Comedy Central Presents
Season 14

CC Presents: Julian McCullough

  • Season 14, Ep 7
  • 01/11/2010

'CAUSE I W--WELL, I WAS GONNA DIE.

AND, UH...IT HAS BEEN AMAZING.

SO MUCH HAS CHANGED.

I HAVE DREAMS NOW.

NOT FOR MY FUTURE.

AT NIGHT, WHEN I GO TO SLEEP,I'LL DREAM.

'CAUSE I DIDN'T DREAMFOR 10 YEARS.

DID YOU KNOW IF YOU GO TO BEDWASTED, YOUR BRAIN CAN'T DREAM?

IT'S LIKE A MEDICAL THING.

I HAVE MY OWN THEORY, AND THAT'STHAT YOUR BRAIN IS LIKE,

"DUDE,I'M NOT GONNA ENTERTAIN YOU

AFTER WHAT YOU JUST DID TO MEFOR THE LAST SIX HOURS."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"OH.

"OH, YOU WANT TO FEELWHAT IT'S LIKE TO FLY?

"GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF.

"I'LL BE UP ALL NIGHTWITH YOUR LIVER,

FIGURING OUTHOW WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT TO 50."

[ LAUGHTER ]

UM, BUT, YEAH, I ALSO --WHAT ELSE HAS HAPPENED?

OH, I GOT A CAT.YEAH.

I'M A SINGLE STRAIGHT DUDEWITH A CAT.

IT'S TOTALLY NORMAL.I LOOKED IT UP ONLINE.

AND, UH,I'M ACTUALLY KIND OF NERVOUS,

'CAUSE I HAVEN'T HAD AGIRLFRIEND IN A YEAR AND A HALF,

AND I TALK TO MY CAT,LIKE, WAY TOO MUCH,

AND I DON'T WANT TO BEA CAT LADY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SITTING AT HOME SATURDAY NIGHTBY MYSELF

WATCHING "SEX AND THE CITY,"DRINKING RED WINE,

BEING LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.MEN SUCK. RIGHT, POP-TARTS?"

AND SHE'S LIKE, "MEOW!"I'M LIKE, "RIGHT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

BY THE WAY,I DIDN'T PLAN ON GETTING A CAT.

I DIDN'T WAKE UP ONE DAY LIKE,

"I'M GONNA CONFUSEALL MY GUY FRIENDS."

WHAT HAPPENED WAS

ANIMAL SHELTERSIN NEW YORK CITY, THEY CHEAT.

THEY DON'T WAIT FOR YOUTO GO INTO AN ANIMAL SHELTER

AND PICK OUT AN ANIMAL.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO?

THEY TAKE THE CUTEST LITTLEPUPPIES AND KITTENS THEY HAVE,

AND THEY PUT THEM IN CAGESOUT ON THE SIDEWALK

OUTSIDE THE ANIMAL SHELTER.

SO YOU'RE JUST WALKING HOME,MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS,

NO INTENTION OF ADOPTINGAN ANIMAL WHATSOEVER,

AND THEN YOU HEAR "MEW!"

AND YOU'RE LIKE [BLEEP]

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M CRYINGAND TRYING TO HIDE IT.

AND THE VOLUNTEER LADY WAS LIKE,

"SIR, YOU HEARD THAT.SHE WAS TALKING TO YOU."

[ LAUGHTER ]

SHE WAS LIKE, "MEW!"

ME...YOU. "MEW?"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I HAD A GIRLFRIEND BEFORE,

I SWEAR.

IT WAS A YEAR AND A HALF AGO.

I ACTUALLY LIVED WITH HER.

AND LIVING WITH SOMEBODY --IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO BREAK UP.

IT TAKES FOREVER.

I WAS DIGGING A HOLE THROUGHMY BEDROOM WALL WITH A SPOON

UNDER A POSTERFOR LIKE SIX WEEKS.

THERE WAS ANOTHER GUYIN THE TUNNEL FROM MY BUILDING.

I WAS LIKE, "YOU TOO?"

HE WAS LIKE, "LET'S GETTHE [BLEEP] OUT OF HERE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHS ]

I DON'T MIND -- WOMAN ALWAYSWANT YOU TO GO CHECK THINGS OUT

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHTIF THEY HEAR A NOISE.

WHICH I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEMWITH IF IT'S A REAL THREAT,

'CAUSE I'M A REAL MAN.

BUT THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

SHE WOKE ME UP IN THE MIDDLEOF THE NIGHT ONE TIME.

SHE GOES, "Wake up!I think we have a ghost!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"OH, ALL RIGHT.

I'LL JUST STRAP THE VACUUMTO MY BACK AND GO CHECK IT OUT."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

MY EX HAD ONE OF THOSEENORMOUS DESIGNER HANDBAGS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON

WITH THE PURSE SITUATIONIN NEW YORK CITY,

BUT THEY'RE GETTING BIGGERAND BIGGER EVERY YEAR.

IT'S LIKE THE NEW ONESARE EATING THE OLD ONES

FROM LAST YEAR.

THE ONLY GOOD THING

IS THAT GIRLS HAVE EVERYTHINGIN THEIR PURSE

YOU COULD EVER NEED ALL DAY,

NO MATTER WHATYOUR PROBLEM IS EVER.

YOU'RE LIKE,"I HAVE A HEADACHE."

THEY'RE LIKE,"HERE'S A TYLENOL."

YOU'RE LIKE,"I HAVE THE SNIFFLES."

THEY'RE LIKE, "HERE'S A TISSUE."

YOU'RE LIKE,"I HAVE TO GO TO ILLINOIS."

THEY'RE LIKE,"HERE'S A BUS SCHEDULE."

YOU'RE LIKE, "JESUS."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"IT'S TO ILLINOIS."

SO, MY EX-GIRLFRIENDHAD A BAG LIKE THAT,

BUT IT WAS ALSO GROSS INSIDEBECAUSE SHE WAS A SLOB.

AND I KNOW THISBECAUSE ONE DAY I GO,

"I HAVE A HEADACHE.DO YOU HAVE ANY PILLS?"

SHE GOES, "YEAH.REACH IN MY BAG."

I REACH IN.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE A KID

AND YOU GO TO A HAUNTED HOUSE INYOUR NEIGHBORHOOD FOR HALLOWEEN

AND THEY BLINDFOLD YOU

AND MAKE YOU PUT YOUR HANDIN A BUCKETFUL OF NOODLES

AND THEY'RE LIKE,"IS IT BRAINS?!"

AND YOU'RE LIKE,"I WANT TO GO HOME"?

THAT'S WHAT IT FELT LIKEWHEN I PUT MY HAND IN HER BAG.

BUT IT TURNS OUTIT WAS MELTED LIP GLOSS

WITH LOOSE CHANGE AND HAIR.

[ AUDIENCE GROANING ]

I KNOW.

SHE HAD PILLS,BUT THEY WEREN'T IN A CONTAINER.

JUST A BUNCH OF RANDOM,DIFFERENT-COLORED PILLS

FLOATING AROUNDTHE BOTTOM OF HER BAG.

SO I TOOK SEVEN

AND HOPED ONE OF THEMWOULD CURE A HEADACHE.

AND DON'T DO THAT.

IF YOU'RE A GUY, DON'T TAKEPILLS OUT OF A GIRL'S BAG

IF YOU DON'T KNOWWHAT THEY'RE GONNA DO TO YOU.

'CAUSE A WEEK LATER, GUESS WHOHAD FEELINGS FOR THE FIRST TIME.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

MY NIPPLES GOT TENDER.

I STARTED SPOTTING.THAT WAS GROSS.

AND I GOT ADDICTEDTO "THE HILLS."

I'M LIKE, "THIS SHOW SUCKS,BUT I CAN'T STOP WATCHING IT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

SO...I WROTE A PICKUP LINE,EVERYBODY.

ONE OF THESE EGOTISTICAL, CRAZYFAMOUS PEOPLE.

I RODE MY BICYCLETO THIS SPECIAL.

YEAH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I RIDE --

I RIDE MY BIKE EVERYWHEREIN NEW YORK CITY EVERY DAY.

IT'S HOW I GET AROUND.

RIDING YOUR BIKEIN NEW YORK CITY IS EXCITING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

'CAUSE YOU KNOWHOW YOU'RE GONNA DIE.

YOU JUST DON'T KNOW WHEN.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IT'S REALLY --HALF THE MYSTERY IS STILL THERE.

"I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES,I HOPE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

UM...SO, I LIVEIN A STUDIO APARTMENT

BECAUSE MY CAREER IS AMAZING.

AND IF YOU DON'T KNOWWHAT A STUDIO APARTMENT IS,

I CAN SEE MY STOVE AND MY TOILETFROM MY BED, SO...

NOTHING HAPPENS UNDER MY WATCH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

OH.

I DON'T HAVE ANY CURTAINSIN MY APARTMENT.

I TRIED TO BUY CURTAINS.I WENT TO THE STORE.

I WAS LIKE, "I WOULD LIKETHESE CURTAINS, PLEASE."

AND THEY WERE LIKE, "$40."AND I WAS LIKE, "NOPE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

FOUND OUT RIGHT THEN

JUST HOW LOW ON MY LISTOF PRIORITIES CURTAINS WERE.

IT TURNS OUTI'D RATHER GET DRUNK ONCE

THAN EVER HAVE CURTAINSFOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

'CAUSE HOW I LOOK AT IT,CURTAINS ARE A NEIGHBOR PROBLEM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'VE SEEN MY PENISA MILLION TIMES,

AND I AM COOL WITH IT.

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT IT, YOU CAN PAY $40 FOR CURTAINS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE ONLY PROBLEM IS,

IF YOU LIVE IN A STUDIOAPARTMENT WITH NO CURTAINS,

AT NIGHT, WHEN YOU TURN YOURLIGHT ON TO GO TO THE BATHROOM,

YOUR NEIGHBORS ACROSS THE STREETCAN SEE EVERYTHING YOU'RE DOING,

LIKE YOU'RE ON STAGE.

SO NOW I HAVE TO SUCK MY GUT INJUST TO WALK TO MY OWN BATHROOM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I PLAY WITH MYSELFA LITTLE BIT

'CAUSE I'M NOT GONNA HAVE IT BETINY WHEN I GO TO THE BATHROOM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I'M GONNA PUFF THAT LITTLE GUYUP, RESPECTABLE-LIKE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

GET HIM READYFOR HIS FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL,

IF YOU KNOWWHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

I DON'T GET IT [BLEEP]I'M NOT GROSS.

BUT I GET A PRETTY SWEETIN-BETWEENER GOING,

AND THEN I WALK WITH DIGNITYAND CONFIDENCE TO THE BATHROOM

BEFORE SITTING DOWN TO PEE.

BUT IT'S TOTALLY WORTH IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO...

SPEAKING OF WHICH,I WAS IN A DINER THIS WEEK

'CAUSE THINGS ARE GOING WELL.

AND I WENT TO USE THE BATHROOM,AND THE DOOR TO THE BATHROOM,

NOT ONLY WAS IT NOT LOCKED,IT WAS OPEN A CRACK.

SO I JUST SWUNG THE DOOR OPEN,

AND MY SECOND BIGGEST FEARHAPPENED --

A GUY RIGHT THERE,10 INCHES AWAY, TAKING A DUMP,

EYE CONTACT -- BOOM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I SAY MY SECOND BIGGEST FEAR

BECAUSE MY FIRST BIGGEST FEARIS OBVIOUSLY BEING THAT GUY.

THAT'S THE WORST THING THAT CANHAPPEN TO ANYBODY IN A DINER.

HERE'S HOW WE ALL REACT

IF SOMEBODY WALKS IN ON YOUIN A PUBLIC BATHROOM

BECAUSE YOU FORGOTTO LOCK THE DOOR.

READY?IT'S ALL ABOUT THE SAME, RIGHT?

WE'RE ALL PEOPLE.

UM..."SOMEBODY'S IN HERE!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHICH...

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WHICH IS COOL,'CAUSE IT LETS PEOPLE KNOW

THAT YOU'RE IN THEREIN ANY LANGUAGE.

AND THIS GUY LOOKED AT ME,DIDN'T EVEN BLINK,

AND HE GOES,"GIVE ME A MINUTE, CHIEF."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD DO THAT.

I DIDN'T KNOWYOU COULD BE THE CONFIDENT ONE

IN A CONVERSATIONWITH A STRANGER

WHEN YOU'RE NOT WEARINGYOUR PANTS.

I THOUGHT I WAS DREAMING.

I WAS LIKE,"AM I COMPLETELY NAKED?

HOW ARE YOU IN CHARGERIGHT NOW?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO, I'M IN SAN FRANCISCO, RIGHT?

AND I GO TO RIDE THE BUS.

REGULAR CITY BUS.

THIS BUS IS PACKED.IT'S A SOLD-OUT, RUSH-HOUR BUS.

WE GO TO STOP IN CHINATOWN,

AND THIS LIKE 150-YEAR-OLDLITTLE CHINESE LADY

GOES TO GET ON THE BUS, RIGHT?

SHE PROBABLYWASN'T LITERALLY 150,

BUT YOU KNOW HOWWHEN ASIAN PEOPLE GET OLD,

THEY START TO LOOK LIKEMAGICAL OLD, LIKE...

SHE COULD HAVE BEENA THOUSAND YEARS OLD.

OR IF YOU FOUND HER SHOPAND GAVE HER MONEY,

SHE'D GIVE YOU AN ANIMALAND BE LIKE, "DON'T GET IT WET."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SO...

SO, SHE'S GOINGTO GET ON THE BUS.

SHE'S GOT GROCERIES INHER LEFT HAND, WHICH IS NORMAL,

AND A LIVE CHICKENTHAT SHE'S HOLDING BY ITS NECK

IN HER RIGHT HAND,WHICH IS NOT NORMAL.

AND THE CHICKENISN'T COOL WITH IT.

THE CHICKEN IS FREAKING OUT,'CAUSE HE'S LIKE,

"IF I DON'T GET AWAY FROM THISLADY, I'M DINNER IN AN HOUR."

SO HE'S "BA-GAWK"ing

AND, LIKE, CLAWING AT THE AIRWITH HIS CLAWS.

CHICKENS HAVE CLAWS.

AND SHE'S ABOUTTO BRING THIS THING

ON A PACKED BUS FULL OF PEOPLE

THAT AREN'T DRESSED FOR THAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO THE BUS DRIVER LOOKS DOWN,AND HE'S LIKE,

"YO, YOU CAN'T BRINGA LIVE CHICKEN

"ON A BUS IN AMERICA EVER.

THAT'S MOSTLY WHY WE CAME HERE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO SHE'S KIND OF CONFUSED.SHE GETS OFF THE BUS.

GUY IN THE FRONT OF THE BUSTHAT SAW THIS HAPPEN,

HE'S A PASSENGER.

HE'S THE ONLY ONETHAT COULD SEE IT

'CAUSE IT WAS SO CROWDEDON THE BUS.

HE HAD THAT THING HAPPENWHERE --

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN PUBLIC,AND YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE

THAT CAN SEE SOMETHING INSANEOR GROSS OR HILARIOUS HAPPENING?

YOU HAVE TO BRING OVERANOTHER REGULAR STRANGER

TO SHARE THAT WITH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SO, THIS GUY ON THE BUSTURNS AROUND, AND HE'S LIKE,

"YO, THAT LADY TRIED TO BRINGA LIVE CHICKEN ON THE BUS!"

AND WE WERE LIKE, "WHAT?"HE WAS LIKE, "RIGHT."

WE'RE ALL HIGH-FIVING.

AND THEN IT STOPS,BECAUSE WE HEAR -- BOOF! --

AGAINST THE SIDE OF THE BUS.

THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

SHE HAD GOTTEN OFF THE BUS,TAKEN THE CHICKEN BY ITS FEET,

AND WHACKED ITS HEAD AGAINST THESIDE OF THE BUS UNTIL IT DIED

AND THEN GOT BACK ON THE BUS,LIKE, "ARE WE GOOD?"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND THE BUS DRIVERHAD THE MANUAL OUT,

LIKE, "I DON'T EVEN KNOWIF THAT'S IN HERE.

I'VE BEEN DRIVING THIS THINGFOR 20 YEARS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT HE LET HER ON THE BUS'CAUSE HE'S TERRIFIED OF HER.

SO NOW WHAT WAS LIKE ACOCKTAIL PARTY FIVE SECONDS AGO

IS DEAD SILENT AND CREEPY

BECAUSE YODA IS NOW SHUFFLINGDOWN THE MIDDLE OF THIS BUS

DRIPPING SALMONELLAON EVERYBODY'S FEET.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SHE GETS TO THE BACK.THREE SEATS OPEN UP, 'CAUSE EW!

AND SHE GOT TO SITFOR THE REST OF THAT TRIP.

WE ALL GOT OFF ON THE NEXT STOP.

AND THAT'S A TRUE STORY.

I DON'T HAVE A BIG FINISH.I WISH I DID.

I WISH I COULD BE LIKE,"THEN I [BLEEP] HER."

LIKE, THAT WOULD BE FANTASTIC.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

IS I CAN HAVE SEXALL THE WAY TO THE END.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

FOR A --

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

FOR ME, I'M SAYING.FOR ME.

UH...'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE --

WHEN YOU'RE DRINKING A LOTAND YOU'RE A GUY,

YOUR EQUIPMENTGETS ALL SCREWED UP, RIGHT?

AND HALF THE TIME,IT'S NOT READY TO HAVE SEX.

BUT WHAT'S WEIRD IS,IF YOU'RE A GUY,

YOUR PENIS WILL TRICK YOUINTO TRYING ANYWAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU'RE LIKE,"THERE'S NO WAY I CAN DO THIS."

AND THEN YOUR PENIS WILL BELIKE, "PUT ME IN, COACH!"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND WE'RE --WE'RE LIKE, "MM.

"YOU'RE LITTLE,BUT YOU GOT HEART.

GET IN THERE," AND THEN...

YOUR BALLS --

YOUR BALLS ARE LIKE,"RUDY, RUDY, RUDY, RUDY, RUDY!"

AND THEN...

AND THEN YOUR PENIS RUNS OUT,AND HE'S LIKE...

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

[ SNORES ]

YOU'RE LIKE, "MOTHER..."

[ APPLAUSE ]

I WROTE A PICKUP LINE,EVERYBODY.

I-I FINALLY WROTE A PICKUP LINE.

I'VE NEVER USED IT IN PUBLIC.

YOU TELL ME IF THIS IS GOOD,OKAY?

ARE YOU READY?ARE YOU -- CAN I USE IT ON YOU?

ALL RIGHT, GREAT.

UH, JUST PRETEND YOU'RE A GIRL,AND YOU'RE...

NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?I'M GONNA USE IT ON YOU.

I'M GONNA USE IT ON YOU,'CAUSE YOU HAVE BANGS.

YOU'RE MORE MY TYPE.

SO...

PRETEND YOU'RE A GIRLAND YOU'RE IN A BAR, OKAY?

OKAY.

HEY, NO, I FOUND HER.SHE'S RIGHT HERE.

THANKS.

THAT WAS CUPID.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S ACTUALLY NOT EVEN CLOSE

TO AS GOOD AS THE BEST PICKUPLINE I'VE EVER HEARD,

WHICH WAS USED ON ME,

WHICH IS THE ONLY TIME A PICKUPLINE HAS EVER BEEN USED ON ME,

AND IT WAS AMAZING.

I WISH I MADE THIS UP.I'M NOT THAT SMART.

I WAS IN A BAR.

I WAS WEARING A BATMAN T-SHIRT,'CAUSE I'M AN ADULT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THIS WOMAN STARTED CHARGINGRIGHT AT ME,

BUT SHE WAS STUMBLING.

SHE WAS FALLING INTO STUFF.SHE WAS WASTED.

I WAS LIKE, "AWESOME."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I'M ALREADY SAVING MONEY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SO, SHE COMES UP TO ME,AND SHE GOES -- SHE GOES

[Slurred] "IS IT TRUEWHAT THEY SAY ABOUT BATMAN?"

I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.WHAT DO THEY SAY ABOUT BATMAN?"

SHE GOES [Slurred]"THAT I'M GONNA [BLEEP] HIM."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S A TRUE STORY.

I USED TO FAKE ORGASM,'CAUSE I'M A GENTLEMAN.

AND WOMEN ARE VERY SENSITIVEABOUT THEIR LOOKS,

ESPECIALLY IN BED.

AND IF YOU CAN'T FINISH,THEY'LL BE LIKE,

"IS IT 'CAUSE I'M NOT PRETTY?"

YOU CAN'T BE LIKE...

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

SO...

SO I USED TO FAKE IT.

HERE'S THE PROBLEM --

NO IDEA HOW TO FAKE AN ORGASM.

NO FRAME OF REFERENCE.

THEY DIDN'T PULL GUYSOUT OF SEVENTH-GRADE GYM CLASS

LIKE THEY DID WITH GIRLS,WHEN THEY WERE LIKE,

"THIS IS YOUR PERIOD.THIS IS HOW YOU FAKE AN ORGASM."

THEY DIDN'T DO THAT WITH US.

WITH US, THEY WERE LIKE,"KEEP CLIMBING THE ROPE."

AND WE WERE LIKE, "GOT IT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEN I WAS LIKE,

"MAYBE I'LL JUST COPY HOW I --HOW I DO IT WHEN I'M SOBER."

BUT THEN I WAS LIKE,"NO, I CAN'T DO THAT,"'CAUSE IT'S TOO AWESOME,

AND I ALWAYS BLACK OUTFOR LIKE NINE SECONDS.

AND THEN I WAKE UP, LIKE, "WHENDID WE GET A BLACK PRESIDENT?"

SO THAT'S NOT GONNA WORK.

[ APPLAUSE ]

I APPLAUD YOUFOR APPLAUDING THAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO THEN I WAS LIKE,"YOU KNOW WHAT I'LL DO?

"I'LL JUST ACT LIKEI'M REALLY HAPPY TO SEEHER ALL OF A SUDDEN,

"LIKE I HADN'T SEEN HERIN YEARS,

AND THEN I RAN INTO HERON THE STREET."

THAT WAS GONNA BEMY ACTING MOTIVATION, RIGHT?

SO I GOT KIND OF EXCITED.

IT WAS GONNA BEAN ACTING EXERCISE.

AND THE FIRST TIMEI WAS GONNA DO IT,

I WAS HAVING SEX WITH THIS GIRLFOR LIKE THREE MINUTES,

AND I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S PLENTY."

SO I WAS LIKE,"ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA DO THIS.

I'M GONNA FAKE AN ORGASM."

AND SHE WAS LIKE, "WHAT?"I WAS LIKE, "NOTHING."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

AND I WAS LIKE, "AH, AH, AHH!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"HUH?"

"YOU LOOK GREAT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW I HAVE THE OPPOSITE PROBLEM,RIGHT?

YOU DO IT TOO FAST.

AND GIRLS GET MAD ABOUT THATIF THEY FIND OUT,

BUT WE HIDE IT HALF THE TIME.

DID YOU KNOW THAT, GIRLS?

GUYS FAKE NOT ORGASMALL THE TIME.

BUT IT'S HARDER TO HIDE ITTHAN IT IS TO FAKE IT.

HERE'S US HIDING IT. READY?

"AHH, HA, HA!

WHOO!"

AND YOU'RE LIKE...

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT WAS THAT?"AND WE'RE LIKE, "NOTHING.

BUT I AM SAD NOW, AND I DON'TWANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I'M EMOTIONAL.YOU'RE SELFISH."

GETTING A -- GETTING A WOMANTO FINISH IS VERY COMPLICATED.

YOU'RE ALL DIFFERENT.

AND A LOT OF YOU DON'T EVEN KNOWHOW TO DO IT YOURSELF.

YOU'RE LIKE,"WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?"

AND YOU'RE LIKE,"I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA KNOW."

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WE'RE GONNA BEHERE FOR A LONG TIME."

BUT IF YOU'RE DRUNK,FORGET ABOUT IT.

TRYING TO GET A DRUNK GIRLTO FINISH

IS LIKE TRYINGTO TAKE A DRUNK GIRL HOME

WHEN SHE CAN'T REMEMBERWHERE SHE LIVES,

AND SHE'S LIKE, "THAT'S NOT IT.

THAT'S NOT IT.THAT'S NOT IT."

[ APPLAUSE ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

SO YOU JUST LEAVE THEM.

NO, I'M KIDDING.

I JUST WROTE --I JUST WROTE THAT RIGHT NOW.

SO, UH...

I DID IT ONCE, THOUGH.

I MADE A DRUNK GIRL FINISHONE TIME.

HOWEVER, IT TOOK HER SO LONG,BY THE TIME SHE WAS DONE,

MY [BLEEP] LOOKED LIKEI FELL ASLEEP IN THE TUB.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHS ]

AND THE WORST PART IS, I THOUGHTOF THAT WHILE I WAS DOING IT,

AND I CRACKED UP.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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