Morris, Carter, DeRay, Larkin

  • Season 4, Ep 409
  • 12/11/2000

Vince Morris describes the ideal way to die, Bill Larkin performs a musical tribute to his twin brother, and Harland Williams debates the pros and cons of plastic surgery.

YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL-LOOKING

CROWD.

ANYONE HERE HAVE COSMETIC

SURGERY?

EVERYONE'S DOING COSMETIC

SURGERY, MAN.

MY SISTER HAD THIS PROCEDURE

WHERE SHE GOES IN, SHE GETS SOME

OF THE FAT SUCKED OUT OF HER

BOTTOM AND INJECTED INTO HER

CHEEKS TO GIVE HER THAT FULLER

FACIAL LOOK.

NOW THE BAD NEWS IS SHE DOESN'T

LOOK ANY BETTER.

BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS,

I NOW OFFICIALLY GET TO CALL HER

"ASS-FACE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND THEN SHE GOES ONE STEP

FURTHER.

SHE GOES OUT, SHE GETS HER

TONGUE PIERCED.

SHE GETS A STEEL BOLT PUT

THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF HER

TONGUE.

AND I SAY TO HER, I SAY,

YOU KNOW, "ASS-FACE, WHY?"

(LAUGHTER)

I JUST DON'T GET THE WHOLE

BODY-PIERCING THING, MAN.

THE OTHER DAY I SAW SOME KID,

HE HAD EIGHT RINGS THROUGH HIS

EYEBROWS.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I RAN UP AND HUNG A SHOWER

CURTAIN ON HIS FACE.

(LAUGHTER AND AP

I USED TO RAP WAY BEFORE

EMMINEM.

THEY CALLED ME "SKITTLES."

(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)

BUT MY FAVORITE RAPPER IS SNOOP.

I LIKE SNOOP DOGGY DOGG.

BIG SNOOP DOG.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

'CAUSE HE HAS THAT LOOK ON HIS

FACE LIKE EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE

OKAY.

"BOW-WOW."

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

"HEY, WHAT'S CRACKIN', BABY,

THIS IS BIG SNOOP DOGG.

Y'KNOW, Y'KNOW, YEAH."

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

"HEY SNOOP, ARE YOU WORRIED?"

"AW, NO."

(CHEERING)

HE HAS THIS RAP WHERE HE TALKS

ABOUT HIM AND HIS FRIEND,

THEY GO TO THIS PARTY, AND HIS

FRIEND, LIKE PUTS HIS THING ON

THIS GIRL'S HEAD.

I MEAN, A GIRL'S NOT GONNA LIKE

THAT.

SHE'S HAVING A GREAT TIME

AT A PARTY, NEXT THING YOU KNOW,

SHE FEELS IT, RIGHT?

"OH LOOK, THERE GOES SNOOP.

I WONDER WHERE HIS FRIEND

HALF-DEAD IS."

(LAUGHTER)

I KNOW HE DIDN'T...

(LAUGHTER)

I KNOW HE DIDN'T PUT HIS THING

ON MY HEAD!

(LAUGHTER)

AND I JUST GOT MY HAIR DONE,

OKAY?

HEYYYY!"

(APPLAUSE)

SHE LOOKS BACK, IT'S BILL

CLINTON.

(CLINTON IMPRESSION AS RAPPER)

"WASSUP, WASSUP, WASSUP, WASSUP,

WASSUP, WASSUP, WASSUP?

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

AIN'T NO PARTY LIKE A WHITE

HOUSE PARTY 'CAUSE A WHITE HOUSE

PARTY DON'T QUIT!"

I'M GONNA MISS BILL CLINTON.

BUT YOU KNOW WE'LL STILL SEE

HIM.

YOU KNOW WE WILL.

BECAUSE REMEMBER, LIKE,

THE LOSERS IN HIGH SCHOOL THAT

WOULD GRADUATE AND STILL DRIVE

AROUND THE CAMPUS AT NOON?

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S GONNA BE BILL CLINTON

AT THE WHITE HOUSE.

(LAUGHTER)

(RAPS AND DOES

CLINTON IMPRESSION)

"I'M BACK, BITCH!

YOU KNOW, BEING LIGHT-SKINNED

AND ALL WITH BRAIDS.

(CHEERING)

Y'ALL SCARED?

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S A DAMN SHAME.

A BLACK MAN ONLY HE CAN'T EVEN

SCARE NO WHITE PEOPLE.

IT'S MESSED UP, TOO.

I GREW UP IN A BAD NEIGHBORHOOD,

RIGHT, IN CHICAGO.

NOBODY WAS SCARED OF ME.

I TRIED TO ROB A WHITE DUDE

ONCE, I WAS LIKE, "GIVE ME YOUR

WALLET."

HE'S LIKE "PSSHT.

GIVE ME YOUR WALLET."

(LAUGHTER)

I DON'T MIND GROWING UP BROKE,

MAN.

IT'S DIFFERENT WHEN YOU'RE

GROWING UP BROKE IN THE HOOD,

THOUGH.

MY MOTHER'D STILL TRY TO HAVE

RULES.

HOW YOU GONNA HAVE RULES GROWING

UP IN THE PROJECTS?

SHE USED TO WANT US TO COME IN

AND TAKE OUR SHOES OFF,

BUT OUR CARPET WAS DIRTY.

I'M LIKE, "I AIN'T MESSING MY

SOCKS UP."

(LAUGHTER)

SHE NEVER THREW ANYTHING AWAY,

EITHER.

SHE USED TO KEEP EVERYTHING

FOREVER.

OLD MILK.

MILK'S SO OLD, THE KID ON

THE SIDE OF THE BOX GROWN UP,

HAVING KIDS OF HIS OWN.

I'M LIKE, "MAMA, THEY FOUND HIM.

THIS IS THE LANDLORD, LOOK AT

HIS FACE."

WHATEVER WE DIDN'T HAVE,

WE PRETENDED WE HAD.

LIKE A FATHER.

MY MOTHER USED TO ALWAYS LIE

TO ME.

"HE AT WORK."

"ALL THE TIME, MAMA?"

SOMETIMES SHE'D CLOSE

THE BEDROOM DOOR, TELL ME,

"HE RESTING."

"DAMN, CAN'T WE MEET HIM?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I'M LIKE, "WHAT HE LOOK LIKE?"

"HE LOOK LIKE ALL Y'ALL."

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW YOU GREW UP

IN A GHETTO HOUSE.

YOU BE SAYING STUFF LIKE,

"MY SISTER'S DADDY COOL."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

HOLIDAYS WAS MESSED UP.

LIKE HALLOWEEN, I HATED

HALLOWEEN.

WE NEVER COULD AFFORD A COSTUME.

NEVER.

NEVER.

ONE YEAR WE WERE SO BROKE,

MY MOTHER MADE US BE EXPRESSIONS

FOR HALLOWEEN.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M LIKE, "MA, WHAT AM I GONNA

BE?"

SHE SAID, "C'MERE."

SHE FIX MY FACE UP, "WHAT AM I?"

"CONFUSED.

NOW, GET YOUR ASS OUTTA HERE."

(LAUGHTER)

WE'D GO TRICK-OR-TREATING,

EVERYBODY, "WHAT'S YOUR SISTER?"

"SURPRISED."

(LAUGHTER)

I HATED GOING TO SCHOOL, TOO,

MAN.

THAT'S WHEN YOU REALLY FIND OUT

YOU'RE POOR, WHEN YOU GO TO

SCHOOL.

'CAUSE ALL THE OTHER LITTLE KIDS

HAD STUFF.

MY MOTHER NEVER LET US KNOW

WE WAS BROKE.

A LITTLE KID HAD TO LET ME KNOW.

I WAS SITTING DOWN ONE DAY,

MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS,

EATING MY FREE LUNCH...

(LAUGHTER)

AND THIS LITTLE BAD KID WALKS

UP.

HE DIDN'T TALK ABOUT ME,

HE JUST HAD A LOT OF QUESTIONS

I COULDN'T ANSWER.

HE'S LIKE, "EXCUSE ME, ARE YOU

NEW?"

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, I'M NEW."

"THAT'S THE ONLY THING NEW ABOUT

YOU."

>> AUDIENCE: AHHH.

>> DERAY: "WHAT KIND OF SHIRT

IS THAT?

WHAT KIND OF POLO SHIRT IS THAT?

WHY THE HORSE ON ONE SIDE

AND THE MAN ON THE OTHER?"

(LAUGHTER)