Tuesday, September 27, 2016

  • 09/27/2016

Grace Helbig, Hannah Hart and Mamrie Hart of "Dirty 30" narrate Hillary Clinton's inner monologue, make up #AllMaleReboots and create YouTube tutorials for amateur exorcists.

Last night wasthe first presidential debate

between meme-GrandmaHillary Clinton

and fat-suit-Robert-RedfordDonald Trump.

They covered everythingfrom international trade,

to healthcare, to whether

Trump called Rosie O'Donnell"a disgusting slob."

-(laughter)-I'm kidding!

-They actually didn't talkabout healthcare. -(laughter)

Now in case you didn't watch

'cause you wantto maintain a naive belief

in the concept of democracy...

The fact that (bleep)is not gonna get

real weird in, like, six weeks.

The debate basically boiled downto Hillary listening patiently

while Donald Trump rantedlike a bus-station hobo.

Here's a tiny example of that.

Well, nobody was pressing it.Nobody was caring much about it.

I figured you'd ask the questiontonight, of course,

but nobody was caring muchabout it.

But I was the onethat got him to produce...

-uh, the birth certificate...-(contestants mocking, babbling)

...and I think I did a good job.

Hey, that was a very good movewith the, uh, birth certificate.

(laughter)

I don't know, though.I'm still undecided about this.

Comedians, you probably havesome experience

nodding alongwhile a man is talking,

-like now, for instance.-(laughter)

Uh, so... I would like youto give me...

(applause)

At this moment, right now,

'cause I liketo hear my own voice,

I want you to give meHillary's internal monologue

while Trump is rambling.

-Grace.-Okay.

Well, nobody was pressing it...

There's clearly a tiny child

inside this nastyold man's body.

-(laughter)-Oh, my God!

Was that movie Big actually a documentary?

(laughter)

-(applause and cheering)-Point to Grace Helbig.

Mamrie.

And to think they thought

a presidential nominee wouldn'tfind time to do her Kegels.

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

HARDWICK:Ah.

That's right.

-Very athletic.-And down.

(laughter)

They're gonna change the nameof the building

to the "Tight House."

-Yeah!-HARDWICK: Oh, come on.

-(applause and cheering)-Come on.

Hannah.

You (bleep), you miserable(bleep) (bleep).

I should just walk right over

and rip that wig off yourgeriatric richie-rich ass.

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: All right.

-(cheers and applause)-Points for Hannah.

And now it is timeto trudge forward

and play tonight's #HashtagWars.

(cheering, applause)

It's been a...it's been a big year

for all-female reboots,to the delight of shut-ins

-all over the Internet.-(laughter)

From Ghostbusters to theupcoming Oceans Eleven spin-off,

and hopefully, come November, Air Force One.

I'm hoping for it.I'm really hoping for it.

-(laughter)-Hoping for th...

It'd be a great...it'd be a great movie!

This would be a great movie.

But these reboots gothe other way, too,

like the new Splash moviethey're making

with Channing Tatumas the first merman

with six-pack abs.So, comedians,

let's stay ahead of the curveand offer up some of our own

with tonight's hashtag#AllMaleReboots.

Examples might be: How Stallone Got His Groove Back;

-or...-(laughter)

The Misterhood of the Traveling Cargo Pants.

-(laughter) -Uh, I'm gonna put60 seconds on the clock,

and begin.

-Grace. -Sweet Home Depot Alabama.

-Points.-(laughter)

-Mamrie. -The Scrotebook.

-Points.-(laughter)

The Scro...

(laughter)

-Mamrie. -Sleepless in Cialis.

-Points!-(laughter)

Grace Helbig, Hannah Hartgetting shut out.

-Pretty in the Pink. -Yes, points. -(laughter)

-Mamrie. -You've Got Male-Pattern Baldness.

-Points.-(laughter)

-Mamrie -Breakfast at Hooters.

-Points.-(laughter)

Hannah Hart.

An all-male reboot of The Heat, called "The Meet."

HARDWICK:Yes, points.

-Grace.-Three Men and Another Man.

HARDWICK:Points.

"Why don't we just call it"Four Men"? I don't know."

Hannah.

-Catwoman Man.-HARDWICK: Yes, points.

(Hardwick laughing)

Before the break,

I asked you to makean exorcism tutorial video.

So let's see whatyou guys came up with.

Mamrie, let's start with you.

So, after youclean the vomit off you

and pull the crucifixout of your orifice,

be sure to exercise your fingers

by subscribing for more vidsthat'll make your head spin.

Love you like an...

(deep voice): exor-sister.

The subscribe call to actionon that was flawless

-at the end.-Thank you, thank you, sir.

Uh, all right,Hannah, you're next.

Hey, guys, it's me, Hannah.

Today we're going to learnhow to you expel demons

that have overtakenyour mortal soul.

So let's get started firstwith some incantations.

(speaking Latin)

(roaring)

Whew.

(chuckles)

Oh, wow.

Anyway, be sure to click "like"and subscribe.

Uh, Grace, you're next.

Hey, guys, it's me again.

So, step one of today's tutorial

is to make sure that your friendis, like, actually possessed

and not having, like, a seizureor something else gross.

So once you rule out scienceyou can start shoving pencils

up their assuntil the demons are gone.

Like and subscribeto my channel, not to Hannah's.

Thank you, bye.

There's-there's a...

The rivalry-- there's a rivalryamong exorcism videos.

I got... I think I have to giveeveryone 5,000 points.

-Those were all fantastic.-Yay! -Yay!

-(whoops)-5,000 points?

Oh, 666.

-666.-Aah! -Oh!