTSOF ROCK AND ROLL

AND THEN IN BETWEEN THERE'SGOING TO BE SOME COMEDY RELIEF.

BUT OF COURSE, FIRST WE HAVETO BREAK FOR A COMMERCIAL

TO PAY FOR ALL THIS TRASH.

BUT WE'RE GOING TO BE RIGHT BACK

WITH BOBBY SLAYTON ANDMARGARET CHO SO COME BACK.

I HOPE I SAID HER NAME RIGHT.

SEE, WOMEN, YOU KNOW...

I CAN'T WEAR STUFF LIKE THATOR SILLY HATS LIKE THAT.

WHEN GUYS WEAR STUPID HATS--

GET A SHOT OF THIS GUY.

SEE, THAT'S A STUPID HATBECAUSE YOU'RE A GUY.

THE ONLY REASON THATI'M WEARING THIS JACKET

IS BECAUSE MY WIFEPICKED IT OUT.

MEN WILL WEAR ANYTHINGIF A WOMAN SAYS IT LOOKS GOOD.

THEY'LL WATCH YOU TRY CRAP ON.

AND YOU KNOW WHY, GUYS?

BECAUSE WOMEN USED TO BELITTLE GIRLS

AND WHEN THEY WERE LITTLE GIRLSTHEY HAD DOLLS

AND NOW THEY GOT YOU.

YOU ARE THEIR LITTLE DOLL.

WOMEN, I DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHY YOU HAVE SUCHA TOUGH TIME SHOPPING FOR GUYS.

YOU ALWAYS GO,"I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO GET HIM."

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,YOU DON'T KNOW?

FIRST OF ALL,A GUY WILL WEAR ANYTHING.

CASE IN POINT--THE GUY WITH THE HAT.

YOU COULD BUYA BOZO COSTUME FOR A GUY

TELL HIM HOW GREAT HIS BUTTLOOKS AND HE'LL WEAR IT.

"MAYBE I'LL GETTHE BIG SHOES AND THE HAIR."

THE POINT IS, WOMEN, WE'RETHE ONES WITH THE HEADACHE.

YOU GIRLS DON'T UNDERSTAND WHATWE GO THROUGH SHOPPING FOR YOU.

MEN CAN'T EVENSHOP FOR THEMSELVES.

L.A., WHICH IS ONEOF THE COOLER CITIES--

YOU'RE COOL-LOOKING PEOPLE

EXCEPT FOR THIS GUYWITH THE HAIR--

WE'LL GET TO YOU IN A SECOND.

BUT YOU GO TO ANYMEN'S STORE IN THIS TOWN

AND LOOK AT GUYSPICKING OUT CLOTHES.

NOT BLACK GUYS.

BLACK GUYS KNOW HOW TO DRESS.

BLACK GUYS AND GAY GUYS.

AND BLACK GAY GUYS--THEY'RE THE BEST.

I'M TALKING...

( applause )

ABOUT YOUR AVERAGEDORKY WHITE MAN.

YOUR WIFE WON'T TELL YOU BECAUSESHE KNOWS WHEN SHE'S NOT AROUND

EVEN HOOKERS WON'T DO YOUDRESSED LIKE THAT.

GO TO ANY MEN'S DEPARTMENT

IT'S LIKE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD.

GUYS ARE WALKING AROUNDLIKE BUMPER CARS

HOLDING UP UNDERWEAR.

"WHAT DO I DO?""HOW DO I PAY FOR THIS?"

"SOMEBODY HELP ME."

YOU EVER SEE A GUYSHOPPING WITH HIS WIFE?

IT'S LIKE,"HONEY, DO I LIKE THIS?"

"HONEY, DOES THIS GO?DOES THIS FIT?"

THAT'S WHY I SAID, WOMEN,I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND

WHAT A TRAUMATICEXPERIENCE IT IS.

HAVE YOU GUYS EVER ASKEDYOUR WIFE WHAT SIZE SHE WEARS?

"I WEAR A THREE UNLESSYOU BUY ME A BATHING SUIT

"THEN IT MAY BE A THREE-FOUR.

"SEE, SOMETIMES THE TOP'SA THREE AND THE BOTTOM'S A FOUR.

"IN A SKIRTI WEAR FIVE-SIX OR A PETITE.

"UNLESS YOU BUY ME A SWEATER

"THEN I LIKE THEM BIGSO GET ME A MEDIUM.

UNLESS IT'S COTTON, THEN ITCAN SHRINK, SO I TAKE A LARGE."

WHAT DO YOU WEAR?EVERY DAMN SIZE?

IT'S LIKE COLORS, YOU KNOW.

I DON'T THINK MEN--

HOLD IT TO THE END,GIVE ME A BIG ONE AT THE END--

I DON'T THINK MENUNDERSTAND THE COLOR SCHEMES.

MEN HAVE NO PATIENCE FOR ANYTHING.

YOU KNOW, I GET READYIN, LIKE, FIVE MINUTES

AND I'M OUT THE DOOR.

AND WOMEN-- "DOES THIS GO?"

"YEAH, IT GOES.

"LET'S CONJUGATE GO.

THAT GOES, YOU GO,WE GO, LET'S GO."

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WANTTO WEAR YOUR FUCHSIA DRESS

WITH THE PERSIMMON STOCKSWITH THE AVOCADO HAT.

WHAT ARE YOU,HALF HUMAN, HALF CRAYON?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I HAVE NO PATIENCE FOR THIS.

I HAVE NO PATIENCE FOR SEX.

THAT'S THE OTHER THING.

WOMEN WANT TO MAKE LOVE.

GUYS WANT TO HAVE SEX.

IT'S LIKE ANYTHING.

YOU EVER SEND A GUYTO THE SUPERMARKET?

GIRLS, IF YOU SENDA GUY TO THE MARKET

YOU HAVE TO MAKE A LIST.

IF YOU DON'T MAKE A LIST

A MAN CANNOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLEFOR WHAT HE BUYS.

A GUY WILL SPEND $1,000IN THE GROCERY STORE

AND THERE WILL BENOTHING THERE TO EAT.

SO I TOLD MY WIFE,"MAKE ME A LIST.

I DON'T WANT YOURLITTLE COUPON ENVELOPE."

SHE TRIES TO GIVE ME COUPONS.

"YOU WANT TO SAVE TWO CENTSHERE, THREE CENTS THERE?

"KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.

OOH, YOU SAVED A DOLLAR,WE'LL HAVE A PARTY."

I'LL TELL YOU A TRUE STORY.

I DON'T KNOW IF WE'RE ABLETO DO THIS ON TELEVISION.

I GO TO THE GROCERY STORE.

MY WIFE GIVES ME A LISTAND I'M GETTING THIS STUFF.

SHE'S GOT TAMPONS ON THE LIST.

I GET TOTHE FEMININE HYGIENE AISLE

WHERE THEY HAVE, LIKE, THESUMMER'S EVE AND THE MASSENGILL

AND OF COURSETHERE'S ALWAYS A PICTURE

OF A WOMAN RUNNING THROUGH MIST.

THEY'RE ALWAYSRUNNING THROUGH MIST.

EVEN FEMALE DEODORANTS HAVETHOSE CUTE LITTLE GIRLY NAMES.

"IT'S SECRET."

"IT TICKLES."

MEN'S PRODUCTS TELL YOUWHERE IT'S AT.

"GIVE ME SOME CRUEX.

"GIVE ME SOME JOCK ITCH.

I'LL HAVE SOME LICE-AWAY,I'M A MAN."

WOMEN ARE MIST AND BIRDS.

"IT'S A SECRET."

SO I TAKE THE TAMPONS.

I GLANCE DOWN AT THE BOXAND I SEE THERE'S A SIZE ON IT.

GETTING BACK TO SIZE.

I HAD NO IDEA THESE THINGSCOME IN DIFFERENT SIZES.

MOST GUYS DON'T EVENWANT TO ADMIT

THESE LITTLE SUCKERS EXIST.

YOU SEE ONE BY MISTAKEIN THE BATHROOM

YOU TRY TO HYPNOTIZE YOURSELF.

"I'M HERE TO PEE, I SAW NOTHING.

I'M HERE TO BLOW MY NOSE,I SAW NOTHING."

SO I GO BACKTO THE TAMPON AISLE.

AND IT'S NOT LIKEA GUY CAN GUESS.

BECAUSE IT'S NOT LIKE

THEY COME IN NORMALHUMAN BEING EARTH SIZES

LIKE SMALL, MEDIUM OR LARGEWHERE A GUY CAN GO

"THAT'S MY GAL."

( laughter )

THEY COME IN THESEGOOFY GIRLY SIZES

ONLY YOU LADIES CAN FIGURE OUT.

REGULAR, SLIM, SUPER SLIM,EXTRA CRISPY, NEW AND IMPROVED.

AND GOD FORBID, BOYS

YOU COME HOME WITHTHE WRONG SIZE TAMPON

BECAUSE THAT'S A REAL SHORT FUSEHANGING OUT OF THEM, FELLAS.

( laughter )

WHY ARE YOU SHAKING YOUR HEAD?

WHAT, YOU'RE AN ANGEL WHENYOU'RE ON THE RAG-- YEAH, OKAY.

I KNEW THERE WOULD BE TENSIONIN THE ROOM BUT IT'S OKAY.

THEY'LL SWEETEN IT INPOSTPRODUCTION, I DON'T CARE.

I'M NOT MAD, I'M JUST JEALOUS.

BECAUSE IF A GUY'S A JERK,WE'RE JUST A JERK.

THAT'S WHY THEY HADTO INVENT FLOWER STORES.

GENTLEMEN, YOU SEE ANOTHER GUYIN A FLORIST'S SHOP

AND IT'S NOT VALENTINE'S DAY,YOU CAN STRIKE UP A CONVERSATION

BY GOING, "HEY, PAL,WHAT ARE YOU IN FOR?"

TWO MINUTES-- I GOTA MILLION THINGS ON MY MIND.

WE GOT TO GET TO THESE GUYS.

ALL THE YOUNG GUYS HEREWITH THE HAIR.

I USED TO BE LIKE THATWHEN I WAS YOUR AGE.

YOU STILL DO DRUGS?

GOOD FOR YOU.

I WISH I COULD TALK ABOUT DRUGS

BUT MY PUBLICIST SAID,"DON'T TALK ABOUT DRUGS."

I'M VERY PROUD, I DID DRUGS.

NOT SAYING THE KIDSTODAY OUGHT TO DO THEM.

WE HAD GOOD DRUGS THOUGH.

SEE, AND HERE'SANOTHER GENERATION.

WHEN YOU WERE A KID, THEREWAS NO SUCH THING AS CRACK.

A CRACK SALESMAN JUST MEANTA GUY WAS A GOOD SALESMAN.

THEY'LL SWEETEN THAT ONE UP TOO,I'M NOT WORRIED.

I USED TO DO DRUGS ALL THE TIME.

WHAT SCARES YOU YOUNG GUYSAWAY FROM DRUGS NOW?

THE FRYING-PAN-AND-THE-EGGCOMMERCIAL?

YOU WANT TO SCARE A MANAWAY FROM DRUGS?

SHOW HIM A BIG PENIS AND SAY,"THIS IS YOUR ....

THIS IS YOUR .... ON COKE."

( laughter )

THAT'S MY BEST JOKE AND I KNOWTHEY'RE GOING TO TAKE IT OUT.

YOU KNOW WHY A LOT OF YOU COMETO COMEDY CLUBS AS A COUPLE?

BECAUSE YOU REALLY DON'TKNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.

BASICALLY YOU REALLY DON'TKNOW WHAT MOVIES TO GO SEE.

I'M A BATMAN, ALIEN, LETHAL WEAPON KIND OF GUY.

AND I'M NOT PROUD OF THE FACT

BUT A FEW BREASTS, A FEW UZIS--THAT TO ME IS A MOVIE.

MY WIFE BUSTED MY CHOPS

WHEN I BROUGHT HOME THE PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS.

ABOUT PEOPLE WHO LIVEUNDER THE STAIRS

AND THEY EAT OTHER PEOPLE.

THIS IS A MOVIE.

AND OF COURSE SHE WANTS TO SEE FRIED GREEN TOMATOES

PRINCE OF TIDES, THELMA AND LOUISE--

MOVIES ABOUT LOVEAND RELATIONSHIPS

AND FAMILIES AND KIDS.

I GO, "WE GOT A KID, WE'REIN LOVE, WE HAVE A FAMILY.

WE DON'T HAVE PEOPLE LIVING UNDER OUR STAIRSEATING OTHER PEOPLE."

MAYBE IF THEY ATE THELMA ANDLOUISE THEN IT WOULD BE FUN.

( laughter )

MEAN BUT TRUE.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT.

HI.

I'M MARGARET CHO.

UM, I'M KOREAN.

I DON'T HAVE A STOREOR ANYTHING.

( laughter )@@

I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES

WHERE THINGS ARE KINDOF STRANGE FOR KOREANS.

DURING THE RIOTING KOREANMERCHANTS WERE STANDING

ON THE ROOFTOPS OF KOREA-TOWN

WITH UZIS TRYING TOPROTECT THEIR STORES.

GOD, THAT FIRST DAY BACK AT WORKMUST HAVE BEEN KIND OF AWKWARD.

( Korean accent: )OH, THAT WAS YOU?

I SORRY, I KIND OF OVERREACTED.

UH, YOU LIKE SPRITE?

DURING THAT TIME I HAD ALLTHESE DIFFERENT MIXED EMOTIONS

DIFFERENT FEELINGSLIKE ANXIETY AND FEAR

MIXED WITH THINGSLIKE COCKINESS.

THINGS LIKE, "HEY, I'M KOREAN,WE KNOW HOW TO RIOT.

LOOTING SCHMOOTING,I'LL SET MYSELF ON FIRE."

( laughter )

FOR THE MOST PARTI REALLY LOVE LIVING IN L.A.

I LIVE IN A GREAT HOUSE.

I LIVE ON THE SAME STREETAS K.D. LANG.

( hooting )

I'M GOING TO CALL HER

TO SEE IF SHE WANTS TOSTART A NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH.

I LOVE HER BUT I CAN'TJUST GO UP AND TALK TO HER

SO I'M REDUCED TO PLAYINGHER RECORDS REALLY LOUD

AND STANDING BYTHE WINDOW ALL DAY.

I'M LIVING HERE ALSOTO PURSUE MY CAREER

WHICH IS FUN, UM... IT'S FUN.

I RECENTLY DID THISSHOWCASE OF INTERNATIONAL TALENT

AND THEY CHOSE ME BECAUSEI'M SO VERY INTERNATIONAL.

THEY HAD A PROBLEM WITH ME

BECAUSE I LOOK THIS WAYBUT I TALK THIS WAY.

THAT'S A PROBLEM

AND THEY'RE TRYINGTO BE SENSITIVE ABOUT IT.

THEY'RE LIKE

"MARGARET, WE DON'T WANT YOUTO TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY

BUT COULD YOU BE A LITTLE MORE,OH, I DON'T KNOW-- CHINESE?"

"ACTUALLY I'M KOREAN."

"WHATEVER."

AND I WAS SUPPOSED TELL JOKES.

WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?

( Korean accent: )OH, MY HUSBAND IS SO FAT...

( laughter )

THAT WHEN HE SITAROUND THE HABOKU

HE REALLY SITAROUND THE HABOKU.

GONG.

( laughter and applause )

I HAVE NIGHTMARES THAT I'LLBE CAST IN A HORRIBLE SITCOM

AND I WAKE UP SCREAMING.

♪ SHE'S NOT WEARINGANY WEDDING VEIL ♪

♪ 'CAUSE SHE'S THE KIND OF BRIDETHAT COMES IN THE MAIL. ♪

GROWING UP I WANTEDTO BE AN ACTRESS

BUT THERE WERE NEVER ASIAN WOMENON TV SO I HAD NO ROLE MODELS.

WELL, ONE--

"EXCUSE, MR. EDDIE'S FATHER."

EVEN THAT SHOW KUNG FU.

I HATED THAT SHOWBECAUSE DAVID CARRADINE

WHO PLAYED THE LEADWAS NOT EVEN CHINESE.

THAT SHOW SHOULD NOT HAVEBEEN CALLED KUNG FU.

IT SHOULD'VE BEEN CALLED THAT GUY'S NOT CHINESE.

MY FAVORITE SHOW OF ALL TIMETHOUGH WAS CHARLIE'S ANGELS.

THAT WAS THE BEST SHOW EVER.

I STILL HAVE ALL OF MY CHARLIE'S ANGELS TRADING CARDS

AND I USE THEMTO GIVE TAROT READINGS.

THEY'RE NOT REALLY GOODAT TELLING THE FUTURE.

IT'S MORE ABOUT WHEREYOU'RE AT RIGHT NOW.

BEWARE OF THE SHELLY HACK CARD.

( laughter )

MY FAVORITE EPISODE WAS ACTUALLYAN EPISODE OF THE LOVE BOAT

WHERE CHARLIE'S ANGELSWENT ON THE LOVE BOAT.

THAT WAS THE BEST DAYOF MY LIFE.

WE PLAYED A DRINKING GAMECALLED THE LOVE BOAT.

YOU'D PICK A CHARACTER

AND WHENEVER THAT CHARACTERCAME ON SCREEN YOU WOULD DRINK.

YOU COULD SPOT THE ALCOHOLICSBECAUSE THEY WERE LIKE

"I WANT TO BE THE SHIP."

( laughter )

MY PARENTS ALMOST NEVERLET ME WATCH THAT SHOW.

THEY WERE VERY STRICT.

THEY DON'T LIKE THE FACTTHAT I'M IN SHOW BUSINESS

BECAUSE THEY HAVE A STORE.

( laughter )

VERY RELIGIOUS FAMILY.

MY BROTHER ISTHE MOST RELIGIOUS.

HE'S 18 ANDHE USED TO BE A SURFER

BUT NOW HE'SA BORN-AGAIN CHRISTIAN.

HE'S CONSTANTLYTRYING TO CONVERT ME.

HE COMES UP AND HE SAYS

"MARGARET.

"MARGARET, HAVE YOUACCEPTED JESUS CHRIST

"AS YOUR PERSONAL SAVIOR?

"HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

BITCH!"

ONE OF THE DISADVANTAGESOF BEING ASIAN IN AMERICA IS

SOMETIMES YOU CAN'T COMMUNICATEWITH YOUR FAMILY.

THE BIGGEST ADVANTAGETO BEING ASIAN IN AMERICA

IS THAT IF YOU'RE SOMEWHEREAND SOMEBODY TALKS TO YOU

AND YOU DON'T WANTTO TALK TO THEM

YOU CAN JUST PRETENDYOU DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH.

( Korean accent: )"OH, NO, I DON'T KNOW."

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