CC Presents: Darrell Hammond

  • 12/03/2000

Darrell Hammond works through divorce-born PTSD and details how a marriage falls apart.

I'VE BEEN OUT OF MANHATTANFOR A WHILE, BEEN DOWN SOUTH.

SOMETHING ALWAYS HAPPENSTO LET YOU KNOW

YOU'RE BACK INNEW YORK, Y'KNOW ?

FLICK A CIGARETTE INTOA MUD PUDDLE--

SSST !

( boom )

THE WAY PEOPLE ORDERIN A RESTAURANT.

"COULD YOU TAKE MY ORDERBEFORE JESUS GETS BACK ?

"WHATSA MATTER WITH YOU ?

"I'VE EVOLVED INTO ANOTHERSPECIES OVER HERE,

"YOU UNDERSTAND ?

"I CAN'T EATCLAM CHOWDA NO MORE.

I GOTTA SEE THE CYBORG MENU,YOU UNDERSTAND ?"

I MEAN, IF YOU THINKABOUT IT, NINE MILLION--

WHAT DO WE HAVE,NINE MILLION PEOPLE

ON A 12-SQUARE-MILE ISLAND ?

WE'RE PRETTY TIGHT.

IT IS FASCINATING, TOO, LIVINGIN A MULTICULTURAL SOCIETY.

I LOVE THE FACTTHAT WE GET ALONG

EVEN THOUGH MANY TIMESWE DON'T UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER.

IT'S INTRIGUINGTO ME, THOUGH,

WHEN YOU'RE LIKE,ARGUING WITH SOMEONE

AND YOU CAN'T UNDERSTANDEACH OTHER,

HOW YOU'LL STARTTALKING LIKE EACH OTHER.

LIKE, I WAS IN THE LAUNDROMATTHE OTHER DAY.

AND I-- YOU KNOW THESENEW MACHINES,

Y'KNOW, YOU HAVE TO HAVEA DEGREE IN CALCULUS.

THEY'RE VERYCOMPLICATED MACHINES.

I'M PUTTING THE QUARTERS INAND THE THING STARTS--

( rumbling )

SHAKINGAND ALL THAT.

AND THE OWNERCOMES OVER, HE'S LIKE,

( Asian accent )"YOU PUT TOO MANY QUARTERIN THERE !"

I SAID, "I NO PUT TOO MANYQUARTER IN THERE."

"NO... I COME HERE,DO MY LAUNDRY,

"FIRST TIME, LONG TIME.

I NO PUT TOO MANYQUARTER IN THERE."

AND IF YOU'VE NEVERBEEN TO NEW YORK

YOU GOTTA VISIT MY FAVORITEBOROUGH, BROOKLYN--

( applause )

ARE YOU FROM BROOKLYN ?IT'S SOMETHING.

PEOPLE IN BROOKLYN WEAR THEIRHEARTS ON THEIR SLEEVES.

"EXCUSE ME, SIR,I'M LOST."

"GLAD I'M NOT YOU !"

BASICALLY A GOOD PEOPLE,BUT A TOUGH PEOPLE.

LET'S FACE IT, FOLKS.

THAT'S WHY THEYHAVEN'T WRITTEN

GHOST STORIESFROM BROOKLYN.

I THINK I CANUNDERSTAND.

GHOSTS ARE SORT OF GETTINGTOGETHER AND SAYING,

"YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS ISJUST NOT WORTH IT."

I GET THAT, TOO,YOU KNOW ?

IT'D PROBABLY BE TOUGHTO HAUNT A GUY

WHO'S LOOKINGAT YOU LIKE,

"YEAH, YOU THE ONE GOING'WOO-WOO-WOO'

"UP AND DOWN THE HALL ?

"ARE YOU THE ONE GOING'WOO-WOO-WOO' ?

"SHUT THAT ( bleep ) UP.

"YOU UNDERSTAND ?

"MY WIFE AND I ARE TRYINGTO SLEEP, CASPER.

"ANOTHER'WOO-WOO-WOOO...'

"I'M GONNA SUCK YOUR ASSINTO MY VACUUM CLEANER.

"YOU DISAPPEAR...YOU DON'T COME HOME.

"HONEY, YOU HEARWHAT I TOLD HIM ?

"I TOLD HIM I'D PUT HIMIN THE VACUUM CLEANER.

THIS ( bleep ) AIN'T EVENIN THE UNION."

A GALAXY-WIDE REPUTATIONFOR SUCKING

CALLED "ALABAMA".

AND NOT FROM ONE OFTHE GOOD PARTS.

I'M FROM ONE OF THOSE PLACESWHERE THE WHOLE NUMBER SYSTEM

CONSISTS OF "ONE", "TWO"AND "A ( bleep )-LOAD".

THE SOUTH IS WHERE I MARRIEDAND DIVORCED.

I'M AFRAID OF WOMENSINCE MY DIVORCE.

THERE WAS A BEAUTIFUL WOMANON THE TRAIN TONIGHT.

I WANTED TO SAY SOMETHINGINTELLIGENT TO HER.

WHAT ENDED UP COMING OUTOF MY MOUTH WAS,

( childish )"SO, HOW LONG HAVE YOUBEEN ON THE CHOO-CHOO ?"

Y'KNOW, YOU TALK ABOUTA CRAPPY PICKUP LINE...

"HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEENON THE CHOO-CHOO ?"

I MIGHT AS WELLHAVE JUST SAID,

( "Schwarzenegger" )"IF YOU STRUGGLE, IT WILLONLY MAKE IT HARDER."

"THE CHOO-CHOO."

THIS LOVE THING IS HARD.

MY PARENTS ARE MARRIED46 YEARS,

THEY LOOK TERRIFIC.

I WAS MARRIEDJUST UNDER AN HOUR...

I ALREADY LOOKED LIKEA BURGLAR, TOO.

MY FRIENDS COME OVER,"DARRELL, HOW ARE YOU ?"

I SAY, "SHH !

"SHE'S RIGHT IN THERE.

"DON'T TOUCH THAT TOWEL,DON'T TOUCH THAT--

OHH !"

NOW, IF YOU LAUGHAT THAT AT ALL,

YOU MUST KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKETO DROP A TOWEL ON THE FLOOR

AND HEAR AN ALARM GO OFF...

BECAUSE YOUBROKE A RULE.

THE KIND OF RULEWHICH EXISTS ONLY

IN A HOUSE FULL OF LOVE.

YES, THERE YOU'LL FINDRULES FOR THE BATHROOM,

RULES FOR THE KITCHEN,

RULES FOR THE SWEET 'N LOWDISPENSER.

"HEY, THAT STACK OFDISHES IN THE SINK,

HOW LONG CAN THEYSTAY THERE ?"

YOU'D BETTER KNOW.

'CAUSE SOMEBODY KNOWS.

BUT SINCE THERE'S ONLY TWO OFYOU ON THE RULES COMMITTEE...

HOW MUCH YOU WANNA BETIT AIN'T YOU ?

YOU DON'T GET DIVORCED'CAUSE THE THRILL IS GONE.

IT'S 'CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOWHOW TO STACK THE TAPES RIGHT

UNDERNEATH THE V.C.R.

OR YOU PUT THE SPOON IN THE FORKSLOT OF THE SILVERWARE DRAWER

AFTER HAVING BEENREPEATEDLY WARNED !

MY EX TRIED HARD,

BUT IN THE ENDTHE HOLE IN HER MOUTH

WAS NO LONGER BIG ENOUGHFOR ALL OF THE TOPICS

TO COME OUT AT ONE TIME.

SHE'D YELL AT ME,

IT WAS LIKE BEING YELLED ATBY AN AUCTIONEER.

LIKE, "DARRELL,DAMN IT !

( auctioneer gibberish )

I'M NOT SAYING I DIDN'TLOVE THE SARGE, OKAY ?

MY WIFE READ EVERY BOOKTHERE WAS ON MARRIAGE.

SHE'D FINISH WITH A BOOK,I'D CATCH A BEATIN'.

WHY ?

APPARENTLY I'M INEVERY BOOK.

I DON'T KNOW HOWTHAT COULD HAPPEN,

BUT IF YOU GO TOANY BOOKSTORE,

LOOK AT ANY BOOKON MARRIAGE,

YOU'LL SEE AT LEASTONE PHOTO OF ME

ABOUT TO PUT AN ICE TRAY WITHONLY ONE ICE CUBE LEFT IN IT

BACK INTOTHE REFRIGERATOR.

WITH AN ATTACHED AUDIO CASSETTEOF MY WIFE GOING--

( auctioneer gibberish )

MY WIFE WAS GERMAN,

AND WHILE GERMAN WOMENARE ATTRACTIVE TO THE EYE,

GERMAN AIN'T THE MOST ROMANTICLANGUAGE ON THE EARTH.

IT'S TOUGH TO SUSTAINYOUR PASSION

WHEN YOUR WIFE'S PULLINGON YOUR EARS LIKE--

( harsh, guttural German )

"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA !"

"JEEZ, GRETEL,I'M TRYING TO MAKE LOVE,

"YOU'RE CONJURING UP YOURDEAD RELATIVES OVER THERE.

GET OUT OF HERE !"

HERE'S MYMARRIAGE QUIZ.

YOUR WIFE COMES IN AND SAYS,"DO YOU THINK I LOOK FAT ?"

DO YOU SAY, A: "YEAH,YOU COULD LOSE A FEW."

B: "NO, HONEY, YOU'VENEVER LOOKED BETTER."

OR C: "WAIT, LET ME GET MYPROTECTIVE HEADGEAR." ?

OKAY, I SAID A: "YEAH,YOU COULD LOSE A FEW."

AND AS THEY SAY INTHE NATURE SPECIALS

WHEN THE WILDEBEESTLEAVES THE HERD,

"SADLY NOW, THERE CAN BEBUT ONE OUTCOME."

IT'S A GOOD JOB.

YOU GET TO DO A LOT OF THINGSYOU DON'T DESERVE TO DO.

LIKE, I GOT TO GO TO THE OVALOFFICE A COUPLE-- THREE TIMES,

AND HANG OUT THERE AT THEFRIGGIN' OVAL OFFICE, MAN.

AND IT'S WEIRD.

YOU'RE IN THE OVAL OFFICE,YOU THINK,

YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA BEPATRIOTIC, BUT YOU'RE NOT.

YOU JUST WANT TO USETHE PHONE, Y'KNOW,

AND CALL SOMEBODY THATYOU KNOW HAS CALLER I.D.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

AND YOU KNOW,THIS CLINTON,

IF NOTHING ELSE,YOU HAVE TO SAY

THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON,IT WAS FUN.

IT WAS FUN WITH HIM.

( applause )

WELL...

HE HAD A FUNPRESIDENCY.

I MEAN, EVERY DAYHE'S IN ANOTHER JAM.

AND NOT A FENDER BENDEREITHER.

THE KIND OF STUFF THATJAMES BOND CAN'T GET OUT OF.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

CAUGHT ON CAMERA LYING--LYING ON CAMERA !

HOW DOES HEGET OUT OF IT ?

HE DEBATES THE MEANINGOF THE WORD "IS."

THAT'S CLASSY.

Y'KNOW, EVEN JAMES BONDWOULD BE LIKE--

( "Sean Connery" )"WELL... FULL MARKS, LAD.

NORMALLY I HAVE TOUSE A JET PACK."

AND AS GREATAS THE DRAMA WAS

WHEN HE WENT ON TV AND SAID,"I MISLED YOU, I DID--"

HE APOLOGIZED TO US.

IF I WAS HIM, I WOULDN'THAVE GONE ON AND SAID,

"I MISLED YOU,I DEEPLY REGRET IT."

I'D HAVE GONE ONTELEVISION AND SAID...

( "Clinton" )"UH... I UH...

I WANNA SPEAK TO JUST THE MENIN THE AUDIENCE FOR A SECOND."

"UH, FELLAS...Y'ALL KNOW MY WIFE.

"OKAY, THAT'S NUMBER ONE.

"BUT, FELLAS, MY WIFELETS ME DO THESE THINGS.

"I WANT YOU TO PUT YOURSELFIN MY SHOES.

"A 20-YEAR-OLD INTERN,BIG OL' BOOBIES...

"YOUR WIFE SAYS,'HEY, GO AHEAD.'

"WHAT WOULD YOU DO ?

"I THINK YOU KNOWTHE ANSWER.

"I THINK I DO, TOO.

"NOW, NOW I'D LIKETO SPEAK TO

"JUST THE WOMENIN THE AUDIENCE.

"LADIES...

"I LIVE AT1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE.

"HA-HA !

RING THE NIGHT BELL."

CLINTON'S WHACKED, MAN,THIS GUY IS DANGEROUS.

HE'S THE KIND OF GUYTHAT CAN SAY TO A WOMANAND GET AWAY WITH IT,

"Y'KNOW, IF YOU'D ONLYTAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF

"AND LET ME SEEYOU NAKED...

"THERE WOULD BENO MORE RACISM.

LET FREEDOM RING."

VICE PRESIDENTS--QUAYLE.

QUAYLE'S ATTENTIONWOULD WANDER.

Y'KNOW, YOU HAD THE FEELINGIF SOMEONE BOUNCED A BALL

THROUGH THE SENATE DOOR--

( kid's voice )"LOOK AT THAT COOL BALL !"

BUSH WASN'T LIKE THAT,THOUGH,

WHEN HE WASVICE PRESIDENT.

BUSH WOULDLOOK AT REAGAN

LIKE YOUR DOG LOOKS ATYOUR ANSWERING MACHINE

WHEN YOUR VOICECOMES OUT, JUST--

"WHAT THE HELL ?

"WHAT THE HELLIS HE TALK-- WHAT ?

WHAT THE HELL IS HETALKING ABOUT ?"

'CAUSE, Y'KNOW, REAGAN,HE COULD SAY NOTHIN'

AND SOUND LIKEHE SAID SOMETHING.

IT'S TRUE,YOU COULD SAY,

"MR. REAGAN, I GOT A PHOTOOF YOU SKINNY-DIPPING

"WITH THEAYATOLLAH KHOMEINI.

YOU WANNA COMMENT ?"

( "Reagan" )"WELL, IF YOU UH...

"IF YOU TAKEA BICYCLE PUMP...

"AND LEAVE IT OUTSIDEOVERNIGHT, YOU,

"WELL...

YES, NEXT QUESTION."

IS JESSE JACKSON,BUT I ALWAYS WONDER:

DOES JESSE JACKSON EVEN HAVECASUAL CONVERSATIONS ?

DOES HE EVEN SHOOTTHE BREEZE AT ALL ?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

IT'S LIKE, "JESSE, YOU THINKYOU'D LIKE SOME DINNER ?"

( "Jesse Jackson" )"I'LL CERTAINLY WILL SETTHAT APPARATUS IN MOTION.

"MADE GOOD JUDGMENT.

"BUT NOT ONLY THAT,MADE GOOD SENSE.

"TO HAVE A HEARTYBREAKFAST.

"MAKE GOOD JUDGMENT.

"NOT ONLY THAT, IT CERTAINLYMADE GOOD SENSE

"TO HAVEA HEARTY LUNCH.

"I TAKE THE POSITION !

WHO SAID THEY'DTAKE THE OTHER ?"

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU FELLASHAVE EVER LOST

A LOT OF ARGUMENTSWITH A WOMAN.

I HAVE.

I THINK WOMEN CAN THINK

OUT OF BOTH SIDES OFTHEIR BRAIN AT ONE TIME.

I SWEAR TO GOD.

OH !

NOBODY WANTS TO BE SUPERIORTO WOMEN MORE THAN ME.

IT JUST HASN'T WORKED OUT.

BUT WOMEN SEEM TO BE ABLE TOCOMBINE EMOTION AND INTELLECT

AT THE SAME TIME,AND FIGHT LIKE THAT.

WHICH TO A MAN IS LIKEFIGHTING THE DEVIL.

I MEAN, WE MEN, WE HAVEA LOT OF GOOD QUALITIES,

BUT COMBINING RAGE ANDINFORMATION AIN'T ONE.

WE CAN'T TALK TO PEOPLEWHEN WE'RE PISSED.

THAT'S HOW CHAMPIONSHIPWRESTLING GOT STARTED.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

SOME GUY, "YOU'RE GONNARUE THE DAY

"YOU STOLE THE REMOTE CONTROLUNIT FROM THE MIGHTY THOR.

DAMN IT."

THE DARKEST MOMENT IN ARELATIONSHIP WITH A WOMAN

SEEMS TO BE WHENSHE STOPS COMPLAINING.

TO ME THAT SHOULD BE FOLLOWEDBY A SNAKE RATTLE...

IF MOTHER NATUREWOULD HELP AT ALL.

"Y'KNOW, DARRELL,I'VE CHANGED MY MIND.

YOU AND YOUR FRIENDSGO OUT TONIGHT AND HAVE FUN."

( rattle )

( rattle )

"OHH, YEAH, JIM,THE TRIP'S OFF."

WOMEN SOLVE PROBLEMSFASTER THAN MEN.

YOU EVER SEE A WOMANDIAL THE WRONG NUMBER ?

OPERATOR TELLS HER TO CHECKTHE NUMBER AND DIAL AGAIN.

SHE'LL CHECK THE NUMBERAND DIAL AGAIN.

THERE AIN'T A MANIN THIS ROOM

THAT WILL CHECK THE NUMBERAND DIAL AGAIN.

WE'RE GONNA DIALTHE SAME DAMN NUMBER,

ONLY THIS TIME PUSH THE BUTTONSA WHOLE LOT HARDER.

"WRONG NUMBER, MY ASS.

"LET'S SEE IF IT SOUNDSLIKE T'REE FIVES

AND A SIX TO YOU NOW."

NOBODY BOTHERS TO QUESTIONSOME OF OUR LEADERS,

OR, Y'KNOW--I MEAN, I'M NOT SAYING--

I'M NOT A SMART MAN,I'M NOT.

I GRADUATED FROM COLLEGEWITH A 2.1.

AND THAT WAS CHEATIN'.

BUT, LISTEN,THEY HAD--

SOME OF THESE POLITICIANSJUST MAKE THINGS UP.

LIKE, REMEMBER THAT GUYNEWT GINGRICH ?

THAT GUY JUSTMAKES STUFF UP.

LIKE, THEY ASKED HIM ABOUTWOMEN IN THE MILITARY.

ALL RIGHT,THIS IS WHAT HE SAID.

"WOMEN CAN'T BE IN THEMILITARY 'CAUSE OF COURSE

"THEY'VE GOT THATVAGINA, UH...

"AND THEY MIGHT BE LYINGIN A DITCH AT SOME POINT...

( muttering )"... A VAGINA.

"THEY MIGHT GET AN INFECTIONAND THEY'D ALL START CRYING,

AND EVERYONEWOULD GO HOME."

WHAT ?!

I WISH I-- YOU COULDN'TWRITE THAT.

THE DAMN GUY JUST FIGURES,"THEY CAN'T TOUCH ME.

THEY CAN'T TOUCH ME."

ABOUT TWO AND A HALF YEARS AGOI TOOK A FRIEND OF MINE

TO HAVE HER BABY, RIGHT ?

ANY MAN THAT HASNEVER SEEN A BABY

EMERGE FROMANOTHER PERSON'S BODY

WILL WALK AROUNDFOR MONTHS

JUST GOING, "OH MY GOD.

WHAT ELSE DON'T I KNOWABOUT PLANET EARTH ?"

FELLOWS, DO YOU KNOW THATIF THE BABY CAN'T COME OUT,

THAT THEY WILLCUT YOU ?

AND NOT ON THE KNEE.

IN A VERYSTRATEGIC AREA,

THAT IF A MAN WERECUT IN THAT SAME PLACE,

THERE'D BE A HOMICIDE.

OR A SUICIDE.

NOBODY'S GETTING OUT OFTHAT ROOM ALIVE.

TINY BUNDLE OF JOY ?NOT TONIGHT !

NOT ON THISKILLING SPREE.

OH, NO.

AND IF YOU THINK ABOUT THESEDAMN WOMEN, ARE HAVING--

THEY HAVE AN ECOSYSTEMIN THEIR BELLY.

I MEAN, TEMPERATURE RANGEAND CLIMATE CONTROL,

AIR-CONDITIONING,HEAT, FOOD, WATER.

DAMN !

THINK ABOUT THAT,Y'KNOW ?

AND THEY TALK WHILETHIS IS GOING ON, FELLAS.

THEY TALK-- "CENTIMETERS,DILATION, CONTRACTIONS.

TEN MINUTES OF--"

I'M GOING,"YOU'RE DOING MATH ?

"YOU'RE DOING MATH WHILEYOU'RE GIVING BIRTH ?

"Y'KNOW, I WANT YOU IN THE ARMYWITH ME WHEN WE GO TO WAR.

THAT'S ASTONISHING."

AND WOMEN WON'T EVENBRAG ABOUT IT.

WHY DON'T YOUBRAG ABOUT IT ?

BRAG, LADIES, DAMN IT.

'CAUSE FELLAS,RIGHT, WE MEN,

WE FIX A DOORKNOB...

DRINKS AREON THE HOUSE.

OH, YEAH.

WE'VE GOTTA FIND SOMEONETO TELL OUR TALE TO

ABOUT HOW,AGAINST ALL ODDS,

AND USING ONLY A SIX-PIECERATCHET SET,

WE LET OURSELVESBACK INTO THE HOUSE

THAT WE JUST LOCKEDOURSELVES OUT OF.

YOU EVER NOTICE HOW WOMENCAN BE FRIENDS WITH A MAN,

NOT MAKE LOVE TO THE GUY,

BUT STILL BE INTERESTEDIN THAT PERSON AS A PERSON ?

I MEAN...THAT'S UNNECESSARY.

WOMEN CAN KEEPSEX IN PERSPECTIVE.

GUYS, ON THE OTHER HAND,THINK SEX SOLVES EVERYTHING.

A GIRL CAN COME IN,"MY HEAD HURTS.

I HAVE LOWER BACK PAINAND MY MOM JUST DIED."

( deeper )"YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED.

YOU NEED TO SPEAKTO BIG OLAF."

IT'S AN INHERENTSENSE OF CLASS.

HOW COME THERE ARE NO WOMENOBSCENE PHONE CALLERS ?

IT WOULD BE TOO EASY.

"I WANT TO LICK YOUALL OVER."

"THANK YOU, JESUS !

"♪ I GOT THE JOY, JOYJOY, JOY ♪

"♪ DOWN IN MY HEARTDOWN IN MY HEART ♪

"YEAH, I'LL ACCEPTTHE CHARGES.

♪ DOWN IN MY HEART "

HOW COME YOU NEVERHEAR ANYTHING

ABOUT WOMENEXHIBITIONISTS ?

YOU DON'T, 'CAUSE LIKE,IF A GUY FLASHES A GIRL,

YOU GO, "AHH !"ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE.

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IFA GIRL FLASHED A GUY ?

"PSST-- WHAT DO YOUTHINK OF THIS ?"

"UH, Y'ALL TAKECREDIT CARDS ?"

OF COURSE, THE REVERSEWOULD BE TRUE

IF YOU WENT SOME PLACELIKE SAN FRANCISCO.

THE GIRL'S LIKE,"WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS ?"

( effeminate )"BE GONE, YOU HAVENO POWER HERE !"

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