CC Presents: Mike Birbiglia (2006)

  • Season 10, Ep 6
  • 03/02/2006

Mike Birbiglia laments how his dreams of becoming a rapper faded as angry rap rose.

THIS IS REALLY NICE. I-- INTRODUCE MYSELF PROPERLY.

- I'M MIKE BIRBIGLIA.- WOO!

YEAH, I'M-- THANKS. I'M ITALIAN.

MY FAMILY'S NOT REAL ITALIAN.WE'RE LIKE OLIVE GARDEN ITALIAN.

AND SOMETIMES PEOPLE COME UP TO ME AND THEY'LL BE LIKE,

YOU KNOW IN ITALY IT'S PRONOUNCED BIRBILLIA.

I'M LIKE, "IN AMERICA, YOU'RE ANNOYING."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT WAS A HARD NAME TO HAVE GROWING UP.

KIDS WOULD CALL MENAMES LIKE BIRBIGGLEBUGAND BIRBIGLIOGRAPHY

- AND [BLEEP]. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SOME WERE MORE CLEVER THAN OTHERS. BUT--

I WAS AN ALTAR BOY WHEN I WAS A KID.

- AND THE ANSWER IS NO. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS VERY AMBITIOUS AS A CHILD, THOUGH.

I HAD BIG GOALS. I WANTED TO BE A COMEDIAN OR A RAPPER OR THE OWNER

OF A PIZZA RESTAURANT WHERE THIRD GRADERS COULD HANG OUT.

THOSE WERE MY GOALS.I WANTED TO BE A RAPPER.

I REALLY DID. AND IT SURPRISES PEOPLE 'CAUSE I'M A WHITE BREAD CRACKER.

THAT'S MY FAVORITE WHITE PERSON SLUR, "WHITE BREAD."

THE OTHER DAY SOMEONE WAS LIKE,"WHAT'S UP, WHITE BREAD?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S NOT EVENAN INSULT. THAT'S JUST MY RACE

PLUS A FOOD." I WAS LIKE "I CANDO THAT TOO, BLACK BEAN SOUP.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU STAY OUT OF THIS,ASIAN CHICKEN PLATTER."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I LIKE IT USING THE WORDCRACKER A LITTLE BIT IN MY ACT,

'CAUSE A LOT OF BLACK COMICSUSE THE "N" WORD.

I LIKE USING THE "C" WORD LIKE "ME AND MY CRACKER FRIENDS

WERE DRIVING DOWN THE STREET IN MY VOLVO STATION WAGON.

AND I SAID, "HEY CRACKER, PASS THE SUN CHIPS."

AND HE SAYS, "NOT 'TILWE GET TO THE PICNIC, CRACKER."AND I SAY, "CRACKER, PLEASE."

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

HE'S LIKE, "CRACKER WHAT?"

BUT WHAT HAPPENED IS I SAID THAT IN A SHOW.

AND THIS BLACK GUY COMES UP TO ME AFTER THE SHOW

AND HE WAS LIKE, "GREAT SHOW, CRACKER." AND I-- IT WAS NICE.

AND I WAS LIKE, "ACTUALLY, YOU CAN'T CALL ME A CRACKER.

"ONLY WE CAN CALL EACH OTHER CRACKERS.

YOU CAN SAY CRACKAH, BUT NOT 'CRACKER.'"

AND HE WAS LIKE "IT'S OKAY, I'VE GOT WHITE FRIENDS

AND THEY'RE COOL WITH IT."SO I COOLED DOWN.

I COOLED DOWN. I WAS PRETTY ANGRY.

I JUST LIKE DOIN' THAT VOICE.

THE LIKE, "ME AND MY CRACKERFRIENDS HAVE A--"

IT'S LIKE MY WHITE GUYDOING A BLACK GUY DOING

A WHITE GUY VOICE. 'CAUSE A LOT OF BLACK COMICS

HAVE THE ONE WHITE GUY VOICE, LIKE, "THIS IS RIDICULOUS."

LIKE WE ALL TALK LIKE BRITISH DETECTIVES.

AND I DON'T KNOW ANYONEWHO TALKS LIKE THAT.

I FEEL BAD FOR THE ONE GUY ON EARTH WHO DOES TALK LIKE THAT,

WHO'S WATCHING THOSE COMICS ON TV AND HE'S LIKE, "THIS IS PREPOSTEROUS.

"THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE ME AT ALL.

"WAIT 'TIL I GET MY HANDS ON THAT BLACK FELLOW.

- BUT FIRST I'M GONNA DANCE."- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

OH, YEAH.I-- THAT'S HOW WE DANCE.

I WANTED TO BE A RAPPERWHEN I WAS A KID.

BUT RAP WAS VERY INNOCENT WHEN I WAS A KID.

IT WAS JUST LIKE, "RIMMINA RAP RAP RAP, RAPTASTIC." YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S GOTTEN SO ARBITRARILY AGGRESSIVE. RAPPERS NOW WOULD BE LIKE,

"IT'S 2005 MOTHER-[BLEEP]."

I'M LIKE, "YOU'RE MAD ABOUT THE DATE?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"YOU GOTTA PICK YOUR BATTLES. I MEAN YOU GET MAD ABOUT THAT,

NO ONE'S GONNA BELIEVE YOU WHENYOU'RE MAD ABOUT REAL STUFF."

LIKE, "YOU CRASH INTOMY CAR MOTHER-[BLEEP]."

"YEAH, BUT YOU'RE MAD THAT IT WAS 2005.

YOU'RE LIKE THE BOY WHO CRIED MOTHER-[BLEEP]."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THIS WAS JUST A-- ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

I'VE BEEN TAKING PHOTOS OF EVERYTHING ON THE ROAD LATELY.

- AND I FIND THAT PHOTOS... - [LAUGHTER]

ARE A VERY INACCURATE DEPICTION OF EVENTS, THOUGH,

'CAUSE YOU'RE NEVER LIKE, "HEY, REMEMBER THAT TIME

- WE WERE LIKE." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I FEEL LIKE THERE'S TOO MANY CAMERAS RIGHT NOW.

LIKE YOU GO TO BUY SOMETHINGAND EVERYTHING'S ALSO A CAMERA.

THEY'LL BE LIKE "IT'S ALSO A CAMERA."

I'M LIKE, "I JUST WANTED A GRAPEFRUIT."

THEY'RE LIKE, "IT'S A CAMERA GRAPEFRUIT.

"YOU TAKE PICTURES OF YOURSELF EATING THE GRAPEFRUIT

AND THEN YOU EAT THE CAMERA AND YOU POOP THE PICTURES."

"OH, MY GOD. THAT'S THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I WANTED."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TECHNOLOGY'S MOVING SO FAST.IT'S TO THE POINT

YOU CAN MAKE STUFF UP AND PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE YOU.

YOU CAN BE LIKE, "YOU SEEN THE NEW SONY TELEPORTER?"

PEOPLE WOULD BE LIKE, "NO, BUT I HEARD ABOUT IT."

I END UP SAYING THAT ALL THE TIME.

"NO, BUT I HEARD ABOUT IT."

IT MEANS I HAVEN'T HEARD ABOUT IT, BUT I LIKE YOU.

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - HOLD ON. HOLD ON.

I'M GONNA DO ONE MORE THING BEFORE WE GO TO COMMERCIAL.

HOLD ON. STAY THERE.

OKAY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANKS.

THAT'S ARTHUR, EVERYBODY. GIVE HIM A ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO, I LIVE HERE INNEW YORK CITY, AND--

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

OH, THANKS.

I'VE GOT AN APARTMENTAND IT'S A LITTLE BIGGER

- THAN MY BODY. AND... - [LAUGHTER]

AND MY FRIEND CAME OVERTO GIVE ME ADVICE.

HE WAS LIKE "YOU GOTTA GET A NICE LITTLE HAND SOAP

FOR YOUR BATHROOM BECAUSE WOMEN LOVE THAT."

AND I WAS LIKE, "DO THEY ALSO LOVE IT WHEN YOU'RE SHOWER'S

ONE FOOT FROM YOUR TOASTER, 'CAUSE I GOT THAT GOIN' ON, TOO?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I SAW A MOUSE IN MY APARTMENT THE OTHER DAY.

AND I HAVE A REALLY SMALL PLACE. I WAS LIKE,

- "WHERE ARE YOU GONNA SLEEP?" - [LAUGHTER]

BUT I GOT A GREAT BUILDING. WE GOT OUR OWN DRUG DEALER.

SO EVERY TIME I WALK OUT MY DOOR

THE SAME GUYTRIES TO SELL ME DRUGS.

LIKE I'M WALKING OUTIN THE MORNING TO GET A SNAPPLE

AND HE'LL BE LIKE, "YOU WANT WEED?"

AND I'M LIKE "DO YOU HAVE ANY SNAPPLE?"

'CAUSE I THINK HE SHOULD ALSO SELL SNAPPLE.

THAT WAY HE HOOKS YOU INWITH THE SNAPPLE.

AND THEN HE'S LIKE "YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD GO GREAT WITH THAT SNAPPLE? CRACK."

IT WOULD BE LIKE AMAZON.COM. "IF YOU LIKE SNAPPLE,

- "YOU MIGHT ALSO ENJOY... - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BALLOONS OF HEROIN."

AND I'D GO, "WELL, I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT THAT WAY."

I DON'T SMOKE A LOT OF POT ANYMORE.

I'M THE LEAST FUN PERSONTO SMOKE POT WITH.

NO ONE WANTS TO HANG WITH THE GUY WHO ENDS EVERY SENTENCE WITH,

"DO YOU GUYS HATE ME?"

I'M NOT GOOD AT DRINKING EITHER.I JUST BECOME ANOTHER PERSON.

LIKE LAST YEAR WHEN I'M DRINKING AND I MET THIS GIRL,

SHE GAVE ME HER NUMBER.BUT THE NEXT DAY I DIDN'T EVENWANNA CALL HER.

I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE SHE MET ME.

I FELT LIKE SHE MET TWO-DRINK MIKE.

LIKE, YOU KNOW, TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

TWO-DRINK MIKE LOVES DANCING AND KNOWS A MAGIC TRICK.

ZERO-DRINK MIKE ENJOYS BIOGRAPHIES

AND HAS SERIOUS OPINIONS ABOUT WILDLIFE.

AND FIVE-DRINK MIKE ENJOYS DANCING WITH WILDLIFE

AND THAT'S...WHICH IS HOT. WHICH IS HOT.

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I FEEL LIKE WHETHER YOU LIKE HIM OR NOT,

I THINK BUSH SEEMS LIKE A FUN GUY,

LIKE HE'S THAT GUY YOU INVITE TO THE BARBECUE

'CAUSE YOU KNOW HE'LL START THE WIFFLE BALL GAME.

HE'S LIKE WIFFLE-BALL TONY. YOU'RE LIKE, "YEAH,

"WIFFLE-BALL TONY'S HERE. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

THIS IS COOL."AND THEN ONE DAYSOMEBODY'S LIKE,

"WE'RE GONNA PUT TONY IN CHARGE OF EVERYTHING."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

AND I'M LIKE, "WE ARE?

"I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'SSUCH A GOOD IDEA BECAUSEHE'S VERY COMPETITIVE.

"HE STARTS GOING INTO THE NEIGHBOR'S LAWN.

CHALLENGING THEM TO WIFFLE BALL GAMES."

HE'S LIKE, "I HEAR YOU WANNA PLAY WIFFLE BALL, BITCHES?"

AND THEY'RE LIKE "WE NEVER SAID THAT."

BUT HE STARTS CHUCKIN' HAMBURGERS AT 'EM,

WE'RE LIKE, "TONY, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN', MAN?"

HE'S LIKE, "THEY WERE GONNA CHUCK HAMBURGERS AT ME!"

BUT THEN IT TURNS OUT THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE HAMBURGER

- IS THE THING.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I MEAN THEY HAVE HOT DOGS

BUT THEY ONLY THROW 'EM AT EACH OTHER, SO IT'S COOL OR WHATEVER.

BUT THEN PEOPLE GET UPSET. YOU KNOW THEY'RE LIKE,

"WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH BOOKWORM STEVE.

BUT HE'S SO BORING." THEN ONE GUY'S LIKE, "WHAT ABOUT ME?

WHAT ABOUT RALPH? HOW ABOUT RALPH?"

AND WE'RE LIKE,"SHUT UP, RALPH, THIS ISNO TIME FOR JOKES."

IT'S WEIRD, BECAUSE YOU GO TO DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE COUNTRY

AND PEOPLE GETVERY PERSONALLY OFFENDED

BY TALKING ABOUT BUSH AT ALL. LIKE I WAS IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

AND THIS WOMAN CAME UP TO ME-- THIS IS A TRUE STORY--

SHE GOES, "YOU KNOW HE COULD BE HERE."

[LAUGHTER]

AND I SAID, "FIRST OF ALL, NO. HE'S PROBABLY ON VACATION."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

AND-- I JUST-- YOU KNOW I HAD A LOT OF--

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]- THANKS--

YOU KNOW A LOT OFTIME TO KILL IN HOTELS.

I'M JUST A BEGINNER, SO I'M NOT VERY GOOD.

BUT I LOVE MUSIC.LIKE SOMETIMES WHEN I'M DRIVING,

I'LL LISTENTO THE RADIO FOR HOURS.

AND I'LL LISTEN TO CHRISTIAN ROCK BY MISTAKE,

BECAUSE IT ALWAYS STARTS OUT AS LIKE A BON JOVI BALLAD.

- YOU KNOW? - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'LL BE LIKE,

♪ I WOKE UP IN THE MORNING

♪ AND I GOT MYSELF SOME OATMEAL ♪

♪ AND I PUT SOMERAISINS ON IT ♪

♪ AND CHRIST IS GOD

♪ CHRIST IS GODGOD, GOD, GOD ♪

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

AND I'M LIKE,"WHAT ABOUT THE OATMEAL?

I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE OATMEAL SONG."

I LOVE PLAYING GUITAR.

BUT I THINK THERE'S LIKE A DANGER

IN PLAYING GUITAR TOO MUCH.

LIKE THERE'S ALWAYS THAT GUY WHO JUST SHOWS UP AT THE PARTY

AND JUST STARTS PLAYINGGUITAR FOR NO REASON

AND YOU'RE LIKE,"COULD YOU NOT DO THAT?"

'CAUSE THAT-- EVERYONE KNOWS HAS MOTIVATION FOR DOING IT.

AND SO I WROTE A SONG THIS YEAR JUST FOR THAT GUY.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

AND IT'S CALLED, "GUITAR GUY AT THE PARTY."

♪ I'M THE GUITAR GUY

♪ AT THE PARTY

♪ I'M THE GUITAR GUY

♪ AND I THINK I'LL DRINKA COKE AND BACARDI ♪

♪ IT MIGHT SEEM LIKE I'M JUST HAVIN' FUN BUT I'M ACTUALLY NOT ♪

♪ I'M TRYIN' TO SLEEP WITHYOUR GIRLFRIEND ♪

♪ LISTEN TO ME AS I PLAY THIS SONG ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M GONNA PLAY IT REGARDLESS ♪

♪ I'M ONLY PLAYIN' THREE CHORDS SO ♪

♪ I CAN MAKE EYE CONTACT

♪ WITH DIFFERENT WOMEN IN THE ROOM ♪

♪ I'M GONNA TRY AND SLEEP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND ♪

♪ BUT I'M GONNA MAKE ITSOUND LIKE WE HAVE ♪

♪ A REALLY SPECIAL BOND AND WE SHOULD KEEP IT SECRET ♪

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

Narrating: "YOU KNOW I THINK YOUR BOYFRIEND

"REALLY TAKES YOU FOR GRANTED.

"WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME HE TOLD YOU THAT YOUR EYES LOOK LIKE SPACE CRYSTALS?

"IF YOU WANNA COME BY MY PLACELATER THAT WOULD BE COOL.

"IT'S NOT GONNA BE LIKE LAST TIME.

I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND WHY THAT FREAKED YOU OUT."

♪ MAYBE IF I PLAY 'FREEFALLING' ♪

♪ THEN SOMEONE WILLGIVE ME A [BLEEP] JOB ♪

♪ MAYBE THEY'LL JUST SIT ON MY LAP ♪

♪ AND THE FRICTION WILL CAUSE ME TO HAVE AN ERECTION ♪

♪ AN ERECTION I WILL MAKE SURE THAT YOU WON'T FEEL ♪

♪ BECAUSE I'M CLASSY

♪ AND I'M GONNA SHIFT IT TO THE LEFT ♪

♪ AND I'M GONNASHIFT IT TO THE RIGHT ♪

♪ I'M GONNA CREATE A MENTAL IMAGE IN MY HEAD ♪

♪ LIKE GUYS IN PRISONTAKING A GROUP SHOWER ♪

♪ HERE'S MY STORY I'M GONNA MAKE SURE THAT I TELL IT ♪

♪ IN THE PROPER ORDER

♪ I WENT TO ARTS CAMP AS A KID AND I PLAYED THE RECORDER ♪

♪ THEN I LEARNED THAT RECORDERS ARE FOR LOSERS AND GUITARS GET CHICKS AND ♪

♪ NOW WHEN I FEEL LIKE A LOSER I TAKE THIS OUT AND SING ♪

♪ "ONE WORLD" BY OASIS

♪ I PLAY MOSTLY COVERSCAT STEVENS AND BEATLESAND A COUPLE OF OTHERS ♪

♪ I DO SOME ORIGINAL SONGS TOO, ♪

♪ BUT THEY'RE NOT AS WELL RECEIVED ♪

♪ CHRIST IS GODCHRIST IS GOD ♪

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

♪ BUT I STILL WANT THAT[BLEEP] JOB, ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M A GUITAR GUY I'M THE GUITAR GUY ♪

♪ I'M THE GUITAR GUY I'M THE GUITAR GUY ♪♪

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

IT WAS AN ABRAHAM LINCOLN SUITS.

AND THEY HAVE THESE ABRAHAM LINCOLN QUOTES EVERYWHERE.

AND ONE OF 'EM WAS LIKE,

"WHATEVER YOU ARE, BE A GOOD ONE."

AND I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE HE SHOULD GET CREDIT FOR GENERALITIES LIKE THAT.

LIKE JUST LIKE, "'HOW ARE YA?'ABRAHAM LINCOLN."

"'GOOD TO SEE YA.' ABRAHAM LINCOLN."

"'WELL, WE ALREADY BOUGHT THE TICKETS.' ABRAHAM LINCOLN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT IT'S BEEN A GREAT RUN THIS YEAR.

I APPRECIATE YOU GUYS. SOME OF YOU GUYS

HAVE STARTED TO COMETO MY SHOWS ON PURPOSE.

AND THAT'S A REALLY GOOD FEELING, MAN. THAT'S LIKE THE BEST.

SO THANK YOU GUYSFOR COMING TO THE SHOWS.

I WROTE A SONG SPECIFICALLY FOR YOU.

- THIS IS A DEDICATION.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S-- ALL RIGHT.

♪ THANKS FOR COMING TO MY SHOW ♪

♪ AND LISTENING TO ME TALK ABOUT ♪

♪ WIFFLE BALL TONY AND PIZZA AND FOXES. ♪

♪ I HOPE YOU TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT THE SHOW. ♪

♪ YOU'LL SAY, "GO WATCH THIS GUY BIRBIGGLEBUG," ♪

♪ AND YOU'LL SAY, "THIS GUY'S PREPOSTEROUS. ♪

♪ "I HOPE YOU BROUGHT YOUR CAMERA ♪

♪ AND YOU'LL GO HOME AND POOP THE PICTURES." ♪

♪ AND YOU SHOW YOUR PICTURES TO YOUR FRIEND ♪

♪ AND YOU'LL SAY,"YOU GOTTA SEE THIS GUYMIKE BIRBIBLIOGRAPHY." ♪

♪ AND THEY'LL SAY, "NO, BUT I HEARD ABOUT HIM." ♪

♪ I WANT YOU TO TELL ALL YOUR ♪

♪ CRACKER ASS WHITE BREAD HONKEYS ♪

♪ AND ASIAN CHICKEN PLATTERS

♪ AND BLACK BEAN SOUPS THAT YOU'RE DYIN' INSIDE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE IT'S 2006 MOTHER-[BLEEP]. ♪

♪ CHRIST...

♪ CHRIST IS GOD.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I THINK ABRAHAM LINCOLN SAID THAT.

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