Nice to be here.
Sounds like you'rein a great mood.
This is has not been agreat day for me, folks.
I lost my hair today.
I had a bad habit offlipping my head back
to keep the hair out of myeyes-- one time too many.
But it's nice to be here.
I had dinner tonightwith my father.
I made a classic Freudian slip.
I meant to say, can youpass me the salt please?
But it comes out, you creep.
You ruined my childhood.
Totally destroyed the moodof his birthday party.
81 years old, my dad.
That's got to be the tough one.
You wake up onemorning, and you're
above the recommendedage for Scrabble.
It's been a roughyear for the family.
My aunt passedaway two weeks ago.
And she was cremated.
So we think that's what did it.
Now I have to break the news tomy daughter-- seven years old,
the light of my life.
Kid has an incredibleimagination.
We were playing house.
She says to me,let's pretend you're
the daddy, only you have a job.
She's an only child.
The other day sheasked me why she
has no brothers and sisters.
I didn't want to getinto it, so I said, look,
you have an oldersister, but you're always
missing her byabout five minutes.
She said, hey, that's likemy other daddy you're always
just missing byabout five minutes.
My wife would liketo have another kid,
but I'm not sure thatit's right to bring
another child intosuch a crazy world.
You know what I'm talking about.
Last night, I'mtucking my daughter in.
She says to me, Daddy, Daddy,how can 400 children be killed?
Apparently she hadseen a commercial on TV
for a movie about theJonestown Massacre.
So I said, listen, honey.
Sometimes grownupsjoin religious cults,
and they give their childrenlethal doses of Kool-Aid.
Good night, sweetie.
She's doing OK.
She's a light sleeper.
Good kid, though.
I am a happily married guy.
It's true-- sorry, gals.
And well, they seemto be dealing with it.
And I'll tell you my secret.
My wife and I don'ttake each for granted.
That's the trick.
Every morning,for eight years, I
ask her how she takes a coffee.
It's a small thing,but it's annoying.
I have a good marriage, butlately, I think that my wife
has been fooling around, becauseour parrot keeps saying, give
it to me hard and fast beforemy husband John Katz comes home,
and yes, I'd love a cracker.
I don't know what itis about marriage.
I don't care how powerfulthe initial attraction.
At some point, thelust is replaced
by this incrediblelonging for sleep.
We're going throughthis, my wife and I.
We've read all the sex manuals.
Tried both positions, and--
You see, she insists on turningout the lights before we make
love, which does not bother me.
It's the hidingthat seems so cruel.
I'll tell you what's strange.
This is the truth.
The longer I'm married, the moreI'm losing my single instincts.
I was at a party inHollywood last month.
Beautiful blondestarlet comes up to me.
She says, my husband isaway for the weekend.
How about a lift home?
I said, if you knew hewas going to be away,
you should have madetravel arrangements."
This scares me.
I got into a very, verystrange mood before this show.
I'm sitting at the bar.
This big guy sits down nextto me-- a construction worker.
And we start talkingabout nuclear war.
I say to him, look, youhear the sirens go off.
The missiles are on their way.
You've got 20 minutes to live.
What are you going to do?
He said, I'm going to makeit with anything that moves.
He asked me whatI was going to do.
I said I'm going to tryand keep perfectly still.
Thank you very much.You've been a lot of fun.
You may be familiar withthat part of the country.
That's where all the huntingand fishing shows originate.
Oh darn, there's nothing moreexciting than a good fishing
show, is there?
No, especially now they havewomen hosting the shows.
(SOUTHERN ACCENT) Hi,I'm Francine McNett.
Welcome to anotheredition of Fish Tips.
Today we're talking about baits.
What do I use when Igo for the big one?
I use O'Dell's newvibrating baits.
Yes, if you wantto outwit a walleye
or outsmart a [inaudible] useO'Dell's new vibrating baits.
I use 'em partlybecause they work,
and partly becauseI like the way
they feel in my vest pocket.
Or for a change ofpace, try O'Dell's
new port-flavored baitswith real hog hair Whoo!
The fish love 'em.
And after a couple of six packs,I'll eat 'em right out the can,
You know, I loveliving in Los Angeles.
I do live here now.
Well, you know what it is?
You get to see celebritiesright on the street.
Is that the coolest thing?
Just the other day,I saw my favorite TV
personality, theMJB coffee lady.
You know you've seen her on TV.
She's that big burly womanthat sits up in the mountains,
crouched over that campfire,drinking that coffee.
She says, up herein the mountains,
all we drink is MJB coffee.
That's a good cup of coffee.
See that cabin?
I built that cabin.
See those eight boys?
I had those eight boys.
This coffee's sostrong and rich,
I didn't need a husbandto have those eight boys.
Coffee's the drinkthese days, isn't it?
It's like nobody'sdrinking alcohol anymore.
You know why?
Because we have littleSpuds McKenzie the beer dog
to teach us how todrink responsibly.
Know when to say when.
That's what Spuds tells us.
You know, I havereally tried hard
to understand the appealof that little dog.
They dress the poor thingup in suits and tuxedos,
and women in bikinisdance around the dog.
Beautiful women on ayacht get all excited
because Spuds is gettingon the out with us.
You know, I was thinkingas a single person,
I think I can admit sometimespickings can be pretty slim.
But really, howmuch beer would you
have to drink before youdate out of your own species?
Call me old fashioned, but I'mgoing to cling to the belief
that "human" is animportant dating criteria.
There's also Martha Stewart.
You may have seen her.
She says, Hi.
I'm Martha Stewart, professionalparty planner for K-Mart.
Apparently no one has tippedMartha off to the fact
that the average K-Mart shoppercan pretty much fill all
their party needs at the FritoLay display at the 7-Eleven.
[laughter and applause]
(SOUTHERN DRAWL)Say, honey-- does
Cheetos go with light beer?
Let's ask Martha.
Hi, I'm Martha Stewart.
Look for my new book, "Beanor Picante-- the Dip Dilemma."
Well, I'm looking for ways tomake my life more exciting.
I think everybody is.
You know, that's why I wasreally excited to find out
that the Remington Company hasa new product on the market--
the new Remingtonvibrating razor.
Now, it's not a shaver.
It's a razor bladethat vibrates.
You'd have to be a realthrill-seeker to purchase
an item like that, wouldn't you?
Say you're tired ofthose minor league nicks
and cuts, and want areal shaving challenge,
then that vibratingrazor might be for you.
Comes with a year'ssupply of gauze
and your own in-home IV kit.
I think they should haveother products for people
who would buy a vibrating razor.
Say you're tired of thedull and danger-less
task of eyebrow plucking.
Well, then try the newRemington lunging tweezers.
Yes, instead of plucking,you could be ducking
with these excitablelittle guys.
You know, with all thepotential for personal injury,
really, that's out there there,I was really happy to find out
that the NationalRifle Association
is looking afterits new members.
According to theirnew commercial,
if you join the NRAright now for $20,
you receive-- absolutely free--a $10,000 accidental death
and dismembermentinsurance policy.
Say I don't hunt,but you never know
when you're goingto be dismembered.
I'm just wondering,what is next year's
commercial goingto have to be like?
(SOUTHERN DRAWL)Both my arms was
shot off in a hunting accident.
But thanks to theNRA, I've got 20,000
big ones in myright hand pocket.
[laughter and applause]
Maybe you could get that for me.
NRA, I salute you.
I'm going to give someadvice to the single people
in the audience, because I knowthey're probably a lot of you
out there, and this may saveyou some pain and some time.
This is it.
If you ever go out withsomeone who says this to you--
I don't know why I'mnot in a relationship.
I have so much love to give--you should just know that what
this really means is, I am theblack hole of emotional need
and will suck thelife out of you.
Good night, everybody.
And I'm not very good at that.
All I know is that I'msupposed to make eye contact,
which is easy, but for how long?
You know, a fine lineseparates eye contact
from the piercingstare of a psychopath.
You know, I want to lookconfident, not maniacal.
I feel awkward a lotof social situations.
I'm always afraid that I havebad breath, or something.
I find myself doing thisto smell my breath, which
is stupid, becauseI don't know if it's
my breath or myhand that stinks.
I'm already lookingforward to football season.
I like football games.
[cheering and applause]
I don't like interviewsafter the games,
though, because the winningplayers always give credit
to God while the losersblame themselves.
You know, just once I'dlike to hear a player say,
Yeah, we were in the gameuntil Jesus made me fumble.
He hates our team.
All athletes dothis-- even boxers
thank God for their triumphs.
Oh yeah, without Jesus,I couldn't have crushed
my opponent's skull tonightand rendered him brain dead.
Last week I had to takemy cat in to the vet.
He had been limping.
Vet says he has a bad knee.
I didn't even knowcats had knees.
They might not.
I know nothing aboutthe feline anatomy.
If the vet told me thecat needed new batteries,
I couldn't argue.
I'm ignorant-- I'm atthe mercy of the vet.
The only negotiating tool Ihave is that kittens are free.
And if the vet triesto charge me too much,
I can show him the want ads.
Look, I can get anew one for nothing.
I mean, let's face it.
High vet bills make itdifficult to respect
the sanctity of life.
I mean, Fluffy might be cute,and you might love Fluffy,
but Fluffy is not gettinga liver transplant.
You know, there are nodonor lists for kitty cats.
Always on ourconscience, though,
when we put our pets to sleep.
That's why we saythings like, we
decided to put Fluffyout of his misery.
What you decidedwas that Fluffy's
company isn't worth $500.
I shouldn't worry, though.
You know what they say-- there'ssomeone out there for everyone.
That's fine, butwhat if my someone is
a lesbian who lives in Pakistan?
Yeah, I would have to find her.
Some men think that theycan convert gay women,
make them straight.
I couldn't do that.
I could make a straightwoman gay, though.
I've got that going for me.
I had a bad experiencea while back.
I dated a womanwho was divorced.
We went to a friend's wedding.
Don't ever do that--don't ever attend
a wedding with adivorced person.
It's like taking areformed drug addict
to a Grateful Dead concert.
A lot of twitchingand fist-clenching
throughout the ceremony.
It's always hardbreaking up, though.
I hate those talks you havewhen a relationship ends.
One woman broke up with me andtold me I was too insecure.
I thought, great, andthis is going to help.
I feel a lot betterabout myself now.
I read somethingdisturbing the other day.
I read that I'm overthe hill sexually.
Well, I'm not sureif I buy that.
I don't remember having asexual peak when I was 18.
I just rememberapologizing a lot.
I had good dreams,though, when I was 18.
Boy, I really didn't need dates.
You know, real womencouldn't compare
to the extraterrestrial nymphsthat adorned my dreamscape.
Oh yeah, Jen was all right,but she only had two breasts.
She was nothing likeFrega from Lovetron.
I'm a little nice sexually.
I didn't lose my virginityuntil I was 18 years old.
AUDIENCE: Oh, no.
-Think that's because--I think that's because I
was born by Cesarean section.
I really didn't havea frame of reference.
I've never solicited theservices of a prostitute.
I don't see how men can do it.
I have a hard time asking forextra bread at a restaurant.
It's amazing that men andwomen even get together at all.
You know, we're so different.
Our brains are even different.
You know, womenare left-brained.
Men are right-brained,more analytical.
That's why we're incapableof providing women
with the romanticdialogue they so desire.
Women should have telepromptersmounted on their foreheads.
You know, that way we could readwhatever they wanted us to say.
[applause and cheering]
You can still almost make eyecontact and appear sincere.
Without you my lifehas no meaning.
I am like a beewithout a flower.
Je t-- I'm sorry, Idon't speak French.
That's scary, telling awoman that you love her.
Especially for the firsttime, because you don't
know how she's going to respond.
She might say, well, I thinkyou're pretty special too.
[laughter and booing]
I didn't say anythingabout being special.
I said I love you.
I know, and I love you,but in a different way.
My love for you isthe kind of love
that disappears as soonas you leave this room.
Thank you very much, folks.