Kirchberger, Etheridge, Andors, Smoove

  • Season 5, Ep 511
  • 12/21/2001

Eric Kirchberger gets mistaken for an assistant manager, Brian Keith Etheridge admits he's a jackass, Jason Andors describes life with his mom, and JB Smoove needs directions.

DON'T WE?

DO WE HAVE SOME COUPLES

IN THE HOUSE?

(CHEERS)

I WAS KIND OF SCARED FOR A

MINUTE.

I SEE YOU.

I SEE YOU.

IT'S WEIRD WHEN YOU LOOK AT

COUPLES.

YOU KNOW, MEN AND WOMEN.

MEN AND WOMEN ARE SO DIFFERENT.

THERE WAS A SURVEY THAT SAID

THAT 35% OF YOUNG WOMEN IN

AMERICA ARE AFRAID TO HAVE

AN ORGASM IN FRONT OF THEIR

BOYFRIENDS.

(LAUGHTER)

BECAUSE THEY'RE AFRAID THAT THEY

MAY FART.

(LAUGHTER)

SEE?

THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

MEN AND WOMEN.

THIS IS A REAL SURVEY.

I'M NOT MAKING IT UP.

(LAUGHTER)

SEE, FOR MEN THERE IS NOTHING

YOU CAN TELL US THAT--

I MEAN, IF YOU TOLD MEN EVERY

TIME WE HAD AN ORGASM WE'D

TAKE A DUMP IN OUR PANTS.

YOU SEE MEN GOING...

"SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?"

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING)

AW!

WE ARE CRAZY.

WE ARE CRAZY.

NOT ONLY IT'S THE BEST CITY

IN THE WORLD, IT'S ALSO THE SCAM

CAPITAL OF THE WORLD.

THE SCAM CAPITAL OF THE WORLD.

(LAUGHTER)

"SCAM CAPITAL".

I GOT HERE LAST WEEK.

GOT HERE LAST WEEK.

I GOT BACK LAST WEEK.

RAN INTO A GUY IN THE SUBWAY.

HE SAID "HEY, MAN.

YOU WANT TO BUY SOME TICKETS

TO THE CIRCUS?"

I'M SAYING TO MYSELF, "HEY,

HEY."

YOU KNOW.

TICKETS TO THE CIRCUS.

I SAID, "MAN.

ARE THESE TICKETS LEGIT?

ARE THESE TICKETS LEGIT?

'CAUSE THIS IS A PISTOL.

ARE THESE TICKETS LEGIT?

AND YOU SPELL "CIRCUS" WITH A

"K".

IS THIS LEGIT?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S CRAZY WHEREVER YOU GO.

I DON'T CARE WHERE YOU GO,

IT'S CRAZY, MAN.

I WAS DOWN IN TENNESSEE--

I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW ABOUT

TENNESSEE--

YOUR CAR BREAKS DOWN IN

TENNESSEE, YOU HAVE JUST MOVED

TO TENNESSEE.

(LAUGHTER)

NOBODY KNOWS NOTHING ANYMORE.

YOU EVER GET LOST DRIVING

YOUR CAR AND ASKED SOMEBODY

HOW TO GET SOMEWHERE?

YOU COULD LOOK RIGHT AT THEIR

FACE AND TELL THEY DON'T KNOW

NOTHIN'.

THE FACE TELLS THE WHOLE DAMN

STORY.

YOU COULD BE DRIVING YOUR CAR

LOST AND ASK SOMEBODY HOW TO GET

SOMEWHERE AND YOU CAN TELL

THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL

THEIR TALKING ABOUT BY THE DAMN

FACE.

IT'S THE SAME FACE EVERY CITY

YOU GO TO.

YOU DRIVING YOUR CAR...

(IMITATING MOTOR RUNNING)

(BREAKS SCREECHING)

"HEY, MY MAN.

I'M TRYING TO FIND THOMPSON ST.

YEAH.

I'M TRYING TO FIND THOMPSON ST.

I'M TRYING TO FIND THOMPSON ST.

YEAH, THOMPSON ST."

THE GUY TURNS AROUND...

THE SAME DAMN FACE.

"AH!"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"YOU SAID "THOMPSON" OR

"TOM SON?"

"WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IS, AH"...

"WAIT A MINUTE.

DON'T DRIVE WHILE I'M TALKING

TO YOU.

AH.

WAIT A MINUTE NOW.

"I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU OUT,

BROTHER."

"WAIT.

YOU ON MY LEG.

THE TIRES ON MY LEG."

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT.

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT, MAN.

I SAID "THE NEXT PERSON I SEE

BETTER KNOW SOMETHING."

I SEEN AN OLD MAN...

OLD PEOPLE AIN'T GOT NO

TIME FOR THAT.

"I'M MAD AS HELL."

(IMITATING BREAKS SCREECHING)

"HEY, YOU OLD ASS MAN!

HEY, OLD ASS MAN!

I'M TRYING TO FIND THOMPSON ST.

YOU OLD BASTARD!"

(LAUGHTER)

THE OLD MAN TURNED AROUND,

HE SAYS "WHOA.

WAIT A MINUTE NOW.

(LAUGHTER)

AH, LOOK HERE, YOUNG FELLOW.

I'M GONNA HELP YOU GET WHERE

YOU GOT TO GO.

NOW LOOK HERE.

YOU GO DOWN HERE.

YOU HEAR ME?

YOU GO RIGHT HERE.

YOU MAKE A LEFT...

YOU MAKE ANOTHER LEFT.

YOU MAKE ANOTHER LEFT.

YOU MAKE ANOTHER LEFT.

WHEN YOU GET BACK HERE,

YOU ASK FOR THE RIGHT WAY."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)