Last F**kable Day

  • Season 3, Ep 1
  • 04/21/2015

Amy raps about butts, learns what happens to women in Hollywood when they get older and tries out an arduous new birth control regimen.


♪ Milk, milk lemonade

♪ Milk, milklemonade ♪

♪ Milk, milk lemonade

♪ 'Round the cornerfudge is made ♪

♪ Milk, milk lemonade

♪ Milk, milklemonade ♪

♪ Milk, milk lemonade

♪ 'Round the cornerfudge is made ♪

♪ Milk, milk lemonade

♪ Milk, milklemonade ♪

♪ Milk, milk lemonade

♪ 'Round the cornerfudge is made ♪

♪ I used to think thatmy tits was where it's at ♪

♪ Used to be concerned thatmy booty was too fat ♪

♪ But now I know the truthand that worry has been shot ♪

♪ Big booty'swhat they want ♪

♪ And big booty'swhat I got ♪

♪ Milk, milk lemonade

♪ Milk, milklemonade ♪

♪ Milk, milk lemonade

♪ 'Round the cornerfudge is made ♪

♪ Milk, milk lemonade

♪ Milk, milklemonade ♪

♪ Milk, milk lemonade

♪ 'Round the cornerfudge is made ♪

♪ Tits are old newsif you know what I mean ♪

♪ All the guys love myfudge machine ♪

♪ Look me in the eye

♪ Get your face indon't be shy ♪

♪ You say youdon't like asses ♪

♪ 'Cause I fart and breakyour glasses ♪

♪ Turd cutter

♪ Loaf pincher

♪ Dookie maker

♪ Fudge machine

♪ Cheek-tastic

♪ Booty Mastiff

♪ Giant tuchus

♪ Fudge machine

♪ On my booty empire

♪ The sun never set

♪ Take a shot

♪ Yeah

♪ Nothing but net

♪ Milk, milk lemonade

♪ 'Round the cornerfudge is made ♪

♪ I'm gonna makeyou scream and shout ♪

♪ From the part of my bodywhere poop comes out ♪

♪ This is wheremy poop comes out ♪

♪ This is where my poopcomes out ♪

♪ This is wheremy poop comes out ♪

♪ This is where my poopcomes out ♪

♪ Talking aboutmy fudge machine ♪

♪ Talking about myfudge machine ♪

♪ Talking aboutmy fudge machine ♪

♪ Talking about myfudge machine ♪

That's right, ladies.

Ain't nothing better than a big,beautiful, sexy booty.

But bottom line,no matter how fine the behind,

you better call that onionwhat it really is.

That shit's a fudge machine.

Turn out.

♪ Milk, milk lemonade

♪ Milk, milklemonade ♪

♪ Milk, milk lemonade

♪ 'Round the cornerfudge is made ♪

♪ This is whereher poop comes out ♪

♪ This is where yourpoop comes out ♪

♪ This is wheretheir poop comes out ♪

♪ This is where ourpoop comes out ♪

♪ This is whatyou think is hot ♪

♪ This is what youthink is hot ♪

♪ This is whatyou think is hot ♪

♪ Talking about myfudge machine ♪

♪ This is whatyou think is hot ♪

♪ This is what youthink is hot ♪

♪ This is whatyou think is hot ♪

♪ Talking about myfudge machine ♪♪

It's whereyour poop comes out.


(morning announcer) It's Monday and that means

the big game against Galveston

is just a few days away.

We're praying that new guy, Coach Thompson,

is getting our Bronconeers ready for combat.

You the new footballcoach down at the high school?

Yes, sir.Coach Thompson.

This is my wife, Amy.

Hey, y'all.

Coach Crawfordwas like family.

You got somebig shoes to fill.

We sure love ourfootball around here,

more than anything.

My wife baked youup a pecan crumb.

Go Bronconeers!Bronconeers.

Ain't it goodto be the coach?

(wine splashing)


♪ She could get it all night ♪

♪ Night, night, night, night, night, night ♪

♪ She could get it ♪

(radio switches off)

Now, I'm not surewhat you heard about me,

but I do thingsa little different

than y'all are used tohere in Stewford Heights.

This season, we're gonnabe the first team

in the county to runa no-huddle offense.

What?You don't like that?

You can just look at my 14-2record Northeast last year.

Second, we dotwo-a-days every day.


And third, now, I just need yougo to with me on this one.

(marker screeching)

(boy)No raping?

But coach, we play football.

My team, my rules.You don't like it,

don't let the door rapeyou on the way out.

(clipboard slamming on floor)

Can we rapeat away games?

Nope.What if it's Halloween

and she's dressedlike a sexy cat?

Nope.What if she thinksit's rape

but I don't?(Coach Thompson)Still no.

What about,like, a sexy ladybug?

(boy)Ah, yeah.Mm.

Nope.(disappointed sighing)

A ghost?

What about a sexy owl?

(bell ringing)

Sexy Transformer?

What if my momis the D.A.

and won't prosecute?

Can I rape?

No, you cannot.

(disappointed sighing)

What if she's drunkand has a slight reputation

and no one'sgonna believe her?

That ain't allowed.Okay.

The girl said yes to methe other day,

but it wasabout something else.


What if the girl said yes

but then she changes hermind out of nowhere,

like a crazy person.

You gotta stop.

No, you gotta stop!

(boys)Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey! Hey!

(boy)Where did that come from?


You're that new coachwho don't like raping.

(woman 2)How are our boys supposed tocelebrate when they win?

Or blow off steamif they lose?

(hocking a loogie, spitting)

That's not veryneighborly, ladies.

These folks,that's just their way, okay?

You can't bring a wet mulearound a hot corn oven.

Yeah, that's the truth.Right?

How about just backing off thiswhole no raping thing for now?

No, I know, I--We've been throughthis a million ti--

I know we've beenthrough it and I know

we have a daughter, okay?

I know that and I love her,but I am so tired.

I don't know why,but I am,

you know?


(knocking on door)

Hey, Coach, um.

Can I come in?


Uh, I'm sorry to botheryou at home, Coach,

but you're the closest thingI ever had to a dad

and I just wanna,you know, ask.

Go ahead, son.

But, like, what if someoneelse is raping her, right,

and I'm just, like,filming it on my phone?

No, no, it's still a no.You're just as guilty,

but you alreadyknew that, right?




(sports announcer) The Bronconeers are taking a beating out there.

Oh, we got a hard hit on Cunningham and he is down.

It's pretty severe.

Just give it to mestraight, Doc.

Will my boyever rape again?

Afraid not.

(crying)It's okay.It's okay.

It's okay.

(sports announcer) Bronconeers are really feeling Cunningham's loss.

They're down 15 points.

And that's halftime, folks.(whistle blowing)

We should notbe losing this game.

Dugan, what the hell wereyou thinking out there

on that lastplay, son?

I was-- I wasthinking about raping.

God damn it.

(crashing, rattling)

How do I get through to you boysthat football isn't about rape?

It's about violently dominatinganyone that stands

between youand what you want.

Now, you gotta get yourselfinto the mindset

that you are gods

Yeah.and you areentitled to this.


That other team,they ain't just gonna lay down

and give it to you.(boy)No!

You gotta go outthere and take it.

(all cheering)

Now let's get out there.


Clear eyes.

Full hearts.

(all)Don't rape!

(indistinct shouting)

Woo! Yeah.

Ain't it goodto be the coach?

I love you, baby.

(crowd cheering)

♪ There she goes like a shooting star ♪

♪ She got fireworks in her heart ♪

♪ Lighting up this world...

(women laughing)

(woman)You guys.You never slept with him.

You don't knowwhat you're missing.

(woman 2)No way!

It's crazy.


Are you lost?

Um, I'm sorry.

I just-- I loveall of you, I can't--

(laughing)I can't believeyou're here.

You're, like,literally my heroes.

(Julia)God, you look familiar.

Are you that girlfrom the television

who talks about herpussy all the time?


That-- Yes, thank you.

How fun.Well, come sit.Please.

(laughing)Come on.Yeah.

Come talk aboutyour pussy over here.

(Amy giggling)

Is it-- Is itsomeone's birthday or--


Kind of the opposite.

We're celebrating Julia'slast fuckable day.

(Julia)Yes, salud.


Um, I'm sorry, did you sayJulia's last fuckable day?


What is that?

In every actress' life,

the media decideswhen you finally

reach the point where you're notbelievably fuckable anymore.

But-- I mean,how do you know?

Who tells you?

Well, nobody--Nobody really overtly tells you,

Right.but there are signs.

You, like--You know how Sally Field

was Tom Hanks'love interest

in "Punchline" and then,like, 20 minutes later,

she was his momin "Forest Gump"?

Or you might getoffered a romcom

with Jack Nicholsonwhere you're competing

with another womanto fuck him.

I just had an auditionfor Mrs. Claus.You're kidding me.

I read for that part.You did?

I read for that, too.(Julia)You did?

Yes.Hey, who got that?

J.Lo.(gasping)Oh, she'll be good.

She's gonna be really good.(Julia)Really good.

Or you go to a movie set,

you go to wardrobeand the only thing

they have for you to wearare long sweaters,

like cover you uphead to toe kind of thing.

Right, or, like,the poster for your movie

is just, like, a pictureof a kitchen.

Yeah.With these very upliftingand yet vague titles, like,

"Whatever It Takes"or "She Means Well."

That kindof thing, right?

Another common sign is when theystart remaking your best movies

with younger,more fuckable actresses.

I guess they're making "Boyhood"with Selena Gomez in my part.

That's gonna makea lot of money.

I don't understand.You're all so fuckable.

Like, believe me, no onewas more surprised than me

that they let me stay fuckablethroughout my 40s

and the fact that itcontinued into my 50s.

This was just like,thanks, but...

I thought that US Weeklyhad made some sort of

a clerical erroror something.

Tell me about it.If you shoot a sex scene

the night beforeyour birthday,

everyone is like,hurry up, hurry up,

we gotta get itbefore midnight,

'cause they thinkyour vagina

is gonna turninto a hermit crab.Uh-huh.

Well, is there anythingyou can do to delay it?

Yeah, I mean, you can try,but it only makes it worse,

like thoseReal Housewives.

They try to look young,

but then they end uplooking like a purse

that meltedin a car accident.Yeah.

They look like when a kiddraws a face on its hand.

But what about men?Like, who tells men

when it's theirlast fuckable day?

(all laughing)

Honey, men don'thave that day.Never.

Well, they'refuckable forever.

They could be 100 and, like,nothing but white spiders

coming out,but they're fuckable.

I didn't get this commerciallast week for AARP

because the directorsaid I was too old

to play Larry King's wife.

I heard that Bruce Willis

just got engaged to a girlwho is 24 years younger than him

and I heard thatshe's an actual baby lamb.


Mm, Google it.

So, wait, are you guys,like, bummed at all?


Are you kidding me?

I'm thrilled.


I mean, I don't haveto deal with this,

maintaining this anymore.

I mean, it's just such--It's a godsend.

I can growmy pubes out, it's--

Look at this.

See this ice cream?

It's been sittingout here for an hour.

You wanna know why?

Watch this, baby.

(all chanting)Chug, chug, chug, chug!

Chug, chug, chug, chug!

(Amy chuckling)Oh, my God!Woo!


Whoa! (laughing)


Oh, whoa.(Tina)Hilo !

(all laughing)

(Julia)All right.

You knowwhat's next.

Let's go dothis thing.

Where are we going?

To do the ritual.

And then we puther in the boat

and we push her outinto the water

and we drink champagneto salute how fuckable

she wasfor so many years.

It's nice.

(Julia)Yeah, It's really nice.

(all shouting)Cheers.


And where is she going?


Wait, what?

Tina, no!

Seriously, relax.

She's justgoing to her house.

I gotta get clothes that I'vegot to get out of the dryer.

(exhaling)Okay, I was right.

She's an actual baby lamb.


(Julia)Can I see it?


Good for them.

I'm out.

Okay, bye,I'll see you.


What are you doing?

I'm just gonna, um,go home and wax my beard.

When does that start?