Kirchberger, Etheridge, Andors, Smoove

  • Season 5, Ep 511
  • 12/21/2001

Eric Kirchberger gets mistaken for an assistant manager, Brian Keith Etheridge admits he's a jackass, Jason Andors describes life with his mom, and JB Smoove needs directions.

DON'T WE?

DO WE HAVE SOME COUPLES

IN THE HOUSE?

(CHEERS)

I WAS KIND OF SCARED FOR A

MINUTE.

I SEE YOU.

I SEE YOU.

IT'S WEIRD WHEN YOU LOOK AT

COUPLES.

YOU KNOW, MEN AND WOMEN.

MEN AND WOMEN ARE SO DIFFERENT.

THERE WAS A SURVEY THAT SAID

THAT 35% OF YOUNG WOMEN IN

AMERICA ARE AFRAID TO HAVE

AN ORGASM IN FRONT OF THEIR

BOYFRIENDS.

(LAUGHTER)

BECAUSE THEY'RE AFRAID THAT THEY

MAY FART.

(LAUGHTER)

SEE?

THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

MEN AND WOMEN.

THIS IS A REAL SURVEY.

I'M NOT MAKING IT UP.

(LAUGHTER)

SEE, FOR MEN THERE IS NOTHING

YOU CAN TELL US THAT--

I MEAN, IF YOU TOLD MEN EVERY

TIME WE HAD AN ORGASM WE'D

TAKE A DUMP IN OUR PANTS.

YOU SEE MEN GOING...

"SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?"

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH.

I WOULD ACTUALLY LIKE TO BEGIN

BY CLEARING UP A MISCONCEPTION.

APPARENTLY, SOME PEOPLE THINK

THAT JUST BECAUSE I'M A DORK...

(LAUGHTER)

THAT THAT AUTOMATICALLY MEANS

THAT I HAVE TO BE A LOSER.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING...

THAT IS A COINCIDENCE.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

ANYBODY HERE BLACK?

JUST--

JUST ME?

NO.

THANK GOD IT'S JUST NOT ME.

OH!

I HATE THE MAN.

I HAVE BLACK FRIENDS WHO

COMPLAIN TO ME THAT THEY CAN'T

GO TO A STORE WITHOUT BEING

FOLLOWED 'CAUSE PEOPLE ASSUME

THAT THEIR SHOPLIFTERS.

AND TO THAT I SAY, "WHAT ABOUT

ME?"

I CAN'T GO INTO A STORE

WITHOUT PEOPLE ASSUMING THAT

I'M THE ASSISTANT MANAGER.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO I FEEL THAT PEOPLE ARE

GETTING STUPIDER.

WOULD YOU AGREE WITH THAT?

(CHEERS AND WHISTLES)

EVERYONE BUT YOU GUYS.

I FEEL--

NO.

I FEEL--

DON'T YOU FEEL THAT PEOPLE ARE

GETTING STUPIDER?

I FEEL LIKE DARWIN MUST BE

LOOKING DOWN ON TO US AT THIS

POINT GOING...

"WHEN IT WAS A THEORY."

WHAT HAPPENED?

WHAT HAPPENED TO EVOLUTION?

LOOK AROUND.

THIS IS NOT THE FITTEST.

(LAUGHTER)

THIS IS NOT THE FITTEST.

I DON'T CARE HOW BIG A CURVE

YOU'RE GRADING ON, THIS IS NOT

THE FITTEST.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NOW YOU'RE WITH ME.

YOU KNOW HOW BADLY EVOLUTION

IS GOING NOW?

ME.

WE'VE GOT ME.

I'M ALLERGIC TO BREAD.

(LAUGHTER)

DO YOU KNOW HOW WEAK YOU HAVE

TO BE GENETICALLY FOR BREAD

TO BE TOO MUCH FOR YOU?

THE MOST ANNOYING THING IS

EXPLAINING TO PEOPLE THAT

I'M ALLERGIC TO BREAD.

'CAUSE EVERY TIME I HAVE TO GO

THROUGH THIS DISCUSSION,

"AH, CAN YOU HAVE CAKE?"

(LAUGHTER)

"NO.

NO.

NO, I CAN'T HAVE CAKE."

"COOKIES?"

"I'M ALLERGIC TO BREAD."

"TOAST."

"I'M ALLERGIC"--

"IF YOU'RE WITH SUPERMAN GOT

INTO A FIGHT"...

"OH, GOD."

"AND YOU HAD CRYPTINITE

AND HE HAD A BREADSTICK"...

(LAUGHTER)

"COULD YOU BEAT HIM?"

"I'M GONNA BEAT YOU WITH A

BREADSTICK IN ABOUT TWO SECONDS.

THEY'RE GONNA FIND YOU WITH A

CRAWLER EMBEDDED IN YOUR SKULL."

"CAN YOU HAVE CRAWLERS?"

"SHUT UP!"

I USED TO PLAY SPORTS WHEN I WAS

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THE THING I USED TO LOVE--

I USED TO LOVE SPEECHES THE

COACH WOULD GIVE EVERY GAME.

YOU GOT A BUNCH OF EIGHT YEAR

OLDS.

YOU'RE LUCKY THEY DON'T WET

THEMSELVES, LET ALONE GET A HIT.

THE COACH THINKS EVERY GAME

IS THE WORLD SERIES.

"TODAY IS THE DAY.

TODAY IS THE DAY WE SHOW THEM

THE "POLIOSEE SANITATION

REMOVAL" IS A TEAM TO BE

RECKONED WITH.

NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE

THINKING.

YOU'RE THINKING, HOW CAN WE

WIN...

AGAINST SHAKEY'S PIZZA?

SHAKEY'S PIZZAS IS THE BEST TEAM

IN THE LEAGUE.

SHAKEY'S PIZZA IS UNBEATABLE.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW WHY I STARTED COACHING

THIS TEAM?

TO COMPLETE THE REMAINDER

OF MY COMMUNITY SERVICE HOURS.

THAT'S WHY I STARTED COACHING

THIS TEAM.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

OH, NO.

OH, NO.

DON'T CRY.

DON'T CRY.

YOU'RE GONNA CRY NOW?

YOU'RE GONNA CRY LIKE A BUNCH

OF GIRLS.

YOU'VE BEEN PLAYING LIKE A

BUNCH OF GIRLS, I CAN TELL YOU

THAT MUCH.

YOU GUYS ARE THE BIGGEST BUNCH

OF PANSIES THAT I'VE EVER

COACHED.

AND IF YOU DON'T GET OUT THERE

AND KICK SOME ASS TODAY,

YOU'RE GONNA BE RUNNING LAPS

UNTIL YOUR HEADS FALL OFF!

ALL RIGHT.

HERE'S THE LINE-UP.

SUSIE, CHERYL, MELISSA, AMY...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ON THE WAY IN HERE TONIGHT

AND, AH...

I SEE THIS PAN HANDLER--

THIS HOMELESS GUY, RIGHT?

AND HE'S TRYING TO BUM SOME

CHANGE OFF ME FOR FOOD...

WHILE HE WAS EATING!

TOTALLY UNPROFESSIONAL.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

ANYONE IN THE AUDIENCE EMPLOYED

IN THE DEBT-COLLECTION INDUSTRY?

ANYONE?

I WANTED TO PUT A FACE WITH A

VOICE.

ANYBODY HAVE BAD CREDIT?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NOW I'M NOT UP HERE TO LECTURE

YOU PEOPLE...

BUT, I HAD BAD CREDIT.

AND I KNOW THAT YOU ARE LOOKING

AT ME KNOW THINKING, HOW?

BUT I WAS THERE.

I HAD BAD CREDIT.

THAT'S BEFORE I TURNED MY LIFE

AROUND.

AND I GAINED SOME PERSONAL

FREEDOM...

(LAUGHTER)

AND I GAINED SOME FINANCIAL

FREEDOM...

AND I GAINED SOME PEACE OF MIND.

BY TAKING MY BAD CREDIT

AND TURNING IT IN TO IRREVOCABLY

BAD CREDIT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND YOU CAN DO THE SAME THING

BY PICKING UP MY BOOK ENTITLED

"LOOKS LIKE FROM HERE ON OUT

I'LL BE PAYING CASH

FOR EVERYTHING."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ON THIS POINT, AT THIS JUNCTURE

OF THE EVENING...

I'M A JACKASS.

AND, FREQUENTLY, I GET MYSELF

IN A SITUATIONS WHERE I SAY

SOMETHING STUPID AND THERE

IS A PROBLEM.

AND ANYWAY, AH...

TWO WEEKS AGO WEDNESDAY,

I WAS IN THIS LAUNDRY MAT--

AND I'M NOT TRYING TO MAKE

EXCUSES--

BUT IT WAS THE MIDDLE OF THE

DAY.

IT WAS VERY HOT OUT.

THE LAUNDRY MAT WAS VERY

CROWDED.

AND I WAS ADMITTINGLY A LITTLE

IRRITABLE GOING INTO THIS

SITUATION.

AND I'M GOING TO TAKE A LOAD

OF MY CLOTHES OUT OF THE WASHER

TO PUT THEM INTO THE DRYER.

AND I NOTICED IT SOMEHOW,

A PAIR OF MY RED UNDERWEAR

HAD GOT MIXED INTO A LOAD OF MY

WHITE CLOTHING AND HAD PINKED UP

THE WHOLE LOAD.

AND I LOST IT.

AND I STARTED SCREAMING AT

EVERYBODY IN THAT LAUNDRY MAT

THAT WOULD LISTEN TO ME.

"THESE (BLEEP) DAMN COLOREDES!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WHITES DON'T DO THIS.

EVEN IF A WHITE DOES GET MIXED

IN WITH A BUNCH OF (BLEEP) DAMN

COLOREDS, IT DOESN'T WHITE UP

THE WHOLE LOAD.

NO.

IT SUFFERS UNDER THE INFLUENCE

OF THE COLOREDS.

IT BECOMES A COLORED ITSELF!

A PERFECTLY GOOD WHITE RUINED

BY THESE (BLEEP) DAMN COLOREDS!

(LAUGHTER)

I WAS PERMANENTLY REMOVED FROM

"LAUNDERLAND".

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND I RECEIVED A SAVAGE BEATING

IN THE PARKING LOT.

IN FACT, THEY KNOCKED MY CHIN

OFF.

THANKS, YOU GUYS.

THIS IS A--

YEAH, I'M JEWISH.

WHAT?!

WHA-HAT?!

I WILL BEAT YOU DOWN WITH A

YAMIKA--

ON.

BRING IT.

YOU DON'T KNOW ME, SON.

YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

WHAT?!

YOU CAN'T MESS WITH ME!

YOU DO NOT KNOW ME.

I WAS BORN AND RAISED ON THE

UPPER WEST SIDE.

I HAVE FOUR DOORMEN ON ONE

BLOCK.

AND I STILL LIVE AT HOME

WITH MY MOM.

(LAUGHTER)

LOSER!

BUT I'M NOT STUPID, YOU KNOW.

NOW THAT I'M AN ADULT, I TELL

THE LADIES I LET MY MOM STAY

WITH ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I LOVE HER, MAN.

MY ITALIAN FRIENDS MAKE FUN OF

ME BECAUSE I AM A JEWISH ADULT

LIVING AT HOME WITH MY MOM.

THEY SAY IT'S ONLY COOL TO BE

ITALIAN AND LIVE AT HOME WITH

YOUR MOM.

(LAUGHTER)

MY ITALIAN FRIENDS ARE FUNNY.

'CAUSE THEY THINK THEY'RE

THE TOUGHEST GUYS IN THE WORLD.

RIGHT, ITALIANS?

NOBODY'S TOUGHER THAN ITALIANS.

(CHEERING)

YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?

ALWAYS MAKING NOISE.

THEY THINK THEY'RE THE TOUGHEST

GUYS IN THE WORLD.

MEANWHILE, THEY WALK LIKE BALLET

DANCERS.

YOU EVER SEE ITALIANS WALK

AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD?

"HEY.

HEY."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YORK, FOR REAL, BEING RAISED

HERE ARE THE PERTO RICA WOMEN.

(CHEERING)

THAT'S MY FAVORITE THING, MAN.

YOU GUYS STARTED TALKING TO ME

WHEN I HIT 13.

I REMEMBER THE LAST RUDE THING

A PERTO RICAN GIRL SAID TO ME

WHEN I WAS 13--

I TRIED TO MAKE MY MOVE ON HER

IN JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL--

WHENEVER I TALK TO PERTO RICAN

WOMEN I THOUGHT I WAS PERTO

RICAN.

EVERYTHING ABOUT ME.

EVEN THE WALK.

AND THEY HAVE THAT REAL RELAXED

BOP.

I CALL IT THE "ON CRUTCHES" BOP.

EVERY STEP, THEY LOOK LIKE

THEY'RE ON CRUTCHES.

RIGHT?

EVERY STEP IS LIKE...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO I WALK UP TO HER...

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

(PERTO RICAN ACCENT) "YO, WHAT'S

UP, LOVE, LOVE?

HOW YOU DOING, BEAUTIFUL?

DANG.

YOUR MOM DID A GOOD JOB.

SO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO?

YOU WANT TO SEE A MOVIE?

WHAT?

WHY, YOU WANT TO GO PLAY SOME

VIDEO GAMES?

YOU WANT TO GET SOME COKE

AND THE ICIES.

WHAT YOU WANT TO DO?

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU."

THAT DID NOT WORK.

(APPLAUSE)

THAT DID NOT WORK.

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

THAT DID NOT WORK.

OF COURSE, SHE REPLIES "PSST.

WHAT?

NO, NO, NO, NO.

WHAT?

OH, WHAT?

WHITE BOY CRAZY.

MELISSA, YOU SEE THAT?

YOU MIGHT BE LOCO IF YOU THINK

YOU'RE GONNA GET WITH THIS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S LIKE...

"I'M SORRY.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO THROW

A LITTLE RAP.

SORRY."

"OKAY.

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO BE RUDE LIKE

THAT...

BUT YOU NEED TO KNOW, I DON'T

NEED A BLACK MAN, PERTO RICAN

MEN AND BREAK DANCERS."

AND BREAK DANCERS?

THIS WAS THE EARLY '80s.

I DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO SAY

TO THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO SAY

TO THAT?

I HAVE TO SAY...

(APPLAUSE)

ONE!

THAT'S MY TIME.

(CHEERING)

AW!

WE ARE CRAZY.

WE ARE CRAZY.

NOT ONLY IT'S THE BEST CITY

IN THE WORLD, IT'S ALSO THE SCAM

CAPITAL OF THE WORLD.

THE SCAM CAPITAL OF THE WORLD.

(LAUGHTER)

"SCAM CAPITAL".

I GOT HERE LAST WEEK.

GOT HERE LAST WEEK.

I GOT BACK LAST WEEK.

RAN INTO A GUY IN THE SUBWAY.

HE SAID "HEY, MAN.

YOU WANT TO BUY SOME TICKETS

TO THE CIRCUS?"

I'M SAYING TO MYSELF, "HEY,

HEY."

YOU KNOW.

TICKETS TO THE CIRCUS.

I SAID, "MAN.

ARE THESE TICKETS LEGIT?

ARE THESE TICKETS LEGIT?

'CAUSE THIS IS A PISTOL.

ARE THESE TICKETS LEGIT?

AND YOU SPELL "CIRCUS" WITH A

"K".

IS THIS LEGIT?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S CRAZY WHEREVER YOU GO.

I DON'T CARE WHERE YOU GO,

IT'S CRAZY, MAN.

I WAS DOWN IN TENNESSEE--

I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW ABOUT

TENNESSEE--

YOUR CAR BREAKS DOWN IN

TENNESSEE, YOU HAVE JUST MOVED

TO TENNESSEE.

(LAUGHTER)

NOBODY KNOWS NOTHING ANYMORE.

YOU EVER GET LOST DRIVING

YOUR CAR AND ASKED SOMEBODY

HOW TO GET SOMEWHERE?

YOU COULD LOOK RIGHT AT THEIR

FACE AND TELL THEY DON'T KNOW

NOTHIN'.

THE FACE TELLS THE WHOLE DAMN

STORY.

YOU COULD BE DRIVING YOUR CAR

LOST AND ASK SOMEBODY HOW TO GET

SOMEWHERE AND YOU CAN TELL

THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL

THEIR TALKING ABOUT BY THE DAMN

FACE.

IT'S THE SAME FACE EVERY CITY

YOU GO TO.

YOU DRIVING YOUR CAR...

(IMITATING MOTOR RUNNING)

(BREAKS SCREECHING)

"HEY, MY MAN.

I'M TRYING TO FIND THOMPSON ST.

YEAH.

I'M TRYING TO FIND THOMPSON ST.

I'M TRYING TO FIND THOMPSON ST.

YEAH, THOMPSON ST."

THE GUY TURNS AROUND...

THE SAME DAMN FACE.

"AH!"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"YOU SAID "THOMPSON" OR

"TOM SON?"

"WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IS, AH"...

"WAIT A MINUTE.

DON'T DRIVE WHILE I'M TALKING

TO YOU.

AH.

WAIT A MINUTE NOW.

"I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU OUT,

BROTHER."

"WAIT.

YOU ON MY LEG.

THE TIRES ON MY LEG."

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT.

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT, MAN.

I SAID "THE NEXT PERSON I SEE

BETTER KNOW SOMETHING."

I SEEN AN OLD MAN...

OLD PEOPLE AIN'T GOT NO

TIME FOR THAT.

"I'M MAD AS HELL."

(IMITATING BREAKS SCREECHING)

"HEY, YOU OLD ASS MAN!

HEY, OLD ASS MAN!

I'M TRYING TO FIND THOMPSON ST.

YOU OLD BASTARD!"

(LAUGHTER)

THE OLD MAN TURNED AROUND,

HE SAYS "WHOA.

WAIT A MINUTE NOW.

(LAUGHTER)

AH, LOOK HERE, YOUNG FELLOW.

I'M GONNA HELP YOU GET WHERE

YOU GOT TO GO.

NOW LOOK HERE.

YOU GO DOWN HERE.

YOU HEAR ME?

YOU GO RIGHT HERE.

YOU MAKE A LEFT...

YOU MAKE ANOTHER LEFT.

YOU MAKE ANOTHER LEFT.

YOU MAKE ANOTHER LEFT.

WHEN YOU GET BACK HERE,

YOU ASK FOR THE RIGHT WAY."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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