Andrew Santino

  • Season 4, Ep 14
  • 11/28/2015

Andrew Santino translates bird mating calls, explains what you should never do in a bar bathroom and reveals why most traffic laws are stupid.

I picked upmy buddy's kid from a...

from this, uh... this-this park

and this playgroundthat he was at, and...

I just...it's so sad 'cause there...

I looked at the playground,there was nowhere to get hurt.

Like, there was nowherefor tetanus to be caught.(crowd laughing)

I was like, "What? Come on.

Where's creepy, rapey Phil?"Like, there's no one...

(chuckles)

It was the safest playgroundI've ever seen in my life.

Everything was plastic,it was really cute and nice,

and there was, like,cut-up rubber on the ground

for them to land on.And I was like, "This is

"exactly the opposite

of what my playgrounds were likewhen we were kids."

Do you remember our playgrounds?

I don't know what whackadoo teamof engineers

was making our playgrounds,but they wanted to kill us.

They wanted to hurt us so bad.

They were just in a room, like,"All right, we got to, uh...

"got to make a playground.

"Um, let's go make a slide.

"I guess we got to makea slide for them.

"Uh... Hey, is it gonna besitting in the sun all day long?

"We should make it out of metal.Make it out of metal.

"Yes. Make it out of metal.

"Yeah, it'll burn right throughtheir little Umbro shorts.

"They'll just get on it

"and just, uh, skippy down.

"And just blood trailsall the way down the slide.

Oh, it'll be hilarious."

"What about in the winter?""Oh, it'll be an ice luge.

"It'll be... an ice luge.

"What's gonna slow them downat the bottom?

Probably their face-- theirfaces will slow them down."

They hadthese diabolical machines.

They're like,"Go get me a truck tire!

"Put some rusty chains on it!

"Just... I wanta big piece of metal

"that just spins aroundfor no reason.

"Yeah, what's it gonna...

Oh, someone will just die on it,for sure."

Or my favorite, my favorite was,

"Go get me a huge piece of wood,a big 2x4.

"We're gonna put a, uh...

"a thing, a barin the middle of it.

"It's, uh, just gonna rock upand down.

"And the sole safetyof an eight-year-old kid

"ten feet off the ground

will just besome other eight-year-old kid."

"You think he's gonna jump offwhen his buddy..."

"No, no, no."

The whole time, you were like,

(chuckles)"You having fun, man?

Can't wait to break your hip."

outside of my bedroom window,uh, there's a tree.

And inside the treeis all the birds.

In the entire world.

All the birds in the world werelike, "Let's go to the tree!"

And they all came,and they're like,

"You want to wake him upall the time and yell?"

And they're like, "Yeah,that sounds so fun.

How fun, to ruinthis guy's life."

They chirp as loud as they can

at around 3:00 or 4:00in the morning.

I mean, at the topof their little lungs,

which I would love to pop,one by one.

Just-- pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.

Just like bubble wrap,I want to go down the row.

Like-- pop, pop, pop,pop, pop, pop, pop.

But they yell.

And so here I amat 4:00 in the morning

Googling "How to killall the birds."

And Google's like,"I have no idea.

I don't know. You're crazy."

And I got in an Internetwormhole.

You know how you get in,like, a wormhole

and you're like, "Why... How amI on the Home Depot website?

"How did that...Did I just buy lawn furniture?

I don't have a lawn.How did I get here?"

Uh, but I saw this subcategoryand it said

in this part ofSouthern California

this particular bird,it's-it's high mating season.

And I was like,"Oh, that's right.

The bird callis their mating season."

We all know that.

You know, that makesperfect sense.

I can't believe I missed that.

But I thought,the nerve of this dude.

Like, the nerve of these guysthat I have to wake up

at 4:00 in the morningbecause they want to wake up

at 4:00 in the morning,to just go,

"All right...

"Who wants some dick?!Who wants some dick?!

"Who wants some dick?!

"Dick! Dick! Dick!Dick! Dick! Dick!

"Dick-dick-dick-dick-dick-dick-dick-dick-dick-dick-dick...

"Dick-dick-dick-dick-dick-dick- dick-dick...