Puppy Dog Ice-T

  • Season 2, Ep 3
  • 10/10/2012

A rescue dog displays a troubling attitude, and Luther provides presidential debate zingers.

[springs bouncing]

- [breathing heavily]

[snaps fingers]

BRO.

- WHAT?

- LOCK 'EM.LOCK 'EM.

YEAH.

[bleep] YEAH, BRO.

HOW AWESOME IS THIS?

- IT'S COOL.

- [bleep] YEAH, IT IS.

HIT IT. HIT IT.HIT IT. HIT IT. YEAH.

DUDE...SYNCHRONIZE.

SYNCHRONIZE.YEAH, YEAH, THERE IT IS.

NOW WE'RE DOING IT.NOW WE'RE DOING IT.

NOW WE'RE DOING IT.NOW WE'RE DOING IT.

♪ DOING IT WITH MY BRODOING IT WITH MY BRO ♪

♪ I LOVE EVERY SECONDOF DOING IT WITH MY BRO ♪

- IT'S--IT'S PRETTY AWESOME.

- CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

- CAN YOU JUST...?

- YO. YO.RIGHT THERE, MAN.

JUST GIVE ME FIVE, MAN.

- [sighs]- GIVE ME FIVE, BRO.

COME ON, THAT'S[bleep] [bleep].

COME ON.

- [sighs]- COME ON.

OH, YOU'RE WITH ME NOW.- YOU KNOW...

- YOU ARE WITH ME NOW.- THAT'S DISTURBING.

- KEEP 'EM LOCKED.KEEP 'EM LOCKED.

YOU AIN'T GOIN' NOWHERE.GIVE ME FIVE.

- MM-MM.- GIVE IT BACK.

- GET YOUR--

GET--AAH!

OH!

[groans]- DUDE!

HOW WE GONNABREAK THE WORLD RECORD

IF YOU CAN'T KEEP IT UP?

HEY, ALL I KNOW IS ITS GOOD

HAVING ANOTHER BROTHERMOVE INTO THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

- HEY, MAN, IT'S GOODTO HAVE YOU OVER.

AND I THINKTHAT YOU WILL DIG THIS.

- ALL RIGHT.

HEY!- HUH?

- NICE GUITAR COLLECTION.- OH, THANKS, MAN.

HEY, YOU WANNA HEAR SOMETHING?

- YEAH, SURE.- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT,LET'S GET THIS STARTED.

LET'S GET THIS STARTED.

[playing guitar]

♪ WELL, I'M JUSTA GOOD OLD AMERICAN BOY ♪

♪ WITH A HEARTTHAT'S RED, WHITE, AND TRUE ♪

♪ I'M DREAMIN' OF THE GIRLWITH THE RED HAIR AND FRECKLES ♪

♪ AND HER EYES LIKETHE SKIES OF BLUE ♪

- COUNTRY MUSIC.

- YEAH, I GREW UP IN TEXAS.YOU KNOW, SO...

- ALL RIGHT.

- ♪ KEEP HER SAFEFROM THE HOMIES ♪

♪ IN THE WRONG SIDEOF TOWN ♪

♪ WHERE THEY'RE SMOKIN' THEREEFER AND ACTING LIKE CLOWNS ♪

♪ KEEP THAT PRETTY WHITE DRESSFROM GETTING DIRTY AND BROWN ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THAT'STHE AMERICAN WAY ♪

WOO-HOO!

- WHOA.

PRETTY RACIST SONG.

[both laugh]

- RACIST?AGAINST WHO?

- BLACK PEOPLE.- BLACK PEOPLE?

BUT I'M BLACK.[laughs]

- WELL, KEEPINGTHE REDHEADED GIRL AWAY

FROM THE HOMIESON THE WRONG SIDE OF TOWN?

- HOMIES?

COME ON, BROTHER.THERE'S ALL KINDS OF HOMIES.

YOU KNOW, WHITE HOMIES,ASIAN HOMIES.

- NO, HOMIES ARE BLACK.

- NO, I THINK YOU'REMAKING THEM BLACK, MAN.

I THINK THAT'S YOUR STUFF.

YOU HEAR THE TWANG AND THENYOU ASSUME THAT IT'S RACIST.

BUT THAT'S JUSTWHAT COUNTRY MUSIC IS LIKE.

HERE, LOOK, YOU'REGONNA LIKE THIS ONE.

YOU'LL LIKE THIS ONE.- ALL RIGHT.

- [playing guitar]

♪ SOME FOLKS WEAR THEIR HATSWAY OFF TO THE SIDE ♪

♪ WITH THEIR PANTS DOWN LOWAND A GUN TUCKED INSIDE ♪

♪ TAKE THEIR BEER BY THE 40AND THEIR CHICKEN DEEP-FRIED ♪

♪ I THINK WE ALL KNOWWHO WE'RE TALKING ABOUT ♪

♪ THE ONLY DARK I LIKEIS WHEN I TURN OFF THE LIGHTS ♪

♪ THE ONLY HOOD I LOVEIS POINTY AND WHITE ♪

♪ CAN'T TRUST YOUIF I CAN'T ♪

♪ SEE YOUR FACEAT NIGHT ♪

♪ I THINK WE ALL KNOWWHO WE'RE TALKING ABOUT ♪

- ALL RIGHT, WAIT. HEY!

STOP THAT.

THAT'S RACIST.

- WHAT'S--WHAT?WHAT IS RACIST ABOUT IT?

- "THE ONLY HOOD I LOVEIS POINTY AND WHITE"?

- YEAH, MAN.

- THAT'S TALKINGABOUT THE KLAN, MAN.

- THE KU KLUX KLAN?ARE YOU OUTSIDE OF YOUR MIND?

THAT'S TRADITIONALCOUNTRY MUSIC IMAGERY, MAN,

LIKE A PICKUP TRUCKOR SLEEPING UNDER THE STARS,

OR YOUR DOG GOT KILLEDOR YOUR WIFE LEFT YOU.

SAME THING!

- I WOULD HAVE BEEN FINEWITH ANY OF THOSE THINGS.

- WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCEBETWEEN THOSE THINGS

AND WHAT IS IN THE SONG?

- THEY'RE NOT RACIAL!

- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?CAN I JUST SAY SOMETHING, MAN?

I'M JUST GONNA BE FRANK.

YOU'RE GETTING A LITTLE,LIKE, AL SHARPTON,

LIKE, FARRAKHANON ME RIGHT NOW.

- OH, MY GOD.ARE YOU SERIOUS?

- YO, DUDE, DUDE, PLEASE.HEY, CAN I DO ONE MORE?

LET ME JUSTDO ONE MORE, DOG.

I ABSOLUTELY PROMISE YOUTHAT THIS SONG IS NOT RACIST

AND IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOUTO MISINTERPRET IT AS SUCH.

- OKAY, IT SEEMS LIKEYOU'RE ABOUT TO SING

THE MOST RACIST SONGSO FAR.

- I'M NOT.

♪ HIDEY-LIDEY-LIDEY-LEE

♪ GET ME A ROPEAND FIND ME A TREE ♪

- OKAY, I'M OUT.

- COME ON, MAN. HEY!

SHOOT.

I'M OVER HERE TRYINGTO SING ABOUT A TIRE SWING.

GONNA WRITE OFFAN ENTIRE GENRE OF MUSIC.

[playing guitar]

♪ THE BANJOS ARE STRUMMING,AND THE DRUMS ARE A-BANGIN' ♪

♪ LET'S GET THE BOYS TOGETHERAND HAVE OURSELVES A-HANGIN' ♪

OH, DAMN.

NOW I SEE IT.NOW I SEE IT.

- GOOD EVENING,MY FELLOW AMERICANS.

WITH ME, AS ALWAYS,IS MY ANGER TRANSLATOR, LUTHER.

- HI.- NOW, AFTER THE LAST DEBATE,

I WAS CRITICIZEDFOR NOT SHOWING ENOUGH EMOTION.

- I SHOULD'VE BEENON THAT STAGE!

OH, MY GOD! MITT!

IF I WAS A SIBERIAN TIGER,YOUR ASS WOULD'VE BEEN ROY!

STR-R-AIGHT UP!

- I WAS FAULTED FOR A LACKOF PITHY RETORTS

OR "ZINGERS."

BUT WE CAN DO BETTERTHAN THAT.

WITTY RESPONSESARE NOT GOING TO RESOLVE

THIS NATION'S DEFICIT.

- HOW YOU GONNA FIRE SESAME STREET?

ONE OF THOSE MOTHER[bleep]

ALREADY LIVESIN A TRASH CAN!

ZING.

- AND A ONE-LINERIS NOT GOING TO SOLVE

THE PROBLEMS WE HAVEWITH OUR TAX CODE,

WHICH MY OPPONENT

SEEMS TO HAVE ENTIRELYCHANGED HIS POSITION ON.

- THIS MOTHER[bleep] GETSMORE REBOOTS THAN SPIDER-MAN.

AND BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE.

- I LOOK FORWARD TO A DEBATE

BASED ON SUBSTANCE,NOT ON ZINGERS.

- I GOT A MORMON ZINGER.TAKE MY WIVES, PLEASE!

OHH-HO-HO, [bleep]!I SAID "WIVES."

- THANK YOU,AND GOOD NIGHT.

- THIS MESSAGE BROUGHT TO YOUBY THE LETTER "SUCK MY"

AND THE NUMBER "[bleep]."

both: OHH!

- [laughs]- SNAP, AMERICA.

SNAP, INDEED.

- HEY, BABE.- HI.

UM, I MADE A REALLY BIG DECISIONWITHOUT CONSULTING YOU.

I WENT BY A PUPPY RESCUE STANDON UNIVERSITY AVENUE.

I HAD TO. I HAD TO.

- YOU GOT US A DOG?- YEAH, I DID.

- OH, MY GOD!OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!

- SO, HONEY, I'VE GOTTATELL YOU SOMETHING, OKAY?

- MM-HM.

- THESE RESCUE DOGS HAVEHAD SOME TOUGH SITUATIONS.

- OH.

- AND A LOT OF THEM TAKE ONTHE PERSONALITY OF THEIR OWNERS.

THIS DOG...- MM-HM.

- WAS OWNED BY RAPPER ICE-T.

ALL RIGHT, LITTLE BUDDY,COME ON OUT.

- AWW.

- [gasps]

- OH, HELLO,MY LITTLE DARLING.

OH!- MAN, [bleep] YOU.

YOU, SUCK MY [bleep].

THIS HOUSE AIN'T [bleep].

- OKAY, BUDDY, TAKE IT EASY.

- A LITTLE TESTY.- WHOA.

- [bleep] YOU, [bleep].

NOTHIN' EVER BEEN EASYFOR ME IN MY LIFE.

NOW HOOK ME UP WITH A TREAT.- YOU WANT A TREAT, BUDDY?

- YOU WANT A TREAT?- IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

HERE WE GO, SWEETIE.HERE WE GO.

- MM, YEAH, THAT'SA TASTY-ASS TREAT RIGHT THERE.

NOW GIVE ME THE WHOLE BAG.- OKAY, ONE TREAT IS ENOUGH.

- BITCH, WAS I TALKING TO YOU?

GIVE ME THE WHOLE BAG OF TREATS'CAUSE I'M A TREAT KILLER

AND A MOTHER[bleep] HANDFUL.

- SOMEBODY'S GRUMPY TODAY.- GRUMPY-WUMPY.

- LAY MY ASS RIGHT UPON THIS COMFORTABLE-ASS SOFA.

- [laughs]

- I'M GONNA SLEEP ON THIS BITCHTOO, AS A MATTER OF FACT.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT,MOTHER[bleep] AND BITCH?

I'M GONNA PISS AND [bleep]UP HERE TOO.

- NO! OH, NO! NO, NO, NO!- [bleep] YOU, MAN.

RAISE YOUR HAND AT ME.

- OKAY, UM, I'VE GOTSOMETHING FOR YOU, LITTLE GUY.

HUH? HUH?YOU WANNA PLAY FETCH?

YOU WANNA PLAY FETCH?YOU LIKE FETCH, HUH?

- GET THAT BALL.- [bleep] YOU!

BOTH Y'ALL CONDESCENDINGMOTHER[bleep].

I AIN'T YOUR ENTERTAINMENT,BITCH.

SO [bleep] YOU![Dog barking at door]

- OH, WHAT'S THAT?- GET THE DOOR, OKAY?

UH...

- WELL, HELLO.WHO IS THIS?

- COME ON, COCOA, DON'T WORRYABOUT THESE MOTHER[bleep].

THAT'S MY BITCH COCOA.

OH, I FORGOT TO TELL Y'ALL,SHE'S GONNA BE LIVING HERE TOO.

- WOW, OKAY, YOU GOTYOUR LITTLE FRIEND HERE.

- YEAH.

- YEAH, WELL YOU CAN--SHECAN PLAY HERE FOR A WHILE, SURE.

- PUPPY PLAY DATE.- YEAH.

- PLAY DATE?WE GONNA HAVE A [bleep] DATE.

THAT'S WHATWE GONNA HAVE, BITCH.

COME HERE, BITCH.[sniffing]

[licking sounds]- OH, HE'S--

- ARE YOU--- OKAY, HE'S DOING THAT.

NO, NO, DON'T DO IT.- YEAH, THAT'S MY SHIH TZU.

- OH.- OH, DEAR.

- GET THE [bleep]OUT OF HERE!

IT'S ABOUT TO GET GRAPHICIN THIS BITCH!

- OH, BOY.- [licking sounds]

- HOW COME YOU DON'TDO THAT WITH ME?

- HONEY, I TOLD YOU.- HE DOES IT.

- I JUST WANTTO KEEP THIS AREA CLEAN.

- I JUST WANTTO KEEP THIS AREA CLEAN.

c music]

- ♪ BABY, BABY

♪ IT LOOKS LIKEWE'RE BACK TOGETHER ♪

♪ AND IT'S LIKENOTHING HAD EVER ♪

♪ TORN US APART

- ♪ HONEY, HONEY

♪ WE'LL LET BYGONESBE BYGONES ♪

♪ GONNA GETOUR SECOND TRY ON ♪

♪ GONNA HAVEA FRESH START ♪

- ♪ SO TONIGHTI'M GONNA HIT THAT ♪

♪ TONIGHT I'M GONNAHIT THAT, HIT THAT ♪

♪ TONIGHT I'M GONNA

♪ HIT THAT, HIT THAT,HIT THAT ♪

♪ AND DON'T TRYTO FIGHT BACK ♪

♪ YOUR FEELINGS

♪ SUGAR, SUGAR

♪ JUST GET INTO MY CAR

♪ AND I'LLTAKE YOU SO FAR ♪

♪ FROM WHERE ANYONE CAN SEE

- ♪ LOVER, LOVER

♪ LET'S JUST WALKAND TAKE IT SLOW ♪

♪ IN CROWDED PLACESSO THEY'LL KNOW ♪

♪ THAT YOU'RE BACK WITH ME

- ♪ SO TONIGHTI'M GONNA HIT THAT ♪

♪ TONIGHT I'M GONNAHIT THAT, HIT THAT ♪

♪ TONIGHT I'M GONNA HIT THAT

[buzzing, screaming]

- I'M SORRY.

IT WASAN INVOLUNTARY REACTION.

[buzzing]

- GMAIL IS WHAT I'M ON NOW.

THAT'S THE, UH--OKAY, YOU GOTTHE MOST SPACE FOR ATTACHMENTS.

ANYWAY...- THANK YOU.

- FEEL FREE TO HIT ME UPIF YOU REMEMBER THAT NUMBER.

I NOTICED YOU AIN'TWRITE THAT DOWN.

DAMN, DAMN, DAMN.THAT GIRL WAS FLY, RIGHT?

- [scoffs] SHE ALL RIGHT.

BUT DID YOU SEETHAT LIAM NEESONS MOVIE

WITH THEM WOLVES, THOUGH?

- THE ONE WITH THEM BIG-ASSWOLVES AND LIAM NEESONS IN IT?

- MAN, LIAM NEESONSIS MY [bleep]!

- OH, LIAM NEESONS STRAIGHTJACKED UP THEM WOLVES, MAN.

- MAN, HE [bleep]THEM WOLVES UP, MAN.

- YEAH.- SHOOT, MAN.

HEY, AND DON'T EVEN GET MESTARTED ON THAT ONE

WHERE THEY TOOKHIS DAUGHTER.

- [scoffs] "STRAIGHT TOOKEN,"STARRING LIAM NEESONS!

- MAN, LIAM NEESONSON THE PHONE LIKE,

"I HAVE A CERTAINSET OF SKILLS."

MAN, DON'T [bleep]WITH LIAM NEESONS!

- NO, DON'T EVEN TRY ANDBE RUSSIAN AROUND LIAM NEESONS.

HE'LL TAKE YOUR ARM AND...- [screams]

- PUT SOME FRACTURES UP IN THAT.- THEY KILLING HIM, MAN.

AND THEN--OH, YOU SEETHE SECOND ONE, THOUGH?

IN THE SECOND ONE,THE RUSSIANS COME AFTER HIM

AND HE [bleep] THEMALL UP ANYWAY.

- "TAKEN 2," STARRINGTHE INCOMPARABLE LIAM NEESONS.

- MM-HM. MM-HM.- THAT'S MY [bleep].

- WHAT ABOUT DARKMAN, THOUGH?- NO.

- WHAT ABOUT LIAM NEESONSIN SOME DARKMAN, THOUGH?

WHAT ABOUT DARKMAN, THOUGH?

- WHEN LIAM NEESONS' FACEWAS CHANGING UP, MAN?

- HOMIE WAS STRAIGHTFACE-CHANGING.

NOW THAT'S JUST LIAM NEESONSACTING RIGHT THERE, MAN.

- STRAIGHT UP, I KID YOU NOT.ACADEMY-AWARD CALIBER.

CLASSIC NEESONS.- MAN, COME ON, SERIOUSLY.

I MEAN, LIKE, NEESONSALREADY NEED TO HAVE A STATUE.

- LIAM NEESONS AIN'T GOT NO--- HE AIN'T GOT NO STATUE.

- HE--- HE AIN'T GOT A STATUE.

HE AIN'T GOT A STATUE.

- NO. NO. NO. NO.

THE OSCAR GOESTO LIAM NEESONS, DARKMAN.

[bleep] FACE WAS CHANGING!- MM-HM. WORD.

- HOW HARD IS THAT?- IT AIN'T HARD.

IT'S NOT HARD AT ALL.- DAMN!

- IT'S STUPID.- OH! OH! BATTLESHIP.

- OOOH!

- BATTLESHIP.

- OOOH!

- BATTLESHIP!

- OOOOH!

OOOOH!- BATTLESHIP!

- OOOOH! WHOO!

- LIAM NEESONS STRAIGHTKILLED A ROBOT BOAT!

- LIAM NEESONS IS MY SHIZNIT!- WHOO!

- BUT YOU KNOW WHO I LIKEAS MUCH AS NEESONS, THOUGH?

- [scoffs] AS MUCH AS NEESONS?- MM-HM.

- WHO?

- BRUCE WILLY.

- [screams]

[screaming continues]

BRUCE WILLY IS MY SHIT!

- BUT WHAT IFTHEY MADE A MOVIE

WITH LIAM NEESONSAND BRUCE WILLY?

[grunting]

- NEESONS AND WILLY?

- WILLY AND NEESONS.- HARDER MAN. HARDER!

- [grunting]

- [choking]THAT WOULD BE...

both: MY [bleep]!

[boom]

[laughter]

- MR. COOK, YOU'RE ALMOST UP.ARE YOU READY?

- GOOD. I'M GOOD.- OKAY.

REALLY GONNA NEED YOU TO STICKTO THE SCRIPT ON THIS ONE.

- I'M THE CEO OF APPLE,WILLIS.

I'M NOT GONNADO ANYTHING STUPID.

PLEASE STOP COMPARING METO STEVE JOBS.

- NO, BUT NOBODY'S COMPARING YOUTO STEVE JOBS, OKAY?

WE JUST WANT YOUTO FOCUS ON THE PRODUCTS

AND PLEASE STICKTO THE SCRIPT.

OKAY, YOU'RE ON IN THREE--

- THEY'RE GONNA FORGET THEY EVERHEARD THE NAME STEVE JOBS.

WHAT UP, APPLE PEOPLE?

[cheers and applause]

YEAH!

YEAH!

WELL, NOW THE FIRST THING

THAT I'M GONNA DOIS T.O.T.S.

THROW OUT THE SCRIPT.

[cheers and applause]

NOW, I'M SUPPOSED TO COME OUTHERE AND TELL YOU ABOUT SOME

BULL[bleep] NEW IPHONE, PAD,POD, DICK, PUSSY [bleep]!

YOU'VE SEEN IT![stammering] BORING!

[clattering]

[applause]

YES!

THAT'S EXACTLY IT.

NOW, LET'S JUST SAYTHIS TABLE RIGHT HERE--

LET'S SAY IT'S BILL GATES, HUH?[shouts]

[audience cheers]

YEAH!

[yelping]

[laughs]

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

AND LET'S SAY THAT THIS

IS OUR COMPETITOR'SNEW SMARTPHONE.

[audience boos]

HOW ABOUT THAT?HUH? WHAT?

[laughs]

[robot voice]I AM A MAJOR DONKEY DICK.

WHOO! RIGHT?

AND LET'S SAYTHAT THIS RIGHT HERE...

- HEY!

- THIS IS ONEOF OUR COMPETITOR'S

NEW E-BOOK READER, HUH?

WHAT ABOUT THAT?

WHAT? UH-OH.TUT-TUT.

WOOK'S WIKE WAIN!

HAAAA!

[cheers and applause]

WHOO! WHOO!

YEAH!

ALL RIGHT!

YES!

WHO WANTS TO SEE SOME OF THATCLASSIFIED NEXT-LEVEL [bleep]?

HUH?

DID STEVE EVER SHOW YOUTHAT CLASSIFIED [bleep]?

NO, HE DIDN'T.

- YOU CAN'T DO THAT.THEY HAVEN'T BEEN TESTED YET.

- THIS DEVICE WILL ALLOW YOUTO TELEPORT

ANYWHERE ON THE PLANET.

CHECK THIS OUT.

I AM THE FUTURE!

[beeps, buzzes]

[screams]

- [gasps]

- [screams]

- WHOO!

LET'S SEE STEVE JOBS DO THAT![laughs]