Edwards, Kennedy, Bozeman, Messing

  • Season 4, Ep 0408
  • 01/27/2001

Dean Edwards finds a romantic way to save money, and Kevin Bozeman imagines what NASCAR would be like with more diverse drivers.

"PREMIUM BLEND" HAVE ASKED ME

TO COME OUT AND DO A LITTLE

DISCLAIMER.

IT APPEARS THERE'S BEEN A LITTLE

CONFUSION WITH THE NAME,

"PREMIUM BLEND."

SO HERE'S THE LITTLE DISCLAIMER

I'VE GOTTA DO.

♪ "PREMIUM BLEND,"

♪ IT'S NOT A GASOLINE

♪ "PREMIUM BLEND"

♪ IS NOT A GASOLINE

♪ SO DON'T TAPE

♪ "PREMIUM BLEND"

♪ ON YOUR VIDEO MACHINE

♪ AND TRY TO STUFF

♪ THE VHS TAPE

♪ INTO YOUR CAR BECAUSE

♪ IT MIGHT WRECK YOUR ENGINE

♪ AND THE PRODUCERS

♪ ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE

♪ "PREMIUM BLEND,"

♪ IT'S NOT A COFFEE BEAN

♪ PREMIUM BLEND

♪ IS NOT A COFFEE BEAN

♪ SO DON'T TAPE

♪ "PREMIUM BLEND"

♪ AND TRY TO DRINK IT

♪ BECAUSE THE VIDEOTAPE

♪ MIGHT UNWIND

♪ IN YOUR INTESTINE

♪ AND YOU'LL END UP

♪ TAKING A TWO-HOUR POO

♪ UNLESS YOUR STOMACH

♪ IS ON SLOW SPEED,

♪ IT'LL BE A SIX-HOUR POO

♪ AND THE PRODUCERS

♪ ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE

♪ "PREMIUM BLEND,"

♪ IT'S A COMEDY SHOW

♪ SO LAUGH AND GIGGLE

♪ AND GIGGLE AND LAUGH

♪ AND LAUGH AND GIGGLE

♪ TILL THE LITTLE BLOOD VESSEL

♪ POPS IN THE BACK OF

♪ YOUR BRAIN

♪ AND YOU FALL ON THE GROUND

♪ AND YOUR EYES ROLL BACK

♪ IN YOUR HEAD

♪ AND BLOOD STARTS

♪ FOAMING OUT OF YOUR NOSE

AND YOU HAVE GIANT SEIZURES

AND YOU DIE A MISERABLE DEATH,

♪ BUT THE PRODUCERS

♪ ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WELL, LET'S GET THIS

WHAT'S UP?!

GOOD TO BE HERE ON THE COLLEGE

CAMPUS MAKING SOME MONEY!

DAMN RIGHT 'CAUSE THEY OWE ME.

I WENT TO COLLEGE.

I GOT RIPPED OFF.

WE GOT SOME COLLEGE STUDENTS

HERE TONIGHT?

(AUDIENCE SCREAMS)

DROP OUT!

I'M TELLING YOU, I GOT ONE THING

OUT OF COLLEGE, BAD CREDIT.

THAT WAS ALL I GOT, THEM STUDENT

LOANS, MAN!

I DIDN'T KNOW THEY WANTED YOU

TO PAY THAT BACK.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS ONLY IF YOU

GRADUATED.

AND THEY CALLED ME ALL THE TIME,

HARASSING ME, TRYING TO GET ME

TO PAY 'EM.

SO I SENT 'EM LIKE THREE CHECKS

TO GET THEM OFF MY BACK.

ALL OF 'EM BOUNCED.

(LAUGHTER)

ONE CHECK WAS FOR THE WHOLE

20,000 DOLLARS.

AND THEY CALL ME LIKE 11 O'CLOCK

EVERY MORNING AND I ANSWER

THE PHONE.

THEY HAVE TO KNOW THAT THAT'S

A PROBLEM.

(LAUGHTER)

PICK UP THE PHONE, I'M LIKE,

"LOOK, DUMB ASSES, OBVIOUS

I DON'T HAVE A JOB RIGHT NOW.

SO LEAVE ME ALONE.

I'M TRYING TO WATCH 'THE YOUNG

AND THE RESTLESS.'"

COLLEGE IS A BIG RIPOFF.

DROP OUT, MAN.

I'M 25,000 DOLLARS IN DEBT,

FOUR, FIVE, SIX AND-A-HALF

YEARS.

THEN YOU HAD TO PAY FOR YOUR OWN

BOOKS, 300 DOLLARS A SEMESTER.

BOUGHT MY BOOKS IN SEPTEMBER,

TOOK 'EM BACK IN DECEMBER AND

GOT BACK 8 DOLLARS AND 37 CENTS.

(LAUGHTER)

TO HELL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE

ME TO PRISON NOW AND GET THIS

OVER WITH?

AND THEN THEY GIVE YOU CREDIT

CARDS IN COLLEGE.

THEY JUST GIVE 'EM TO YA.

IT'S ALL PART OF THE PLAN,

PEOPLE.

THEY GAVE ME LIKE THREE CREDIT

CARDS WITH LIKE A THOUSAND

DOLLAR LIMIT EACH.

THEN THEY GOT MAD 'CAUSE

I COULDN'T PAY 'EM BACK.

I'M LIKE, "I THOUGHT WHEN I PUT

ON MY APPLICATION I MADE 18

DOLLARS A MONTH AS A INTERMERAL

REFEREE, I WOULD GET AN

EXTENSION.

DON'T GET MAD AT ME 'CAUSE

I WANTED SOME STEAK TO GO ALONG

WITH MY RAMEN NOODLES AND

KRAFT MACARONI & CHEESE."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S WHY I DON'T EVEN GET

UPSET WHEN CREDITORS CALL ME UP.

BILL COLLECTORS CALL ME UP,

I JUST CONSIDER 'EM RACISTS,

NO MATTER HOW NICE THEY ARE.

THEY'LL BE LIKE, "LOOK,

MR. BOZEMAN,

YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA PAY THIS

MONTH AND THE MONTH BEFORE THAT

AND THE PREVIOUS MONTH AND,

FRANKLY, YOUR CREDIT HISTORY--"

I'M LIKE, "WHAT?

DID YOU JUST CALL ME NIGGER?"

(LAUGHTER)

"NO, I SAID YOUR CREDIT

HISTORY."

"OH, IT SOUNDED LIKE NIGGER

TO ME.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

I NEED TO SPEAK TO YOUR

MANAGER."

THAT WORKS FOR A LITTLE WHILE

TILL A BLACK GUY CALLS YOU UP.

SO I HAD A GIRLFRIEND IN

COLLEGE.

WE WERE IN LOVE.

SHE WAS WHITE, YEAH.

AND SHE WAS MAD WHEN WE WERE

IN COLLEGE 'CAUSE ALL I DID WAS

PLAY VIDEO GAMES, MAN.

AND THEY DIDN'T HAVE THE VIDEO

GAMES THEY HAD, YOU KNOW, NOW.

BACK IN THE DAY, THEY WAS WHACK.

THEY WAS ALWAYS BROKE.

YOU USED TO ALWAYS HAD TO WORK

YOUR MAGICAL POWERS JUST TO GET

THE GAME TO COME ON.

I USED TO ALWAYS TALK TRASH,

TOO.

I'D BE LIKE, "WHAT'S UP, DOC?

I GOT DOUBLE DRIBBLE RIGHT HERE.

YOU WANT SOME OF THIS?

I'M GONNA BUST YOUR ASS

HOLD UP."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"I'M GONNA BUST YOUR ASS.

HOLD UP."

BLUE IN THE GAME TILL YOU

WAS BLUE IN THE FACE PLAYING THE

GAME LIKE YOU WAS PAPA SMURF.

THAT AIN'T RIGHT.

AND SHE WAS MAD AT ME 'CAUSE ALL

I DID WAS WATCH, UH, AUTO RACING

AND SPORTS ON TELEVISION.

I LOVE AUTO RACING.

BUT I THINK THEY NEED TO HAVE

SOME BROTHERS IN AUTO RACING,

ADD SOMETHING TO THE SPORT.

I'VE BEEN WATCHING A LITTLE

NASCAR ON SUNDAYS, SOME BLACK

PEOPLE ON THERE.

I'D BE LIKE, "OH, THIS IS A

GREAT RACE.

JEFF GORDON AND DALE JARRETT

ARE NECK TO NECK, BACK TO BACK,

LOOKS LIKE IT'S GONNA COME OUT

TO THE WIRE BETWEEN THOSE TWO.

BUT WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT'S THAT NOISE?

♪ (RAP MUSIC PLAYS)

"YES, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN,

IT'S TYRONE...

(LAUGHTER)

TYRONE ABDULA JACKSON WHO IS

SPONSORED BY OLD ENGLISH 800

AND KOOL-AID...

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

HAS JUST TAKEN THE LEAD.

APPARENTLY, THE GLARE FROM HIS

HUBCAPS HAS BLINDED THE REST OF

THE DRIVERS.

ALL OF THIS ON TWO DOLLARS WORTH

OF GAS."

BUT I HAVE TO TELL YOU,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I DID NOT

KNOW THAT A 1987 CHEVY IMPALA

COULD GO THAT FAST.

THANKS A LOT,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

KEVIN BOZEMAN, PEACE OUT.