Fight Like a Girl

  • Season 3, Ep 7
  • 06/02/2015

Amy helps her boyfriend buy a shirt, gets a mail-order husband and teaches a class in female emotional combat.

(doorbell ringing)

You must be the strippers.

You the groom to be?

No, he's insidewith his buddies.

Come on in.

Oh, who's a good boy?Yes, I know.

Oh, you're gonnahave so much fun.

Yes, I know!

I know, have fun!

Wait, I'm-- I'm sorry.This is just for dogs?

Yeah.

I'm throwingmy dog, Josh,

a wedding tomorrowand, uh,

what's a weddingwithout a bachelor party?

You're gonna have so muchfun, I know, I know!

I gotta write the vows.

♪♪

Jen...seriously?

You never donea dog party before?

No, I've never doneany party before.

This is my first time.I'm just doing it

'cause I need to buya color printer.

How you doing, honey?

Come on.Oh!

Jen, whatare you doing?

Last nightas a free man.

(dog barking)

(whispering)What the (bleep)? Okay.

♪♪

(dog whimpering)Ooh!

I'm sorry.Sorry about that.

That's my bad.

I'm so sorry.(dog growling)

(dog yawning)

This sucks.This is bad for my self-esteem.

You're losing the room.

♪♪

Gentlemen,no touching!

What the (bleep)is this, Jack?

That is one strikefor the whole room.

And it only takes two strikesto end the party.

(Amy)I'm fine.

So, where you from?(doorbell ringing)

(dog growling, barking)

Oh, he's--he's a little busy right now.

(dog barking, growling)

I'm just doing my job,okay?

(barking)

(Jen)She's got a gun!

(screaming)(gunshots)

Ahh!Oh, my God!

Shit.It's gone bad!

We gotta get the hellout of here.

But what about Jen?It's too late for Jen.

We have to move now.

Okay, okay, okay!

(Jack)Move, move, move!

(dog barking)(Amy murmuring)

You got the cords?I've got the cords.

That thing is uselesswithout the cords.

This is mine!This is for me!

(door slamming,tires screeching)

(female announcer)When a woman has to find a shirtfor her special guy,

what will it take for himto say "Fine" to the shirt?

If you love"Say Yes to the Dress,"

you'll understand the conceptof our show,

"Say Fine To The Shirt"!

Amy and her fiancé Brian areshopping for a replacement shirt

after he left his main shirtat an airport.

Just pick something,let's go.

Hi!

♪♪

Welcome, how are you?You look great.

Thank you.And you must be?

Brian.

Didn't catch it.(slurred) Brian!

Nice to meet you "Rah."

No, he's saying "Brian."

Brian, Brian.Nice to meet you, Brian.

Jeez, I justsaid it 14 times.

He's so cute.Didn't catch that either.

So you're our man andlet's find you a shirt!

(Amy)Brian and I have been togetherfor five years,

and engagedfor four-and-a-half years.

Brian is... my soul mate.

We met and we both knewright away,

so I asked him to marry me,and he said,

and I'll never forget it,he said,

"Fine, I guess."

So, guys, what's ourprice range today?

Um, I would say anythingbetween $50, up to--

If it's like, amazing,like, 12,000? Um...

I don't know,what do you think, babe?

Like, what are youcomfortable with?

(muttering indistinctly)

Okay, great.Are we thinking

sexy, classic sleeves?

Maybe some buttons?

Oh! Buttons!Yeah?

Did you say buttons?Yeah, buttons.

Did you hear her?Buttons?

Are you listening?Brian?

Are you even listening?What?

Why am I here?I have another shirt.

I don't need "another"another shirt.

Okay, Brian, whenyou were a little boy

and every night,you dreamed about clothing,

what shirtdid you see?

That never happened.

I didn't dream aboutstupid stuff like that.

Seriously, though,I gotta piss.

Is this fine?

Yeah.

Is this fine?

Fine.

Well, it seems like Brianwill wear almost anything,

so it's really gonnatake all my skills

to make this princefeel like a princess.

Oh!Oh, my God!

What do you think?

Brian has not seen Joshand Beaver since college,

so I hired a private detectiveto track them down.

It cost me $20,000,

but it is sogonna be worth it

to see the look on Brian'sface when he sees them.

Open.

I got your twobest friends from college

to come to sharein our joy.

Yo, what up?

Hey, man.You hear T.J. died?

Oh, for real?

What's up, Beav?

Yo.

(whispering)Magical.

(Travis)Hey, gang!

So Brian, this isa Tommy Bahama.

Okay, so it is blue,it has buttons.

What do you think?

Whatever.Fantastic.

Let's try it on.Come on.

(sighing)Come on, come on.

(whispering)Buttons.

(announcer)It's timefor the big reveal.

Brian has just tried onthe shirt.

Will it be fine or will it beback to the rack for Travis?

Okay, let's seeour prince!

(gasping)

He looks amaze.

Friends, thoughts?

Pretty cool.Doesn't look too gay.

Okay, and you, Brian,what do you think?

Is it everythingyou were hoping for?

I guess.

(Travis)You know what?

I think we needto jack him up.

What?Stand over there.

Do it.

What?

Let him jackyou up, guy!

Just trust me,just trust me.

Now, look.I don't wanna look.

Look in the mirror.

Yes! This ismy new main shirt.

Brian, are you saying"fine" to the shirt?

Fine.Oh!

Fine, yes!A thousand times fine!

(Brian)I love it!

This has been sucha hard year for me.

I just never feltthat good about myself

and then I just looked at myselfin the mirror

and I'm like...I felt like a butterfly.

You know, at the endof the day,

my real job isto make dreams come true.

Also, I'm a cashierat Petco.

♪♪

You're here to learnto evade and defuse,

the ancient art of femaleemotional combat.

Is that a power you wishto possess?

(all)Yes, sensei!

Jeff, you're up first.

Jeff, Kaitlynis your girlfriend.

It's date night.

Bow and begin!

You look reallypretty tonight.

Oh, just tonight?

You always look pretty.

You know, you neversay "beautiful."

Uh, I mean beautiful,it's just not a word I use.

That's interesting, 'causein one of your old e-mails,

you calledyour ex beautiful.

You were goingthrough my emails?

Hey, if you have nothing tohide, it shouldn't be a problem.

It's about privacy.

Stop yelling!(yelling)I'm not yelling!

Stop and bow.

What did Jeffdo wrong?

I was born.Jeff, get in line.

First off,never give your girlfriend

a temporary compliment.She doesn't look pretty.

She is the most beautifulwoman of all time.

Second, change your e-mailpassword every two hours.

And third, never changethe volume of your voice.

Are we clear?

(all)Yes, sensei!

Dave, step in.

Kaitlyn's your girlfriend.

You're eating dinner.She's complaining

about how you're chewing.

And you strongly suspect

that she hasher period.

How do you respond?

Hey, I'm sorry aboutthe chewing.

I'm working on it.

Uh, I knowit bothers you,

I'm trying to bemore aware of it.

I know you're feelingcrazy right now

because you're onyour period.

Unh!

Hyah!(grunting)

Congratulations, Dave.

You're dead.

Try again, new scenario.

Kaitlyn is scowling at youfor no reason.

Go!

Hey, what's wrong?

Nothing.

Stay calm.Remember your training.

Honey, you rememberwhat your therapist said?

When you have a problemwith something,

you gotta communicate.

We'll talk wheneveryou're ready.

I love you and I'm alwayshere for you.

Okay.

Excellent work.Get back in line.

Remember, women can't denythe authority

of therapy and/or Oprah.

Look at how docileKaitlyn is.

Louis!

Step in. You'll be sparringwith me today.

You quietly read that newspaperwhile I attack you.

Begin.

(whispering)

(whispering)

Why are you ignoring me?

Hmm?

I was just readingthe newspaper.

Like, you couldn'teven acknowledge

that you heardmy voice?

I genuinelydidn't hear you.

What did you say?

Never mind.If you wanted to hear me,

you would have listenedthe first time.

Jesus.

You're actinglike your mother.

(echoing)Like your mother.

Mother...Mother...

(gasping)

If you say that,there is no coming back

and I can't help you.

That's all for today.Leave me!

I am notmy fucking mother!

Hyah!

Ahh!

(crying)

(weakly)You're acting likemy mother.