Mark Schiff & Reid Harrison

  • 02/24/1992

I FEEL TERRIBLE--

THEY HAD TO GET RIDOF MY OWN PEOPLE TONIGHT.

THE ISRAELIS WOULDN'T LEAVETHE LEFT BANK.

FOR THOSE OF YOUWATCHING AT HOME

THERE WAS SOME CRAZYISRAELI CHICK HERE

WHO SAID SHE WASON THE KIBBUTZ WITH ME.

IF SHE HAD TRULYBEEN ON THE KIBBUTZ

SHE WOULD HAVE KNOWNMY COUSINS TZAFRA AND URI

WHO EVERYBODY KNOWS.

AND SHE WOULD HAVE SAID,"I KNOW TZAFRA AND URI"

AND I WOULD HAVE SAID,"OH, GREAT," YOU KNOW, SHALOM.

L'HITRAOT.

MA SHALOMKHA? MA SHALOMEAKH?

YOFI MEOD...

BUT THIS GIRL,SHE WASN'T FROM MY KIBBUTZ.

SHE WAS JUST SOME, LIKE, PSYCHOSLUT ISRAELI GROUPIE DYKE.

( cheering and applause )

I MEAN, I'M NOT EVEN SAFEWITH MY OWN PEOPLE ANYMORE.

WHAT COUNTRY AM I TO GO TOIN AN EMERGENCY?

( laughter )

OH, JESUS, WHAT A NIGHT,WHAT A NIGHT, WHOO!

I'M TELLING YOU,IT'S THE COMEDY BUSINESS.

I DIDN'T USED TO LIKE COMICS.

I WAS THREATENEDBY THE WHOLE SCENE.

I USED TO HANG OUTGLOWERING AT COMICS

AT THE BACK OF THE COMEDY STORE

AND NOW I WELCOME ITTO MY BOSOM.

THIS IS SYMBOLIC THIS EVENING

OF HOW I REALLY FEELABOUT COMEDY.

I WANT TO BRING THEM TO ME

AND THEN GIVE THEM BACK TO YOU

IN A NEW, REINTERPRETED WAY,AN OPEN WAY, A LOVING WAY

AS ONLY I CAN.

( applause )

NOW, IF YOU BELIEVE THAT...

HOW ARE YOU, HONEY?

Man:AWESOME.

YOU'VE HUNG IN,AND YOU'RE STILLFEELING GOOD.

AWESOME.

AND CUTE AS EVER--YOU'RE A CUTIE.

WHY AREN'T YOU ON BEVERLY HILLS 9023000?

AT LEAST YOU'RE NICE.

AND WHY AREN'T YOU SITTING THERE

IN YOURUNDERWEAR?

THOSE KIDSDON'T WEAR PANTS ANYMORE.

THEY JUST WALK AROUNDIN THEIR B.V.D.s

WITH THEIR LITTLE SCHLONGSHANGING OUT.

ACTUALLY, I'VE BEENON THAT SLIM-FAST THING.

I HAD SEVEN OF THEM TODAY,SO I FEEL REAL GOOD.

I'M GOING TO FINISH THE REST OFTHE CAN TONIGHT-- I'M STARVED.

I'M GOING TO EAT THE CAN,THAT'S HOW HUNGRY I AM.

SLIM-FAST IS NOT BAD...

WITH VANILLA ICE CREAM,CHOCOLATE SYRUP, SOME SPRINKLES

AND A BIG CHUNK OF MEAT LOAFALONGSIDE IT.

( laughter )

FOOD IS DECEPTIVE, RIGHT?

THEY OUGHT TO CALL THINGSFOR WHAT THEY ARE

LIKE SARA LEE SHOULD COME OUT

WITH SARA LEE CHOCOLATE CHIPTRIPLE CHIN

SO YOU KNOW WHEREYOU'RE HEADING.

HAAGEN-DAZS VANILLA BIG BUTT,SO YOU KNOW EXACTLY...

( laughter )

AND PUT PICTURES ON THINGS.

PINT OF ICE CREAM,PUT A PICTURE OF SOMEONE

BENDING OVER TO TIE THEIR SHOE.

A BOX OF PRUNES,PUT A PICTURE ON THERE

SO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'RE HEADINGWITH THIS ITEM.

SOME PEOPLE DON'T KNOW.

THEY'LL WAKE UP ONE MORNING,HAVE 50 PRUNES

COUPLE OF BRAN MUFFINS,A HOT CUP OF COFFEE

AND GET IN THE CAR AND GET STUCKIN RUSH-HOUR TRAFFIC.

( laughter )

TALK ABOUT CHANGING LANES, HUH?

YOU TALK ABOUT EXERCISE--I HATE EXERCISE.

I'M NOT ONE OF THESE PEOPLETHAT WAKE UP-- "EXERCISE, YEAH!"

I WAKE UP LIKE, "I'M BEAT, I GOTTO LAY DOWN FOR ANOTHER HOUR."

HEALTH CLUBS DON'T WORK--YOU WALK IN, GIVE THE GUY $500

GO, "THANK YOU,I WILL NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN."

WHAT'S HEALTHY? A STEAM ROOM

SITTING NAKED ACROSS FROMPEOPLE YOU'VE NEVER MET?

JUST LOOK AT THEM GOING, "AH!"

AND THEY'RE LOOKING AT YOUGOING, "AH!"

ALTHOUGH THERE ISGOOD CONVERSATION.

SOMEONE WILL SAY TO YOU,"HOT IN HERE, ISN'T IT?"

I TRIED LIFTING WEIGHTS.

THEY'RE SO HEAVY,IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

( laughter )

THE TRUTH IS, I'M JEWISH,AND JEWS DON'T LIFT WEIGHTS.

THEY SAY TO PEOPLE, "WOULD YOUHELP ME PICK THAT UP, PLEASE?"

( laughter )

"MY BACK IS KILLING ME HERE."

AND JOGGING! THE WHOLE IDEAIS TO GET THAT HEART GOING.

I SAY HAVE A POT OF COFFEE,IT DOES THE SAME THING.

HAVE A COUPLE CUPS,TAKE YOUR PULSE.

"HONEY, I'M UP TO 140,GIVE ME ANOTHER CUP."

DOCTORS HAVE THIS POWER.

THEY CAN OPEN UP ANY DOOR

JUST GO, "GET UNDRESSED,I'LL BE RIGHT IN."

DON'T YOU WISHYOU HAD THAT POWER?

YOU SEE SOMEBODY ATTRACTIVEWALK IN A ROOM

YOU OPEN THE DOOR, "HI, GETUNDRESSED, I'LL BE RIGHT IN."

AND DOCTORS SHOULD HAVEA SENSE OF HUMOR.

THEY SHOULD GO, "TAKE OFFEVERYTHING BUT ONE SOCK

I'LL BE BACK INAN HOUR AND A HALF."

AND THEY MAKE YOU SITON THAT TABLE

WITH THAT WHITE DELI PAPERUNDERNEATH YOU.

I USUALLY BRING A LITTLE PICKLE.

I SIT IT RIGHT NEXT TO MEON THE TABLE.

YOU WANT TO HAVE FUN, HANG THEPICKLE OUT OF YOUR UNDERWEAR.

HE COMES IN, JUST KNOCK ITON THE FLOOR-- "WHOA!"

"SYPHILIS, DOC, SYPHILIS."

"STAGE 800."

SYPHILIS-- PEOPLE FROM ENGLANDARE THE ONLY PEOPLE

THAT CAN MAKE SYPHILISSOUND UPBEAT.

( with English accent: )"I'VE GOT SYPHILIS."

"I'VE GOT SYPHILIS."

"MY WHOLE FAMILYHAS GOT SYPHILIS."

AND DOCTORS GIVE GUYS THAT TEST

WHERE THEY GRAB YOUAND SAY, "COUGH."

AND THEY ASK YOUTO LOOK THE OTHER WAY.

OF COURSE, THEY DON'T WANT YOUTO SEE THEM HAVING A GOOD TIME.

( laughter and applause )

I WAS SITTINGIN THE WAITING ROOM.

YOU EVER BEEN INTHE WAITING ROOM

AND YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE TALKING?

THIS LADY STARTS TALKING TO ME.

MAKE UP STUFF,PEOPLE WILL LEAVE YOU ALONE.

SHE SAYS, "WHAT'S THE MATTER?"

AND I SAID, "MY RIGHT EYEKEEPS POPPING OUT."

"HERE IT COMES!GET OUT OF THE WAY, LADY!

GET OUT OF THE WAY,HERE IT COMES!"

ALTHOUGH RESTAURANTS...

YOU EVER GET A CHECKIN A RESTAURANT

AND THEY LEAVE SOMETHING OFF

BUT SOMEBODY AT THE TABLEALWAYS GETS REALLY NERVOUS?

THEY'RE LIKE, "SHUT UP,THEY LEFT THE ROAST BEEF OFF."

YOU GET OUTSIDE,IT'S LIKE YOU ROBBED A BANK.

YOUR FRIEND GOES,"COME ON, GET IN THE CAR!"

"LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!"

SOMEBODY TWISTS THEIR LEGON THE WAY OUT

THEY GO, "GO WITHOUT ME!"

( laughter )

OR YOU EVER GO OUT WITHA WHOLE GROUP OF PEOPLE

YOU GET THAT CHECK, EVERYBODYGIVES THEIR MONEY TO ONE PERSON?

THIS GUY ALWAYS GETS SCREWED,RIGHT?

BILL WAS 100, HE'S GOTFOUR DOLLARS IN HIS HAND.

( laughter )

EVERYBODY'S OUTSIDE GOING,"LET'S GO!"

( laughter )

HE'S GOING, "$90 FORA GRILLED CHEESE-- WOW."

AND THERE'S A TYPE OF PERSON,EVERY TIME YOU GO OUT

THEY WANT A BITEOF WHATEVER YOU HAVE.

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

AND THEY ALWAYS LIE, LIKE

"WHAT IS THAT? I NEVER HAD THATBEFORE, I SWEAR TO GOD.

"GIVE ME A BITE OF THAT,WILL YOU?

"WHAT IS THAT, A HAM... BURGER?

I HEARD OF THAT,GIVE ME HALF OF THAT."

( laughter )

SAME TYPE OF PERSON,THEY GET A PIECE OF PIZZA

THEY TAKE A BITE AND THEY SUCKALL THE CHEESE OFF THE THING.

MY FAVORITE FOOD IS CHINESE,BUT I HATE THE SERVICE.

CHINESE WAITERS WORK SO FAST.

THE SECOND YOU SIT DOWN,THEY COME RIGHT OVER.

IT'S LIKE, "WHAT YOU WANT?"

"I'LL HAVE..."

"HURRY UP!"

( laughter )

"I GOT A MILLION PEOPLE HERE!"

( laughter )

AND AS SOON ASTHEY LEAVE THE TABLE

SOMEBODY ALWAYS MAKES FUNOF THE GUY.

SOMEBODY ALWAYS GOES...

( speaking imitation Chinese )

( laughter )

SO YOU GO TO THE SUPERMARKET.

SUPERMARKETS ARE OPEN24 HOURS A DAY.

THERE ARE PEOPLE THATACTUALLY SHOP AT 3:00 A.M.

THEY WAKE UP AND GO, "HONEY,I'M GOING TO THE SUPERMARKET.

"YEAH, IT'S ABOUT 3:00.

I'M GOING TO GET A LITTLE DRANOAND SOME JELL-O."

YOU EVER WALK IN THE SUPERMARKETAT 3:00 A.M.?

IT'S LIKE, "CAN YOU MAKE ITA LITTLE BRIGHTER HERE, PLEASE?"

( laughter )

"COME ON, GUYS,CRANK UP THOSE LIGHTS!

"AND TURN THAT FREEZER UP.

WHAT IS IT,NINE BELOW ZERO IN HERE?"

( laughter )

ONE OF THE GREAT THINGSABOUT SUPERMARKETS

YOU CAN BREAK THINGSAND JUST LEAVE THEM THERE.

KNOCK OVER A JAR OF TOMATOSAUCE, THAT'S A SHAME.

( laughter )

YOU EVER START UP THE AISLEWITH THAT CART

YOU SEE AN OLD LADY COMINGAND YOU THINK

"IF SHE DON'T MOVE, I'M GOINGTO JACKKNIFE THIS BABE."

AND I CAN NEVER FIND PEOPLETHAT WORK IN THESE STORES.

I WAS IN THE MEAT DEPARTMENT

I SAW A GUY-- WHITE COAT,BLOOD ALL OVER THE THING.

I SAY, "EXCUSE ME."

HE SAYS, "I DON'T WORK HERE."

( laughter )

THEN YOU GO PAY,THEY PUT YOU ON THE SPOT.

THEY WANT TO KNOW IF YOU WANTPAPER OR PLASTIC BAGS.

I'LL SAY TO THE GUY,"WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD USE?

WHAT'S YOUR HONEST OPINION?"

PEOPLE BEHIND YOU FREAKING OUT.

THEY'RE GOING, "TAKE PAPER,GET OUT OF HERE!"

I LOOK AT THEM AND GO,"YOU DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE

I'M GOING TO WRITE A CHECK,ALL RIGHT?"

( laughter )

THEN YOU GET HOME,PUT THIS STUFF AWAY.

YOU KNOW, I'VE COME TO REALIZETHERE ARE THINGS THAT I BUY

I WAIT FOR THEM TO ROT,THEN I BUY THEM AGAIN.

THEY'RE CALLED VEGETABLES.

AND AT THE BOTTOMOF THE REFRIGERATOR

THEY HAVE THAT CRISPER.

WHAT DOES THIS MAKE CRISP?

HAVE YOU EVER HAD ANYTHINGCOME OUT CRISPER?

THEY SHOULD CALLEDTHAT THE ROTTER

BECAUSE THAT'SWHAT'S HAPPENING.

I WAS CORRECTED TODAY--I CALLED L.A. "L.A."

APPARENTLY YOU'RE SUPPOSEDTO CALL IT LOS ANGELES.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT, ALTHOUGHI DO KNOW THAT IN SAN FRANCISCO

THEY DON'T LIKE YOUTO CALL IT FRISCO.

AND IN NEW YORK,THEY DON'T LIKE THE NICKNAME

"THE BIG MAGGOT-RIDDENSCUM HOLE OF THE EARTH."

THAT'S JUST A TRAVEL TIPFOR YOU.

MY PARENTS' 40th WEDDINGANNIVERSARY LAST WEEK.

I TALKED TO THEM.

THEY'RE FEELING OLD,BUT THEY ALSO BELIEVE

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE IN LIFE TODO THE THINGS YOU REALLY WANT.

SO THIS YEAR THEY PUT ME UPFOR ADOPTION.

I JUST HAD MY FIRST WEDDINGANNIVERSARY ABOUT A MONTH AGO.

THE TRADITIONAL GIFT IS PAPER.

MY WIFE GAVE ME DIVORCE PAPERS--DOES THAT COUNT?

I'M NOT REALLY SUREWHY IT HAPPENED

EXCEPT THAT THE WOMAN I MARRIEDWAS TEN YEARS YOUNGER THAN I

WHICH DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A LOT

BUT WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT,WHEN I WAS A FRESHMAN IN COLLEGE

SHE WAS IN THIRD GRADE.

THERE'S NOTHING REAL IMPRESSIVE

ABOUT SHOWING ABOUTAT A FRATERNITY PARTY:

"GUYS, I'D LIKE YOUTO MEET MARGARET.

SHE'S LEARNING TO READ."

( in baby talk: )"YES, YOU ARE."

( laughter )

PLUS WE DIDN'T HAVE MUCH MONEYWHEN WE GOT MARRIED.

WE COULDN'T AFFORD INVITATIONS,SO WE SENT OUT A CHAIN LETTER.

( laughter )

WE GOT LIKE 200,000 GIFTS.

HAD TO WRITE THANK-YOUNOTES FOR ALL OF THEM.

THANK-YOU NOTES ARE TOUGHBECAUSE YOU'VE GOT TO WRITE

SOMETHING SPECIFICABOUT THE GIFT.

"WELL, THANKSFOR THE POTHOLDERS.

NOW WE CAN, UH...HOLD OUR POTS."

OR, "WE REALLYAPPRECIATE THE TOWELS.

"WE'LL THINK ABOUT YOUEVERY TIME WE USE THEM

"TO WIPE THE SWEAT OFF OUR BODY

"AFTER A NIGHT OFTORRID JUNGLE SEX.

BEST TO YOU AND GRANDPA."

( laughter )

NOW I FACE THE UNENVIABLE TASKOF BEING SINGLE AGAIN.

MY FRIENDS TAKE ME OUTTO A BAR LAST NIGHT.

THIS PLACE WASHAVING SOME PROMOTION

LIKE "DOLLAR SLUT NIGHT"OR SOMETHING.

I HAD A BIG FISTFUL OF COUPONSI WANTED TO GET RID OF, BUT...

SOME WOMAN COMES UP TO ME AND...

YOU CAN REALLY TELL WHENA WOMAN WANTS TO TAKE YOU TO BED

BECAUSE SHE HAS, LIKE,HER DRESS TURNED DOWN

AND A MINT ON HER FOREHEAD.

( laughter and whooping )

I'VE GOT A FEW PEOPLE WHO'VEBEEN TO HOTELS-- THAT'S GOOD.

MY FRIEND ROGERTAKES ME OUT TO THIS PLACE

AND HE'S WEARING COLOGNE,AND THAT'S HIS BIG THING.

HE WEARS THIS STUFF CALLED,LIKE, "TESTOSTERONE."

YVES SAINT-LAURENT OR SOMETHING.

BUT WITHIN FIVE MINUTES, THERE'SA GROUP OF WOMEN AROUND HIM

GOING, "OH, ROGER, WILL YOUCOME HOME WITH ME TONIGHT?"

SO I TOOK SOMEAND SPLASHED IT ON.

FIVE MINUTES LATER

THIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDIS WHISPERING IN MY EAR

"OH, REID, DO YOU THINK ROGERWILL TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT?"

MAGAZINES ARE NO HELP, RIGHT?

HUSTLER MAGAZINE IS PROBABLY

THE WORST MAGAZINE IN THE WORLD.

YOU GET THE IMPRESSIONTHAT THEIR MOTTO IS

"WE DON'T SPEND A WHOLE LOTOF MONEY ON GOOD-LOOKING WOMEN

AND WE PASS THE SAVINGSALONG TO YOU."

HOW AM I GOING TO TAKEANY WOMEN OUT ANYWAY?

I HAVE NO MONEY.

I'M WALKING THROUGH K MART TODAYGOING, "THIS PLACE IS PRICEY."

I GO TO THE PHARMACY TO PICK UPMY PRESCRIPTION FOR PERCODAN

WHICH COMES IN A LITTLE BOTTLEWITH A RED LABEL ON IT THAT SAYS

"ALCOHOL MAY INTENSIFYTHE EFFECT OF THIS DRUG."

NOT REALLY A WARNING, IS IT?

MORE OF A SERVING SUGGESTION.

( laughter and applause )

I TAKE A BIG HANDFULOF PERCODANS

AND I WASH IT DOWN WITH, LIKE,A SIX-PACK OF MILWAUKEE'S BEST.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW,I'M ON PLUTO.

WELL, NOT THE PLANET,THE DISNEY DOG.

( laughter )

I TOOK ON A SUMMER JOBTHIS YEAR.

I'M WORKING DOWNAT THE BEACH HERE.

I'M A LIFEGUARD.

OF COURSE,I'M WORKING ON COMMISSION.

( laughter )

"HEY, YOU KIDS,GO PLAY IN THE RIPTIDE.

GO ON OVER THERE,DADDY NEEDS A NEW C.D."

( in baby talk: )"YES, HE DOES."

YEAH, I WORK.

THERE SHOULD BE SOMEAGE LIMITS ON CERTAIN JOBS

LIKE MECHANICS SHOULD HAVE TO BEOLDER THAN 14.

I TOOK MY CAR INTO THE SHOPLAST WEEK.

I LEFT IT THERE FOR A WEEKAND THEY GAVE ME A LOANER...

WELL, NOT A CAR, JUST SOME GUYWHO WANTS TO BE BY HIMSELF.

I WALK UP TO THE MECHANIC,AND I SAY

"CAN YOU GET TO MY CARBY TOMORROW?"

THIS KID'S LIKE 14,HE GOES, "HEY, WISH I COULD

"BUT I'M GOING TO SEENIRVANA TONIGHT, MAN.

I CAMPED OUT THREE NIGHTSTO GET TICKETS-- YOU KNOW WHY?"

"NO, WHY?"

"WELL, 'CAUSE NIRVANA RULES."

HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO THAT, HUH?

( laughter )

WHEE-DOGGIES, GRANNY.

( laughter )

I DON'T KNOW, I DRIVE A GREMLIN.

( laughter )

I'M NOT SAYING THATJUST TO IMPRESS YOU.

IT'S THE TURBO GT MODEL.

IT CAME WITH TINTED WINDOWS,WHICH SOUNDS PRETTY STUPID.

BUT THINK ABOUT IT, MAN--

WHO THE HELL WANTS TO BE SEENDRIVING A GREMLIN?

AND IT'S A REAL CHEAPTINTING JOB, TOO.

THEY JUST TOOK A BUNCHOF FRUIT ROLLUPS

AND STUCK THEM ON THE WINDOW.

BECAUSE I WENT TO COLLEGE

AND I STUDIED EVERYTHINGTHAT I WANTED TO.

I STUDIED ZEN BUDDHISM

WHICH COMES IN REAL HANDY, LIKE,WHEN I'M DOING THIS NEXT BIT.

OUR PROFESSOR WAS GREAT.

HE'D SAY, "IN ZEN THE BEAUTYIS IN THE CONTRADICTION.

YOU TRY BY NOT TRYING,YOU SUCCEED BY NOT SUCCEEDING."

SO I TOOK THE FINAL EXAMBY NOT GOING.

OF COURSE, I FAILEDBY NOT PASSING, TOO.

ANTHROPOLOGY WAS EASY--YOU ONLY HAD TO KNOW

THAT MAN EVOLVEDFROM THIS TO THIS.

IN A MILLION YEARS

WE'RE ALL GOING TO BEWALKING AROUND LIKE THIS.

APPARENTLY DARWINISM IS NOTHINGBUT A BIG LIMBO CONTEST.

APPARENTLY THE JAMAICANS ARETHE MASTER RACE OF THE FUTURE.

BUT WE USED TO TAKETHESE GREAT SKI TRIPS.

I KNOW YOU GUYS LIKE TO SKI

BUT I WAS DOWN IN ALABAMATALKING TO THEM DOWN THERE.

ONE GUY STANDS UP, HE SAYS,"SKIING! ON SNOW?

HOW THE HELL DO YOU GET THE BOATUP THE TOP OF THE HILL?"

( laughter )

NEVER GO SKIING BY YOURSELF.

THIS IS MY ADVICE TO YOU

BECAUSE YOU GET DOWNTO THE LIFT LINE

YOU GOT TO STAND OUT THEREALL DAY YELLING OUT, "SINGLE."

WHY DON'T THEY JUST MAKE YOUYELL OUT, "LONESOME!"

"FEAR OF COMMITMENT!"

I GET PUT ON A LIFTWITH SOME KID.

HE'S GOING TO TELL MEALL HIS SKIING STORIES.

"UP IN VAIL THERE WAS 14 INCHES

"OF UNBELIEVABLECHAMPAGNE POWDER.

I'M DOING HELICOPTERSOFF THESE MOGULS-- IT WAS HOT!"

( laughter )

"HEY, AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BEWORKING ON MY CAR?"

( laughter )

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