Week of 1/21/2013 - Saget, Cho, Posehn, Adomian

  • Season 2, Ep 3
  • 01/22/2013

Jeff and Bob Saget exchange Friendly Fire; Margaret Cho, Brian Posehn and James Adomian roast smokers, Manti Te'o's "girlfriend" and a pricey shirt made out of gold.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> WELCOME TO "THE BURN."

>> I JUST WANT TO SAY THIS WEEK'S

SHOW IS DEDICATED TO THE MEMORY OF

MY HAWAIIAN GIRLFRIEND KOOKKKA WHO

DIED OF LEUKEMIA WHEN HER CAR

CRASHED IN TO A UNICORN.

NOW STORY HAS EVERYTHING.

A FAKE DEATH A MADE UP

GIRLFRIENDS, AND MY IMAGINARY

INTEREST IN SPORTS.

HE CLAIMS HE HAD A RELATIONSHIP ON

A TROPICAL RELATIONSHIP.

NOT ONLY IS IT RIDICULOUS

TPAOEUPTS PLOT OF "CAST AWAY."

AND NOTRE DAME IS DEFENDING HIM

AND IT'S SURPRISING BECAUSE THAT

WHOLE SCHOOL WAS FOUND ON AND

IMAGINE PERSON.

THAT'S ANOTHER GUY WHO NEVER HAD A

GIRLFRIEND.

NOW HE CLAIMS HE'S RETIRING FROM

FOOTBALL AND WILL SETTLE DOWN ON A

300-ACRE RANCH HE BOUGHT IN

FARMVILLE.

HE'S MORMON.

DID YOU KNOW HE'S MORMON.

TOO BAD HE'S NOT A SCIENTOLOGYS

BECAUSE THOSE PEOPLE ARE BETTER AT

CREATING FICTIONAL GIRLFRIENDS.

HIS GIRLFRIEND MAY HAVE BEEN FAKE

BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP BRENT FROM

WHA

>>> PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND,

MARGARET CHO.

I LOVE IT.

THANK YOU.

>>

[ APPLAUSE ]

THERE'S A POSTER FOR

ANTI-BULLYING.

YOU LOOK GREAT.

BRIAN, THANKS.

YOU RARELY COME OUT OF MIDDLE

EARTH.

THANK YOU.

>> I LOOK GREAT BUT YOU LOOK --

TERRIBLE.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT MOST PEOPLE GET A

TV SHOW THEY TRY TO LOOK YOUNGER.

>> YOU LOOK LIKE ONE OF THE

MEMBERS OF KISS THAT DIDN'T

SURVIVE.

OH MY GOD.

>> I'M UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THIS

"THE BURN" THING.

ARE YOU REFERENCING WHAT I FELT

AFTER I -- YOU THAT TIME.

>> YOU ARE A GERMAN KOREAN PEOPLE

GOING TO HAVE TO JERK OFF RIGHT

NOW.

EVEN JAMES IS GETTING EXCITED.

>> WOW.

>> YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO TELL THEM.

I DISCOVERED BACON.

>> DON'T MAKE FUN OF BRIAN IT'S

LIKE THE INCREDIBLE HULK GOT STUCK

HALF WAY.

>> OKAY.

>> NOW, BRIAN, IS THAT YOUR FACE

OR DID YOU MAKE IT OUT OF

SOMEONE'S SKIN?

>> THAT'S A GIANT -- CREEP.

I HAVE TO SAY AS A GAY MAN IT'S AN

HONOR TO BE HERE WITH AN EYE CON

OF THE GAY COMMUNITY.

YOU ARE LOOKING GREAT.

>> THAT'S HI -- HILARIOUS.

>> BRIAN GOES BOTH WAYS BUT ONLY

AT THE BUFFET.

>>> FAT PWAS STAND.

>> -- BASTARD.

>> WE'RE BEING HARD ON BRIAN BUT

SO IS GOD.

IF

SO HARD.

WHAT'S OUR FIRST TOPIC OF THE

WEEK.

ALL RIGHT, THERE'S A NEW TREND

WITH YOUNG TECH COMPANIES LIKE

FACEBOOK.

THEY'RE DOING FORMAL FRIDAYS WHICH

IS THEY JUST SHOW UP AND WEAR

SUITS TO OH WORK INSTEAD OF THEIR

NORMAL CRAP.

>> KNOW KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THE

FAT GUY FROM "LOST."

>> YOU ARE ALREADY DRESSED

FORMALLY BRIAN SO I GUESS YOU

WOULD BE IN FAVOR OF DRESSING UP

MORE AT WORK IN.

>> SURE.

>> I'M GLAD YOU DRESS LIKE A

JEWISH OLD LADY GOING TO THE GYM

FOR THE FIRST TIME.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> YOU LOOK LIKE THE POWER OF THE

LIEIAN DROPPED OUT OF HIGH

SCHOOL.

>> NONE OF US ARE UGLY.

YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE SLOPPY.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU ARE SLOPPY IN TO

LILITHFARE.

WHY DO WE HAVE TOPICS?

>> I CAN STAND HERE FOR THE WHOLE

SHOW AND YOU THREE MOTHER -- CAN

CREAM ME.

>> I WANT TO HEAR MORE ABOUT

FORMAL FRIDAY IT'S CREATED BY HIP

STERS AND AS AN OLD GUY I HATE

HIPS T*E RS.

I HATE THEIR IRONIC BEARDS.

I GREW A BEARD BECAUSE WITHOUT ONE

I DON'T HAVE A CHIN.

LIKE, I NEED SOMETHING TO STOP MY

FACE FROM GOING IN TO MY STUPID

NECK.

SPEAKING OF IRONIC BEARDS,

MARGARET IS MARRIED.

BRIAN SOMETIMES WEARS A SUIT TO

FUNERALS WHEN ME DOS TO MASTER

BAIT.

SO, YOU'RE LIKE A CREEPY HEAVY ME

TAPL LIKE GET IN TO VAN HAY LEND.

WHAT'S NEXT?

>> AS YOU MENTIONED EARLIER, THEY

ARE HAVING A REALLY TOUGH TIME.

HIS GRANDMOTHER DIED AND HIS FAKE

GIRLFRIENDS DIED THE SAME DAY.

>> EDDIE, YOU LOOK GREAT,

HONEYCOMB, YOU WON HONEYCOMB.

SERIOUSLY, WITH ED AND BRIAN AND

JEFF HERE, THINK OF HOW MANY BILLY

GOATS ARE GETTING ACROSS BRIDGES

RIGHT NOW.

>> I ALWAYS GIVE IT UP FOR A GOOD

JOKE.

>> BRIAN, YOU WANT TO NOTRE DAME,

YOU WERE THE HUNCHBACK.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT MATE OR

WHATEVER HIS NAME IS.

>> I LOVE THAT JOCKS HAVE FAKE

GIRLFRIENDS.

LIKE WHAT ELSE DO YOU GET FROM THE

NERD COMMUNITY.

LIKE I'VE HAD SO MANY FAKE

GIRLFRIENDS.

I HAD A FAKE THREE-WAY ONCE.

^PY -- I FAKE DISAPPOINTED THEM.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> I LIKE THE MADE UP GIRLFRIENDS

BECAUSE THAT'S ONE LESS REAL WOMAN

WHOP WAS SEXUALLY ASSAULTED.

>> HE'S A LINEBACKER.

>>> IF YOU HAVE FAKE GIRLFRIEND,

HAVE HER KILLED OFF IN A FUN WAY

LIKE BY THE

>> I AM PRIVATE.

>> HE WOULD NEVER WALK THROUGH THE

RESTAURANT.

PLEASE, PLEASE, STOP.

I'M NOT GOING THE TO YELL YOUR

NAME OUT BECAUSE NO ONE WOULD

REACT.

>> "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME

VIDEOS" RIGHT HERE.

>> RIGHT.

>> HE KNOWS THE OLS TPHO* S.

THIS GUILE -- -- HE KNOWS THE

OLSONS RIGHT HERE.

>> WHEN YOU TOLD ME YOU HAD A SHOW

I THOUGHT WAS A SPIN OFF OF THE

"BIGGEST LOSER."

>> THAT'S REALLY NICE.

I'M SERIOUS.

>> THANKS A LOT.

>> YOU HAVE A SENIOR SHOW.

>> YOU'RE ALWAYS LOOKING AFTER

ME.

>>> YOU ARE POPPING UP.

WHAT IS THAT IN.

>> WHAT IS THAT?

>>> I HAVE A LOT IN THE BACK OF MY

THROAT.

>> HI, JOHNNY.

OH, YEAH.

ONE OF THE GREATEST TALENTS IN

AMERICA.

JOHN STAMOS.

>> BOB, THANKS FOR STICKING UP TO

HIM AND THE WAITRESS.

>> DID YOU SHOOT THAT ON YOUR

PHONE?

>>

>> I SHOT

YOUR BRA.

>> MOVING ON COUSIN IT.

I'M SORRY JEFF IT'S TRUE, YOU'RE

HERE WITH A LIAR.

LANCE ARMSTRONG WENT ON OPRAH AND

TOLD EVERYONE HE WAS DOPING THE

WHOLE TIME HE WAS ON THE TOUR OF

FRANCE.

>>> YES OR NO.

DID YOU EVERY TAKE BAND SUBSTANCES

TO ENHANCE YOUR CYCLING

PERFORMANCE.

>>> YES.

>> WHAT THE?

THAT MOTHER -- HEY, FATTY, CAN I

SAY SOMETHING?

I THINK YOU SHOULD TAKE

PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS.

>> HOW DARE YOU LAUGH AT THAT?

OPRAH ASKED LANCE ARMSTRONG WHAT

IT'S LIKE TO CARRY A SECRET FAR

DECADE.

HE SAID I DON'T KNOW, WHY DON'T

YOU ASK GAIL?

>> I THINK YOU ARE REALLY JUST

BUSTING HIS BALLS.

>>> IT'S NOT MY PLACE TO SAY IF

LANCE ARMSTRONG IS A DRUG ADDICT

BUT FIT WALKS LIKE A DUCK, SWIMS

LIKE A DUCK AND KWAUBGS -- QUACKS

LIKE A DUCK, IT'S PROBABLY

FLAPPING AROUND INSIDE BRIAN.

>>> A LOT OF HEAVY METAL FANS BUT

IT'S BECAUSE MOST OF THEM ARE

DEAF.

>> IT ISN'T THE METAL.

FORM SOME SPOONS.

>> BRIAN HAS SO OH MANY HOT YOUNG

GIRLS HE NEEDS A BIGGER SHED AND

MORE MEAT HOOKS.

>> RAPE AND EATING THAT'S ME.

>> WELL, WE'LL LOOK FOR MARGARET

IN THE MOVIE THE GIRL WITH THE

SAGGING TATTOO.

THANKS TO MY FRIEND MAR ARE GET

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