Wednesday, January 15, 2014

  • 01/15/2014

Nikki Glaser, Ron Funches and Neal Brennan attempt to identify Lil Za, make up #CelebrityCrimes and listen to goth confessions.

HEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THE FIRST COMEDIAN TO BUZZ IN

WITH THE CORRECT ANSWER GETS

100 POINTS.

HERE'S SOME SPORTING NEWS THAT I

ACTUALLY REALLY CARE ABOUT.

THE STARTING LINEUP FOR THE

PUPPY BOWL WAS ANNOUNCED THIS

WEEK.

MASHABLE.COM HAD BIOS

FOR EACH OF THE PLAYERS,

FROM AURORA THE DALMATIAN

TO TASER THE ITALIAN GREYHOUND.

"DON'T TASE ME, BRO."

ACCORDING TO THE BIO

FOR CODY THE SPANIEL,

THIS PUPPY THINKS WHAT?

A. SLIPPERS ARE FOR HUMPING.

B. THAT AMERICAN HUSTLE WAS

OVERRATED.

C. THAT FATHERHOOD HAS MELLOWED

KANYE.

YES, NIKKI GLASER?

>> GOT TO BE A.

>> CHRIS: CORRECT ANSWER IS C.

FATHERHOOD HAS MELLOWED KANYE.

DOGS ARE ADORABLE AND WISE.

VERY THOUGHTFUL.

MY GIRLFRIEND AND I LOVE TO

WATCH THE PUPPY BOWL BUT HER DOG

DIEGO DOES NOT ENJOY IT.

HE'S VERY NONCONFORMIST.

HE'S A VERY INTELLECTUAL DOG.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

>> Diego: LISTEN, ONCE YOU GET

TO A CERTAIN NUMBER OF PIXELS

PER SQUARE INCH, THE EFFECT

ON THE HUMAN EYE IS NEGLIGIBLE.

IF I'VE TOLD YOU ONCE, I'VE TOLD

YOU A THOUSAND TIMES: A HYBRID'S

ELECTRIC ENGINE IS MORE

EFFICIENT IN THE CITY,

WHEREAS ON THE HIGHWAY...

OOH, KEEP SCRATCHING!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: VERY SMART DOG.

VERY SMART DOG.

>> THAT WAS HIS VOICE?

I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE

LISTENING TO A BOOK ON TAPE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YESTERDAY WE TOLD YOU

JUSTIN BIEBER'S FRIEND LIL ZA

WAS ARRESTED FOR A LIL COCAINE

POSSESSION.

IT TURNS OUT I WAS WRONG.

IT WAS ACTUALLY MDMA.

AND SO LIL ZA WAS ARRESTED,

HE WAS LEAVING POLICE CUSTODY

AND THEN HE GOT A LIL ANGRY AND

BROKE HIS LIL CELL PHONE CAUSING

HIM TO GET A LIL ARRESTED AGAIN!

SO I REALIZED WE'VE TALKED ABOUT

LIL ZA A LOT IN THE LAST COUPLE

DAYS, AND HERE IN THE OFFICE

WE REALIZED NO ONE KNOWS

WHO THE (BLEEP) THIS GUY IS.

(LAUGHTER)

WE HAVE NO IDEA.

I COULDN'T POINT OUT LIL ZA

IN ANY GROUPING OF PEOPLE,

AND I'M GUESSING THAT YOU GUYS

CAN'T EITHER, SO WE'VE NEVER

DONE THIS BEFORE, BUT...

>> I WILL.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU

5,000 POINTS IF YOU CAN TELL ME

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING PICTURES

IS LIL ZA.

>> WHAT?

>> Chris: FROM HIS INSTAGRAM

ACCOUNT BECAUSE I DON'T THINK

ANYONE KNOWS WHO HE IS.

IS IT A. THIS GUY,

B. THIS GUY,

OR C. IS THAT LIL ZA

RIGHT THERE?

(LAUGHTER)

NIKKI GLASER?

>> A!

>> NO, THAT'S NOT THE CORRECT

ANSWER!

THE CORRECT ANSWER WAS B.

THAT WAS LIL TWIST,

WHICH IS LIL ZA'S OLDER BROTHER.

THAT IS LIL ZA IN THE MIDDLE

FOR 5,000 POINTS.

I SO WANTED IT TO BE THIS GUY.

SO NO 5,000 POINTS THAT TIME.

I TRIED, YOU GUYS, I TRIED.

BY THE WAY, THANKS EVERYONE FOR

#HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

DUE TO JUSTIN AND LIL ZA'S BRUSH

WITH THE LAW, THE HASHTAG IS

#CELEBRITYCRIMES.

EXAMPLES WOULD BE "ARSON WELLES"

OR "DRAKE-ING AND ENTERING"

OR "KATIE HOMES INVASION,"

WHICH IS A MOVIE I WOULD WATCH.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK.

READY, SET AND GO!

NIKKI GLASER?

>> RAPE PARKER, JR.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

RON FUNCHES?

>> SNOOP DOGG FIGHTING.

>> Chris: HEY, THAT'S ADORABLE.

VERY VIOLENT, THOUGH.

NEAL BRENNAN.

>> MORGAN FREE MANSLAUGHTER.

>> Chris: POINTS!

RON FUNCHES?

>> BLACK ON BLACK EYED PEAS

VIOLENCE.

>> Chris: DEFINITELY POINTS.

NIKKI GLASER?

>> AIDING AND ANNETTE ABETTING.

>> Chris: I WILL GIVE YOU

POINTS, YES.

NEAL BRENNAN?

>> CONTEMPT OF COURTNEY COX.

(LAUGHING)

>> Chris: POINTS.

RON FUNCHES?

>> M. BEZZLEMENT NIGHT

SHYAMALAN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

NIKKI GLASER?

>> MOLESTATION PENN.

>> Chris: WOW, YES.

YOU WOVE IT THROUGH THAT ONE.

POINTS!

"TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

PARTIERS BEWARE!

TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT IS A WEB

SITE THAT SHOWCASES EMBARRASSING

DRUNK TEXTS BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS

TO DO THE LORD'S WORK!

(LAUGHTER)

I'LL READ YOU GUYS TEXTS FROM

LAST NIGHT AND YOU HAVE TO

RESPOND TO THE TEXT.

IF YOU MAKE MYSELF OR THE

AUDIENCE EVEN SNICKER OR GUFFAW

OR PERHAPS UTTER A GIGGLE

INVOLUNTARILY, I WILL GIVE YOU

250 POINTS.

HERE'S THE FIRST ONE:

HOW DO I CANCEL BUYING SPOTIFY

PREMIUM FOR TWO HOMELESS PEOPLE?

RON FUNCHES?

>> DON'T.

(LAUGHTER)

INSTEAD, USE THOSE HOMELESS

PEOPLE TO RECREATE CLASSIC MUSIC

VIDEOS.

DOLLAR SIGN, DOLLAR SIGN,

DOLLAR SIGN.

(APPLAUSE)

POINTS!

WHAT VIDEO WOULD YOU RECREATE?

>> OH, "BEAT IT," MOST LIKELY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

I FEEL LIKE (BLEEP)

AND I CAN'T GET THE BAND AIDS

OFF MY NIPPLES.

YES, RON FUNCHES?

>> LOOK, IF YOU JUST WANT

TO QUIT MY INTERPRETIVE DANCE

GROUP, JUST SAY SO.

>> Chris: POINTS!

HERE'S THE NEXT ONE.

THIS IS A MASS TEXT.

DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE I AM?

NIKKI GLASER?

>> THE FRONT YARD, MOM,

COME IN FOR BRUNCH.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: BRUNCH.

SHE HAD AN ALL-NIGHTER.

POINTS, POINTS, NIKKI GLASER.

NEXT ONE.

IT'S GOTTEN TO THE POINT THAT

WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES TO (BLEEP),

ALL I SEE IS CANDY CRUSH.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

YOU HAVE TO BE DRUNK FOR THAT TO

HAPPEN?

RON FUNCHES?

>> HAPPY FACE, ME TOO!

JELLY BEAN EMOJI, PENIS EMOJI,

VAGINA EMOJI, JELLY BEAN EMOJI,

FOUNTAIN EXPLODING EMOJI.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> THERE'S A VAGINA EMOJI?

>> Chris: I NEED THIS EMOJI

PACKAGE YOU HAVE THAT HAS THE

GENITALS.

>> TO BE FAIR, IT'S JUST

A PICTURE OF MY ACTUAL PENIS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WHAT WERE YOU GOING

TO SAY, NEAL?

>> YOU KNOW WHAT'S A FUNNY

EMOJI, THAT POOP.

>> Chris: THE POOP IS GREAT.

"GOTH CONFESSIONS."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

A SEARCH FOR THE TERM "GOTH

CONFESSIONS" YIELDS 15,000

RESULTS ON YOUTUBE, WHICH IS

STILL ONLY 2,800 RESULTS LESS

THAN "CAKE FARTS," WHICH

I DO NOT RECOMMEND YOU SEARCH,

BUT GOOD JOB, GOTHS.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A YOUTUBE

VIDEO FROM A YOUNG GOTH MAKING A

CONFESSION AND I'LL GIVE YOU TWO

CHOICES AND YOU HAVE TO TELL ME

WHICH IS THE REAL CONFESSION.

FOR 250 POINTS YOU'LL GET THAT.

LET'S BEGIN.

"I REALLY LIKE THE BAND

EVANESCENCE" OR "MY FAVORITE

ACTOR IS JAMIE KENNEDY."

>> "I REALLY LIKE THE BAND

EVANESCENCE."

NO ONE FEELS THE OTHER WAY.

>> I REALLY LIKE THE BAND

EVANESCENCE.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: LOOK AT THAT EYELINER.

YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE HER FEATURES,

SHE'S SO GOTHED OUT.

POINTS TO YOU, NIKKI GLASER.

NEXT ONE, "I DON'T LIKE SPIDERS"

OR "I CAN'T DIFFERENTIATE

BETWEEN PANCAKES AND FRENCH

TOAST."

RON FUNCHES?

>> IT HAS TO BE "CAN'T

DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN PANCAKES

AND FRENCH TOAST" BECAUSE I HAVE

THAT PROBLEM ALL THE TIME.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: BUT WOULD YOU CONSIDER

YOURSELF GOTH?

>> A LITTLE BIT.

>> Chris: A LITTLE BIT GOTH.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S FIND OUT.

>> I DON'T LIKE SPIDERS.

THEY'RE DARK AND MACABRE AND

WHATEVER, I DON'T LIKE THEM.

(LAUGHING)

>> Chris: YOU LISTEN TO ME,

GOTH!

THE VERY FABRIC OF YOUR

EXISTENCE DEMANDS THAT YOU LIKE

SPIDERS!

IN YOUR HAIR AND EVERYWHERE!

>> SHE DOESN'T LIKE FRAMES,

EITHER.

>> Chris: MORE PLACES FOR

SPIDERS TO HIDE!

A FRAME IS A SPIDER HOUSE!

>> HER FACE HAS A FRAME, THOUGH.

>> Chris: HER FACE IS FRAMED,

YES.

HER FACE IS FRAMED BY SPIDERS.

IT LOOKS LIKE HER FACE IS FRAMED

"LINKED OUT."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

LINKED IN IS A SITE THAT WILL

NOT STOP SENDING ME (BLEEP)ING

EMAILS.

AND IT'S ALSO A PLACE WHERE

PEOPLE CAN CONNECT THROUGH THEIR

JOBS, SUPPOSEDLY.

THERE'S SOME FAIRLY ABSURD JOB

TITLES.

THESE ARE REAL EXAMPLES AND THEY

INCLUDE "PORNOGRAPHY HISTORIAN."

(LAUGHTER)

"SMARTIES EXPERT."

THE CANDY, SMARTIES.

"PROFESSIONAL THUMB WRESTLER."

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO PUT

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND YOU

RING IN WITH AS MANY UNIQUE

JOB TITLES AS YOU CAN MUSTER,

AND BEGIN.

NIKKI GLASER?

>> HOST OF "SHIPMATES."

>> Chris: GODDAMN IT.

I'VE GOT TO GIVE YOU

POINTS FOR THAT.

I KNOW IT WAS A RIDICULOUS SHOW.

RON FUNCHES?

>> SKYMALL SECURITY GUARD.

>> Chris: POINTS!

NEAL BRENNAN?

>> STUNT DICK.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: TO GO ALONG WITH

PORNOGRAPHY HISTORIAN.

POINTS!

RON FUNCHES?

>> CARL'S, SR.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

NIKKI GLASER?

>> TOM CRUISE'S WIFE.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

IT'S A WELL-PAID GIG.

>> Chris: I'VE GOT TO GIVE YOU

POINTS.

NEAL BRENNAN?

>> KWANZAA CLAUS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

RON FUNCHES?

>> OLDER WHITE LADIES WHO SAY

"MUCHAS GRACIAS" AT MEXICAN

RESTAURANTS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THAT'S A JOB, POINTS.

NIKKI?

>> THE GUY WHO PLAYS

THE AIR HORN IN PITBULL SONGS.

>> Chris: POINTS!

>> I HATE HIM.

I HATE THAT GUY.

>> Chris: MAYBE THEY CAN FIND

A NEW ONE.

NEAL BRENNAN?

(BUZZER SOUNDING)

>> NUMBER ONE BIKINI INSPECTOR.

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