Liza Treyger

  • Season 4, Ep 1
  • 08/22/2015

Liza Treyger talks about her future as a party animal, the dangerous side effects of weird penises and how difficult it is for her to get laid because of her standards.

So I was having a conversationwith one of my guy friends--

and he's a really good guyfriend of mine,

'cause this is gonna seem creepyand I get that,

but it wasn't creepy.We're very good friends.

And he was just like,

"Liza, what's it liketo give a blow job?

"I'm so curious.

"What's a woman's point of viewin giving blow jobs?"

And I was like, "I don't know.

If you like the guy,it's pretty fun and great."

And then he went, "Oh.

"How many guysthat you don't like

(bleep) have you sucked?"

Ooh. Um...

It's not zero.

It's, like,a very upsetting realization

to have about yourself.

It's sad.You know, just like,

it doesn't make sense to me.

I want, like... I'm a feminist,I have great parents,

I want to be a good role modelto my niece, like...

How do I have dicks in my mouththat I don't want in there?

That's crazy.

(laughing):That's so crazy.

And so I wantedto figure it out,

and, like, I'm not oneto blame anyone

for my, like, decisions or life.

Like, I, you know,I live my life, I'm happy.

But I just wantedto figure it out,

and I do wish that I had

better sex lessonsas a young girl.

I just wish, at 13 years oldin health class,

like, sex ed was better.

All I remember is just, like,

"Abstinence. Pregnancy.Diseases.

"You're a rose.


"every time you have sexwith someone,

"you rip a petaloff of the rose.

"And then you're justa thorny stick.

"Is that what you wantto give to your husband?

Just a thorny, dried-up stick?"

How dare you?

How dare you say thatto a young girl?

That sex isn't for her

and she has to give itto some weird dude?

That is messed...

I feel like the only lesson

girls should be taughtin sex ed is:

"Hey. If you're not (bleep),

nobody's (bleep)."

And then that's it.

That's it.

When I go to the gym

sometimes I get insecure,

'cause everyone looksreally good.

So I started doingthis new thing

where I tell peoplethat I have children,

and then they're, like,

really impressed with my body.

They love it.

Just like...


"Little Emma,she's three months old.

"Just a giggle monster.

"It's great, yeah.

"She's reading.

"I'm just, like,such a good mom.

It's amazing."

No, um,

I would not have children.

It's (bleep) disgusting.


It's gross.

Pregnant women are so gross

that their belly buttonsare growing away from them.

It's disgusting.

I mean, honestly, like,

if you meet a man and he's like,

"Oh, my pregnant wifeis so beautiful and sexy.

I love to make loveto my pregnant wife."

Like, he's murdered before.


Don't trust him,don't trust him.