Lasers and Liars

  • Season 1, Ep 6
  • 10/28/2015

Pizzaz returns to her childhood home to settle an old score with her manipulative sisters, and Rad goes to extremes to impress a group of wealthy boat owners.

(female dispatcher)Unit 14 clear.

What can we get you,officer?

Well, a bazoom-burgerwith a side of nip dips

does sound delicious,

But I'm afraid I must inform youof something much less savory--

a broken taillight.

We broke itto get your attention.

[laughs]Oh, right.

Duh. I'm coming in.

[zipper unzips][women moan]

- Slap that tomato.- Okay.

Oh, put that tomatoall over it.

(woman)Oh, the mayonnaise jaris open.

I'll just fast-forwardthrough the 32 minutes

of disgustingcondiment play.

No, no!That's the best part!

(woman)Oh, tap that ass.Oh, tap that ass.

(Dazzle)Okay, trying to getmy footing here.

This floor is slickwith mayonnaise--

Whoa!Oh, whoa, whoa!

(woman)Is it moving?

[women scream]


Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap,crap, crap, crap, crap!

You ungrateful hussy.

(Panache)I'm going to--

Look, Daddy's signing armis nearly frozen solid!

That's no reasonto interrupt me, Accoutrement.

We can just use a laserto unfreeze it.

Only a fool would suggestsuch a reckless use

of a precious laser.

Then again, you have always beena cheap, tacky laserite.

Bite your tongue, Pizzaz!

Don't stoop to their level.

Oh, come on, stoop!You know you wanna stoop!

Go to hell.

No, Pizzaz. No!

[both gasp]

You crazy bitch!

[gasps]My God.

You've taken steroidsto enhance your slapping arm!

That's right.

The daysof Accoutrement Panorama Miller

being out-slapped are over!

[all grunt]



Charisma, what haveyou done to yourself?

I did what I had to doto get ahead in this family,

and if that meansreplacing my arm

with an aerodynamic mechanicalblade, then so be it!

Old Jimmy Realperson.

Now, Rad, I notice youhaven't mentioned owning

the originalSawdust Jimmy Jesperson 10-inch,

which represents a gaping holein any serious blues collection.

Ha!Sawdust Jimmy Jesperson?

Oh, that's a well-known fake.

But I saw a copyat the Moonsonian Insti--

No! Fake.

Seems like Mendelsonshould have known that.

Makes me questionhis credentials.

Mm-hmm. Please, Rad,more blues names!


Die, whore!


Oh, take it!

(Sophistica)I hate your fat face!

As predicted, your selfishnesshas been your undoing.

Shut up, all of you.He's saying something!

I'm now too frozento sign the will,

so no one will get anything.

What did he say?

He said Accoutrementgets everything

and the rest of youare all ugly and fat!

I said no one gets anything!

No one gets anything?

This is all Pizzaz's fault.

My fault?

You ruined everything,Pizzaz!

Why couldn't youjust stay away?

Stop it. No.

Watch out!


[all gasp]

Daddy, no!