Nice to be here.
Sounds like you'rein a great mood.
This is has not been agreat day for me, folks.
I lost my hair today.
I had a bad habit offlipping my head back
to keep the hair out of myeyes-- one time too many.
But it's nice to be here.
I had dinner tonightwith my father.
I made a classic Freudian slip.
I meant to say, can youpass me the salt please?
But it comes out, you creep.
You ruined my childhood.
Totally destroyed the moodof his birthday party.
81 years old, my dad.
That's got to be the tough one.
You wake up onemorning, and you're
above the recommendedage for Scrabble.
It's been a roughyear for the family.
My aunt passedaway two weeks ago.
And she was cremated.
So we think that's what did it.
Now I have to break the news tomy daughter-- seven years old,
the light of my life.
Kid has an incredibleimagination.
We were playing house.
She says to me,let's pretend you're
the daddy, only you have a job.
She's an only child.
The other day sheasked me why she
has no brothers and sisters.
I didn't want to getinto it, so I said, look,
you have an oldersister, but you're always
missing her byabout five minutes.
She said, hey, that's likemy other daddy you're always
just missing byabout five minutes.
My wife would liketo have another kid,
but I'm not sure thatit's right to bring
another child intosuch a crazy world.
You know what I'm talking about.
Last night, I'mtucking my daughter in.
She says to me, Daddy, Daddy,how can 400 children be killed?
Apparently she hadseen a commercial on TV
for a movie about theJonestown Massacre.
So I said, listen, honey.
Sometimes grownupsjoin religious cults,
and they give their childrenlethal doses of Kool-Aid.
Good night, sweetie.
She's doing OK.
She's a light sleeper.
Good kid, though.
I am a happily married guy.
It's true-- sorry, gals.
And well, they seemto be dealing with it.
And I'll tell you my secret.
My wife and I don'ttake each for granted.
That's the trick.
Every morning,for eight years, I
ask her how she takes a coffee.
It's a small thing,but it's annoying.
I have a good marriage, butlately, I think that my wife
has been fooling around, becauseour parrot keeps saying, give
it to me hard and fast beforemy husband John Katz comes home,
and yes, I'd love a cracker.
I don't know what itis about marriage.
I don't care how powerfulthe initial attraction.
At some point, thelust is replaced
by this incrediblelonging for sleep.
We're going throughthis, my wife and I.
We've read all the sex manuals.
Tried both positions, and--
You see, she insists on turningout the lights before we make
love, which does not bother me.
It's the hidingthat seems so cruel.
I'll tell you what's strange.
This is the truth.
The longer I'm married, the moreI'm losing my single instincts.
I was at a party inHollywood last month.
Beautiful blondestarlet comes up to me.
She says, my husband isaway for the weekend.
How about a lift home?
I said, if you knew hewas going to be away,
you should have madetravel arrangements."
This scares me.
I got into a very, verystrange mood before this show.
I'm sitting at the bar.
This big guy sits down nextto me-- a construction worker.
And we start talkingabout nuclear war.
I say to him, look, youhear the sirens go off.
The missiles are on their way.
You've got 20 minutes to live.
What are you going to do?
He said, I'm going to makeit with anything that moves.
He asked me whatI was going to do.
I said I'm going to tryand keep perfectly still.
Thank you very much.You've been a lot of fun.