Booger Nights

  • Season 3, Ep 11
  • 01/16/2013

The guys are determined to be the funniest speakers at an office roast.

TO DO A RIDE-ALONGWITH THE POLICE,

'CAUSE I'M WRITING A COP NOVEL.

- COOL.- WOW.

- GRITTY STUFF.- I BET, DUDE.

- BUT ALICE WANTED METO STOP BY FOR THE ROAST.

- ROAST? WHAT ROAST?- YEAH.

- OH, MONDAY IS BILL'S

20TH ANNIVERSARYOF WORKING AT TELAMERICORP,

SO WE'RE ROASTING HIM.

- COOL. YEAH.- OH, NICE.

- ALL RIGHT, SO, LIKE,HOW MANY SNAPS SHOULD WE WRITE?

- YEAH, CAN WE WORK BLUE?CAN WE CUSS?

- AND ALSO, WHO'S BILL?

- OH, ACTUALLY, ALICE SAID

YOU GUYS DON'T GETTO DO THE ROAST.

- REALLY?- UH, WHY WOULDN'T

THE THREE FUNNIEST GUYSIN THE OFFICE BE ROASTING HIM?

- YOU'RE NOT FUNNY.

[all scoff]

- I'M NOT FUNNY?ME?

ADAM, "THE--THE LAUGH KI--THE LAUGH--UH...

GIVER" DEMAMP.

- MM-HMM.

- I KNOW ALL 101 SICK JOKESFOR TWISTED KIDS.

- OH, ALICE,YOU WANT TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN A PILE OF DEAD BABIESAND A PILE OF SAND?

- I DON'T EAT SAND.

[laughter]

- [scoffs]FINE. WHATEVER.

- YOU'LL LET US ROAST?- YES.

[cheering]- YES! NICE.

- YES.- SO COOL. I GOT THIS THING...

- HEY, YOU HONESTLYDON'T THINK I'M FUNNY?

JUST ME,NOT TALKING ABOUT THOSE GUYS.

- YOU'VE HONESTLY NEVER SAIDONE THING I HAVE EVER FOUND

AT ALL FUNNY, BRO.

- [scoffs]WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT FUNNY?

CHICKS AREN'T FUNNY.DUDES ARE FUNNY.

HANGOVER 2 RULES. BRIDESMAIDS DROOLS.

WE'RE THE FUNNIEST PEOPLEIN THIS OFFICE.

- FUNNIER THAN THAT DAD.- I'M FUNNIER THAN SHE IS.

- GOT A SUBSCRIPTIONTO "SUICIDE ILLUSTRATED!"

[laughter]WAIT.

NOW BILL IS TRYINGTO GET A SNACK?

BILL! YOU STILL GONNA END UPEATING WHAT YOU ALWAYS EAT.

YOUR BIG-ASS BOOGERSIN YOUR NOSE!

[laughter]

- HEY, YOU KNOW,I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING, BILL.

HE'S TRYING TO MAKE JOKESABOUT YOU, BUT IT'S, UH--

IT'S "SNOT" FUNNY.

[three guys laughing]

IT--IT IS--IT'S SNOT FUNNY.

- SNOT.- I SAID "SNOT,"

BECAUSE THE BOOGERS...WITH THE SNOT.

- HEY, UH...- WHAT THE--

- BILL'S SO BALD, RIGHT?HE LOOKS LIKE HE, UH--

LIKE HE'S A CANCER PATIENT!

- [laughing]

DEATH BED!

- THIS DUDE, UM,HE'S A HUMAN...

[imitates farting]

- [imitates farting][laughs]

- [imitates farting]

- ONE TIME, I SEEN THAT [bleep]DOOKIE IN HIS DRAWERS!

- HOLY YOGA, DUDE!HE'S A YOGA DUDE.

- OH, WE CAN DESTROY HIM.NO ONE LIKES YOGA DUDES.

♪ GURU!

- DUDE, IT FUNNY BECAUSE, LIKE,GIRLS DO YOGA, AND HE'S A GUY,

AND HE'S DOING YOGA.- YEAH, THAT IS WHY IT'S FUNNY.

- RIGHT?- YEAH, WE'RE REALLY FINDING,

YOU KNOW,THE DEPTH OF THE COMEDY.

WE'RE REALLY DIGGING DEEP.- RIGHT. WHAT'S HE DOING...

NOW, THOUGH?

- OH, MY GOD.- NAKED YOGA.

- [chuckles]- WHAT?

- OH, MY GOD,HE'S A "NAKED YOGA" GUY.

WAIT, IS HE--GOD, HE'S SUCKING IT.

- YES! WE'RE GONNA SKEWER HIMWITH THIS!

- UGH.

- YOU REALLY THINK WE CAN MAKEFUN OF HIM FOR THIS?

- YEAH.- YEAH.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?THIS IS AMAZING.

HE'S LIKE A SUPERHERO.WE CAN'T REVEAL HIS SUPERPOWERS.

- I'M SORRY. DOES THIS NOTCOME ACROSS TO YOU AS JUST

THE GAYEST THINGYOU'VE EVER SEEN?

- I THINK IT'S GAYNOT TO SIP YOUR OWN TIP.

THAT MEANS YOU DON'T LIKEBLOW JOBS THAT MUCH,

AND THAT'S, LIKE,THE GAYEST THING IN THE WORLD.

- RIGHT.

- UH, GUYS,I THINK HE'S ABOUT TO--

- OKAY, LET'S TAKE A LAP.LET'S TAKE A LAP.

- OH, GOD, HE'S IN THERE.

- WHAT'S HE DOING?

- I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THAT IS.

IT'S MEDICAL CREAM FOR ECZEMA,WITHOUT A DOUBT.

[kazoo humming]

OKAY, SO HE'S A STREET PERFORMERWITH ECZEMA.

THIS IS...SAD.- THIS IS GREAT!

WE HAVE SO MUCH GOOD STUFFFOR THE ROAST.

- WHAT? WHAT'S FUNNYABOUT UNLIMITED SELF-BLOW JOBS

AND GETTING PAIDTO DO THE ROBOT?

NOTHING.

I'M JEALOUS OF THIS DUDE.

WE'RE COMING UP DRY.

WE CAN'T MAKE FUN OF HIMFOR THIS.

[kazoo humming]

- I'M NOT DOINGTHIS AGAIN, DUDE.

JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT.

[kazoo humming]

JESUS CHRIST!OKAY, FINE, HAM?

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

- OH, NO,THIS IS JUST DEPRESSING.

- [whispering]YEAH, I'M SAD TOO...

MOSTLY HUNGRY, ACTUALLY.

- [whispering] YEAH.DERS, GO ORDER A PIZZA.

- [whispering]THEY DON'T SERVE PIZZA HERE.

IT'S A SANDWICH PLACE.

- DO YOU THINKTHEY'LL DELIVER PIZZA HERE,

LIKE, IF WE ORDERFROM A PIZZA PLACE?

- DO YOU HAVE A PUNCH CARD?[kazoo humming]

YOU PUNCHED THIS YOURSELF,DIDN'T YOU?

[kazoo hums]

- ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?GET OUT. WE'RE DONE.

BEAT IT.[kazoo hums]

DON'T TAKE THAT SANDWICH!I WILL CALL THE COPS!

- HEY, HANG ON A SECOND,HANG ON A SECOND.

I'LL PAY FOR HIS FOOD.LOOK, HE'S...

HE'S MY DAD,SO I'M VERY EMBARRASSED.

I'M SURE YOUR DAD'S EMBARRASSEDYOU FROM TIME TO TIME.

- NO, HE HASN'T.HE'S--HE HAS GREAT JUDGMENT.

HE WOULD NEVER DOSOMETHING LIKE THIS.

- YOU'VE BEEN FOLLOWING MEALL DAY?

- EH, SINCE, LIKE, 9:00 A.M.

- SO YOU SAW ME...?

- MM-HMM.

- YES. YOU'VE GOTTA TEACH MEHOW TO DO THAT.

- BELIEVE ME, YOU DON'TWANNA GO DOWN THAT ROAD.

- IT'S THE ONLY ROADI WANT TO GO DOWN.

♪ OF THE FREE-UH

♪ AND THAT [bleep]BILL'S GAY-UH ♪

[cheers and applause]

AND I'M OUT.HAVE FUN ROASTING THIS BALD PIG.

- GREAT JOB, BRADLEY!

- WHO'S BRADLEY?I'M TONY CLIFTON, YOU ASSHOLE.

WAKE UP!all: OH!

- BILL TREAT HIS NOSELIKE THE HOMETOWN BUFFET!

- WHAT'S THE WORST JOBIN THE WORLD?

BEING BILL'S PANTS,'CAUSE YOU KNOW

YOU'RE GONNA GET DOOKIED ON![laughter]

- HE HAS A BOOGER PASTA BAR,A BOOGER DESSERT BAR,

A BOOGER SERVING STATION...

- YES, BILL, YOU LOOK LIKEA GODDAMN CHILD MOLESTER.

- BILL BE PICKING HIS BOOGERSLIKE HE ORVILLE REDENBACHER.

POP, POP, POP, POP, POP, POP![laughter]

- I GOT THREE WORDSFOR YOU, BROTHER.

WASH YOUR STINKIN' ASS!

[laughter]

- OKAY, OUR NEXT ROASTERS WANTEDTO DO IT AS A THREESOME.

AND THEY ALSO WANTEDTO PERFORM TOGETHER.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GIVE IT UPFOR ADAM, ANDERS, AND BLAKE!

WHOO!- SHAGADELIC!

DO I MAKE YOU RANDY, BABY?

- SHWING![laughs]

- TICKLE, TICKLE,BREAK THE PICKLE.

- EXCELLENT.

- [British accent]WE WERE LISTENING OUT THERE,

YOU KNOW, AND YOU GUYS WERE

ROASTING BILL PRETTY HARD.

AND HE'S MY MATE,

SO I'M HERE TO TELL YOUTO BEHAVE, BABY, YEAH!

- ALL RIGHT.

WE'RE NOT WORTHYOF SUCH A GREAT CO-WORKER.

WE'RE NOT WORTHY!WE'RE NOT WORTHY!

[all boo]

- I GOT IT.

[Indian accent]MARISKA HARGITAY.

MARI-SKA HARGITAY!

[crowd booing loudly]

[siren wails]- Y'ALL STOP!

- TICKLE, TICKLE,BREAK THE PICKLE.

- YOU ALREADY DID THIS.

HEY, COME ON.- OW!

THAT HURT MY ANKLE.

HAVE YOU GUYS REALLY NOT SEEN LOVE GURU?

IT'S A FUNNY, FUNNY MOVIE.

MIKE MYERS IS IN IT.- YEAH, WAYNE'S WORLD ONE.

- IT'S, LIKE,ONE OF THE BIGGEST COMEDIES

OF, LIKE, THE EARLY MID-2000s.- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, LOOK.

WE'RE SORRY YOU DON'T LIKE

OUR CHARACTERS,BUT WE'RE FUNNY GUYS.

AND WE FOLLOWED BILLTHIS WEEKEND.

AND GUESS WHAT HE DOESON THE WEEKEND?

HE PAINTS HIMSELF SILVERLIKE A ROBOT

AND GOES ON THE STREETAND BEGS FOR MONEY.

[chuckling]AND THEN--AND THEN WE ALSO

CAUGHT HIM STEALING A SANDWICH,

BECAUSE HE'S THAT POOR, GUYS.[laughter]

- THIS ISN'T WHAT WE PLANNED.WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- IT'S ALL TRUE. IT'S ALL TRUE.WE FOLLOWED HIM.

AND GUESS WHAT WE SAW?

WE SAW THIS BROKE-ASS FOOLSUCK HIS OWN [bleep]!

- WHAT?[laughter]

- HE'S GOOD AT IT.- THAT'S HILARIOUS.

- ENOUGH!

YOU GUYS SAIDYOU WERE ON MY SIDE!

- SURE, WHATEVER, MAN.- THEY LOVE IT, MAN.

- YOU'RE RIGHT.MY LIFE IS A JOKE.

BUT I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU![gun cocks]

all: OH!

THIS IS WHERE THE JOKE ENDS!

Loading...