@midnight
Season 1

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

  • Season 1, Ep 01007
  • 01/15/2014

Nikki Glaser, Ron Funches and Neal Brennan attempt to identify Lil Za, make up #CelebrityCrimes and listen to goth confessions.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THE FIRST COMEDIAN TO BUZZ IN

WITH THE CORRECT ANSWER GETS AHUNDRED POINTS.

HERE'S SOME SPORTING NEWS THAT IACTUALLY REALLY CARE ABOUT.

THE STARTING LINEUP FOR THEPUPPY BOWL WAS ANNOUNCED THIS

WEEK.

MARBLE.COM HAD BIOS FROM EACH OFTHE PLAYERS, FROM AURORA THE

DELL MISSION TO TASER THEITALIAN GREYHOUND.

DON'T TASE ME, BRO."

ACCORDING TO THE BIO FOR CODYTHE SPANIEL, THIS PUPPY THINK

WHAT IS?

"" SLIPPERS ARE FOR HUMPING?

THAT AMERICAN HUSTLE WASOVERRATED?

C THAT FATHER HOOD HAS MELLOWEDKANYE?

YES, NIKKI GLASSER?

>> GOT TO BE A.

>> THE CORRECT SANS C.

DOGS ARE ADORABLE AND WISE.

MY GIRLFRIEND AND I LOVE TOWATCH THE PUPPY BOWL BUT HER DOG

DIEGO DOES NOT ENJOY IT.

HE'S A VERY INTELLECTUAL DOG.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

LISTEN, ONCE YOU GET TO ACERTAIN NUMBER OF PIXELS PER

SQUARE INCH THE EFFECT ON THEHUMAN EYE IS NEGLIGIBLE.

IF I'VE TOLD YOU ONCE, I'VE TOLDYOU A THOUSAND TIMES, A HYBRID'S

ELECTRIC ENGINE IS MOREEFFICIENT IN THE CITY WHEREAS ON

THE HIGHWAY -- OOH, KEEPSCRATCHING.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: VERY SMART DOG.

VERY SMART DOG.

>> THAT WAS HIS VOICE?

I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERELISTENING TO A BOOK ON CAPE.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: YESTERDAY WE TOLD YOU

JUSTIN BIEBER'S FRIEND LIL ZAWAS ARRESTED FAR LIL COCAINE

POSSESSION.

IT TURNS OUT I WAS WRONG.

IT WAS ACTUALLY M.D.M.A. AND SOLIL ZA WAS ARRESTED, HE WAS

LEAVING POLICE CUSTODY AND THENHE GOT A LIL ANGRY AND BROKE HIS

LIL CELL PHONE CAUSING HIM TOGET A LIL ARRESTED AGAIN!

SO I REALIZED WE'VE TALKED ABOUTLIL ZA A LOT IN THE LAST COUPLE

DAYS AND HERE IN THE OFFICE WEREALIZED NO ONE KNOWS WHO THE

(BLEEP) THIS GUY IS.

(LAUGHTER)WE HAVE NO IDEA.

I COULDN'T POINT OUT LIL ZA INANY -- IN ANY GROUPING OF PEOPLE

AND I'M GUESSING THAT YOU GUYSCAN'T, EITHER, SO WE'VE NEVER

DONE THIS BEFORE BUT, WAIT --(LAUGHTER)

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU 5,000POINTS IF YOU CAN TELL ME WHICH

OF THE FOLLOWING PICTURES IS LILZA.

>> WHAT?

>> FROM HIS INSTAGRAM ACCOUNTBECAUSE I DON'T THINK KNOWS WHO

HE IS.

IS IT THIS GUY, B, THIS GUY?

OR, C, THAT LITTLE ZA RIGHTTHERE?

(LAUGHTER)NIKKI GLASSER?

>> A!

>> NO, THAT SO S NOT THE CORRECTANSWER.

THE CORRECT ANSWER WAS B.

THAT WAS LIL TWIST WHICH IS LILZA'S OLDER BROTHER.

THAT IS LIL ZA IN THE MIDDLE FOR5,000 POINTS.

I SO WANTED IT TO BE THIS GUY.

SO NO 5,000 POINTS THAT TIME.

I TRIED, YOU GUYS, I TRIED.

IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)DUE TO JUSTIN AND LIL ZA'S BRUSH

WITH THE WAR, THE HASHTAG ISCELEBRITY CRIMES.

EXAMPLES WOULD BE ARSON WELLS ORBREAKING AND ENTERING OR KATIE

HOMES INVASION WHICH IS A MOVIEI WOULD WATCH.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK.

READY, SET AND GO!

NIKKI GLASSER?

>> RAPE PARKER, JR.(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

RON FUNCHES.

>> SNOOP DOGG FIGHTING.

>> HEY, THAT'S ADORABLE.

>> Chris: VERY VIOLENT, THOUGH.

NEAL BRENNAN.

>> MORGAN FREE MAN SLAUGHTER.

>> Chris: POINTS!

RON FUNCHES.

>> BLACK ON BLACK EYED PEASVIOLENCE.

>> Chris: DEFINITELY POINTS.

NIKKI GLASSER?

>> AIDING AND ANNETTE ABETTING.

>> Chris:LY GIVE YOU POINTS,YES.

NEAL BRENNAN?

>> CONTEMPT OF COURTENEY COX.

>> Chris: (LAUGHS)POINT.

FUFRNLS?

>> EMBEZZLEMENT NIGHT SHYAMALAN.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: POINTS!

NIKKI GLASSER?

>> MO LASTATION SEAN PENN.

IT IS TIME TO PLAY "TEXTS FROMLAST NIGHT."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT IS A WEB

SITE THAT SHOWCASES EMBARRASSINGDRUNK TEXTS BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS

TO DO THE LORD'S WORK!

(LAUGHTER)I'LL READ YOU GUYS TEXTS FROM

LAST NIGHT AND YOU HAVE TORESPOND TO THE TEXT.

IF YOU MAKE MYSELF OR THEAUDIENCE EVEN SNICKER OR GUFFAW

OR PERHAPS UTTER A GIGGLEINVOLUNTARILY I WILL GIVE YOU

250 POINTS.

HERE'S THE FIRST ONE.

HOW DO I CANCEL MY SPOTIFYPREMIUM FOR TWO HOMELESS PEOPLE?

RON FUNCHES?

>> DON'T.

(LAUGHTER)INSTEAD USE THOSE HOMELESS

PEOPLE TO RECREATE CLASSIC MUSICVIDEOS, DOLLAR SIGN, DOLLAR SIGN

DOLLAR SIGN.

(APPLAUSE)SMUP POINTS!

POINTS!

WHAT VIDEO WOULD YOU RECREATE?

>> OH, "BEAT IT MOST LIKELY."

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

I FEEL LIKE (BLEEP) AND I CAN'TGET BAND AIDS OFF MY NIPPLES.

YES, RON FUNCHES?

>> LOOK, IF YOU JUST WANT TOQUIT MY INTERPRETIVE DANCE GROUP

JUST SAY SO.

>> Chris: POINTS!

POINTS.

HERE'S THE NEXT ONE.

THIS IS A MASS TEXT.

DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE I AM?

NIKKI GLASER?

>> THE FRONT YARD, MOM, COME INFOR BRUNCH.

(APPLAUSE)>> Chris: BRUNCH.

POINTS, POINTS NIKKI GLASER.

POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES TO (BLEEP)ALL I CAN SEE IS CANDY CRUSH.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)YOU HAVE TO BE DRUNK FOR THAT TO

HAPPEN.

RON FUNCHES.

>> HAPPY FACE, ME, TOO.

JELLY BEAN EMOJI, PENIS EMOJI,VAGINA EMOJI, JELLY BEAN EMOJI,

FOUNTAIN EXPLODING EMOJI.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Chris: I NEED THIS MOJ JI

PACKAGE YOU HAVE THAT HAS THEGENITALS.

>> TO BE FIR IT'S JUST A PICTUREOF MY ACTUAL PENIS.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: YOU KNOW WHAT'S A

FUNNY EMOJI, THAT POOP.

LET'S GO TO OUR NEXT GAME "GOTHCONFESSIONS."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)A SEARCH FOR THE TERM "GOT

CONFESSIONS "JELDED 15,000RESULTS ON YOUTUBE, WHICH IS

STILL ONLY 2800 RESULTS LESSTHAN CAKE FART WHICH IS I DO NOT

REP YOU SEARCH BUT GOOD JOB,GOTS.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A YOUTUBEVIDEO FROM A YOUNG GOT MAKING A

CONFESSION AND I'LL GIVE YOU TOCHOICES, YOU HAVE TO TELL ME

WHICH IS THE REAL CONFESSION.

FOR 250 POINTS YOU'LL GET THAT.

LET'S BEGIN.

"I REALLY LIKE THE BANDEVANESCENCE OR MY FAVORITE ACTOR

IS JACKIE KENNEDY."

>> I REALLY LIKE THAT BANDEVANESCENCE.

NO ONE ELSE FEEL IT IS OTHERWAY.

>> I REALLY LIKE THE BANDEVANESCENCE.

>> Chris: LOOK AT THAT EYELINER.

YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE HER FEATURESSHE'S SO GOTED OUT.

NEXT ONE "I DON'T LIKE SPIDERS"OR "I CAN'T DIFFERENTIATE

BETWEEN PANCAKES AND FRENCHTOAST."

RON FUFRJS?

>> IT HAS TO BE CAN'TDIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN PANCAKES

AND FRENCH TOAST BECAUSE I HAVETHAT PROBLEM ALL THE TIME.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: BUT WOULD YOU CONSIDER

YOURSELF GOT?

>> A LITTLE BIT.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, LET'S FINDOUT.

>> I DON'T LIKE SPIDERS.

THEY'RE DARK AND MACABRE ANDWHATEVER, I DON'T LIKE THEM.

>> (LAUGHS)>> Chris: YOU LISTEN TO ME, GOT!

THE VERY FABRIC OF YOUREXISTENCE DEMANDS THAT YOU LIKE

SPIDERS!

IN YOUR HAIR AND EVERYWHERE.

>> Chris: SHE DOESN'T LIKEFRAMES, EITHER.

(LAUGHTER)>> MORE PLACES FOR SPIDERS TO

HIDE!

A FRAME IS A SPIDER HOUSE!

>> HER FACE HAS A FRAME, THOUGH.

>> HER FACE IS FRAMED, YES.

>> Chris: HER FACE IS FRAMED BYSPIDERS.

IT LOOKS LIKE HER FACE IS FRAMEDBY SPIDERS.

TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME "LINKEDOUT."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)LINKED IN IS A SITE THAT A WILL

NOT STOP SENDING ME (BLEEP)INGE-MAILS.

AND IT'S ALSO A PLACE WHEREPEOPLE CAN CONNECT THROUGH THEIR

JOB-- SUPPOSEDLY.

THERE'S SOME FAIRLY ABSURD JOBTITLES.

THESE ARE REAL EXAMPLES AND THEYINCLUDE "PORNOGRAPHY HISTORIAN."

(LAUGHTER)"SMARTTYS EXPERT."

THE CANDY.

"PROFESSIONAL THUMB WRESTLER."

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO PUT 60SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND YOU

RING IN WITH AS NEW M UNIQUETITLES AS YOU CAN MUSTER AND

BEGIN.

NIKI?

>> HOST OF "SHIPMATE."

>> Chris: DAMN IT, I'VE GOT TOGIVE YOU A POINT FOR THAT.

RON FUNCHES.

>> SKY MALL SECURITY GUARD.

>> Chris: POINTS!

NEAL BRENNAN?

>> STUNT DICK.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: TO GO ALONG WITH

PORNOGRAPHY HISTORIAN.

RON FUFRJS?

>> CARL, SR.(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

NIKKI GLASSER?

>> TOM CRUZ'S WIFE.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)WELL PAID GIG.

>> Chris: I'VE GOT TO GIVE YOUPOINTS.

NEAL BRENNAN?

>> KWANZAA CLAUSE.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: POINTS!

RON FUNCHES?

>> OLDER WHITE LADIES WHO SAYMUCHAS GRACIAS AT MEXICAN

RESTAURANTS.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris:

>> THE GUY WHO PLAYS THE AIRHORN IN PIT BULL SONGS.

>> Chris: POINTS!

>> I HATE HIM.

>> Chris: MAYBE THEY CAN FIND ANEW ONE.

NEAL BRENNAN --(BUZZER SOUNDING)

>> NUMBER ONE BIKINI INSPECTOR.

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