Wednesday, April 9, 2014

  • 04/09/2014

Ali Wong, Ron Funches and Guy Branum list #GeekyPorn titles, advertise pieces of nightmare taxidermy and come up with awful how-to videos for YouTube.

RIPPDED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: THE INTERNET WENT

CRAZY YESTERDAY WHEN NINTENDOANNOUNCED VIA ITS YOUTUBE

CHANNEL THE NEW CHARACTERSCOMING TO THE NEW SUPER SMASH

BROTHERS GAME.

I KNOW, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHODON'T KNOW, SMASH BROTHERS IS A

FRANCHISE WHERE VIDEO GAMECHARACTERS FROM DIFFERENT

UNIVERSES FACE-OFF IN BATTLE.

LIKE FOR EXAMPLE LINK FROM ZELDACAN FIGHT BOWSER, THERE IS ZERO

SUIT SAM MUSS AND YOSHI AND FORTHE FIRST TIME THE POKEMON

CHARIZARD IS A PLAYABLECHARACTER! AND YOU CAN MAKE HIM

FIGHT OTHER CHARACTERS! HERE ISMY LUNCH MONEY.

>> THANKS, PUSSY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: I KNEW IT WAS ONLY

A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE I WOULDPICK UP A BULLY HERE ON

@MIDNIGHT TALKING ABOUT ALL THENERD (BLEEP).

>> COMEDIANS, NAME CHARACTERSFROM REAL LIFE YOU WOULD LIKE TO

SEE FIGHTING IN THE FINISHEDGAME, ALI WONG.

>> OPRAH VERSUS THE 18-25MALE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> Chris: RON FUNCHES.

>> I WANT TO SEE THE EPIC BATTLEOF BIGGY SMALL VERSUS TUPAC

SHAKUR.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> ZAC EPHRON VERSUS MY DICK.

>> MY DICK HAS ANAMAZING FINISHING MOVE.

>> Chris: IT SOUNDS LIKE -- OH!SNORT! SNORT!

OH! POINTS! 100 POINTS.

ACCORDING TO IO9.COM, THE TEAMBEHIND PORN PARODY "GAME OF

>> BONES" HAVE HAND RELEASED THETRAILER FOR THEIR

LATEST INSTALLMENT. WHAT IS NAMEOF THEIR LATEST FANTASY PORN

SPOOF? A, THE FINGER GAMES, B,THE KNOBBIT, [SNORT]

I DON'T KNOW WHO TO GIVE POINTSTO.

I GUESS THE PORN PEOPLE.

OR, C, THE DARK FISTAL.

>> GUY.

>> I AM GOING TO SAY THEKNOBBIT, IT IS A LITTLE UNFAIR I

HAVE SEEN IT.

A BIG PROBLEM WITH THE PORN THEYHAVE TO STOP EVERY COUPLE OF

MINUTES TO SING A SONG INKNOBBISH.

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWERIS KNOBBIT.

>> BUT WAIT, I WOULD NOT SHOWYOU THESE THINGS WITH MERE WORDS

ALONE, YOUNG HOBBIT.

HERE, ENJOY THIS VIDEOPRESENTATION.

>> IT IS GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN,DILDO.

GANDALF, I AM LOOKING TO GO ONAN ADVENTURE WITH SOMEONE.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: THE HOBBIT PORN

PARODY, THE KNOBBIT, IS SURE TOBE A SUCCESS. SO WE WANT TO GET

IN ON THE STICKY GROUND FLOOR SOTONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS GEEKY PORN,

GEEKY PORN, OH! EXAMPLESMIGHT BE DEEP SPACE NINE INCHES

OR SCROTAL RECALL, THEFINGER GAMES, OR THE PHANTOM

MAN-ASS, ANYTHING YOU CAN SAY TOMAKE THE AUDIENCE LAST

QUALIFIES.

>> REAR ENDERS GAME.

>> Chris: YES! AND ON THATNOTE, (BLEEP) YOU ORSON SCOTT

CARD!

>> ALI WONG.

>> INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLEOF POON.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RON.

>> DR. WHO IS THAT IN MY BUTT?

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: WHY IS IT BIGGER ON

THE INSIDE? POINTS.

GUY BRANUM.

>> TRIPLE "X-MEN"'S FIRST ASS.

>> Chris: NICE.

>> FAHRENHEIT 69.

>> Chris: POINTS.

GUY.

>> MY DICK, THE GATHERING.

>> IT STARS ZAC EFRON.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS FORTHAT.

>> LORD OF THE (BLEEP) RING.

>> Chris: YES.

POINT.

ALI.

>> THE SCIENCE GUY ON GUY.

>> Chris: THIS GUY.

>> ON GUY BRANUM.

>> Chris: RON FUNCHES.

>> MEN IN BLACK MEN IN BLACKMEN.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> THESE ARE SO META.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> DR. REALLY STRANGE LOVE.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

YOU GOT A SNORT.

200-POINT.

STAR WARS, BUT WITH (BLEEP).

TAXIDERPY.

TAXIDERPY.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: THE INTERNET HAS A

LOT OF BIZARRE CORNERS ANDPEOPLE SELL STUFF THERE BUT

NOTHING IS MORE NIGHTMAREINDUCING THAN CREEPY TAXIDERMY.

COMEDIANS I WANT YOU TO WRITE ALISTING TO HELP SELL EACH OF

THESE TAX DETERMINE MID ITEMS WEFOUND ONLINE.

>> THE FIRST ONE IS ANACTUAL CAT-SKIN RUG.

>> YES, GUY.

>> EACH TIME YOU WALK ACROSS ITYOU WILL BE CRUSHING PUSSY.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

POINTS.

>> Chris: YES.

RON.

>> HERE IS ONE PUSSY YOU DON'TWANT TO GET WET.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> IT'S GONNA NOT SMELL GOOD.

>> YOU GUYS PLAY CHESS,RIGHT? DO YOU LIKE TO PLAY

CHESS?

WELL HERE IS WHERE A REAL MICECHESS YOU CAN PLAY WITH ACTUAL

MICE.

>> RON FUNCHES.

>> DO YOU HAVE A FRIEND THATHATES RELIGION BUT LOVES STEWART

LITTLE?

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> I'M REALLY OFFENDED THAT THECATHOLIC CHURCH WON'T

ORDAIN WOMEN, BUT WILL ORDAINMICE.

>> Chris: HOW ABOUT THISPERSONABLE BOBCAT?

>> JUST WAITING TO BECOME AMEME.

>> HEY, GUYS.

>> I FEEL LIKE, I FEEL LIKE THATIS THE BOBCAT THAT REPRESENTS

THE PERSON THAT EVERYONE ELSE ISTRYING TO SHAKE AT A PARTY.

IT IS LIKE, WE HAVE TO HANG OUTLATER.

>> HE'S A SOCIAL PREDATOR. YES,RON.

>> FREE TO GOOD HOME, ONE CAT,SUPER NEUTERED.

>> THAT IS SO NEUTERED ITDOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING BELOW THE

NECK.

POINTS FOR RON FUNCHES.

NEXT ONE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS IS.

I AM NOT SURE WHAT THAT IS.

>> LIKE A GRIZZLY BEAR SHOVED AGERBIL IN ITS ASS AND THAT CAME

OUT.

RON FUNCHES BUZZED IN FIRST.

>> ONE REPLICA OF RON FUNCHESANATOMICALLY CORRECT.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: THAT'S ANATOMICALLY

CORRECT?

>> YES.

THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS IF I EATAFTER MIDNIGHT.

>> Chris: I MEAN IT IS ALLWHEEL, NO CAR, YOU KNOW THAT,

RIGHT?

>> OH THERE IS A DICK IN THERE.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN, RON FUNCHES'S TiNDERPROFILE BIO

>> THERE IS A DICK IN THERE.

GAY BAR OR 19TH CENTURY

INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX.

>> Chris: OUT.COM, THE SOURCEFOR ALL

THINGS GAY COMPILED A LIST OFTHE WITH HUNDRED OF THE GREATEST

GAY BARS.

I AM GOING TO NAME A REALESTABLISHMENT AND YOU HAVE TELL

ME WHETHER IT IS A GAY BARLISTED ON OUT OR A BUSINESS FROM

THE 19TH CENTURY.

THE FIRST ONE.

THE MADISON FUDGE FACTORY.

GAY BAR OR 19TH CENTURYINDUSTRIAL COMPLEX, RON FUNCHES.

>>>> I LIKE THIS PLACE.

I WANT TO SAY THAT THIS IS A GAYBAR.

>> Chris: NO.

IT IS ACTUALLY A 19TH CENTURYINDUSTRIAL COMPLEX.

IT IS AN ACTUAL FACTORY.

I AM HAPPY ABOUT THIS.

>> Chris: WAIT HERE IS THEBEST PART.

YOU CAN STAY OVERNIGHT, GUESTSUITE!

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: SO I GUESS

TECHNICALLY IT COULD BE GAY.

I DON'T KNOW.

NEXT ONE.

THE TRIANGLE SHIRTWAIST COMPANY,GAY BAR OR 19TH CENTURY

INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX.

>> THAT IS A 19TH CENTURYINDUSTRIAL FACTORY WHERE A BUNCH

OF JEWISH LADIES DIED.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

YES! YOU ARE RIGHT! GOOD CALL.

>> THIS IS UNFAIR BECAUSE GUY ISBOTH GAY AND HE HAS A LAW

DEGREE.

>> Chris: GUY IS GAY AND 19THCENTURY.

NEXT ONE. THE ALBANYWATERWORKS, GAY BAR OR 19TH

CENTURY INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX, RON.

>> OH THAT IS AN OLD WATER PARKI USED TO GO TO THAT IS NOW A

GAY BAR.

>> Chris: IT IS IN FACT A GAYBAR.

HOW NOT TO, HOW NOT TO.

IF YOU ARE LACKINGAN ESSENTIAL LIFE SKILL, YOUTUBE

WILL TEACH YOU WHAT YOURABSENTEE FATHER NEVER COULD.

IT'S GOT HOW TO VIDEOS ONEVERYTHING FROM TYING A BOW TIE

TO SWEARING IN A FOREIGN.

COMEDIANS HIT ME WITH SOMEYOUTUBE HOW TOES YOU WILL NEVER

SEE ON THE NET.

>> HOW TO USE YOUTUBE COMMENTSAS USEFUL WAYS TO COMMUNICATE.

>> 100 POINTS.

>> GUY.

>> HOW TO ANNOUNCE YOUR DIVORCEFROM THAT GUY FROM COLDPLAY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RON.

>> HOW TO TATTOO YOUR BABY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

GUY BRANUM.

>> HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN TEN DAYSBY MAKING HIM WATCH HOW TO LOSE

A GUY IN TEN DAYS.

>> Chris: POINT.

SNORT.

POINTS.

>> HOW TO EAT YOURSELF TO SLEEP.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALI.

>> HOW TO FALL IN LOVE WITHMUSICIANS, SKATERS AND OTHER MEN

THAT WILL ENSURE THAT YOU WAKEUP ON A MATTRESS IN THE KITCHEN.

>> Chris: POINTS AND SNORT!

TWO SECONDS LEFT, ANYONE ELSE,GUY?

>> ANOTHER INOFFENSIVE WHITE GUYTO HOST A LATE NIGHT SHOW

>> Chris: WAIT A MINUTE.

POINTS, GUY BRANUM.

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