Wednesday, July 29, 2015

  • 07/29/2015

Jimmy Pardo, Chris Distefano and Kurt Braunohler sing a musical ode to vibrators, come up with #NewHarryPotterBooks and list truly unimpressive world records.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

GOOD NEWS FROM FLORIDA FOR SOMEREASON!

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR,UNLESS YOU WISH FOR A MILLION

DOLLARS WORTH OF SUNKEN GOLD.

TREASURE HUNTER BRENTBRISBEN--HIS NAME'S A PLACE--

TOLD ABC NEWS THAT HIS TEAM OFDIVERS WERE WORKING OFF THE

COAST OF FLORIDA WHEN THEYDISCOVERED 51 GOLD COINS AND 40

FEET OF GOLD CHAINS, LEADINGTHEM TO SUSPECT THAT THIS IS THE

LONG-LOST WRECK OF THE H.M.S.MR. T.

I PITY THE FOOL THAT DON'T STAYAFLOAT.

( LAUGHTER )COMEDIANS, THIS SEEMS LIKE THE

PERFECT OPPORTUNITY FOR A BOOTYJOKE.

AS A PIRATE CAPTAIN, I WANT YETO LAY A CURSE UPON THIS

PRECIOUS BOOTY.

BONUS POINTS FER USIN' YEPIRATE VOICE!

>> YOU TOUCH MY GOLD, I'LL BREAKYOUR FREAKING KNEECAPS.

ARRRGH. ARRGH, ARRGH.

>> CHRIS: IS THAT A--

>> THAT'S A BROOKLYN PIRATE. YOU(BLEEP)IN' JIGGLE YOUR NUTS.

HOW ABOUT YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTHAND GIVE ME MY GOLD?

>> CHRIS: I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU100 POINTS BUT I'M NOT CONVINCED

YOU WERE ACTUALLY DOING ADIFFERENT VOICE.

KURT BRAUNOHLER.

>> ARRRR!

MAY YOUR BOOTY BE FLATTER THANTAYLOR SWIFT'S.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: WELL DONE.

WELL DONE.

MOVING ON.

YOU ALL REMEMBER MACY GRAY,RIGHT?

MACY GRAY!>> WHO IS SHE?

GODDAMN MILLENNIALS!

SHE'S THE SINGER WHO♪ TRIES TO SAY GOODBYE

AND SHE CHOKES♪ TRIES TO WALK AWAY

AND SHE STUMBLES ♪♪YOU KNOW.

WELL, SHE'S BACK WITH A NEW LOVESONG ABOUT TAKING MATTERS INTO

HER OWN HANDS.

THIS IS REAL.

♪ I'D GO OUT AND KILL FOR WHATHE MAKES ME FEEL AND HIS NAME IS

BOB.

"B" IS FOR BATTERY, "O"OPERATED.

"B" IS FOR BETTER CUZ HE'S NOTCOMPLICATED ♪♪

( APPLAUSE )>> Chris: SO THAT'S WHAT SHE'S

BEEN UP TO FOR THE LAST 15YEARS.

AND THE FACE IS, "NO, NOT AGAIN!PLEASE!"

>> THAT'S JUST RIGHT THERE FORCLITORAL STIMULATION.

HE GOES LA-LA-LA!

MY EYES, IT BURNS.

LA-LA-LA.

MY EYES, IT BURNS!

>> CHRIS: KURT, I'M GOING TOGIVE YOU 100 POINTS FOR THAT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )AT LEAST NOW WE KNOW HER VOICE

IS HOARSE FROM ALL THEMOANING.

IT'S NOT CLEAR IF THIS WILLALIENATE HER AUDIENCE OF PEOPLE-

CURRENTLY-IN-LINE-AT-A-STARBUCKSBUT COMEDIANS, WHAT'S ANOTHER

MUSICAL ODE TO VIBRATORS?

100 BONUS POINTS IF YOU BELT ITOUT MACY GRAY-STYLE.

KURT BRAUNOHLER.

♪ TRY TO SNAP MY BEAN AND ISQIRT.

♪ THEN I GOTTA CHANGE THE SHEETS♪♪

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )JIMMY PARDO.

♪ WITH OR WITHOUT LUBE ♪♪ WITH OR WITHOUT LUBE ♪

>> I LIKE IT.

>> CHRIS: OH, I KNOW THAT, THELEAD SINGER'S BONO.

>> THAT'S HIM.

OR "BONER" FOR THIS JOKE.

>> CHRIS: I'M GOING TO GET A LOTOF "IT'S PRONOUNCED BAH-NO."

I KNOW.

IT'S A DICK JOKE.

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S"#HASHTAGWARS."

RAISE YOUR PINT OF PEANUT BUTTERAND WHIP OUT YOUR MALFOY-SNAPE

FAN FICTION BECAUSE IT'S ALMOSTJ.K. ROWLING'S BIRTHDAY!

ON FRIDAY, THE "HARRY POTTER"AUTHOR WILL BLOW OUT 50 CANDLES,

PRESUMABLY ALL MADE OUT OF$1,000 BILLS.

ROWLING'S BOOKS HAVE INSPIREDCHILDREN AROUND THE WORLD, WHICH

MAKES UP FOR THIS QUIDDITCHVIDEO.

( LAUGHTER )THAT'S WHY ( BLEEP ) MUGGLES

SHOULDN'T PLAY QUIDDITCH.

NOW ROWLING HAS SAID SHE'S NOTWRITING ANY MORE POTTER BOOKS,

SO AS A BIRTHDAY GIFT TO OURFAVORITE AUTHOR, LET'S DO IT FOR

HER.

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#NEWHARRYPOTTERBOOKS

#NEWHARRYPOTTERBOOKSSOME EXAMPLES MIGHT BE:

"HARRY POTTER AND THE TIME HEGOT A BONER IN POTIONS."

OR "COLONEL HARRY POTTER AND THEDOCTORS OF 'MASH'"

WAY ABOVE THE AUDIENCE'S HEAD.

OR "HARRY POTTER XXL."

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK.

CHRIS.

>> HARRY POTTER AND THE HOGWARTSTHAT AREN'T RESPONDING TO THE

CREAM.

>> HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLYHALITOSIS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

CHRIS DISTEFANO.

>> HARRY POTTER AND THESURPRISINGLY BIG DICK WHEN HE

DID THAT NAKED PLAY ON BROADWAY.

(BLEEP)IN' HUGE (BLEEP)

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

KURT.

>> HOOTIE POTTER AND THE BLOWFISH.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )I'M SORRY.

>> 2 HARRY, 2 POTTER.

>> OLD SCHOOL. HARRY POTTER ANDTHE E STREET BAND.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

KURT.

>> HARRY POTTER AND THE HARRYPOOTER.

SORRY.

SORRY ABOUT IT AGAIN.

>> HARRY POTTER AND THEUNEXPECTED TURBULENCE.

(BUZZER)

>> HARRY POTTER AND THE-- IREPEAT, HARRY-- YOU HEARD IT.

>> CHRIS: I REPEAT, NO POINTS.

@MIDNIGHT. IT'S TIME TO PLAY "I,ALSO BOT."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )ONE OF THE BEST THINGS ABOUT

BUYING STUFF ON AMAZON IS THATYOU GET TO SEE WHAT STUFF OTHER

PEOPLE WHO BOUGHT WHAT YOUBOUGHT ALSO BOUGHT.

AND IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY, ITMAKES YOU WONDER WHAT THE HELL

THEY'RE BUILDING IN THEIRGARAGES.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUA SERIES OF ITEMS FROM AMAZON

THAT SOMEBODY BOUGHT TOGETHER,AND FOR 250 POINTS, I WANT YOU

TO TELL ME WHAT THEY'RE PLANNINGTO DO WITH THOSE THINGS.

WE'VE SEEN THIS LOVELY ITEM ONOUR SHOW BEFORE.

RIGHT THERE.

WEENER KLEENER SOAP. PEOPLE WHOBOUGHT THAT--

>> I GOT A USED ONE FOR FOURBUCKS.

IT DIDN'T HAVE A HOLE WHEN I GOTIT.

THESE PEOPLE ALSO BOUGHT

THE LADY BAHBAH INFLATABLE SHEEPAND THIS MACARONI AND CHEESE AIR

FRESHENER.

KURT BRAUNOHLER, WHAT ARE THEYMAKING?

>> THEY'RE OBVIOUSLY MAKING ATRAP FOR KID ROCK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> CHRIS: OH, KURT!

I ADORE YOU. POINTS.

>> BAAA WITH THE BAAA...

>> CHRIS: JIMMY PARDO.

>> TO ME IT LOOKS LIKE PAULADEEN'S BACHELORETTE PARTY.

PEOPLE WHO BOUGHT THIS REPLICAVELOCIRAPTOR CLAW ALSO BOUGHT

THIS BARBASOL LOOK-ALIKE SAFE.

WHAT ARE THEY DOING?

CHRIS DISTEFANO.

>> THEY'RE TRYING TO BRINGNEWMAN FROM "SEINFELD" BACK TO

LIFE.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

( APPLAUSE )PEOPLE WHO BOUGHT A 2-PACK OF

ASTROGLIDE ALSO BOUGHT THESEDRAIN GASKETS, THIS 16-POUND BAG

OF BIRD SEED AND THISINFLATABLE FAMILY POOL.

( LAUGHTER )GODDAMN IT, THAT REALLY TELLS

A STORY.

( LAUGHTER )KURT.

>> I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY, IF YOU'REGOING TO ( BLEEP ) THE ( BLEEP )

OUT OF A POOL OF BIRDS.

AND AS THEY DIE, HE DOESN'T WANTTHEM DRAINING OUT THE BOTTOM.

THOSE NICE DRAIN PLUGS KEEPTHEM.

>> CHRIS: THAT MENTAL IMAGERY ONTHAT WILL STAY WITH ME FOR A

WHILE.

QUICK, GET THAT ONE!

>> OH, GET THAT ONE.

>> THE ASTROGLIDE ACTS ALUBRICANT AND ALSO KEEPS

THEM FROM FLYING AWAY.POINTS. JIMMY PARDO.

>> CHRIS THAT LOOKS LIKE PAULADEEN'S BRIDAL SHOWER.

>> CHRIS: SO ANALYTICAL ON ALLTHINGS DEEN. POINTS FOR THAT.

PEOPLE WHO BOUGHT THIS AXEANTIPERSPIRANT DEODORANT STICK

ALSO BOUGHT THIS 48-PACK OFANGEL SOFT TOILET PAPER AND SOME

SLIM JIMS.

SLIM JIM PARDO.

>> THANK YOU, SIR!

THIS GUY IS FRAMING GUY FIERIFOR MURDER.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

PEOPLE WHO BOUGHT THISPOCKET-SIZED DISPOSABLE RESTROOM

ALSO-->> THAT'S AMAZING.

>> THAT'S A [BLEEP]ING BAG.

>> CHRIS: URINAL FECAL TOILETPONCHO--

>> FOR PRIVACY.

SOMETIMES IT'S RAINING AND YOUGOTTA TAKE A ( BLEEP ) IN A BAG.

>> CHRIS: WHAT IS WRONG WITHTHIS POOR GIRL THAT SHE NEEDS TO

BE ( BLEEP ) ON THIS FOOTBALLFIELD?

>> IN IRELAND, THAT'S A SPORT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS TO KURT FORTHAT.

( APPLAUSE )ANYWAY, THE PEOPLE WHAT BOUGHT

THIS WEIRD PERSONAL (BLEEP)SUITALSO BOUGHT THIS PRINCESS ARIEL

WIG FROM "LITTLE MERMAID" ANDTHIS ELECTRIC MILK FROTHER.

>> I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU CANMAKE BUT YOU CAN RUIN YOUR HOTEL

ROOM WITH THAT.

>> MAKE REAL SWEETARIEL-FLAVORED CRAP-A-CHINO.

( APPLAUSE )>> I HEARD IT, KURT.

LAST ONE.

PEOPLE WHO BOUGHT THISANATOMICALLY CORRECT WHALE DILDO

YOU NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT ONETIME?

NOT ONE TIME?

JUST ONCE?

SO PEOPLE WHO BOUGHT THISAWESOME WHALE DILDO

ALSO BOUGHT THIS NICOLAS CAGEPILLOWCASE AND A GALLON OF MILK

ON AMAZON. WHAT ARE PEOPLE DOINGWITH THIS, CHRIS?

>> TRYING TO LURE NICOLAS CAGEOUT OF MY PRIUS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

POINTS.

>> CHRIS, IS THAT WHOLE MILK?

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWED YOUTHIS CHILD'S DRAWING OF HIS DAD

WITH A CAPTION THAT READS, "MYDAD IS AN EMPLOYEE.

HE LIKES DRINKING," AND ASKEDYOU TO GIVE THIS SAD DAD'S

CAREER DAY SPEECH. LET'S STARTWITH YOU, CHRIS DISTEFANO.

>> KIDS, CAN'T STAY TOO LONG.

I'M LATE FOR A MEETING WITH MYPROBATION OFFICER.

QUICK QUESTION-- ANY OF YOULITTLE BASTARDS GOT CLEAN PISS?

( APPLAUSE )>> CHRIS: JIMMY PARDO.

>> HELLO, CHILDREN.

I'M DONALD TRUMP'S CAMPAIGNMANAGER.

WHEN I'M DONE WITH THIS SPEECH,I'M GOING TO GO OUT TO THE

PLAYGROUND, SIT ON A SEE SAW,AND PUT A GUN IN MY MOUTH.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

KURT BRAUNOHLER.

>> YEAH, I'M AN EMPLOYEE.

AND I LIKE TO DRINK.

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY SON.

HE'S A STUDENT, AND HE'S NOW UPFOR ADOPTION.

HOW DO YOU LIKE IT NOW, TIMOPHY?

IT'S TIME TO PLAY "PANDAMANIUM."

FOR MOST, THEIR 37th BIRTHDAYCELEBRATION IS NOTHING MORE THAN

A REHEATED SLICE OF PIZZA ANDTHE SOBERING REMINDER THAT THEY

ARE HALF IN THE GROUND ANDCOMPLETELY IRRELEVANT TO

ADVERTISERS.

HOW WOULD I KNOW?

I'M 29.

BUT, HEY!

I HOSTED "SINGLED OUT"WHEN I WAS 9.

BUT THAT WASN'T THE CASE WHENJIA JIA THE PANDA TURNED 37

YEARS OLD THIS WEEK AND BLEW UPTHE INTERNET.

JIA JIA SPENT THE DAY EATINGMORE CAKE AND BAMBOO THAN YOU

CAN SHAKE A STICK OF BAMBOO AT.

SHE WAS AWARDED THE GUINNESSWORLD RECORD FOR OLDEST LIVING

PANDA IN CAPTIVITY.

I THINK PANDAS ARE ADORABLE.

I'M NOT A MONSTER OR A DENTIST.

SERIOUSLY, ( BLEEP ) THAT GUY.

SOMEONE SHOULD PUT THAT GUY'SHEAD ON A PIKE.

( APPLAUSE )>> LOOK HOW SAD THIS CAKE IS.

>> THIS, I DO--( LAUGHTER )

>> CHRIS: I THINK THE PANDA ISLIKE, "I SAID RED VELVET."

BEING THE OLDEST LIVING PANDAIN CAPTIVITY IS UNIMPRESSIVE AS

FAR AS WORLD RECORDS GO.

COMEDIANS, YOUR CHALLENGE IS TOGIVE ME SOME LESS IMPRESSIVE

GUINNESS RECORDS. I'M GONNA PUT60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND

BEGIN. KURT.

MOST WILCO PLAYED IN A COFFEESHOP.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. DISTEFANO.

>> MARKIEST MARK.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

KURT.

>> TENDEREST LOIN.

>> ANDY-EST DICK.

>> MOST UNCLES NAMED "RICK."

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

CHRIS.

>> BESTIEST BEST BUY.

>> CHRIS: OH, NO POINTS FROM THEAUDIENCE ON THAT ONE.

>> LEAST CONVINCING "THAT'S WHATSHE SAID."

>> SIDEST BOOB.