Wednesday, April 9, 2014

  • 04/09/2014

Ali Wong, Ron Funches and Guy Branum list #GeekyPorn titles, advertise pieces of nightmare taxidermy and come up with awful how-to videos for YouTube.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES, RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THE INTERNET WENT CRAZY

YESTERDAY WHEN NINTENDO

ANNOUNCED VIA ITS YOUTUBE

CHANNEL THE NEW CHARACTERS

COMING TO THE NEW SUPER SMASH

BROTHERS GAME.

FOR THOSE OF YOU... I KNOW.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW,

SMASH BROTHERS IS A POPULAR

FRANCHISE WHERE VIDEO GAME

CHARACTERS FROM DIFFERENT

UNIVERSES FACE OFF IN A BATTLE

ALL AT ONCE.

SO, LIKE, LINK FROM ZELDA CAN

FIGHT BOWSER, AND THEN THERE'S

NEW CHARACTERS.

THERE'S ZERO SUIT SAMUS AND

YOSHI, AND FOR THE FIRST TIME

THE POKEMON CHARIZARD IS A

PLAYABLE CHARACTER!

YOU CAN TOTALLY PLAY AS

CHARIZARD, AND YOU CAN MAKE HIM

FIGHT OTHER CHARACTERS!

HERE'S MY LUNCH MONEY, JESSE.

>> THANKS, PUSSY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: I KNEW IT WAS ONLY A

MATTER OF TIME BEFORE I'D PICK

UP A BULLY HERE ON @MIDNIGHT,

TALKING ABOUT ALL THE NERD

(BLEEP).

DAMN IT.

ANYWAY, COMEDIANS, GIVE US SOME

CHARACTERS FROM REAL LIFE THAT

YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE FIGHTING

IN THE FINISHED GAME.

ALI WONG?

>> OPRAH VERSUS THE 18-25 MALE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

RON FUNCHES.

>> I WANT TO SEE THE EPIC BATTLE

OF BIGGIE SMALLS VERSUS TUPAC

SHAKUR.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: POINTS.

GUY BRANUM?

>> ZACH EPHRON VERSUS MY DICK.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

MY DICK HAS AN AMAZING FINISHING

MOVE.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: IT SOUNDS LIKE... OH!

SNORT, SNORT!

100 POINTS TO GUY BRANUM!

100 SNORTS.

ALL RIGHT.

ACCORDING TO io9.COM, THE

CREATIVE TEAM BEHIND THE PORN

SPOOFS GAME OF BONES AND BUFFY

THE VAMPIRE SLAYER XXX HAVE

HAND RELEASED THE TRAILER FOR

THEIR LATER INSTALLMENT.

WHAT IS NAME OF THEIR LATEST

FANTASY PORN SPOOF?

IS IT:

I DON'T KNOW WHO TO GIVE POINTS

TO.

I GUESS THE PORN PEOPLE.

(LAUGHTER)

GUY?

>> I'M GOING TO SAY THE KNOBBIT.

IT'S A LITTLE UNFAIR.

I'VE SEEN IT.

THE BIG PROBLEM WITH THE PORN,

THEY HAVE TO STOP EVERY COUPLE

OF MINUTES TO SING A SONG IN

ELVISH.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWER IS

IN FACT THE KNOBBIT.

BUT WAIT, WAIT, WAIT WAIT!

WAIT, WAIT.

I WOULD NOT SHOW YOU THESE

THINGS WITH MERE WORDS ALONE,

YOUNG HOBBIT.

HERE-- ENJOY THIS VIDEO

PRESENTATION.

>> IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN,

DILDO.

>> GLANDALF, I AM LOOKING TO GO

ON AN ADVENTURE WITH SOMEONE.

>> I'M GOING TO SWALLOW YOU

WHOLE!

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: THE HOBBIT PORN PARODY

THE KNOBBIT IS SURE TO BE A

SUCCESS.

SO WE WANT TO GET IN ON THE

STICKY GROUND FLOOR.

SO TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS "GEEKY

PORN."

"GEEKY PORN."

WHOA!

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE "DEEP SPACE

NINE INCHES" OR "SCROTAL

RECALL."

(LAUGHTER)

OR "THE PHANTOM MAN-ASS."

ANYTHING IN THE GEEKSPHERE THAT

YOU CAN PORNIFY WILL QUALIFY FOR

THIS HASHTAG WAR.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK, AND GO!

GUY BRANUM?

>> REAR ENDERS GAME.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

YEAH!

AND ON THAT NOTE, (BLEEP ) YOU,

ORSON SCOTT CARD!

ALI WONG?

>> INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE

OF POON.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

RON?

>> DR. WHO'S THAT IN MY BUTT?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WHY IS IT BIGGER ON

THE INSIDE?

POINTS TO RON FUNCHES.

GUY BRANUM?

>> TRIPLE X-MEN FIRST ASS.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

OH, WOW, NICE.

NEXT, NEXT.

RON?

>> FAHRENHEIT 69.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

GUY?

>> MY DICK, THE GATHERING.

(LAUGHTER)

IT STARS ZACH EPHRON.

>> Chris: STARRING ZACH EFRON.

POINTS FOR THAT.

YES, POINTS.

RON FUNCHES?

>> LORD OF T HE (BLEEP) RING.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

ALI?

>> BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY ON

GUY.

>> Chris: ON THIS GUY?

>> ON GUY BRANUM.

>> Chris: NICE-- POINTS, POINTS.

RON FUNCHES?

>> MEN IN BLACK MEN IN BLACK

MEN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> THESE ARE SO META!

>> Chris: POINTS TO RON FUNCHES.

GUY?

>> DR. REALLY STRANGE LOVE.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

IT GOT A SNORT.

YOU GET 100 POINTS.

RON?

>> STAR WARS, BUT WI TH (BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER)

TAXIDERPY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THE INTERNET HAS A LOT OF WEIRD,

BIZARRE CORNERS, AND PEOPLE SELL

THINGS THERE.

BUT NOTHING IS MORE NIGHTMARE

INDUCING THAN CREEPY TAXIDERMY.

SO COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO

WRITE A LISTING TO HELP SELL

EACH OF THESE TAXIDERMIED ITEMS

WE FOUND ONLINE.

THIS FIRST ONE IS AN ACTUAL

CATSKIN RUG.

YES, GUY?

>> "EACH TIME YOU WALK ACROSS IT

YOU'LL BE CRUSHING PUSSY."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: YEAH, RON?

>> "HERE'S ONE PUSSY YOU DON'T

WANT TO GET WET."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> IT'S GOING TO NOT SMELL GOOD.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THANK YOU FOR

ELABORATING.

HEY, YOU GUYS LIKE CHESS, RIGHT?

YOU GUYS LIKE TO PLAY CHESS?

OH, GOOD.

WELL, HERE'S A REAL MOUSE

CHESS SET FOR YOU.

YOU CAN PLAY THAT WITH ACTUAL

MICE.

RON FUNCHES?

>> "DO YOU HAVE A FRIEND THAT

HATES RELIGION BUT LOVES STUART

LITTLE?"

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> I'M JUST REALLY OFFENDED THAT

THE CATHOLIC CHURCH STILL WON'T

ORDAIN WOMEN, BUT IT WILL ORDAIN

MICE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS, YEAH!

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE, NEXT ONE.

HOW ABOUT THIS PERSONABLE

BOBCAT?

(LAUGHTER)

THAT IS A... THAT IS AWAITING TO

BECOME A MEME.

(LAUGHTER)

"HEY, GUYS!"

(LAUGHTER)

I FEEL LIKE... I FEEL LIKE

THAT'S THE BOBCAT THAT

REPRESENTS THE PERSON THAT

EVERYONE ELSE IS TRYING TO SHAKE

AT A PARTY, BUT IS ALWAYS LIKE,

"OH, HEY, ARE WE GOING TO HANG

OUT LATER?"

(LAUGHTER)

THE SOCIAL PREDATOR.

YES, RON?

>> "FREE TO GOOD HOME, ONE CAT,

SUPER NEUTERED."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: "THIS CAT IS SO

NEUTERED IT DOESN'T HAVE

ANYTHING BELOW THE NECK."

POINTS TO RON FUNCHES.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

THIS ANI... I DON'T EVEN KNOW

WHAT THIS IS.

I'M NOT SURE WHAT THAT IS.

I DON'T KNOW.

THAT'S LIKE... I FEEL LIKE...

LIKE A GRIZZLY BEAR SHOVED A

GERBIL IN ITS ASS, AND THEN THAT

CAME OUT.

RON FUNCHES BUZZED IN FIRST.

>> "FOR SALE, ONE REPLICA OF RON

FUNCHES, ANATOMICALLY CORRECT."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THAT'S ANATOMICALLY

CORRECT?

>> YES.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS IF I EAT

AFTER MIDNIGHT.

>> Chris: YOU HAVE GREMLIN...

YOU HAVE MOGWAI BALLS?

>> YEAH.

>> Chris: I MEAN, IT'S ALL

WHEEL, NO CAR.

YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?

>> OH, THERE'S A DICK IN THERE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

RON FUNCHES' TINDER PROFILE

BIO.

"OH, THERE'S A DICK IN THERE."

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S THE END OF

COMPLEX.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> IT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR.

>> Chris: THE INTERNET SOURCE

FOR ALL THINGS GAY RECENTLY

COMPILED A LIST OF 200 OF THE

GREATEST GAY BARS IN THE WORLD.

AND SURPRISINGLY, SOME OF THESE

BARS HAVE REALLY CONFUSING NAMES

RIGHT OUT OF THE INDUSTRIAL AGE.

COMEDIANS, I AM GOING TO NAME A

REAL ESTABLISHMENT, AND YOU HAVE

TO TELL ME WHETHER IT'S A GAY

BAR LISTED ON OUT.COM, OR A

BUSINESS FROM THE 19TH CENTURY.

HERE'S THE FIRST ONE.

THE MADISON FUDGE FACTORY.

GAY BAR OR 19TH CENTURY

INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX?

RON FUNCHES?

(LAUGHTER)

>> I LIKE THIS PLACE.

I WANT TO SAY THAT THIS IS A GAY

BAR.

>> Chris: NO.

IT'S ACTUALLY A 19TH CENTURY

INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX.

IT'S AN ACTUAL FACTORY.

>> OH, ACTUALLY, I'M HAPPY ABOUT

THIS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WAIT, HERE'S THE BEST

PART, HERE'S THE BEST PART.

YOU CAN STAY OVERNIGHT-- GUEST

SUITES!

SO I GUESS TECHNICALLY IT COULD

BE GAY.

I DON'T KNOW.

NEXT ONE.

THE TRIANGLE SHIRTWAIST

COMPANY-- GAY BAR OR 19TH

CENTURY INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX?

GUY BRANUM?

>> THAT'S A 19TH CENTURY

INDUSTRIAL FACTORY WHERE A BUNCH

OF JEWISH LADIES DIED.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

YES!

>> BOOM!

>> Chris: YOU ARE RIGHT!

GOOD CALL.

>> THIS IS UNFAIR, BECAUSE GUY

IS BOTH GAY AND HE HAS A LAW

DEGREE.

>> Chris: GUY IS GAY AND 19TH

CENTURY AT THE SAME TIME.

NEXT ONE.

THE ALBANY WATERWORKS-- GAY BAR

OR 19TH CENTURY INDUSTRIAL

COMPLEX?

RON?

>> OH, THAT'S AN OLD WATER PARK

I USED TO GO TO THAT IS NOW A

GAY BAR.

>> Chris: IT IS IN FACT A GAY

BAR, YEAH.

HOW NOT TO.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO IF YOU ARE LACKING AN

ESSENTIAL LIFE SKILL, YOUTUBE

WILL TEACH YOU WHAT YOUR

ABSENTEE FATHER NEVER COULD.

IT'S GOT HOW-TO VIDEOS ON

EVERYTHING FROM TYING A BOW TIE

TO SWEARING IN A FOREIGN

LANGUAGE.

SO COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOU

TO HIT ME UP WITH SOME YOUTUBE

HOW-TOS THAT YOU WILL NEVER SEE

ON THE INTERNET.

250 POINTS FOR EACH FUNNY ONE,

100 POINTS IF YOU MAKE LYNN

SNORT.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK, AND GO!

ALI?

>> HOW TO USE YOUTUBE COMMENTS

AS A CONSTRUCTIVE TOOL FOR

COMMUNICATION.

>> Chris: YES, BOOM!

POINTS, AND THEN 100 POINTS FOR

THE SNORT.

GUY?

>> HOW TO ANNOUNCE YOU'RE

DIVORCING THAT GUY FROM COLDPLAY

ON YOUR LIFESTYLE BLOG.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

RON?

>> HOW TO TATTOO YOUR BABY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS TO RON FUNCHES.

GUY BRANUM?

>> HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN TEN DAYS

BY MAKING HIM WATCH HOW TO LOSE

A GUY IN TEN DAYS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

AND THEN 100 SNORT POINTS FOR

LYNN.

SNORTS AND POINTS.

YES, RON?

>> HOW TO EAT YOURSELF TO SLEEP.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALI?

>> HOW TO FALL IN LOVE WITH

MUSICIANS, SKATERS, AND OTHER

MEN THAT WILL ENSURE THAT YOU

WAKE UP ON A MATTRESS IN A

KITCHEN.

>> Chris: POINTS AND SNORTS!

WE HAVE A FEW SECONDS LEFT.

ANYONE ELSE?

GUY?

>> HOW TO HIRE YET ANOTHER

AFFABLE, INOFFENSIVE STRAIGHT

WHITE GUY TO HOST A LATE NIGHT

SHOW.

>> Chris: YEAH!

(TIMER SOUNDING)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WAIT A MINUTE!

I CAN TOTALLY MAKE THAT!

POINTS, GUY BRANUM.

"STEP ONE-- JUST BE REALLY

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