Lubin, MacFarland, Hamilton, Roy

  • Season 9, Ep 907
  • 12/16/2005

Damon Wayans stars in Premium Blend featuring Gilson Lubin, Kelly MacFarland, Jim Hamilton, & John Roy.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]- YEAH, YEAH. HOME TOWN.

PEOPLE ASK ME DO I EVER, LIKE, GO BACK TO THE HOOD.

AND IT'S LIKE NO, I DON'T GO BACK.

BECAUSE THEY WON'T BE HAPPY TO SEE ME,

THEY'LL ROB ME.I KNOW. I GREW UP THERE.

THEY'LL BE LIKE, "YO. RUN THAT MONEY.

"WE KNOW YOU GOT MONEY.RUN YOUR POCKETS.

"YEAH, TELL YOUR BROTHER MARLON TO COME ON THROUGH.

- LET ME ROB HIM TOO YO." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE LAST TIME I WENT BACK TO THE PROJECTS,

MY FRIEND ASKED ME IFI WANTED TO ROB A CAB WITH HIM.

HE'S LIKE, "YO, COME ON MAN.

LET'S GO ROB A CAB FOR OLD TIME SAKE."

"WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE? ROBBING A CAB?

I'LL BUY YOU A CAB. "I AIN'T GONNA ROB NO CAB."

I GET RECOGNIZED. IT'S LIKE MAN,

"ROB YOUR BOX. RUN THAT CIGAR BOX."

HE'S LIKE, "OH, THAT'S DAMON WAYANS. HOW YOU DOING?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

I'M ACTUALLY ORIGINALLY FROM THE ISLANDS;

THE CARIBBEAN ISLANDS ST. LUCIA.

- YEAH. WOW. AND UM... - [LAUGHTER]

THE THING IS LIKE GROWING UP THERE

IS LIKE ALL BLACK PEOPLE MAN.I SPENT MOST OF MY LIFE

THINKING THAT A RACIST WAS JUST A VERY FAST PERSON.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU TOLD ME A RACIST I WAS LIKE, "HEY, GOOD LUCK."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THAT GUY IS FAST, I LIKE HIM.

HE'S SO QUICK ON HIS FEET AND HE'S ANGRY ALL THE TIME.

[LAUGHTER]

I KNOW WHAT A BIGOT IS.BUT I THOUGHT BIGOTRY

WAS THE OAK IN FRONT OFMY NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE.

THEY HAD A BIGGA TREE THEN WE DID. I WAS LIKE OKAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'VE ONLY OFFENDED ONE PERSON EVER SINCE I STARTED STANDUP.

THIS ONE GUY WAS PRETTY UPSET. HE SAID TO ME,

YOU SHOULDN'T TALK ABOUT RACISM. AND I SAID, WHY? HE GOES,

BECAUSE IT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST ANYMORE.

AND I WAS LIKE, WELL, I HATE YOU.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS LIKE RACISM IS NOT OVER TILL THEY CHANGE

THE TASTE OF BLACK LICORICE.I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYBODY SAYS.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT?

LIKE, EVERY RED CANDY TASTES LIKE SOMETHING

YOU'VE HAD BEFORE THAT WAS RED. LIKE, MMMM, LIKE A STRAWBERRY.

- BECAUSE IT'S RED, I GET IT. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW, EVEN THE ORANGE ONES.

THEY'RE CITRUS. YOU'RE LIKE, WOW, JUST LIKE A REAL ORANGE.

I SEE.

BUT YOU BITE INTO THE BLACK CANDY...

THAT [BLEEP]MAKES YOU WANT TO FIGHT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT MAKES YOU WANNA FIGHT.

YOU'RE LIKE, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

WHAT ARE Y'ALL USING SUGAR AND HATE?

- WHAT IS THAT?- [LAUGHTER]

IT TASTES LIKE SUGAR AND BROKEN DREAMS MAN.

IT MAKES ME SAD.I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP.

YOU COULD PUT A JAR OF CANDIES RIGHT HERE

AND THEY'RE ALLTHE COLORS OF THE WORLD.

AND YOU GRAB A COUPLE. YOU ALL, MM, I LOVE CANDIES.

WHATEVER Y'ALL SAY. RIGHT?

COME BACK HALF AN HOUR LATER I PROMISE YOU,

IT'LL JUST BE THE BLACK ONES LEFT...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY JUST STARING AT YOU.

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED MAN, EVERYBODY LEFT.

THEY'RE CANDIES, NOT JOB APPLICANTS

THAT'S ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY. TRY SOME.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT HIS FAVORITE GIRL RIGHT NOW--

HE'S ALWAYS BRAGGING ABOUT PARIS HILTON

LIKE SHE'S THE HOTTEST CHICK ON THE PLANET. AND I DISAGREE--

MOSTLY BECAUSE SHE'S UGLY, RIGHT? SO I...

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

SO HE GOT MAD AT ME. HE'S LIKE,"YOU CAN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT PARIS

BECAUSE IF YOU GUYS WERE THE LAST TWO PEOPLE ON EARTH,

YOU'D GET WITH HER IN A SECOND."SO I WAS LIKE,

"IF PARIS HILTON AND I WERE THE LAST TWO PEOPLE ON EARTH,

ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS WHO'SKILLING ALL THESE PEOPLE. OKAY?"

[LAUGHTER]

"I'M HORNY,BUT PEOPLE ARE MISSING.I'M NOT AN IDIOT."

- YOU KNOW-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU MAY RECOGNIZE ME FROM--

I WAS ON AWEIGHT LOSS REALITY SHOWWHERE I LOST 75 POUNDS.

- SEVENTY-FIVE.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH. YEAH. I LOST A LITTLE SUPERMODEL OFF MY BACKSIDE.

I WAS LIKE, "GET OFF, I HAVE THINGS TO DO.

- GET OFF ME." - [LAUGHTER]

WE FILMED IT IN L.A. BUT I LIVE IN BOSTON. I'M A BOSTON GIRL--

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - YEAH.

WHEN I-- SEE FRIENDLY. WHEN I GOT BACK TO BOSTON,

PEOPLE RECOGNIZED ME ON THE STREET.

AND THEY'D COME RIGHT UP TO ME. AND THEY'RE SO SWEET IN BOSTON.

THEY'RE SO DELICATE AND TENDER, YOU KNOW?

THEY'RE SO FRIENDLYAND FLOWERY-- SOFT EVEN.

THEY'LL WALK RIGHT UP TO YOU ON THE STREET

AND THEY'LL BE LIKE, "YOU WERE ON THAT SHOW

"THE BIG, FAT, FRIGGIN, LOSER.

YOU WERE WICKEDFAT THOUGH. NICE TITS."

AND THEN WE HUG 'CAUSE I FEEL PRETTY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

COUPLE DAYS A WEEK I GO TO AN OFFICE.

YEAH, AND I DON'T WANT TO THROW MY SUCCESS IN YOUR FACE.

BUT I HAVE MY OWN CUBICLE.HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW, BITCHES?

IT'S 60 INCHES TALL,STANDARD CUBICLE HEIGHT.

AND IT'S ALSO THE STANDARD KELLY HEIGHT

IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW.YEAH, SO WHEN I'M IN IT,

I CAN'T SEE ANYTHINGGOING ON OUTSIDE OF IT.

BUT ALL THE TALL PEOPLE I WORK WITH LIKE 5'4" AND UP--

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. THEY COME BY ALL DAY LONG AND PEEK IN ON ME

LIKE I'M A BABY IN A PLAYPEN.

JUST FLOATING HEADS COMING OVER THE TOP.

"ARE YOU HAVING A GOOD DAY TODAY?

ARE YOU BEING A BIG GIRL AT YOUR COMPUTER?"

"ARE YOU BEING A BIG, BIG GIRL?"

[BLOWING RASPBERRIES]

THE ONLY PERSON WHO DOESN'T COME OVER THE TOP

IS THAT PERKY AT MY OFFICE. YOU KNOW THAT PERKY PER--

EVERYBODY'S GOT ONE WHERE THEY WORK.

SHE COMES AROUND THE FRONT. SHE LIKES TO SAY, "HI."

SO HAPPY-- YOU KNOW WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT,

THE PERSON WHO SHOWS UP ON TIME. WHAT AN A-[BLEEP].

MINE'S ALWAYS TOATING FRESH BAKED GOODS.

LIKE SHE'S GOT LIKE 6 BILLION MUFFINS WITH HER.

SHE'S GOT THE MITTS ON 'CAUSE TINS ARE STILL HOT.

SHE WALKS IN LIKE IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

SHE'S SO HAPPY TO BE THERE.

"GOOD MORNING EVERYONE.GOOD MORNING!

"WHEW! IT'S GONNA BE A SCORCHER OUT THERE TODAY; A SCORCHER.

HOT, HOT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS?

"THESE ARE JUST SEVEN DOZEN HOT FRESH ASSORTED MUFFINS

"THAT I MADE THIS MORNING. IT'S NO BIG DEAL AT ALL.

"I GOT UP AT 4:30, I JOGGED SEVEN MILES,

I KNITTED A SWEATER AND I MADE THIS MUFFINS!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WANT TO STAPLE THINGS TO HER FOREHEAD. I HATE HER.

I WORK WITH SOME WOMEN WHO ARE REALLY SKINNY,

REALLY, REALLY SKINNY. THEY HAVE THIS THING CALLED,

"SALAD TIME". RIGHT? "SALAD TIME."

IT'S VERY SERIOUS. THERE'S A LEADER.

"SALAD TIME" SHE'LL SAY TO THE OTHER ONES.

THEY ALL GET UP AND WALK WITH HER.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY GO GET SALADS, BRING 'EM BACK

AND THEN THEY DISCUSS WHO'S HEALTHIEST.

THEY'RE LIKE "OH MY GOD MEGAN,

"WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE BEATS FOR YOUR SALAD?

"WHAT A FUN COLORFULADDITION FOR YOUR SALAD,

DELICIOUS, DIARRHEAINDUCING BEATS; HOW DELICIOUS."

"THEY WERE RIGHT NEXT TO THE CRUNCHY, CHINESE NOODLES

"WHICH YOU'RE EATING. AND PS:

CRUNCHY, CHINESE NOODLES. WHAT A FUN, CRUNCHY TREAT."

SCREW YOU BOTH. DORITOS ARE A FUN, CRUNCHY TREAT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BAD NEWS. BAD NEWS. I WENT TO THE DOCTOR

AND I FOUND OUT THAT I CAN'T HAVE CHILDREN.

AND THE MEDICAL REASON-- AS FAR AS I UNDERSTAND IT.

IS THAT WHEN I EJACULATE THERE IS RARELY-- IF EVER--

A WOMAN IN THE ROOM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THAT'S WHEN THE DRINKING STARTED.

[LAUGHTER]

OH MAN. I'M BROKE. I'M BROKE. I GOT NO MONEY.

SHOOT, I FINALLY PAID MY TAXES.

I MEAN, I'M SORRY, I BELIEVE THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION

- IS CALLING IT, "TITHING". - [LAUGHTER]

DOES IT CONCERN ANYBODY ELSE THAT THERE'S NO COMPUTER

ON THE DESK IN THE OVAL OFFICE?

APPARENTLY ALL OUR PRESIDENT NEEDS TO KNOW TO DO HIS JOB

WAS BROUGHT DOWN BY MOSES ON THOSE TWO STONE TABLETS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AH, IT'S FOR THE BEST.

IF THE PRESIDENTHAD A COMPUTER,

HE'D DO THE SAME THING I DO AT WORK ALL DAY.

WHICH IS PLAY MINESWEEPER. MINESWEEPER IS PRETTY LAME

COMPARED TO STARTING YOUR VERY OWN WAR.

AND UNLIKE MINESWEEPER,REAL WAR DOESN'T INVOLVE

ALL THOSE CONFUSING NUMBERS OR LOGIC.

I USED TO CONFUSE THE WORD STIGMATA WITH A STIGMATISM.

FOR A LONG TIME I THOUGHT JESUS HAD POOR VISION

FOR OUR SINS. SOME SACRIFICE JC.

I WAS AT THE LAUNDRY MAT

AND I WAS HAVINGAN ARGUMENT WITH A CHILD--

I WAS SCREAMING AT THIS KID AND HE WAS LIKE 4 OR 5 YEARS-OLD.

BUT THEN HE STARTS CRYING AND RUNS OFF TO GO TELL HIS MOMMY.

I WAS LIKE,"YEAH, GOOD LUCK TRYINGTO CONVINCE HER THAT

CREATIONISM SHOULD BE TAUGHT IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS."

ACTUALLY HE NEVER SAID,"CREATIONISM".

HE WAS CALLING IT INTELLIGENT DESIGN.

BUT I KNEW WHAT HE MEANT. INTELLIGENT DESIGN--

WHAT IT IS, IS A THEORY THAT THE WORLD IS SO COMPLEX

AND WELL ORGANIZED THAT IT COULDN'T POSSIBLE HAVE BEEN

RADON CHANCE OR NATURALSELECTION THAT GOT US ALL HERE.

THERE HAD TO BE SOME SORT OF A GUIDING HAND OR A CREATOR IF YOU WILL.

WELL, I HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS FOR THE STATE OF KANSAS.

IF THE DESIGN IS SO INTELLIGENT,

THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN BEN STILLER?

IF THE DESIGN IS SO INTELLIGENT,

WHERE IS MY HOVER BOARD?

IF THE DESIGN IS SO INTELLIGENT,

WHY DOES IT BURN WHEN I PEE?

ACTUALLY I KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT ONE.

BUT IT BURNS WHEN I PEE. THAT'S MY BODY'S WAY OF SAYING,

"DON'T STICK YOUR PENIS IN THAT."

BUT IF THE DESIGN IS SO INTELLIGENT,

WHY DO I KEEP STICKING MY PENIS IN THAT?

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME. GOODNIGHT.

PEOPLE FROM ALL OVER, EVER RACE, EVER COLOR,

MIXING IT UP,LIVING TOGETHER,

AND MAKING MONEY! I LOVE IT. I'M A CITY BOY TOO MAN.

I'M FROM ROGERS PARK IN CHICAGO.

AND AS A WHITE KID GROWING UP IN A BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD MAN,

THAT WAS A GREAT EXPERIENCE. 'CAUSE I LEARNED SOME THINGS

THAT YOU CAN'T LEARN ANY OTHER WAY.

LIKE THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT BLACK GUYS CAN DO

THAT WE JUST CAN'T.LIKE WEAR A PURPLE SUIT

AND NOT LOOK LIKE THE JOKER. I DON'T HAVE THAT OPTION.

I LOVE THAT WHITE PEOPLE LOVE TO STEAL BLACK TRENDS.

ANYTHING THEY DO THAT'S COOL, WE GOT TO DO IT TOO YOU KNOW?

HOW THEY DRESS, WHAT THEY LISTEN TO,

HOW THEY DANCE. WE ALL GOT TO TAKE IT.

BUT IT'S NEVER THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

EVEN IF YOU HADAN ALL WHITE HIGH SCHOOL

WITH ONLY ONE BLACK GUYIN THE ENTIRE SCHOOL.

YOU WOULD STILL SEE89 WHITE KIDS IN FUBU...

BEFORE YOU SEE ONE BLACK GUY WITH A MULLET

- AND A HOCKEY JERSEY. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW WHAT SUCKS FOR MEIS THAT I'M A WHITE GUYWITH A SHAVED HEAD.

AND SOME PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THAT LOOK.

THEY THINK IT MEANS LIKE I'M A SKINHEAD, NAZI, RACIST.

AND I'M LIKE, "NO MAN, IT'S JUST A HAIRCUT.

I LOVE ALL RACES. IT'S WHITE PEOPLE THAT SCARE ME."

'CAUSE SCARY, WHITE PEOPLE

ARE THE SCARIEST PEOPLEIN THE WORLD.

COME ON MAN, IF I SEE A BLACK GUY AND HE SCARES ME,

THERE'S ALWAYS A VOICE IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD THAT'S LIKE,

"JOHN, YOU KNOW THAT'S JUST RACISM.

"YOU KNOW THAT'S JUST THE MEDIA TWISTING HOW YOU THINK.

"WHY ARE YOU GONNA JUDGE THAT MAN BY HIS SKIN COLOR?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"

BUT IF YOU SEE A SCARY WHITE GUY,

YOU KNOW THAT SON OF A BITCH IS DANGEROUS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

JUST PUT YOUR BLIZZARD DOWNAND BACK OUT OF THE DAIRY QUEEN.

IT'S NOT WORTH IT. 'CAUSE THINK ABOUT IT.

WHO'S THE SCARIEST GUY IN PRISON?

THE WHITE GUY. WHY? 'CAUSE HE'S GUILTY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

A LATINO PRISONER MAYBE COULDN'T AFFORD A GOOD LAWYER.

A BLACK PRISONER MAY HAVE BEEN FRAMED.

THE WHITE PRISONER DID IT. THEY GOT THE RIGHT GUY.

AND IF HIS LAWYER COULDN'T GET HIM OFF WITH WHITE,

HE DID SOMETHING TERRIBLE.

AND THE AUDIENCE WILL BE ALL HISPANIC

AND THEY WON'T CARE AT ALL. I'LL BE LIKE "COME ON GUYS,

WHITE PEOPLE SHOULD TREAT BLACK PEOPLE BETTER."

THEY'RE LIKE, "SO WHAT? WE'RE SICK OF BOTH OF YOU.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"BESIDES, YOU'RE ALL GONNA WORK FOR US IN 10 YEARS

WHEN IT'S LOS ESTADOS UNIDOS. SO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT

AS LONG AS YOU GETTO YOUR SPANISH LESSONS.

NOW THERE ISONE GROUP OF WHITE GUYSWHO DOES HAVE IT ROUGH.

THAT'S THE AMERICAN WHITE GUYS IN THE NBA.

'CAUSE THE GOOD JOBS ARE GOING TO THE EASTERN EUROPEANS NOW

AND THESE GUYS DON'T MESS AROUND.

YOU CANNOT INTIMIDATE A CROATIAN WITH STREET BALL.

HE'S BEEN DODGING MISSILES. ELBOWS ARE NOTHING.

YOU CAN'T TRASH TALK STOYOKOVITCH.

"COME ON PUNK, WHAT YOU GOT? COME ON PUNK, WHAT YOU GOT?"

"FOR THREE MONTHS I ATE MICE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHOOT THE ROCK, HOMEY."

I MEAN YOU CAN TAKEVLADI DIVATCH TO THE L.A. RIOTS,

HE'S BE LIKE, "OH MY GOD, I LOVE THIS COUNTRY.

"THEY ONLY FIGHT WITH GUNS.

THEY DON'T USEPOISON GAS OR LANDMINES.IT'S LIKE SPRING BREAK."

AND THAT'LL DO IT FOR ME. THANKS A LOT.

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