CC Presents: Clinton Jackson

  • Season 8, Ep 24
  • 05/20/2004

AND, AH--

CLINTON PAIGE JACKSON,

ACTUALLY.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I GOT A

GIRL'S MIDDLE NAME.

I JUST DO.

USUALLY GUYS NAMED CLINTON GO

WITH CLINT, RIGHT?

CLINT BACK.

CLINT EASTWOOD.

I PREFER CLINTON MYSELF.

I WAS OPENING A SHOW FOR

HUEY LEWIS ONCE, RIGHT, WE GET

TO THIS VENUE.

THE LAST BIG ACT THAT WAS THERE

BEFORE THE HUEY LEWIS SHOW WAS

CLINT BLACK.

WE GET DOWNSTAIRS TO THE

DRESSING ROOM.

SURE ENOUGH ON ONE OF THE

DRESSING ROOM DOORS THERE WAS

A SIGN THAT SAYS,

"CLINT BLACK."

AND I'M THINKING--

[LAUGHTER]

IS THAT MY NAME AND A BRIEF

DESCRIPTION?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HAD TO GO TO HUEY'S ROOM

AND SEE IF IT SAID, "HUEY,

WHITE."

[LAUGHTER]

WOW.

I'M HAVING A GREAT DAY.

I WENT OUT TO BREAKFAST.

ORDERED THE LARGE ORANGE JUICE.

YOU GOTTA GET THE LARGE ONE,

RIGHT, 'CAUSE EVEN A LARGE ONE

IS ONLY THIS BIG.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GET THE SMALL THE WAITRESS

WILL JUST COME BY WITH SOME

JUICE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU BETTER BE READY.

AH-HA.

[LAUGHTER]

"OH, THAT'S FRESH.

THAT IS GOOD."

THEY GIVE IT TO YOU WITH THE

PULP IN IT.

YOU LIKE YOUR PULP IN YOUR

ORANGE JUICE?

I DON'T LIKE THAT.

YEAH, YEAH, I DON'T--

THEY ALWAYS TELL YOU, "HEY, IT'S

JUST LIKE EATING AN ORANGE."

"HEY, IT'S JUST LIKE DRINKING

A GLASS OF SEA MONKEYS.

I DON'T WANT THAT."

[LAUGHTER]

RIGHT?

THEY TELL YOU IT'S HOME STYLE.

WELL, HOME STYLE ORANGE JUICE

TO ME IS TANG.

[APPLAUSE]

THAT'S THE HOME I GREW UP IN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND WHEN THE PITCHER GOT

HALFWAY EMPTY AND MY MOTHER

WOULD JUST FILL IT BACK UP

WITH WATER, TANG LIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, YOU GOT MAMAS, TOO.

MY MOTHER USED TO TELL US,

"WE GOTTA SHARE WHAT COMES IN

THIS HOUSE.

WE FAMILY.

THAT'S HOW WE LOVE EACH OTHER.

WE SHARE."

I REMEMBER ONCE ME AND MY

SISTER HAD TO SHARE A PAIR OF

SKATES.

[LAUGHTER]

NOT A LOT OF LOVE HAPPENING

RIGHT THERE.

NOT WHEN YOU GOTTA BE OUTSIDE

ALL DAY GOING--

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

GOING DOWN A HILL.

ONLY THING I NEVER SHARED WAS

MY DR. SEUSS BOOKS.

OOH, I WOULD NOT, COULD NOT

SHARE MY SEUSS.

[LAUGHTER]

MY SISTER HATED ME FOR THAT,

ALRIGHT?

WE GOT TO BE GROWN FOLKS AND

SHE WAS STILL UPSET.

YOU KNOW HOW I FOUND OUT

DR. SEUSS DIED?

MY SISTER CALLED ME UP.

"CLINT, GUESS WHAT?

SEUSS IS DEAD.

[LAUGHTER]

DEAD, I SAID."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SHE CALLED ME BACK, "DOWN IN THE

GROUND WITH DIRT ON HIS HEAD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GET OVER IT."

I COME HOME, CHECK THE MACHINE.

"BOOP, DOC'S IN A BOX.

BOOP."

[LAUGHTER]

CITY.

I JUST GOT BACK FROM SINGAPORE.

BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY.

BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO A WHILE

AGO BUT THEN THAT SARS THING

HAPPENED.

WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?

I'M LIKE, WAIT A MINUTE, I GO

OVER THERE, SOMEBODY COULD

BREATHE ON ME AND THEN I'D DIE?

NO, THANK YOU.

THAT WAS A SCARY TIME, RIGHT?

IT WAS NOT A GOOD TIME TO BE

ANYWHERE NEAR ASIA FRANKLY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

MY WIFE IS JAPANESE.

AND EVEN THAT WAS MAKING ME

NERVOUS AROUND THE HOUSE FOR

A WHILE.

[LAUGHTER]

SHE TRYING TO KISS ME GOODBYE.

I'M LIKE, "NO, I'M COOL."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW, JUST 'TIL THEY GET IT

FIGURED OUT.

THERE'S A LOT THEY DON'T KNOW

RIGHT NOW.

RIGHT?

THE INTERESTING THING ABOUT

OUR MIX BEING THAT I'M BLACK

AND SHE'S JAPANESE, PEOPLE WILL

ALWAYS SAY THIS, TOO.

YOU WILL PROBABLY SAY IT, TOO.

PEOPLE SAY, "Y'ALL GONNA HAVE

SOME BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN.

THAT'S A GOOD MIX, YOU BLACK

AND JAPANESE?

THAT'S GONNA--

THAT'S GONNA MAKE SOME

BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN."

I GUESS.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY COULD BE.

OR THEY COULD JUST HAVE SHORT

LEGS AND LONG ARMS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

COME HALLOWEEN YOU'RE GONNA BE

THE BEST ET EVER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Clinton Jackson: WE GOT A CAT

AT HOME.

I LOVE OUR CAT.

WHEN I'M AT HOME I PLAY WITH

OUR CAT.

I ENJOY OUR CAT.

BUT I NEVER TALK TO OUR CAT.

AND OUR CAT CERTAINLY NEVER

TALKS TO ME.

[LAUGHTER]

SO I DON'T KNOW WHY MY WIFE

IS COMPELLED TO PUT THE CAT

ON THE PHONE WHEN I CALL HOME.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I LOVE MY WIFE SO I WILL

TALK TO THE CAT.

[LAUGHTER]

"HEY, CAT."

[LAUGHTER]

I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO THE

CAT.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

"MEOW."

[LAUGHTER]

"MEOW."

"HELLO?"

I ALWAYS SAY HELLO, TOO.

LIKE THE CAT'S GONNA GO, "YEAH,

I'M HERE."

[LAUGHTER]

GOTCHA.

I TOOK MY NIECE TO A CARNIVAL

AND LET ME JUST TELL YOU THIS.

ANY GUY WORKING THOSE CARNIVAL

BOOTHS NEEDS TO BE STOPPED.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

THE GAMES.

THEY KNOW HOW TO PLAY YOU OUT.

WHEN YOU WERE THE KID AND YOU

WALKED BY, RIGHT?

"HEY, WIN A BEAR FOR THE LITTLE

GIRL?"

"NO, THANK YOU."

"YOU DON'T LOVE HER."

"OKAY."

[LAUGHTER]

NOW YOU'RE SPENDING MONEY YOU

DON'T HAVE TRYING TO WIN

SOMETHING YOU DON'T WANT.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'RE NOT GONNA WIN BUT

THAT'S ALL YOU'RE THINKING

ABOUT IS WINNING, RIGHT?

YOU DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT

THE FACT THAT THE GAME IS

IMPOSSIBLE.

YOU'RE 30 FEET AWAY TRYING TO

THROW A HOT DOG INTO A WINE

BOTTLE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU GO TO THE CIRCUS NOW

BY THE WAY, RINGLING BROTHERS,

BARNUM AND BAILEY CIRCUS,

THEY GOT A BLACK RINGMASTER

NOW.

YEAH, I THOUGHT THAT WAS

PRETTY COOL, IT AIN'T HAVING

A BLACK PRESIDENT.

BUT IT'S BABY STEPS, YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

BLACK RINGMASTER IN THE CIRCUS,

MAN.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS VERY

INTERESTING.

THEY WERE DOING A STORY ON HIM,

RIGHT?

SO I WANTED TO WATCH HIM, RIGHT?

I HAD TO TAPE IT.

I GOT HOME.

I'M WATCHING THIS INTERVIEW.

DURING THE INTERVIEW HE SAID

THAT HAVING THIS POSITION WAS

AN HONOR.

YEAH, IT IS.

HE SAID IT WAS THE ANSWER TO

DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING'S DREAMS.

EXCUSE ME.

[LAUGHTER]

WHOA, REWIND.

"THE ANSWER TO DR. MARTIN

LUTHER KING'S DREAMS."

"THE ANSWER TO DR. MARTIN

LUTHER KING'S DREAMS."

"THE ANSWER TO--"

APPARENTLY I MISSED A SPEECH.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT ONE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE

WORKING AT THE CIRCUS?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

"I BEEN TO THE BIG TOP AND

I'VE SEEN THE PROMISED LAND.

[LAUGHTER]

I MAY NOT GET THERE WITH YOU

BECAUSE CLOWNS GIVE ME THE

CREEPS."

[LAUGHTER]

FOLKS.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, IT'S WORSE

THAN YOU THOUGHT, YOU KNOW THAT?

YOU GO TO LAS VEGAS NOW.

THEY GOT PENNY SLOT MACHINES.

YEAH.

PENNY SLOT MACHINES.

FIRST OF ALL, IF YOU ARE

GAMBLING AND YOU GOTTA GET

CHANGE FOR A NICKEL...

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S OVER.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'D EVEN

LET PEOPLE TAKE UP SPACE IN A

CASINO TO PLAY A PENNY SLOT,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU'D THINK THEY'D JUST STOP

YOU AT THE DOOR AND HAND YOU

A DOLLAR.

"ALRIGHT, JACKPOT.

BEAT IT."

[LAUGHTER]

I'LL BET YOU THEM COCKTAIL

WAITRESSES AIN'T COMING AROUND

WITH THEM FREE DRINKS TO THE

PENNY SLOTS.

YOU KNOW, "COCKTAILS?

COCKTAILS?

COCKTAILS?"

PROBABLY JUST AN OLD DUDE WITH

A BUCKET.

"WATER.

WATER."

[LAUGHTER]

"RIGHT OVER HERE, MY GOOD MAN."

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

"YOU WERE RIGHT ON TIME."

I DON'T WANNA WALK AWAY FROM

THIS BABY AND LET IT COOL OFF.

I'M UP A BUCK, 40 RIGHT NOW.

MATTER OF FACT...

[TOSSES COIN'S]

GET YOURSELF SOMETHING NICE.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, WOW.

HEY, CHECK THIS OUT.

A FRIEND OF MINE IS

30-YEARS-OLD AND SHE'S

MARRYING A GUY WHO'S 19.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

WOW.

LOOK AT THAT.

LOOK AT YOU.

LADIES LOVE THAT.

I THINK IT COULD WORK.

YEAH.

AND IF THEY'RE SMART ABOUT IT,

YOU KNOW, THEY'LL PLAN THE

WEDDING AROUND THE SAME TIME

AS THE PROM AND RENT THE ONE

TUX.

[LAUGHTER]

SHE SAYS HE'S NOT IMMATURE.

YEAH.

WE'LL SEE IF SHE STILL THINKS

THAT THE FIRST TIME THEY HAVE

A DISAGREEMENT AND HE CALLS HER

A POO-POO HEAD.

[LAUGHTER]

♪ [MUSIC PLAYING]

BUDDY, JASON'S, WEDDING.

JASON GOT MARRIED.

I WAS HIS BEST MAN, RIGHT?

THAT DUDE IS LIKE A BROTHER

TO ME.

BLOND HAIR, BLUE EYES.

OTHER THAN THAT, WE COULD BE

TWINS.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M HIS BEST MAN, RIGHT?

I'M STANDING UP THERE NEXT TO

HIM.

OUR OTHER FRIEND, LANCE,

ONE OF THE GROOMSMEN.

LANCE IS CHINESE.

SO JASON'S WEDDING PICTURES

KIND OF LOOK LIKE THE BEGINNING

OF A BAD JOKE.

[LAUGHTER]

A BLACK MAN, A WHITE MAN AND A

CHINESE MAN WALK INTO A CHURCH.

[LAUGHTER]

OOH.

AT THEIR RECEPTION THEY DID

THIS THING.

WE DIDN'T DO THIS.

MAYBE SOME OF YOU HAVE DONE IT.

I DON'T KNOW.

THEY PUT THESE ONE-TIME USE

CAMERAS OUT ON THE TABLES,

RIGHT?

DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?

THE IDEA IS THAT THE GUESTS

WILL RECORD THE RECEPTION

THROUGH THEIR OWN EYES.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS A GREAT IDEA

'TIL THEY GET THEM PICTURES

BACK.

[LAUGHTER]

REALIZED ONLY THEM LITTLE BAD

KIDS HAD THE CAMERAS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THEY'RE GOING THROUGH HUNDREDS

OF PICTURES LIKE, "OH, HERE'S

ANOTHER ONE OF THE CAT'S BUTT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"UH-OH, LOOK AT THAT.

PIECE OF CAKE FLOATING IN THE

TOILET."

[LAUGHTER]

"WE GOT OURSELVES A CHRISTMAS

CARD."

[LAUGHTER]

ALL MY FRIENDS GOT KIDS, MAN.

ALL OUR FRIENDS, THEY GOT KIDS.

WE DON'T HAVE ANY.

WE GOT NIECES AND NEPHEWS,

THOUGH, LIKE I TOLD YOU.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S KIND OF COOL

'CAUSE YOU CAN PLAY WITH THEM

AND SEND THEM BACK.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, MAN.

BLESS THEIR HEARTS.

I FEEL LIKE I'M TOO MUCH OF

A KID MYSELF TO HAVE KIDS

SOMETIMES.

YOU GOTTA BE AN ADULT.

YOU GOTTA BE RESPONSIBLE.

AND I FEEL LIKE MY KIDS WOULD

BE DONE PLAYING BUT I WOULDN'T

BE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I'M WAKING THEM UP IN THE MIDDLE

OF THE NIGHT MAKING THEM CHASE

ME.

[LAUGHTER]

SOME TIME YOU FEEL LIKE BEING

CHASED.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

YOU CAN'T ALWAYS ASK YOUR WIFE

TO DO THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M IN THE KIDS' ROOM.

"HEY, HEY, SWEETHEART.

HEY.

HEY, PUNKIN.

HEY.

HEY, SLEEPYHEAD.

YOU'RE IT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LITTLE FOOTY PAJAMAS SLIPPING

ACROSS THE CARPET AND OUT INTO

THE DRIVEWAY.

"DADDY, AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED

TO BE ASLEEP?"

"WELL, IF YOU CATCH ME YOU CAN

GO BACK TO BED THEN, RIGHT?"

[LAUGHTER]

"I MADE YOU SOME COFFEE.

IT'S IN THE KITCHEN.

GO GET SOME.

'CAUSE WE PLAYING."

TOO MUCH PLAYING.

I'LL BE THE ONLY DAD KEEPING

HIS KIDS HOME FROM SCHOOL

TO TEACH ME HOW TO GET TO THE

NEXT LEVEL ON A VIDEOGAME.

[LAUGHTER]

"I'M SUPPOSED TO BE AT SCHOOL."

"DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

[LAUGHTER]

JUST BRING ME THE NOTE.

I'LL SIGN IT."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

"WE SAVING A UNIVERSE.

THIS IS IMPORTANT, TOO."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SOMETHING ABOUT CLINTON JACKSON.

LET YOUR BUDDY TELL YOU

SOMETHING.

I KNOW YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME

THINKING YOU GOT ME ALL FIGURED

OUT.

BUT I'M GONNA TELL YOU,

I WAS NOT A GOOD STUDENT.

[LAUGHTER]

I WASN'T A BAD KID.

BUT I WASN'T A GOOD STUDENT,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AND MY MIND WAS JUST ALWAYS

ELSEWHERE, RIGHT?

EVEN AT MY HIGH SCHOOL

GRADUATION I DIDN'T EVEN HEAR

THEM CALLING MY NAME 'CAUSE

I WAS TOO BUSY PLAYING WITH

THE TASSEL ON MY HAT.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

MY NAME IS JUST ECHOING

THROUGH THE BUILDING.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

EVEN WHEN THEY CALLED MY NAME

I DIDN'T GO GET THE DIPLOMA.

I JUST STOOD THERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

'CAUSE I WAS TOO SCARED, RIGHT,

'CAUSE I DIDN'T WANT IT NOT

TO BE TRUE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I DIDN'T WANT THEM TO BE

TRICKING ME.

I KNEW I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE

GRADUATING.

[LAUGHTER]

"CLINTON JACKSON WILL NOT BE

GRADUATING."

[LAUGHTER]

I AIN'T TRIPPING.

I'M GONNA DO COMEDY.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

SEE?

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I KNOW SOME OF YOU DON'T EVEN

FEEL WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M

TALKING ABOUT 'CAUSE YOU WERE

GOOD STUDENTS.

AND YOU DON'T KNOW THE STRUGGLE

OF SOMEBODY LIKE ME, RIGHT?

SEE, YOU ALL-- SOME OF YOU--

I KNOW 'CAUSE I USED TO SEE--

I USED TO LOOK OVER AT YOU IN

CLASS.

KNOW WHAT YOU DID, RIGHT?

MAN, YOU DID GOOD.

YOU GOT YOUR WORK TURNED IN

ON TIME.

AND YOU GOT EVERYTHING RIGHT.

GOOD GRADES.

WENT ON AND GOT A COUPLE OF

DEGREES NOW YOU KNOW WHAT

I MEAN?

WELL, I AIN'T TALKING TO YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M TALKING TO THE OTHER PEOPLE,

MY PEOPLE.

I'M TALKING TO ANYBODY WHO'S

EVER PRAYED FOR A D.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I'M TALKING TO ANYBODY WHO'S

EVER DONE A BOOK REPORT FOR

A BOOK YOU DID NOT READ.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

RIGHT?

RIGHT?

THE DATE IT IS DUE YOU WERE

LOOKING AT THE BACK OF THE

BOOK TRYING TO DO A REPORT.

[LAUGHTER]

"THIS WAS THE EPIC TALE OF

A MAN AND HIS DREAMS.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S DESTINED TO BECOME A

CLASSIC, SAYS THE NEW YORK

TIMES...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND ME."

[LAUGHTER]

I GREW UP IN OAKLAND,

CALIFORNIA, RIGHT?

BORN AND RAISED.

AND I LIVE IN L.A. NOW, RIGHT?

BUT-- WE TAKE TRIPS UP.

MATTER FACT, WE WENT UP FROM

L.A. TO SAN FRANCISCO AND IT'S

ABOUT A SIX-HOUR TRIP, RIGHT?

IT WAS LATE.

MY WIFE'S ASLEEP 'CAUSE SHE'S

USELESS IN THE CAR KEEPING ME

COMPANY.

[LAUGHTER]

RIGHT?

WE DRIVE UP.

AND I WAS TRIED SO I GOT ME

ONE OF THEM ENERGY DRINKS.

I FIGURED I'D PULL OVER AND

TRY A COUPLE OF THEM.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT.

THEM LITTLE CARBONATED THINGS

THAT TELL YOU THEY GIVE YOU

BOOST, GIVE YOU ENERGY, RIGHT?

GIVE YOU WINGS.

YEAH, IF YOU DRINK ONE OF

THEM.

WHAT THEY DON'T TELL YOU,

IF YOU DRINK FOUR OF THEM YOU

LIABLE TO BE OUT ON THE HOOD

OF THE CAR NAKED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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