Spanish Fry

  • Season 4, Ep 17
  • 06/22/2003

Fry goes in search of his nose after poachers sell it on the black market as an aphrodisiac.

(beat-boxing theme song)

Captioning sponsored by MTV NETWORKS

BENDER: Oh, New New York City!

Don't worry about it.

Do The Robot, baby!

Oh, Lord, hiking is alwayssuch a strain on the buttocks.

Shh. What wasthat sound?

It wasn't a bird's nest falling.

That sounds like this.

( chirping )

Aw, they're so cutewhen they're scared.

I meant the soundBigfoot just made.

He's been sighted a lotin this area recently.

Just last week,a blind hikerfelt him.

Don't tell me youactually believe in Bigfoot

you blathering ninnyhammer.

Of course I do.

Bigfoot's my hero.

Growing up, he was the celebrityI most identified with.

Why?

'Cause he was a loner

who hated the popular monstersyet longed to be one.

I can so relate to that.

( crying )

Ugh, enough emotions.

This isn't a fat camp,for God's sake.

Although you wouldn'tknow it from looking.

( loud clanging )

( sighs )

Bender, if you want to sleepin a tent tonight

you're welcometo join me and Hermes

for a little"just friends" spooning.

Nah, I'm comfy outhere under the stars.

Whoa! Whoa!

Real comfy.

Hi. I'm Ranger Parkthe park ranger.

I get it.

Now, since this area's

a national Bigfoot preserve

we'll start with a short filmabout Bigfoot

while I make a few phone calls.

ANNOUNCER:Bigfoot... Endangered Mystery.

In the dense forests of the Pacific Northwest

dwells the strange and beautiful creature

known as Bigfoot, perhaps.

That proves it.

Sadly, logging and human settlement

today threaten what might possibly be his habitat

although if it's not, they don't.

Bigfoot populations require vast amounts of land

to remain elusive in.

They typically dwell just behind rocks

but are also sometimes playful

bounding into thick fogs

and out-of-focus areas.

It should say "top qualityexercycle for sale."

And could you put"top quality" in bold?

You can't? Okay, whatever.

Remember, it's up to us.

Bigfoot is a crucial part of the ecosystem, if he exists.

So, let's all help keep Bigfoot possibly alive

for future generations to enjoy, unless he doesn't exist.

All right,I got to call you back.

All right, questions?

Yeah. Have yousever seens Bigfeet?

Technically, no.

But I do see him each nightin my dreams

and each day in the smilingfaces of hairy children.

Bunk! Bunk, I say.

Bring me a bag full of Bigfoot'sdroppings or shut up!

I have the droppingsof someone who saw Bigfoot.

Shut up!

Oh, my God. Look, it's Bigfoot!

Where?

Ah, he's gone.

He said you should keepwasting your life though.

Oh, I saw Bigfoot crushing carsat the county fair.

What you saw was Bigfootthe monster truck.

But thanks for a great question.

( mumbling ):Oh...

Sir, if I may?

Why don't you just set up,like, a billion video cameras

in the woodsand see if he walks by one.

Ah, that would be very expensive

and most people who believein Bigfoot are broke.

Hey, look, Bigfoot, he's back!

Where?!

Up your face.

( laughing )

Everybody do the Bender.

( crickets chirping )

The sky out here is amazing.

Look at allthe satellites.

Good night, employees.

Good night.

Good night, Hubert.

You doing all right out there,buddy?

Better than these gnats.

( electronic zapping )

( laughs )

That guy won't be goinghome to his kids.

( shivering )

( owl hooting )

What's that? A wolf?

Or some kind of boogen?

Oh, God, I wish I was safeinside a tent.

( fake voice ):Fry! Fry, wake up.

It's me, Bigface.

Come out and groommy mangy fur.

( gasps )

Bigfoot? You taughtyourself English?

Bigfoot?

Bigfoot?!

( chuckles )

( snoring )

( mumbling in sleep )

FRY:Bigfoot, is that you?

I'm not like the others,Bigfoot.

I see throughyour monster coating

to the gentle loner inside.

I bet you havea wounded raccoon friend

that you tenderly nurse backto health while you go...

( cooing )

But in the end they shoot you,but you teach us about things.

( chirping )

( loud roaring )

( wind whistling )

( gasps )

Oh, just a flying saucer.

Excuse me. You can't park here.

The parking area is over there.

( beeping and whirring )

Wow, nice tube.

Hey, hey,what's the big idea?

Stop abducting me!

Why does your vanity platesay "Probe 1"?

Heeeellllp!

( birds chirping )

( sighs )

( all yawning )

There's nothing so refreshing

as the clean, crisp tasteof this bold, Canadian beer.

Well, see you in an hour.

I got to go do some businessbehind that tree.

( zipper rasping, Bender grunting )

Come on, you!

( yells )

Bender, wasn't thatFry's tent?

( mockingly ):Wasn't that Fry's tent?

Bender raisesa good point.

Where is Fry?

( panting )

( chattering )

Amy, you won't believewhat happened!

It was so scarythat you wouldn't...

( screams )

I know, but listen,it gets even scarier.

Fry, what in Sega Genesishappened to you?

That's what I'm tryingto tell you. See...

Why are you all staringat me like that?

Is there something on my face?

Uh, no.

Someone should tell him.

Tell me what?Nothing.

Well, I have a lot of experiencetelling patients bad news

so let me break itto him gently.

Fry, you have no nose!

Your nose is gone!

You have no noseon your face!

Where it is,I can't say

but on your face it's not.

What?

( shrieks )

Aw, I think it's sweet.

You chopped off your nose

so you could look more likeyour hero-- me, Bender.

My God, they must havetaken it last night.

Which last night?

In the woods.I was walking.

For Big Foot, looking.

And then aliens beamed me up.

Were they little gray dudeswith the big oval heads?

I don't get that gesture.Am I wrong?

Cheer up, friend.

When we get home,a high-quality prosthesis

will have you lookinggood as new.

I'm a pathetic freak.

My life is ruined.

( laughs )

Man, you are such a jokester.

I'll never have another momentof happiness.

( all laughing )

I know you're tryingto mask your painwith humor

but don't worry.

I'm sure the Professorcan clone you a new nose.

It wouldn't be the same;I want my nose.

I don't want to haveto teach a new one

how to shoot milk when I laugh.

Well, there'sno sense fretting.

Good lord, you're ugly.

The fact isyour nose is gone

and we'll never find outwho did it or why.

( hatch opens )

Guys, guys, there's somethingon television!

Alien abductions--until now a harmless nuisance

but recently they've taken ona sinister dimension

as unsuspecting victimsare returned without noses.

Like me.

The culprits:shameless poachers

hunting humanswithout a permit.

The valuable nose--or "human horn"--

fetches a high priceon alien worlds as anaphrodisiac.

My nose is an aphrodisiac?

( groans )

I'm gonna drop a barf!

Demand for human horn is great

due in partto titillating scenes

from deraved alien TV programstoo filthy for Earth broadcast.

Let's watch.

( gasps ):Human horn?

But it is forbidden.

So is our love.

( moaning )

Blech!

We have to track down my nosebefore some aliens snarfs it

and does The Worm. Who's in?

Me and Benderand maybe Zoidbergif he feels like it.

Nah, I'm good.

( crowd speaking alien languages )

Let's see.I'll take a pancreas,two sphincters

and a large Coke.

One number three combo.

( spit squeaking )

It's no use.

We've been to everyscuzzy bazaarin the galaxy

including Pottery Barn.

Wait. What's that?

Welcome, friends.

How may I pervert you?

Uh, I'm looking for human horn.

Shh. You'renot cops, right?

Of course not.

In fact, he's a crook.

Yep. Stolen Pez, anyone?

Right this way.

Human horn, so fresh

you can still seethe eyeglass marks.

Nope. Uh-uh.

Ooh!

Now, look, this isthe nose we want.

Did you sell it to somebody?

I'm sorry, sir

but due to the pervertednature of our business

customer records arestrictly confidential.

( groans )

Right this way.

I videotape everyonewho comes in here

so I can blackmailthem later.

( all exclaiming )

Hey, I'm a porno-dealingmonster.

What do I care what you think?

Here's the weirdowho bought your horn.

( Leela gasps )

That's Lrrr, ruler of theplanet Omicron Persei 8.

You got any...you know...?

Speak up.You're muttering.

I said...human horn?

You're not a cop, right?

Oh, no, no.I'm just some guy...

ruler of the planetOmicron Persei 8!

So let me get this straight.

If I buy eight Caramello bars,you all get to go to some camp?

Yep. That's exactlythe lie we used

to get pastyour guards.

Oh, great space king

I humbly beg youto return my human horn.

What... human horn?

How ridiculous.

Why would a virile malelike Lrrr need human horn?

I don't even knowwhat it's for.

What is it?Something you putin salad dressing?

Like you've everseen a salad.

My weight is appropriateand attractive.

Whoa, you guyshave issues.

She has issues. I'm fine.

But there's no human hornaround here

so make friends with the door.

All right, I give up.

I guess I'll just go homeand marry a skunk.

( sobbing )

Oh, let's just give it to him.

Here.

My nose! Light of my face!

Uh, what is that?

How do you havethat, Ndnd?

I've never seen it before.

My friend left it here.

Hold still, Fry.

I can reattach it withmy emergency face laser.

( tone )

Hey, you burned my cheek!

Yeah, sorry.I wasn't really concentrating.

No, I mean the singed flesh--I can smell it.

( sniffs )

And those lilacson the table.

At least someone noticed.

For the last time,I don't like lilacs!

Your first wife was the onewho liked lilacs.

She also likedto shut up.

Well, great seeing you.

I guess we'll be on our...

Yo, Highness!

Just out of robo curiosity

why would you use a guy's nosefor an aphrodisiac

instead of his, you know,wing-dang doodle?

But I thought the hornwas the human wing-dang doodle.

No, sir, Chief.

The main event-- so to speak--is downstairs, near the wallet.

You ever see soccer playersline up to block a free kick?

They ain't coveringtheir noses, I'lltell you that much.

Well, see you.

Interesting.

The trousers conceal a tiny,secondary horn.

Hey, what've you heard?

Guards, seize him!

Prepare to harvestthe lower horn.

Okay, you can have my nose.

( whimpering )

Guards!

Yeah?

Remove the human'slower horn

and prepare it tobe eaten by me.

In other words, slop a lotof ketchup and salt on it.

Then bring it to ourroyal bed chamber

and put it in a sockdrawer with all theother things

that have failed to arousemy passion for this woman.

( whirring )

Remove pants.

Wait... listen.

I'm usually the first guy totoot my own lower horn, but...

I'll say. Whoo!

But in this case,I just don't think

it's going to do any good.

That's what she said. Whoo!

Let's face it, you two havedeep relationship problems

that can't be solvedby an aphrodisiac.

However huge it might be.

So what do you suggest,painfully single human?

Well, why don't you think back

to what brought you togetherin the first place.

Oh, I don't know.

Lrrr used to be so tender.

Oh, I only wrote thatpoem to test my printer.

We'd go walking in the woods

and Lrrr would findinjured little tinklebunnies

and nurse them back to health.

Yes, but I'm the onewho injured them.

Oh, shush.

You stepped on them by accidentand then you cried all night.

That's the kind of sensitive manyou used to be.

And you used to weara size three cape

but not anymore.

Now bring me that lower hornwhile I'm still in the mood.

( whirring )

B-but w-w-what if we

helped you get your passion back

without the hassleof mutilating me?

Yeah. We know a great placein the mountains.

We could takeyou there

for a romantic dinnerunder the stars.

Hmm. Sounds interesting.

But he would never do it.

Oh, like hell I wouldn't.

I'm not going to beblamed for not going.

Then it's a deal.

We get one night.

I keep my hornas long as you two

end up doingthe horizontal Monster Mash.

( laughing )

Oh... I don't get it.

Bonjour. May I offer youa box of wine

for the edge of the table?

No, thanks.

Just water, please.

Tap water.

Oh... big spender.

That's it!

This date is over!

Waiter!

So, what can I getyou this evening?

Your lower horn!

( yelps )

Uh, I'll just start you offwith some bread--

some sexy, arousing bread.

Fine, but none of thatwhole-grain goat food.

And bring plentyof melted butter!

Ugh. Why don't you just injectsome fat straight into your ass

and cut out the middleman?

One of these days,Ndnd... Bang! Zoom!

Straight to the third moonof Omicron Persei 8!

( loud eating )

Mmm. This jerked chickenis good.

I think I'll have Fry'slower horn jerked.

( wheels squeaking )

So, uh, how are you twosnoogie-pookums doing?

Poorly!

My wife is right, for once.

There's very little magicin the air.

Ready the lower horntransport vessel.

( screams )

Boy, who knew a cooler

could also makea handy wang coffin.

Mind if I stick these in here?

Go for it.

Don't worry, Fry.

Things look bad

but I still havea trump card...

the most beautiful lovesong ever written.

♪ And I...will always love you, ooh... ♪

( groans and screams )

The humans are attacking!

Pluck the lower hornand let's get out of here!

Quick, Fry, run for it.

( grunts )

( wheels squeaking )

( grunts )

Come on, freedom cage,roll me to safety.

Yes! I never thoughtI'd escape with my doodle

but I pulled it out.

BENDER:Just like at the movietheater. Whoo!

Give me that.

( screams )

( loud growl and thundering footsteps )

Bigfoot!

He's real. I knew it!

The Loch Ness Monster's bookwas right.

( grunting )

Well, hello there,my furry friend.

Look at his adorablelittle feet.

( growls ferociously )

( chuckles lovingly )

Yes, you are a cutie pie.

Holy macaroni!

I can't believeI'm seeing Bigfoot.

And he's in focus.

Oh, I've waited my entire lifefor this moment.

ALL:Huh? What?

Hey, what are youdoing with that?

You're going to killthis innocent giganto?

Of course not.

I'm just goingto tranquilize him

so I can chop off his feetas proof he exists

then dump him back in the wild.

He'll do fine.

You'll have to getthrough me first.

Okay. Nightie-night.

Hey.

Now leave this gentle Sasquatch,or wood ape, in peace

so I can finallyand at long last

harvest this pathetic human'slower horn.

Yeah! ( gasps )

Wait, what am I saying?

If I poachthis beast's lower horn

am I any better than that rangerwith his demented foot lust?

Yes, but not by enough.

Score.

( growls softly )

This human's lower hornis one of God's creatures--

a living thing.

And all living things,large and small...

BENDER:In this case, small. Whoo!

Have dignityand a spark of the divine.

( crying )

That's the gentle,sensitive poet warlord

I fell in love with.

( passionate moaning )

( clears throat )

LRRR:Uh, you'll want to retreatto a safe 500-meter radius!

Well, Fry, it lookslike you get to holdon to your lower horn.

As usual. Whoo!

Run away!

( moaning continues )

LRRR:Oh, yeah...

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBHaccess.wgbh.org

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